Mormonism forced my soon to be ex husband to lie over and over. He never believed and what is a child supposed to do when given no choice?

Unfortunately, the lies he told his parents and his church leaders turned into the lies he told me. Mostly what he didn't say was the problem. He married me in the Salt Lake Temple. I was 21 and clueless.

When I woke up the lie of Mormonism, I figured out some of his deceit. He did drink while out of town. He didn't cheat. He just didn't share any of his internal life and that didn't change.

So I'm asking for general advice. Is there a divorced Mormon support group worth checking into? I have ZERO interest in EVER dating again. Are all of the groups about finding someone new?

Dorothy-

this is Mormonism for you, they actually Don't Care about the effect that their 'set up' has caused people to live lives of deceit and half-lies; I caught them Squarely at this, and they blew it off as though Nothing had happened.


Repentance & Forgiving were a Joke to them, I hope not to you.

I don't live in the IMW, you might be in a better support to find a support group....

Pls realize that this will be a long haul for you, regardless of your age. Intimacy (trust, emotional, etc.) is a tough sell these days, especially in Morland, it's a very superficial situation.

My .02 is; Don't lock yourself out of a future relationship, there are some good people, good guys out here.

Best from all of us.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/08/2019 11:08AM by GNPE.

Thank you for your reply on my other thread.

I feel that my input on yours might not be super duper useful, as I am a NeverMo and a man, and the church didn’t enter into my situation until after the divorce... so very different circumstances...

But given the issues that are pretty unique to females coming out of LDS surely there are some gender-specific ex-mo support groups. Maybe that would help?

There are gender specific 12 step programs and such. When you’re dealing with the initial stages of this kind of change (and “initial” can mean years or even forever) it can be useful to just take the opposite sex out of the equation.

I'm sorry, Dorothy. I can tell you that in the nevermo world, older single and divorced women find friendship with each other whether or not they choose to date. It's often easier for singles to be friends with other singles, although being friends with married women and married couples is also possible. Many older women choose not to date.

Another thought is to try an exmo meetup if you have one in your area.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 12/08/2019 11:55AM by summer.

I've been to a few exmo coffee meet ups. They are fine. The men dominate the conversations, but that's life.

I'm thinking my local exmo Facebook group is a good group to ask. I'm still Facebook friends with my soon to be ex and I have NO digital privacy. Even this is probably monitored. Eventually all of that will be sorted out. Joy.

When I returned from my mission in '88 I married my first wife later that year. Obviously I chose poorly. I feel that I followed the advice of my church leaders and mission president and all of that advice was bad and set me up for failure. I can relate to your feelings of being married so young and not really understanding what marriage means on the day-to-day.

To be fair, I did have a lot of unhealthy ways of dealing with my first wife. Many of them I acquired from watching my TBM parents and mormon culture. These old habits took years to shake off. I still probably have a few but I am aware that I'm fallible and constantly need improvement.

Good luck to you and I hope you are able to find happiness in this new part of your life. Though I would say you don't need anyone else to be happy I do feel that having great connections with people help.

Sorry for your loss Dorothy.
Losing your faith in the church is one thing, but losing a loving a supportive relationship with your "eternal compamion" is another, far more difficult thing to endure. I know. When I lost my faith in Mormonism, I gave a herculean effort to hang onto my marriage. It didn't work. It takes 2 to tango. One person can't save a marriage based upon a fraudulent structure.

Thanks for your reply. He's never been Mormon in his heart. He should have divorced me when I didn't come around after a few years of marriage.

He wanted to. I didn't know. I knew we weren't happy, but I didn't have a clue.

Things should have improved when I quit believing. They didn't.

I know people have suffered way more in their relationships on the way out of the church. In my family, I was the last hold out.

Leaving the church was a piece of cake compared to what I'm going through now.

? Is it the fact that he was 'never mormon'?

I don't understand, Given that you're here with ex's Why this is / was a concern?

It was the deceit.

It was the fact that We couldn’t talk about anything that really mattered.

When I left the church in ‘05, I wasn’t allowed to talk about what was going on in my head.

He’s frequently made major decisions without me getting any say.

Lots of reasons why I should have left years ago.

Lots of reasons why I didn’t

wrong place.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/19/2019 07:56PM by kathleen.

I don't EVER think of it as having "lost faith" in the Mormon religion, although I guess that is NOT technically incorrect.

But I guess I just always think of it as something FOUND rather than something LOST.

When I finally allowed myself to study and look around outside of the Mormon bubble, I FOUND my own real self. I found faith in MYSELF and my ability to choose and discern. I found freedom...FREEDOM to explore and learn and think. I FOUND so much.

Like you, I went through a horrible divorce and was very bitter about it. I had absolutely NO intentions of even dating again. I was fully able to support myself, had a good job (I wasn't fond of it, but it paid well) and learned quickly enough to stand on my own two feet.

And then I met this guy. . .

We had been dating for over a year. He was shopping for a new vacuum cleaner. Something inside of me just snapped, and I said, "To hell with vacuum cleaners!" And I dragged him over to the jewelry counter, where we looked at engagement rings that we could afford.

We've been married for just over 28 years now, and have gone through any number of vacuum cleaners, but are still very happy together.

You never know!!

I liked to use the analogy of when u are full of food u for sure want no food. So when u are full of an asshole and marriage u for sure don't want to get back into being with someone.

Give it some time! I've never remarried but date here and there, single since 07 and enjoy it.

Dorothy,

How are you doing ?

Please, I'm warning you, stay away from Mormon groups.

As a divorced person, you will be marginalized at best, probably disrespected, and shunned at the worst.

