Hello! I would like some advice. My wonderful, amazing 12 year old son told me he is gay. I told him to stay in closet for a while. We live in a tiny rural town along the morridor. The people are either Mormon or Jack Mormon. It's been a few months since he tol me this, but he talked to me agsin and says he is tired of living a lie and hiding who he is, he wants to come out and live authentically. It is making him very unhappy. I told him I didn't think it is safe to come out in thus town. I can imagine him being persecuted by both peers and adults. I think the parents here won't let their kids hang out with my son, I think he will be teased and made fun of. My son's father is a narcissistic bully and I don't think he will react well. He forces my son to go to church on his weekends, so my son has made the best of it and is deacons quorum advisor. Right now my son is popular and has lots of friends. I'm afraid he'll go from popular to pariah in this very conservative small town. I hate to see him hurt in this wsy. Would it be so bad to wàit until he is 18 or 19 to come out? Please tell me what you think. How were you treated when you came out? How old were you? If you could do it over again, what would you do different?

Hi, gay man here. Some suggestions:
1. contact pflag for support for you and parenting suggestions for your son.
2. Don't ignore a young person when they talk about not wanting to live. You could wind up with a gay son.
3. Dont force him to attend the Mormon church as that will just make things worse
4. Get him professional support. Not to cure him, but to support him as he is.
5. Move!
6. Acutally this is number one and you seem to be started on it, love him!
Thank you,
Charlie

I'm sorry. I should have reread my post... On #2 it should read: you could wind up with a dead son. A gay son can be a good thing, at least my mother thought so after we got past all the issues.

Charlie Wrote:
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> 5. Move!

Maybe not so easy in a divorce situation with joint custody with a father. The OP sounds divorced since they split time spent with the son.

Also wanted to add that I'm impressed you have such a good relationship with your son that he knew it was safe to come and talk to you about this stuff.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/21/2015 10:32AM by scotslander.

With Pflag meetings you might meet someone who is also struggling

with a child close to the age of your son and you might be able

to initiate your son finding a friend who is dealing with similar

problems.

My daughter is bisexual, but didn't figure it out until she was older. I don't have any great advice for you. You seem to be very accepting and wise. I think your arguments for him staying in the closet are valid. Have you told him what you've told us? He seems mature. Maybe if he knows that you love and accept him as a gay person that will be enough for now. 18 or 19 probably sounds like 100 years away to him. Maybe take it year by year? Parenting is so hard. Best wishes.

I know nothing about what I am about to suggest, but it seems to me that there must be a number of online boards like this for gay kids in your son's age group.

Does anyone here have any leads to a board like this that anon mom's son might be able to connect with???

I've always known I'm gay. But being raised Mormon I did everything I could to hide it. I mentioned this in a post yesterday - I did everything I was supposed to do so people wouldn't figure out I'm gay. I was an Eagle Scout, Seminary graduate, went on a mission, graduated BYU summa cum laude. But by the time I graduated from BYU I was pretty much dead on the inside.

I think you're wise to worry about your gay son in a rural Mormon environment. But based on my experience it might be better for your son to live authentically while dealing with the small minds around him than to spend years of his life living a lie. Sounds like he might have a hard time either way, but it might be better for him to fully accept himself as he is, rather than try to conform to everyone around him who thinks he's sinful or weak. You don't want him to spend the next 6 years of his life thinking he's damaged or less than anyone else.

Kids today are a lot more accepting toward gays than they were when I was growing up in the 1970s. If your son is popular now I don't see that changing. My guess would be that he'd become the popular kid that's gay.

I sympathize with your dilemma. If it was my kid I'd want to do everything I could to prevent him from getting hurt in any way. But based on my experience I think it would be better to let him live authentically with your support, emphasizing that he's wonderful and perfect just the way he is, and that if people don't agree then they're the ones with a problem. I'd avoid anything that might send the message that there's anything wrong with him, that he needs to conform to other's expectations.

I think this is much better advice than mine. The meta-message for don't say who you are is don't BE who you are. That's an ugly message to internalize. Thanks, bezoar, for your wisdom.

Once again my apologies. I should have taken time to look up resources for you.

