My TBM wife (who is awesome) and I have had a kind of spiritual detente for years. I try not to rock the boat and she pretends that I never told her how I feel about the church.

Lately she has been going to the temple much more frequently. She has been re-watching previous conference talks. She is getting uber focussed on BOM reading and home study. She plays church music throughout the house again.

I can't tell if this is a double down because she feels motivated or if she is doubting. I had a burst of activity myself before I woke up.

We usually talk openly about most non-church stuff. I would love to support her either way, but it seems like this will either push her toward the church or take advantage of her if she is in a moment of crisis. Doing the former would make me a bad friend but doing the latter would make be a bad human.

Not sure what to do. I feel that this has to be her deal. She is smarter than I am and always tries to do the right thing. I would love to be free of the church in our family, but I respect her wishes. Hope this makes sense.

If I were you, I wouldn’t mention anything about her recent changes unless she brings up the subject. It may just be a personal spiritual effort in her part. If she’s secretly hoping you’ll notice, eventually she might say something like “you’ve probably noticed my increased enthusiasm for the church lately.” When (or if) that conversation starts, listen. It might mean difficult times ahead, but if she’s going through what you once did, you might be moving much closer.

I hope things go well for both of you.

Yikes. Sorry. I don't know what I would do in that situation. My TBM wife is very good at keeping our home and her time with me mostly free from Mormonism.

Is it those Jannice Kapp Perry primary songs? Strippling Helaman warriors (ripped and buff young dudes glistening in the Aztec sun, mormon porn), or follow the prophet..., or michael micklain sniveling away about blessed jesus?

If it is, I'm sorry :(

I agree with CrispingPin, it may not be anything but a case of seasonal hyperactivity and there might not be a discussion looming, but if there is, let her come to you with it. You sound like you're willing to hear her and respect her and that might be what she needs reassurance about, that you're still okay with her being TBM. And maybe the periodic reminder that all TBMs seem to need that, no, thank you, you are not going to change your mind.

If she's doubting, I'd just stay focused on remaining supportive of her pace. You can remind her yes, cog dis, guilt, fear of losing salvation or relationships are all common feels during a big disillusionment. I wouldn't be coy about being biased in a certain direction. This would NOT fly with my spouse, don't know about yours, but with mine I'd have to be upfront all the way about my slant. See how you feel if/when the talk comes about unabashedly admitting that yeah, you'd love it if you were on the same page here because you have your own convictions you feel strongly enough about to not participate in this group. That you're not going to tell her to doubt her doubts (there are plenty of people available to do that) and you have already formed your opinion and can't recommend TSCC to anyone.

If you can present it like that, it reduces the friction other people might want to cause between you over the choice, almost trivializes it, kind of like the way spouses fondly tolerate each other over different food choices or what to watch on TV. It's not some giant, marriage shattering thing, it's way more like you can have anchovies on your half of the pizza. At the end of the day I think you're kinda freaky bout them fishies, but as long as you brush your teeth you're welcome in bed.

If others tell her not to listen to you because you've got an agenda, you can say, yes, I've got an agenda, I want my spouse to be happy and our marriage to work. She already knows I don't recommend staying but I fully respect that it is her choice and I don't love her any less if she stays, or more if she goes, and I've never been sneaky about how I feel nor am I trying to manipulate her, I'm trying to support her in her right to make up her own doggone mind.

I think people who are thinking about leaving can do so more effectively if they realize they alone are in the driver's seat about it and that's totally okay. If you do and say stuff that empowers her to keep her hands on the wheel I think she will feel good about how things stand with you, which is probably the most important thing.

I went through a big burst of trying to cling to the iron rod right before I woke up, too. We'd just gone through temple prep and I was trying to be so zealous. Good luck, may it be a good outcome.

We don't have as much power over other people as we think we do. My anecdotal experience is that it's easy to claim someone is a catalyst for our adult decisions as a way to assign blame, but it's rare to make someone do something without coercion. Many things (most?) happen in life that have nothing to do with finding fault or placing blame. I don't know why blame seems to be our default position. /philosofizing

If the music, etc. worries you because you're concerned about her feelings or where she's at at this point of her like, ask her.

If it *does* bother you or has you confused, you can have a conversation about it. I'd emphasize that you respect her wishes, and as her partner, you'd like to know how she is. Is she going through something? Would she like you to listen? Would she like you to understand even if you don't agree?

Relationships aren't static. People aren't static. Just ask.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/12/2019 09:47PM by Beth.

She needs to open up. Get her to study other spiritual traditions.

“Frantic orthodoxy is never rooted in faith but in doubt. It is when we are unsure that we are doubly sure. ”
― Reinhold Neibuhr (who knew a thing or two about the subject)

Love it. We are long into a skeptical world. The religious past has been overrun with doubts.