What about them?

until about a month ago I had been dating this guy. It was the last year of highschool. Alot of my friends didn't like him cause they were concerned I was going to get hurt. Mainly since he'd lived In so many places they thought he was a liar. And also mormons are kinda big on going on many dates. So,defying all odds and drama, we got together after a long few months and had been dating for 6 months, roughly.

He had gone to college for 2 months or so doing the short classes at BYU. We video called frequently and we were pretty happy getting to see each other. The last week before he was coming back we hadn't talked. It was concerning. For his final week before leaving on his mission he had been acting distant.

(For the record, I had never pressured him to make a decision and always told him how strongly I believed in us. And I always told him first getting into it that he could break it off if he wanted and he chose not to. He said he wanted this to work.) He hadn't talked to me much and hardly looked at me. He wasnt acting like he always does. He practically ignored me.

Then, 3 days before leaving I pulled him aside and asked what was wrong. He mentioned thinking it was too soon to have made decisions about our relationship in the future, like he was somehow ashamed of what weve been through. (And I want originally a mormon. Through all that time I learned about god and stuff and went to church to get to know him better. I did alot with him cause it made me happy for him to be happy.

A part of me did want it, so it wasnt soley for him.) It was so strange for him to talk like this. Through all the cuddling and ADULT conversation that most older couples dont even have. We were so close, and he never wanted to leave my side. We both made efforts to change schedules to spend time together. It was like a switch flipped. Like he somehow convinced himself I was going to move on while he was gone and broke it off to make it easier one him. But that just one assumption. advice

I know he felt bad too. I went out for ice cream after having walked around crying and him trying to come after me. I could tell he felt guilty. He had said well definitely be lifelong friends. The dreaded words. And then after that day of feeling sorry for it. It was like his humanity switch was off. I wanted a goodbye hug before leaving the second to last day before never seeing him again and he pushed me away. That hurt more than the break up. The ignoring and side stepping hurt.

He didnt even want to give me a handshake when he left to his terminal. I dont officially know what hes thinking. It was too sudden to be real. I miss him so much. And honestly believe I'll want to wait for him till the two years are up. It kills me not knowing if he did want it to work or not. And being around him and his family made it easy to want to have god in my life.

Now, that want and fulfillment from it is gone. And his brother who was my closest Link to him, and the reason I didnt fall completely into depression is now in college and about to repeat the same 2 year mission cycle as he did. Any advice? And sorry for it being long.

Heading out to the mission field... Everybody who considers him/herself as a friend or mentor to the mishie has a word or two of advice, and quite often it's about the current girlfriend and/or the girlfriend he'll earn.

Lots of people have told him about the odds being in favor of you Dear John'ing him. Mostly because the odds ARE high that two years sitting on the bench is just too hard; everyone wants to get into the game.

And he's been told about how his performance in the mission field will dictate just how hot a babe he gets to take to the temple.

And then there's the chance that he'll come back completely church-broke. Why would any of us want that to happen to you?

Has he said if he plans to email you or call you on P-day?

Do you want to sit on the sideline for two years?

Leaving on a mission is a real emotional roller coaster. But there is a 99.872% chance that you, personally, will weather this storm and have a decent life.

He says he want me to send him messages and he appreciates me doing so.

Well that’s nice for him. If you do, then if it were me, I would insist that he gives you either the closure you need, or a promise of something when he returns. Don’t let him say you’re just gonna be friends for life. You dated. If he doesn’t want you as a girlfriend, then he should learn he cannot have you at all.

BUT I would in any case think hard about the situation as per all the advice here.

Are you a non-mormon? If so, then I’d say the odds are that, putting aside dating this guy, you have had a lucky escape. To be with this guy you will have to convert, get baptised and marry him in the mormon temple. Trust me, none of that is good in any way. And if you want god in your life, the last place to find him is with the mormons. If you take a closer look at the religion you will soon realise all of this.