For Parents: PFLAG (parents and friends of lesbians and gays)
For Youth: GYA (gay youth alliance, adults not permitted so the danger of molestion is minimized)

Both of these can be accessed through Utah Pride
Utah Pride Center :: 255 E 400 S, Suite 200, Salt Lake City, UT 84111 :: 801-539-8800

I hope this helps
Charlie

I understand your advice to your son. And I love all the advice about finding him support through online sources... and finding a supportive counselor. Be open and honest with him about your concerns for him. But let him know that if he does choose to come out, you will be there to support him. Don't shy away from the issue at all.... It's most likely the biggest thing going on in his head right now, and making an effort to discuss the hell out of it, will be wonderful to him. I think it's great for you to advice him to wait.... but again, it's his choice. support him no matter what.

From a sexuality standpoint anyway. As a parent of three teens, we simply taught them not to get involved with dating or similar behaviors till they were old enough to be responsible and understand their feelings. Sex too early whether straight or gay, isn't healthy for a child. I would advise you have him slow down and just provide him the proper outlet for a 12 year old to release his urges. Plenty of time later to express himself to the world, he should just enjoy being a kid while he can.

For a kid his age, being out would be about things like feeling OK about having crushes on other boys. Just like how straight boys his age have crushes on girls. That's all.

Being out has nothing to do with being sexual.

very true.... coming out doesn't mean he wants to have sex... its about not having to pretend and go along with assumptions. It's about being open with who you are.

Tell your son that some people, like me, don't feel like it is necessary for everyone to know everything about you in order for you to be living an authentic life. Mystery is your friend. Authenticity means being true to yourself and being true to yourself may include deciding who gets close to you and who gets to know what.

I did not come out until I was in my twenties though I knew since about age seven. I do not regret that. I still did all the things I wanted to do. Most people probably knew I was gay anyway, but there was a freedom in not labeling myself publicly. Not announcing it let me be seen more as a well rounded whole person. Had I come out I think it may have overshadowed too much else and given my sexuality undue focus.

And yes, I was bullied anyway----big time!

Your son will have to find his own way and he is lucky to have a mother who he can talk to. The safety he has with you is only with you and he needs to know that. You can't save him from all the bad times, but he will always know he has a safety net while he has you. I am in awe of you.

Just tell him time is a precious commodity and right now it is on his side. And, once you tell, it spreads like wildfire. Think long and hard.

I totally agree with you. I am 72 and comfortable with my gayness, but I only feel the need to share that part of me when it fits with my needs. If someone, non-threatening, were to ask I would respond truthfully. Probably after asking, "Why do you ask?"

Sadly the subtle message to your son is that a fundamentL part of who he is should be shameful. I know people have all kinds of good reason to stay in the closet....the best most complicated g secrets in the world....but it's all about shame.

When more and more kids are willing to tell their truth and deal with the consequences they start changing the world. What we can give is support. He'll learn how to deal with the hateful
People in the world but it will be easier if he knows you've got his back no matter how scary it might be.

I agree with what you're saying. I am sure I am reading into it, but it kinda feels to me like the OP is more saying "Keep it to yourself, *I* don't want people to know." Is there some level of embarrassment to the son being gay?

We can't protect our kids all the time. He will deal with bullying most likely anyway, it just may be about glasses, or his taste in music, or his clothes. It doesn't necessarily have to do with his sexuality. My 12 year old daughter had a friend tell her she's bisexual, and the girl asked my daughter what she thought. My daughter just told her she didn't really care about that, and she thinks they're too young to worry about dating anyway. I'm pretty proud of her. I've asked her as well if she likes boys or girls or both even. She looks at me like I'm crazy and reminds me "I'm only 12 Mom!" I remember being boy crazy by 13 so I figured I'd ask. She's always been a bit of a late bloomer anyway.

I guess that's what I'd tell my kid is that s/he wasn't allowed to date till 16, or is it 14 now? But until that time I'd advise them to explore their emotional feelings and to keep talking about it.

I'm frankly very impressed with this kid being so certain about how he feels, I was never that way. I always knew I was gay but I was buying into the church so I always expected (and was told) that if I did everything right, the gay feelings would go away and straight feelings would arise. Yeah right.

So at this age I'd advise someone not to worry about the label so much, but to find some other way to think/talk about it, like "I feel different, and maybe I'm gay?"

