I have been divorced for over 24 years. But the x husband still slanders me to our children/families/community.
Before I 'left' the church, I stopped attending altogether because every ward bishop would believe his 'stories'.
He would find out what ward I belonged and contact the bishop and tell them horrible lies about me and my family (I was a convert).
I am an introvert so it was easy for him to overshadow me and out talk me at every turn. I chose to ignore him.
Now I am retiring & moving closer to my grandchildren. Which unfortunately for me, the x already lives near this area. :(
I am worried (actually panicked)he will continue to slander me more at those events where both grandparents attend.
I have avoided him except for those events where I can't avoid him. The last time he slandered me (in public) was to the guests at our son's wedding reception. (As we were greeting people!?)
I am like a deer in the headlights as I don't know what to say. My kids don't like when he does this slander- but they don't challenge him because he is 'active in church' and I am not.
I wish I had the confidence to just tell him to F off. He has caused so much misery to myself and my children for the years we were together. All his schemes and deals. His constant unemployment and using the church to justify himself.

I have a solution:
A baseball bat judiciously applied to his kneecaps

How about not advocating violence, OK?

Yeah, watch it or Roy will kick your ass!

I think he could use a hug more than an ass kicking. Seems like you might need one too.

Mister Rogers!

That's Mr. Rogers, A.P. to you!

Well, if you insist--although I'd prefer to think you are a good person!

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I have to say that when a person who is the victim of abuse comes to you for help it is not helpful to suggest to them that the abuser "needs a hug."

Is it possible you are of the belief (which is mistaken) that abusers are abusers because someone abused them? That would be incorrect, if you believe that. In a few cases it is true, but the majority of cases are simply people who feel they are entitled. I highly recommend getting the book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. He has been a therapist treating these men for many years. The fact is abusers abuse because they enjoy it. It's entertainment for them.

In many cases it's even true that they have a personality disorder where they lack the "voice within," in other words they lack a conscience. I highly recommend you watch this 6 min clip from a film created by a psychiatrist:
www.fisheadmovie.com/watch1

Thanks for the book suggestion!

I would avoid being in the same room as this person, even if it means missing some events. When asked why you're not attending, explain that Ex is verbally abusive, and has made scenes at events where you've been present.

If you will attend an event where he is at, and if he talks to you, tell him that you request no contact from him. If he is
a jerk, tell him, "This is why I have requested no contact from you. I don't like the way that you treat people. Go away (voice raised)."

You can also ask to not be told about what he says. I would explain that it is healthier to not be told about it, since his animus is not relevant or helpful to you. He has already taken up enough of your time. Don't give him more.

Not that this is useful with the problem at hand, but it strikes me that a Man does not slander the mother of his children either in her presence or in the presence of her children.

And surely you must be wrong about an active member of the church, because as the 13th farticle of ‘aith states, mormons practice being “honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men.”

Want me to kick his ass? I don’t practice mormonism, so I’m exempt from ol’ #13...

Get your Danny Trejo on.

You're slandered for quitting the LDS sex cult? Ayee-mazzee-ing!

He's got to stay in it, his half bum joblessness must really be acquaintanced with ol'Joe as far as his identity goes, eh?

Wow, your ex sounds like a real piece of $h|+

Practice some lines you can use when he pulls these stunts:

~ "Goodness [Joe], it's been 24 years...when are you going to stop telling these lies?" (or "stories" or "exagerations")

~ "All I know is life is better without you in it."

~ "I'm happy."

Say any or all of the above with a big Mormon smile.


Another thing that works for me with my toxic step-mother, half-sister and oldest brother is to just put the word out that I'm ready to share my side of the story with anyone who wants to know. The first go-round, I even threatened to have copies printed up and ready to hand to anyone who was interested, or if I overheard someone telling lies. That pretty much shut it down.


Best approach is to just avoid them, of course, but that's obviously not always possible.

You can't win with these types. No matter how clever, nothing you can say will do anything but fuel his need to treat you this way.