I’m very sorry you’ve had your heart broken. I’ve been there several times and know how you must be feeling. Missionaries are discouraged from keeping a girlfriend when they go on a mission. It’s not forbidden, but they are told it will be a distraction they would do better avoiding. They have to be completely focussed on their mission. I’ve no doubt he had real things for you, but the brainwashing in this so called religion is quite powerful. Ultimately, if someone commits fully to the religion it takes over their whole life. This even applies if they have a “righteous” molly mormon girl waiting for them. Especially when that is the case, the classic situation, is either the girl will dump him during those two years, and mormon missionaries dread it, especially as they are not allowed to keep in contact very much in an attempt to maintain the relationship. It causes a lot of anxiety for them. And if the girl holds out for two years, he is expected to return and get married in the temple; mormons marry young and quickly, not just because it is an expectation, but because of the need to have sex, which is completely forbidden otherwise.
If you wait for him, and he returns and still wants to be with you, you will be expected to follow this path - and swiftly. I can imagine the temptation to be mormon-ready for when he returns is there for you. Rather than feeling rejected and hurt and thinking about what he might want, I would think about this objectively and if this is something you really do want.

Everyone here will tell you to run for your life. But I understand that right now this is a matter of the heart. My heart goes out to you.

My brother had a mormon girlfriend before his mission and he loved her. But before he left he dumped her. He thought he was being kind, to her and to himself as well. She was completely crushed. When he returned they went out on a date; he still had feelings for her and they ended up kissing. Then he realised he didn’t know what he wanted any more and they didn’t get back together. She was then a hundred times more heartbroken; I’ve rarely seen someone so hurt. He married someone else, as did she.

I would use this time to bring the focus back to you and your life. Take control by deciding if you actually really want him anyway. If we get rejected it’s a natural reaction to want that person more. Take a step back. I think you deserve better. If a religion can make a guy treat you this way, then do you really want that? I mean he has seemingly rejected you without having much of a conversation with you; that’s horrible. And now you are left to speculate what he is really thinking which brings you here. It’s unfair. Perhaps it suits him to have you hanging on for him whilst he makes no such commitment to you? Of course he feels guilty, because he should. Not enough to do the right thing though and talk to you properly, right? Regardless of whether he is a good person, it’s still rather shitty behaviour. I’ve been at the receiving end of this many times and it can drive you crazy. The best thing you can do is look at the behaviour and not try to assume what he really thinks. Judge only on what you do know and what you have seen, and how he has treated you. What are your standards for how you expect to be treated, is this really ok with you? Reasons for bad behaviour are not an excuse, and especially not when they don’t tell you!!

I waited for a guy once for over a year. He was in the navy and got posted elsewhere. He couldn’t tell me where he was going and when he’d be back. He also didn’t break up with me properly or have a proper conversation with me. In retrospect it was not knowing anything that kept me hanging on. Don’t let that happen to you. He did come back, and then did the exact same thing to me all over again, but that time he really left for good. I wasted nearly two years of my life thinking about someone who wasn’t there. Even after that, in my head he remained one of the best guys I’d ever dated and I kind of idolised him. However, 15 years later we got in touch again, and talking to him made me realise that he wasn’t quite the person I thought he was. TBH he was a bit weird and life had made him even more that way. We no longer wanted the same things, and were so different that we couldn’t even maintain a friendship.
Now, I have learnt over time the kind of person I really want to be with. I won’t put up with people leading me on. Even if they come back, that treatment isn’t ok with me.
I swear that every time I finally let go of someone I’d loved, it’s not long before someone better comes along. And it only happens when I have moved on in my heart. It blows my mind how this always happens.
Focus on you. You probably feel more hooked on him because all the control was taken from you and is in his hands, including information which would have helped you. Don’t let that have a hold on you. Make your life the one that you want. The right guy will fit in with your life as much as you do with his. Don’t live for someone else or attempt to be what you think someone else wants, it will kill your soul. And if someone else makes you feel bad, it’s time to heal and be kind to yourself in all the ways he wasn’t. Focus on you and take back control of your own life; live for YOU.

I grew up Mormon and I’d never want to do it again. It messes your head up too much. This church is a personality cult in spite of what they say. Stay away. Cut your losses and be extremely grateful for avoiding the Hell on Earth that awaited you.

A Mormon BF or GF intent on going on a mission is damaged goods. What are the odds that they’ll overcome their brainwashing?

