My TBM father in law is a good guy. He is really very dedicated to the church but actually seems to care about people. He is very genuine.

Sadly he was diagnosed with cancer. It looks very serious. It's a type with a very low survival rate and he is in his late eighties.

My wife is trying to be brave but you can imagine how it weighs on her. I want to support her but I have a dilemma.

If I parrot all the LDS BS it will seem very hollow and insincere, but if I don't say that stuff she will feel like I don't care. I really do love her and her dad.

I feel like my wife needs to face reality but I don't think that is for me to decide. I am not sure she could handle it anyway. I have been working hard to communicate honestly with her and I worry that even a little LDS comforting talk will set us back.

Thanks for any suggestions.

I would say focus on expressing sorrow more than having all the answers. It's not natural to be happy when bad things happen (which is what mormons do all the time and it is really annoying!). If something bad is in front of us then it's right to not feel great about that.

Be a very good listener; be extra attentive when your DW speaks to you about this travail, make and keep eye contact. Give lots of hugs. Tell her about all the creepy father-in-law stories you've heard and how what a blessing it was to you to have 'him' as your father-in-law.

Get in as many, "He was a great father-in-law and grandfather and no son-in-law could have asked for more!"s as you can.

“Be a very good listener.” This is the best advice. I used to be a volunteer bereavement councilor with a hospice organization. When I visited with people who had recently lost a loved one, I did very little talking and a lot of listening.

Cancer sucks. If cancer was a person, I'd kill it, and I'd make it hurt while I was doing it.

You don't have to pander to the saccharine TBM party line in order to express genuine sympathy for what your FIL and DW are going through.

If you use cultspeak just to be polite, I am afraid that, TBMs being the way they are, it will encourage them to use an emotional moment to work the cult angle, which distracts from where their focus should be, on FILs comfort and wellness. That's not fair to FIL at all, but when has the cult mindset ever balked at throwing an individual under the bus in the name of recruitment? Don't let them get away with that just because they're in distress.

It is also not fair at all to you to be expected to try and express your true feelings of support and concern couched in loaded cult language that you find insincere. I think the advice given here before mine is good, especially just being a physical presence and listening. When you are required to speak, or if they are trying to draw you in to affirming cult ideas you don't follow, you can say very true and very generic things without giving in to attempts to get you to reaffirm the cult itself.

Here are some things I said to TBM in-laws while my FIL was struggling with myeloma.

"This is such a hard time. It's natural to seek solace in one's deep beliefs. I like to take positive actions for the person, too, that can be really comforting. "

"My faith isn't what's important right now. FIL's own faith is sufficient for what is happening here."

"Tap into your essential goodness and hope, lean on the optimism of the rest of the family when things get tough."

"We all want the best possible care and outcome for FIL. Let's focus on making today the nicest we can for him."

"He is a good man. He can count on us to support him in this fight."

"I feel for you and with you, you are my family. Please be sure to ask me for things I can do for you."

I hope that helps. Screw cancer, I hope your FIL lives to be a happy healthy 100.

There is no need to use religious language in order to express sympathy and concern. I know that when my parents died, the main thing that I was looking for from others was genuine empathy.

You don’t have to say anything. Just be together because when they’re gone all you have are the memories.

No words are needed. At least not from you. Not right now, anyway.

Your wife is mentally preparing to say goodbye to her father. Even if your FIL beats the odds and lives another 2 decades, your wife is accepting his mortality right now (and, possibly, her own). Don't feel like you have to say things that will fix the situation - you can't. It'll just frustrate your wife and make you feel discouraged. Let her know that you are there for her unconditionally. Listen when she is ready to talk. Help her mentally work through what she is dealing with, but don't offer any sugar coating or misplaced hope. Regardless of how your FIL's treatments go, take the opportunity to enjoy him while he is here (if distance permits, of course). My biggest regret when my grandparents were dying of cancer was that I became emotionally distant to protect myself. Looking back, I wish I would have taken the opportunity to spend more time with them. I was getting ready to say goodbye to them, but they were dealing with the knowledge that their lives were coming to an end (in both cases, before they felt ready).

Cancer is hell. It's terrifying for all involved. I'm wishing your family all the best.

I appreciate the thoughts from all who responded to my post.

You helped me to realize that in many ways I am still recovering. When stuff happens I respond according to my conditioning and training. You all are helping me to find my true self.

Thanks again!