I left the church five years ago. My husband is very active still--as active as a man without an active wife can be.
I haven't stepped inside the church for five years and with the great turnover in the membership, I really don't know very many people any more.

It's been a year now since my husband's father joined his mother in the hereafter, or whatever lies beyond.

So, husband is very interested in getting their temple work done and being sealed to them. That's OK with me, but....

He'll have to go on a temple trip since we don't live close to a temple.
He'll go without me, but with an enthusiastic group of members who will help him.
They will probably wonder why I'm not there supporting him.
They will hate me and feel sympathy for him.

And in the long run, I don't believe his father would appreciate this at all. He had his whole life to go to the temple and was quite against it. (I'm not expressing those views to my husband, however.)

What can I do to keep myself from sitting home stewing and being embarrassed for not being there.

It appears that as long as you put as primary the views of faithful mormons, you can't win.

"Do what you must, but don't expect me to condone these rituals for the dead."

Bad enough that they're doing this for those who wouldn't want it, but it's unreasonable to expect praise and support for desecrating memories of the dead.

Make a nice dinner of your favorite foods and enjoy your favorite movie at the same time. Be glad to be doing something more enjoyable than wallowing in dead mormon rituals in a spooky temple.

My husband (who is gay and was cheating with men) was the ex. sec. to the bishop. There was a bishopric night every month and all the members of the bishopric and wives went to the temple, but I never did. As my therapist said, "So, you were worthy to go and he wasn't." He told me recently (we've been separated for 23 years) that he had to come up with some excuse every time I didn't go. I said to him, "Why didn't you just tell them I DIDN'T WANT TO GO."

Some people still blame me for the situation as they haven't a clue about gays.

I had to be outside when my daughter got married in January. I waited until I knew the shindig would be over and THEN I went to the temple for pictures. It was a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. It was rather traumatic in terms of PTSD to do with mormonism.

When my daughter took out her endowment, my aunt (who also wrote me a ridiculous e-mail after my daughter's temple marriage) wrote me an e-mail and told me to get dressed up (I'd feel better--I work at home and am in jeans or pjs most of the time), that I needed to sit down on the sofa and prepare myself to feel some of the spirit that would accompany my daughter as far as my parents and grandparents, etc. What did I choose to do? I worked. I told her it was offensive what she did BOTH TIMES. I still talk to her because she is 83 and I know she won't be here much longer.

Do something you enjoy doing. You don't have to give this any importance at all as you KNOW what goes on in there. They had me do sealings with a guy I'd never met for at least an hour one evening--the last time I went to the temple. They didn't pull my husband aside. They sent him on to the session. Doing those sealings to a stranger was beyond bizarre.

Go for a walk, to a movie, like I said SHOPPING. Visit his parents' grave and put some flowers on it.

If possible, don't worry one smidge what the members think about you. Unless they are talking to your husband about what they think, the thoughts in their heads and what they say to each other--it doesn't matter at all.

Maybe he should go with YOU on the trip. You don't have to go in of course, but the trip could be a nice time without all that super Mormon bonding. It can't feel wonderful to go in alone and do strange rituals with strangers.

I let my mother in law organize a big old temple event one year after my daughter died. All of my Utah relatives were there. I think my daughter would have been horrified or laughed her butt off. Not sure and it doesn't matter because I firmly believe she's not up there watching. It still hurt to be ignored while the Mormons basically claimed her soul.

There aren't a lot of good options. Good job for keeping your less than supportive thoughts to yourself. If you stay behind, take really good care of yourself. I love the book, When it All Falls Apart by Pema Chodron.

Might I inquire if there are any relatives that might go with him instead of the ward?

Also, not to add fuel to the fire but your husband will also want to be sealed to his parents. Meaning a couple would kneel at the altar representing his parents and he kneels with them to be sealed. Likewise and siblings would need to be there. The sibling themselves if they're alive or a proxy if they're dead.

If he has active family members it may be an out of having them with him vs the ward. Might save you some grief.

Good luck.

Please remember mormonism is a cult and they only have the power over you that you let them have.

Why not go on the trip with him and have some fun extra curricular activities with him. That would show you support him, and not his religion.