What if it leads to marriage and kids? Then you’re really in trouble. Mormon marriages are a massive train wreck waiting to happen. Once one spouse discovers the true nature of the church, apostasy occurs which is a deal breaker to the other spouse. The marriage falls apart, extended families go through all kinds of drama, and there’s lots of shunning and insane judgements.

But hey, if you want to take a flying leap into the wood chipper you go right ahead.

Even if you were a Mormon woman, the chances of your relationship surviving the two years would be low. But as a non-Mormon, there is almost no chance.

Your boyfriend withdrew from you both physically and emotionally because of his mission. He is expected to maintain his focus on the church and its mission for the two years. It wasn't personal. But it does serve to show you the tremendous hold that the Mormon church has over its members. The Mormon church is not like most mainstream Christian churches. It is a high-control organization, similar to the JWs. It takes over every aspect of your life. It is not a church in which you wish to marry nor raise your children.

If I were you, I would take this time to focus on your own goals. Try to focus on education and career training so that you are prepared to get a job that pays well. You will likely spend many years working, and you want to be paid decently for your efforts.

When I was your age, I spent a lot of time thinking about young men as well. I was very focused on my dating life. Looking back, I wish I spent even half that energy focusing on my own life and my own goals. Having your own goals makes you more attractive to (most) men, anyway.

When your missionary boyfriend comes home in two years, he will want to marry quickly, most likely within three to six months. He will be looking for a very devout Mormon woman to take to the temple. The chances that the woman will be you are very, very low. If you want to use this time wisely, I would move on.

Please feel free to keep reading this board and learning about the Mormon church. There is a lot about it that the Mormon church members and missionaries will never tell you.

A convert is expected to be a member of the Church for at least a year before she attends the temple for her endowment or sealing (marriage). Unless she serves a mission, it is common to receive the endowment the day of or day before a sealing.

In theory, while her fiance to be is serving a mission for 2 years, a non-member could convert, become baptized and be eligible for temple ordinances when her missionary returns.

However...

1. A mission changes the missionary. The mission is designed to convert the missionary through much greater religious involvement. Some missionaries find that their mission exposes them to an immersion in the Church that does not suit them.

Do not expect the same missionary to return. You are already experiencing change in his behavior as he prepares to serve and a mission becomes more of a reality. He is being counselled to keep mission standards as much as possible before he leaves.

2. Joining the Church is not a trivial decision. Most converts do not remain with the Church, even with a close friendship. Do not assume that you will like the Church because you like any members. Often perspectives change after baptism.

3. Missionaries are counselled to commit to marriage as soon as practical when they return. They are also counselled to marry "within Israel" (not outside the Church). What is implicit is that these Returned Missionaries are reserved for Daughters of Zion - girls born into the covenant (into a Church family).

4. Converts are resented by pioneer families (with many generations in the Church). Your future mother-in-law will wonder if a convert will raise their grandchildren "right" - with all the LDS pressure to conform.

5. LDS families use marriages to build alliances in competition for future promotion within the Church. A convert has none of these connections that a daughter from a leading LDS family in their Church community might provide. At some point someone may say we can promote him because his wife is the niece of X. She will know how important this calling is to the Church (and not complain as vocally). A convert - who knows?

I second the last two comments as well. One thing that made leaving the mormon church easier is that I didn’t get married. And I’m so relieved I never met a mormon guy to marry. Even then, it nearly ruined my life. Trust me, becoming a mormon is a really bad idea that you will regret. Right now you are free, and from an ex-mormon perspective I almost envy you. I really do feel for anyone who experienced heartache. But the truth is, you have had a lucky escape. This guy is not your responsibility, and neither is it on you to make it work and i think it would damage you to wait for him in any way. I hate it when people don’t have the decency to give the other person proper closure.
I would learn more about the mormon church if you are feeling conflicted. There is truthful information here. The mormon church tells so many lies. Give it time and investing in your own life, and you will get over this.

In the end, he just "wasn't that into you." He may have liked you a lot, but Mormons usually like their church more. You dodged a bullet. Mormon marriages and Mormon relationships are "three-ways" and their church is the dominant player in the trio. I doubt that would have made you happy.