Seek out happy ex-Mormons and non-Mormons. When I was first divorced, I was called to be "Co-chairman of the Regional LDS Singles." I did all the work, but I had to have a token priesthood-holder co-chairman, to give our leadership "authority." We laughed, because I made all the decisions. He helped out a lot, though, and was the best of the lot, and we dated for several years--even after I left the cult. Only three of us knew he was gay, and even his mother didn't know. She thought we might get married. Because I was in contact with so many singles, I met a ton of people, and made some good women friends. The men were not really functional, and most were seriously flawed--psychopaths, chauvinist woman-haters, men who didn't pay their child support, incarcerated criminals bussed in from the State prison, polygamists looking for more wives, con-men, lots of MLM pushers, male and female "gold-diggers", married people. I have a lot of weird stories that you wouldn't believe, about that group. Finally, I left out of frustration, telling the Regional GA, "I now in my heart that this isn't God's work." Right after that, Mormon headquarters shut down the notorious Monument Park singles ward, because of all the promiscuity and scams. I don't think any of the older-singles wards exist anymore. Trust me, if you are decent, and if you don't want to be stalked and harassed and put in harm's way, you will avoid Mormon singles. It's probably not as bad for the men. Some very strong, feisty women did all right; for example, a social worker, several nurses, a psychologist at the VA, a female doctor, a bus driver, and some wealthy widows who vowed to never marry, stayed pretty safe. I was safe, because my boyfriend was there to watch out for me. You could find a strong friend, and go with him or her--but never to to any of those mixers by yourself.

There's no such thing as a Mormon support-group. The cult meetings are supposed to take care of all your needs. There used to be an ex-Mormon group that met in South Jordan, or somewhere, and there's one in St. George, I think. Other posters will know about these.

I was lucky enough to find a good psychiatrist, to help me with the Mormon abuse, and the resulting PTSD. I was anxious, had low self-esteem, no confidence, and was mildly depressed, when I resigned from the cult. The depression left immediately, and cognitive behavioral psychology helped me overcome anxiety. Leaving the cult and improving at my job and with my children gave me more confidence. I'm still working on the PTSD flashbacks, by avoiding the triggers. Most of the triggers were church-related, so I just stay away from all that. My self-esteem will probably never happen for me, because I never did have that. I never had real unconditional love in my all-Mormon life, until now, with my children and grandchildren and a few old non-Mormon friends.

Give it time. You don't live in a vacuum, so you must meet people, every day. You seem to be overly suspicious of people--and I agree that you have a right to be suspicious of lying Mormons--I am, too. But give good people the benefit of the doubt. The Mormons have taught us that the outside world and the non-Mormons in it are hostile and wicked. You will learn this is one of the biggest Mormon lies of all. The world is full of good, genuine, caring, wonderful people!

You will no longer have to depend on home teachers and priesthood blessings and false promises of welfare help. You have professional fire fighters and EMT's who will save your life, if you need them. There are doctors and nurses and pharmacists and therapists, and all those caring people who want to make your life better. You can find answers to questions on the internet. There are favorite TV characters, authors, movie actors, musicians, performers to cheer us up and entertain us and make us laugh. There are furry pets we can snuggle and talk to, who can be there for us any time day or night. RFM is here all night long, too.

Be friendly with your co-workers, people in your neighborhood, people you see walking their dogs or hiking or at the gym, or whatever you do and wherever you go. Open yourself up to men, as well as women. Like someone said, you don't have to date everyone you talk to.

The Mormon church was never a support system for me. Quite the opposite: it's lies and liars were the source of most of my troubles. Look elsewhere for friendships, love, understanding, and real help. It's out there!

Sorry I said Mormon support group. I still found your post very interesting.

I'm so sorry for your troubles. I can not answer as to exmo support groups. I'm sure others can help with that.

But perhaps in addition to that, maybe some sort of body or spirit-lifting activity might help too. A yoga class, art class, something that brings health or beauty into your life. Many communities offer low cost or free classes.

Whether it is a marriage or a non-marriage relationship, the principles are the same. You and your partner are co-equals and your partner should be honest with you, and put you first, before others. That concept gets lost in Mormonism. People put the church leaders first, and their friends and others first.

The Mormon church ruins people and turns them in to sociopaths over time. It doesn't happen over night. His biggest sin isn't lieing to the church. It's lieing to you. He shouldn't lie to the church or to his family either. But the point is that he should have put you first and should have been honest with you, if no one else. There are guys out there who are looking for a woman with the plan of putting her first from before they even find her. That is how relationships are supposed to work. This whole thing of making the church a be member of your marriage is an un-natural perversion that exists in every temple marriage.

I found a great relationship with a woman (who has never been a mormon) who I have been with for twenty-five years now after a relationship with a different woman who was an absolute sociopath that I met through the church. The first one had been ruined by the church for quite some time before I met her and I just didn't know it at the time I was with her. The fact that I wanted to put her first never seemed to have any value for her and she certainly didn't put me first. Some people are so lost about what a relationship should be for, while it should be common sense, even programmed-in to us by nature that you put your partner before others. I was still a believer in Mormonism when I was with her but would left the church with her and ended up leaving by myself anyway afterward. This isn't to say that a couple shouldn't stay in the church if both partners want to stay. But if anyone of the three (man, woman, church) is expendable, it should always be the church that goes because your partner always comes first. If the church threatens that principal and the leaders forget their place, then it's time to resign from the church.

Dorothy, I hope you are working through these rough times OK.

Remember when one door closes another opens. I'm sure over time your life will be better. You have a new opportunity to redefine your life and what you want to do. Be kind to yourself and follow your bliss. :-)

WHAT a typo. I’ll never go near a Mormon group—divorced or otherwise.