Make it clear that you will not stand for any "reparative therapy" or pray-the-gay-away. You need to contact PFLAG and get advice and support from people who have already been through this. These next few years are vital in his sense of self-worth that he will carry through into adulthood. Being gay is not the whispered shame it was even twenty years ago. My experiences as a 50yo gay man who was raised conservative Catholic can't even be correlated (Sorry for the Mormon word). He will find support even if only on line, and his peers may very well suprise you with their acceptance. He may not even be the only out gay at his High School. the battles will be with the idjit grown-ups and the Church. Time for Mama Tiger to sharpen her claws. Good Luck.

Does he have any close friends he could trust telling to see how that goes. The only concern I have is you saying that you live in a small rural town. I worry about a Matthew Shepard scenario.
Contact the Utah Pride Center in Salt Lake: utahpridecenter.org
They have youth groups... I know you live too far away but they would have resources and know which direction to point you. They do great things for LGBT youth.
Let us know how it goes.

***ramble alert***

I do not know everything you said, but the message you posted is all about shame and hiding.

Society sends that message enough without it coming from mom. The most important thing you can do is to tell him you will love him and help protect him from what ever comes his way in this regard. As an adult I can see your effort to do this, but as a gay child of 12, the message in your OP is likely to be taken as shaming.

You are in a difficult spot. My experience with staying in the closet was very painful and lead me to near suicide. Encouraging your son to stay in the closet may cause more harm than good, and it would be coming from you.

Again, the fist thing is to tell him you love him as he is and that you will support him.

Second affirm this with actions. I do not know where you live, but there are three gay pride festivals in Utah, Salt Lake, Moab and Provo all have gay pride events. Salt Lake's parade and festival could be a good start. It would show the kid he is not alone. My first pride was life changing.

The Moab pride has a gay adventure week that has events like river rafting trips for gays. The two of you going river rafting on a gay trip could be a good way of showing that being gay is not limited to the big cities. Who knows, you may become friends with some gays that could become part of your families life as friends that could be role models. Having gay friends that are a normal part of your life could be one of the best things you could do, specially if they have kids your son's age, gay or straight.

Gay affirming movies may be good, especially if seen in the theater on initial release.

Coming up in 7 days history will be made as SCOTUS hears a case that may make gay marriage legal in all the USA. There may be rallies near where you live. Take him so he can be part of gay history.

Together, learn about gay history, the Stonewall riots and how they relate to the gay pride festivals. Alan Turing, The history of the pride flag and the meaning of the colors

There are lots of ways to affirm your son. Some of it you may be able to guide, others he may give you the lead as to what needs to be affirmed, sometimes he may want you to just go away, he will be a teen after all.

Telling him to stay in the closet is a negative in his life. Try to approach it in a positive way. Maybe talk about how to come out in a safe way may be more appropriate. Make sure he knows that he knows that he should be able to live his life out and proud, but that there are still bad people in the world that would want to harm him for being gay. Make it clear that those people are the bad people not him. Rather than saying he should stay in the closet, perhaps talking about using discretion and avoiding those that could cause him harm as he comes out.

Teach him that he does not need to make a grand statement to everyone that he is gay in order to be out. He can come out to people that he can trust and to people that he wants to share that part of his life with. As Bobby, a wonderful transsexual, put it "Straight people don't put out their hands to shake and say 'Hi, I'm Joe and I'm straight' why should gays do it?" It took me decades to learn to let people figure it out as I talked about my life, including my boyfriend.

Become a gay advocate yourself.

I second contacting Pflag, not for your kid, but for you. Take care of yourself and get the support you need.

To me it doesn't sound like the OP is trying to shame or hide her son. Rather, it appears that she asked him to sit tight for now so that she can buy some time to figure out how to best support him.

I think the PFLAG advice is excellent, and I think that your son should be made aware of every step you take toward seeking him support and finding the right time for him to come out.

But telling the kid he has to hide who he is, is shaming, regardless of if they are trying or not.

And no, she did NOT say "sit tight" she said STAY IN THE CLOSET. Sorry, that is shaming. It is shaming to say you need to hide who you are and that is exactly what is said by saying "stay in the closet".