It was all fine before because it wasn't decision time yet. Procrastination fosters a lot of fun.


However, what bothers me is that he left you dangling which is mean. I have found Mormons by and large to be programmed to be unable to tell difficult truths. In another thread recently, befuddled quoted their bishop brother with this line, "I teach my children that to be kind is always better than to be right". Or, avoid telling hard truths is the real message.

Your ex-boyfriend should have been man enough to tell you what he was really feeling so that you could be free to start a new life.

You felt like you had "adult conversations." I would say only one of you did.

At his age before my mission I was in such a nebulous place. I remember it well. I did not know myself yet. At all. But I could talk the talk.

You write like someone who is progressing beautifully through life. All the best to you.

“Mormons by and large to be programmed to be unable to tell difficult truths”

That’s why the slow fade. The alternative is passive aggressive behavior, another staple of Mormonism.

He was debating going. We were just friends at the time. We got closer as we talked about him going on a mission and he decided to go. Everything was great up until he left. Then it was distant and cold. Yes, I did Dear John him. He deserved it. I could copy the letter his zone leaders wrote me. I am not the type to dump someone and I had very good reasons for ending the relationship while he was still on his mission that I won't share here.

So when he came home, we went out once. I wanted MY letters I had written him back as I knew he had mailed them home. It is good we broke up I guess (considering what happened later on in my life--and for those who know me, I'm actually laughing as I write that).

If he is going on a mission, it is not the time to be hoping for a future. It is time to get on with your life. I found a great job after he left. A life-changing job. One of the best things that happened to me in my life.

Get busy LIVING. I shouldn't say "you'll meet someone else," but the truth is that you probably will and they will probably be a lot better for you. I did--within months. I just didn't recognize it in time. I am now 62. I thought I had to marry a mormon. I am now with the nonmormon I started dating 3 months after he left on his mission.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/13/2019 10:23AM by cl2.

Everyone here has given excellent advice; consider carefully what each person has said. I've had several co-workers and friends who sent their sons off on a mission and each had a devoted girlfriend waiting on the sidelines for them. One of the couples got married when the missionary had been home for 2 weeks! The other was about 1 month! Each of them are now divorced.
I worked in the Church Office Building in downtown Salt Lake City. From our window, we had a good view of the Mission Training Center. So many young men and women going into that place; they all looked like robots going into the factory for the day. And that is the way that they will be brainwashed;starting in the MTC and while on the mission. As some have said here, be glad that you've "dodged a bullet". Your married life would've been very unhappy.

I like your reference to robots. Furthering that image is the fact that the mission suspends growth. In most regards missionaries are in limbo until they return with very limited growth.

You can't mature if you are in a bubble and missionaries are kept in a bubble. The girlfriends are essentially marrying the same immature boy they sent on the mission in the first place while they themselves have been living a real life.

And the celibacy of the mission makes for some very unstable decision making upon the return.

Aside from my mo-slam above, which I thoroughly enjoyed and I think is pretty accurate (I think I no longer have an axe to grind), let me offer something constructive.

Don’t play the “I’ll be happy when” game. Life gives you exactly what is best for you, including the present moment. Sure, sometimes growth hurts, but it only makes the gratitude more worth it once you connect the dots. If you’re too future-oriented, you might not appreciate the “now” and what it’s trying to teach you. Being hung up on the next thing actually blocks the next thing because you’re not appreciating what you have now.

Finally, if you’re in school, now is the time to invest in you. Study like a maniac because it’s a high-interest force multiplier. Whatever else will come in its own time. Life will unfold.

I quite agree with this. In my twenties I was always living in the future, plus waiting for the next guy to come along so that then I could be “happy”. Before I can blink I’m now in my forties. Having not met the right person yet I wish I had just enjoyed life when I was younger, as well as not letting so many guys mistreat me or string me along.

I don’t have that many regrets in life because I’ve learnt a lot. BUT the one thing I do regret is not living in the moment and enjoying life for myself. If I could turn back time this is the one thing I would change; and of course I would have left the mormon church a lot sooner.