I’m sorry that your hubby is captive to a lousy cult. This cult is the “other woman”. She’s the high maintenance bitch using him, you’re easy and you love him. Why’s it got to be hard?

I left the church decades ago. I finally removed my name a few years ago. For more than 20 years, I have been a member of a mainline Protestant Church. My wife and family are all active LDS.

With my wife and kids, I have never interfered with their rights to attend and participate with Mormonism. Although, the Mormon leaders try, and do, breakup families over their sicko policies and practices, I haven’t allowed them to break up my family.

For your husband, let him do the temple work. For you and me, it is a meaningless ritual; for him, he sees it as something to bring him and his Dad closer. If it were me, I tell to him I support whatever brings him comfort, but, I don’t want the church to hurt our marriage. To that end, he must not gossip about you when taking the trip to the temple. Wish him well and tell him that you love him and your marriage comes before the church.

Your FIL is dead and doesn’t care.

As for what church members will think of you, who cares? They’re in a cult. You’ll drive yourself crazy by worrying about what others may think. It sounds like you’re in an area where you can have lots of friends outside Mormonism. Make and nourish friendships there. Don’t give the church power over you and your family by letting it come between you and loved ones.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/14/2019 01:27PM by BYU Boner.

I was walking through the Provo Cemetery this week.

I found this tombstone:

********

BUTLER
Marvin Jay
Dec 11, 1924
April 14, 1998

Irene A
April 17, 1947

Sealed October 23, 1998

LOVE IS ETERNAL

One thing missing from the tombstone, is whether they were ever married civilly while Jay was still alive. But, let's assume they were. Maybe in 1970, when Jay was 36 and Irene 23.

So, when your husband goes off with the ward members to have his father tuned into a Mormon, think of poor Marvin Jay, and the ribbing he got from his buddies down in Spirit Prison when Irene went to the temple with some other dude to turn Jay into a married Mormon dude by proxy.

Jay, having a smoke with his buddies on the back porch of Ken's shack in Spirit Prison:

Ken: Jay -- better get ready to go! They're going to be coming by with the white limo any minute now, to take you up to Paradise! Back your bags, big boy!

Bill: Yeah, Jay, you'll be up there playing a trumpet and singing songs for a real long time until Irene finally kicks the bucket and joins you. Looking forward to it?

Ken: Meetings, too! I hear they have lots of meetings up there.

Jay: [grits teeth] I *aint* going when that limo comes up...

Ken: That's what LaVern said too -- he said he'd had planty of time while he was alive to decide about giving up cussing, cigarettes and beer. And it just wasn't worth it for him. But as soon as Annabelle sent down that white limo, and they gave him 20 minutes to make up his mind, he took a quick shower and off he went!

Greg: They even had a white suit for him, remember that???

Ken: yep, polyester, too! No way you're ever getting me to get in a white limo with a polyester suit... [takes long drag on cigarette]

Greg: How about it, Jay? You're looking pretty comfy in that Pendleton right now. Maybe you can just give them a "maybe" -- tell them once Irene gets up there you'll reconsider...

etc.

******

Take home message for Carol W -- think of what your father in law might like you do be doing while his son is off in a white polyester outfit doing a ceremony for him.

If FIL was still alive, and the two of you were alone for a couple hours, and started talking about the Mormon church, what jokes would you have cracked about FIL getting duked by DH after he moves on? Or, would FIL have been irate? Or not cared?

Think of what he would have liked for you to do, both for his sake and for your sake, and spend some time doing it while DH is away. No need to share with DH, this is just for you and for FIL.

My advice...

RG

No need to care what a bunch of random deluded cultists think of you. They probably sympathize with him and look down on you already, and you seem to be doing OK.

What can you do instead of staying home? Treat yourself to a day at the spa.

Alternatively, you could go with him to whatever city the temple is located in, but spend the day(s) sightseeing instead. Have a memorable lunch at a great restaurant while he's chanting away in a baker's hat. You can do you, but enjoy it more.

I think he'll be driving with the other people. I wouldn't really want to be part of that group.

Also..how did Irene A. get temple work done so quickly. I think you have to wait a year. Good story though.

Thanks for the ideas though, everybody.

No one checks up on these things and there are no penalties if they don't follow handbook suggestions.