"Sit tight" and "stay in the closet" are not the same concept, why do you need to change what was actually said? No, sorry, telling a kid they need to suppress who they are is damaging and shaming.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 04/21/2015 11:45PM by MJ.

OK, just my opinion, and I'm no prude, but someone that age can have crushes as long as they don't act on them, boy or girl. The difficult part for him will be if he "acts" or "looks" gay to the other kids; a couple of boys at my daughter's school are rather flamboyant, and (again IMO) it doesn't serve them or anyone well.

Wow, you know that he is having a crush and acting, how exactly?

Looking back, if I had know about being gay, I would have known I was gay by the age 12. The earliest I noticed an attraction to men was at age 8. I never had an attraction to women. To try to say something like it is just a crush would have been wrong. I do not think you can make claims about what that kid is feeling. It would have been devastating if, at age 12, I had come out to my parents and they said it was only a crush. How dismissive can you get?

Oh, and other people are of the opinion that gays can change and be straight.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 04/22/2015 12:32AM by MJ.

As a very proud mother of a young twenty something gay son- IMHO we have to support our kids. Mine chooses to follow a path more like Blue Orchid. His life- his business. He has not chosen to tell his siblings or father. ( dad figured it out years ago and it doesn't change anything) The Trevor Project, Trevor Chat, etc are great resources for young people. Congratulations on having such a self aware, honest, fearless and communicative son. You are very lucky. I'm anonymous because I respect my sons wish for privacy- when he is ready to announce to the world- I will sign my name proudly! Make sure your message to your son reflects a mothers heart of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE and JOY in the miracle that he is. Telling a child " practice discretion if you don't want to deal with asshattery " is different than " stay in the closet" If this was a shock to you, you might want to find someone that you can talk to about your feelings. Good luck and it gets better! He will grow into an awesome man.

Not wanting to live a lie is huge. It is so much more draining than you realize to try hiding your attractions. It is a full-time job and all of the half-truths, lies by keeping silent, and avoiding answering in order to appear straight really make you feel dishonest.

I didn't allow myself to come out of the closet until I was 22. The one thing I would have changed is allowing myself to come out 10 years sooner. It is frightening how much my social development was inhibited by not being able to discover who I was because I was constantly try hiding from everybody including myself. When I finally started dating, I was years behind other people my age. I was figuring things out at 25 that most people figured out at 14-16.

I don't know if that made any sense. I can absolutely understand your reservations. It WILL often be difficult for him because he comes out. But I can assure you that deciding that he wants to come out is not something that he decided lightly.

Straight people, especially mormons, have several years of figuring out what it means for them to be straight before they pursue relationships with the opposite sex. I wish that I'd had that time to discover myself. My relationship instinct kicked in before I started dating other men. That makes things a lot harder.

I agree with the other posters about finding support groups.

Good luck!

I've reread everything here and just want to say a bit more.

I don't see any shaming in your post at all. The term staying in the closet does not automatically mean "hiding" or feeling shame. It may mean just don't feel like laying it out there for all the world. I did not read your advice to "stay in the closet" as anything more than taking your time and following the best route.

I would say your son is out of the closet already,as he has indicated he is ready to start showing his true self to the world. You don't want to see him get hurt. I would say this--I got hurt a lot, I got the worst even before I was ready to face the facts myself. And you know what? It made me stronger. I am sad for the ones who don't find their strength, but I have found most do. I think it will be that way for your son too. Because, he already likes himself and accepts himself. At twelve does her really know what he's in for though? I highly doubt it. But with you and a few good friends which he will have, he should be okay.

Growing up gay and Mormon was hell in a lot of ways, but what got me through was I always liked myself. I thought I was just great. Couldn't figure out why no one else did. That is the key. And when it came time to choose between myself and the Mormon church it was a no-brainer.

I must say I came out over forty years ago and it was a different world. I'm sure my view is still colored somewhat by what it would have been like for me to come out at 12 in a small Mormon town in Utah in the early sixties. A lot of what your son should do is know the "turf" he's on and plan accordingly, for himself, the way he wants it.

Keep your son focused on the future and all the possibilities that are out there for anyone, even gay people, or maybe especially for gay people because we are rocking the world.