I would just like to add to my story that I am really good friends with his family. Hes the oldest of two brothers and one sister. I know alot about him and I know hes got a head for math and cars. He could practically recite the wikipedia for any car. I'm not saying I want to defend him for leaving me hanging. I just want to put it out there that I've seen his parents marriage and I love his mom and dad,

and to them I'm like one of the family. His siblings call me their sister and weve gone water skins on multiple occasions. I'm just saying that not every marriage is doomed, and not all mormons are bad. I agree with alot of what you've all said and I know that I dont want to be a mormon. And im not going to bother with the church. I'm going to move on a believe I might find better. Thank you!!!

Skiing. That's a horrible auto correction.

A belief system that’s actually believable would be an improvement. Maybe yoga or Buddhism.

With Mormonism, you’re either in or out. Mixing faiths is a big no-no. I like to compare the church to a coffee place that charges $50 per cup for plain coffee. If you want coffee, go down the street and get it for a couple of bucks. Or make your own.

You have some very good advice, from some very good people! Most of us have had experiences dating Mormons and returned missionaries.

I know that "rejection" can put you in a dark and gloomy place. The reason I use quotes around that word, is that you are not the one who was discarded and left behind. It is the missionary that has been pulled out of his life and sidelined in a strange Hell for two of his most formative years. I pity him, and all missionaries. They are mistreated, verbally bashed, under constant constraints, like prisoners.

I pray that you might understand that you really did dodge a bullet, and that YOUR life will be BETTER without him and his cult dominating it. Trust me! I married the "perfect" returned missionary, and he beat me, and almost killed me. He had previous arrests for assault, and had beaten his sister.

For me, and for you, and for any young girl who is dating--you need to find INFORMATION about the person!

"You probably feel more hooked on him because all the control was taken from you and is in his hands, including information which would have helped you." Quoted from LJ12

You have time! Find out more about the Mormon church, and its dark underbelly. It is a CULT, founded by a polygamous, convicted con-man, who made his money by conning people into searching for buried treasure. He used magical "seer stones" to look for "treasure", which he didn't find. His father also had been a con man. The Mormon cult is based on lies, and moves forward with lies, just like today. The motive is MONEY. The Mormon cult wants 10% of every member's income, for life! They want you, too! As a group, Mormons are judgmental and un-Christian. The poster is right, who says that you won't find God or Christ in the Mormon church. Those are just words they use in advertising their cult.

But, you can discover these things for yourself. Let some light into the dark despair you are feeling! Too bad the missionary's brother is gone, but you can find other family members or friends to talk to. I had never met my ex-husband's family, until after we were married, and it was too late! Be a detective hired by yourself. Stay open-minded, to be sure you don't put your own slant on the facts. Write them down. Weigh the pro's and con's. Maybe, with you, your brain will never completely overrule your heart, but I promise that your brain can calm you down, and give you some peace.

Study! Come here on RFM and read some of the stories about quick courtships and hasty marriages, about cults, about Mormonism and how it can destroy families, about Joseph Smith and his legacy of lies and disrespect for women. Flood your brain with facts!

While you are doing this, keep your mind open in meeting other people, and making new friends, male and female. Probably 50% of eligible guys you meet will be better than the missionary who left. Make some good girl friends, too, preferably not Mormons.
After my horrible divorce, I eventually married a good friend's brother.

There's so much to life--especially at your age--that just one person should not determine whether or not you are happy and successful! The saying, "There are many fish in the sea" is very true. ((hugs and luck to you))

“As a group, Mormons are judgmental and un-Christian”

As strange as it sounds, this is sad but true. It’s all part of the psychological manipulation the church uses to control its members. Even stranger are the public statements top leaders make saying God’s love is not unconditional. Yup, there are conditions. Their conditions. This is what they believe. The blind lead the blind into a ditch. There are better ways to live.

Emotionally, Mormons are in perpetual Junior High. Watch for it, it will blow your mind. Especially old Mormons.

I hate to say this but I think you should move on and date other guys. You can politely respond to his communications but don't count on a relationship when he gets back.


I know a missionary who went on his mission, at least in part, because things were getting a little serious with his girlfriend and he wanted to get away and clear his mind. I think the chances he will want to pick up where he left of are very small.