Have you told your children how hurt you are? Isn't the real fear that they and others may believe his words? Focus on building your relationship with your children and grandchildren. They will see him for the bully he is if he continues. Most decent human beings do not want to see someone being denigrated, picked on, harassed. The more he does it, the more the bully begins to look as bad as he is trying to make you out to be.

That is what occurs to me anyway. I feel for you. Good luck.

I am all for telling him to F off. It’s just two words, but he really needs to hear them.


But then, I enjoy swearing more than most people do.

Have you thought of hiring a lawyer and having charges brought against your ex?

One of the fun things about being old is being able to say nust about anything to anyone.

I'll see someone in the store maybe looking at a can of corn and just say. "When I was your age a can of corn was a dime." Then walk off.

Try it. It's fun!

Just say one line to a younger person. No need to even have a conversation. After a while you'll be comfortable talking obliquely to someone. Then when he says something slanderous you just say something like "only a senile old man like you would remember it like that".

As for the grandkids just tell them an embarrassing story about him. Something they'll laugh at. Make him human and prone to error. Doesn't have to be malicious. Just something that proves he's not godlike. Soon they'll see him different.

Your grandfather once was caught....smoking, drinking, cheating on a test etc. Or your grandfather told me he cried every night for a week when ....he went on his mission. Girlfriend dumped him etc.

Good luck

If this has been going on for 24 years, you're not going to stop him. He is what he is. What you can change is how you react to it.

Presumably, your family and friends have figured out by now he's a lying SOB. If so, then he's just an annoyance. If not, then that is the real problem that needs to be addressed.

I wouldn't even dignify his behavior by calling it slander. Sounds more like simple malicious jack-assery.

My ex-wife is active in the Church. If she can't stop talking about me, then how could I ever "make her shut up."

When we were married when people learned who I was married to all they said was, "You have my sympathies."

Now my ex-wife can talk. She feels she is denigrating me, but her words (and attitude) are more a reflection on herself than anything I could ever say about her.

The people she talks to are in 2 broad categories:
1. people I don't care about (and she can say what she wishes);
or,
2. people I care about who know me and rely on their own judgment.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 12/24/2020 04:34PM by idleswell.

I'm sorry that you're going through this, Annabelle. If you are over age 60 you might want to look into the elder abuse statutes in your state. The man is very likely one of the types described in this book, which I highly recommend you read: "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. He has been a therapist treating these men for many years. The fact is abusers abuse because they enjoy it.

Since your kids do not stand up for you it is a very bad idea for you to be moving nearer to this situation. Stress like this causes ill health. It is like intentionally moving to where you will be in a daily domestic violence situation. Why do I say it is like that? Because emotional abuse, especially by people who are in closely-related your family will destroy a person's health. This fact is well-documented.

I'm sorry to have to make this suggestion, but I highly advise you not to move to that area. It could be the difference between living a healthy life or within a couple of years ending up with cancer or other fatal health problems.

You are dealing with someone that has NPD(narcissistic personality disorder) from the sound of what you are saying. The slandering is part of the smear campaign to ruin your name and character and reputation.

Happened to me and is still happening to me probably if they noticed I implemented no contact finally. I have literally been slandered by both parents since I was a teenager to all extended family. Everyone thought I was crazy before the age of 18 but I was abused before then with physical, emotional, and psychological brainwashing.

The slandering is to cover their ass if I ever opened my mouth about abuse going on behind closed doors.

Its a nightmare by the way. Don't even try to defend yourself against the slandering. Most times they will believe the narcissist or narcissists over you because of how they perfectly positioned themselves as you know in good active standing in the religion. My only option was to cut off all contact because they set up my downfall perfectly even down to knowing I would want and probably attempt revenge if I ever escaped the religion and the family. So far I have not fallen for the bait of getting physical revenge and ending up in prison as they all assumed would happen because I actually feel empathy and they know this and they do not feel empathy on any level and this is how they could manipulate me through my emotions throughout most of my life. Like a dog on a leash basically. Been learning how to use logical thinking instead of emotional thinking that they knew that they can prey upon and exploit.

But yea in summary, you are in the midst of a narcissists smear campaign.

The little devil on my shoulder would probably be tempted to slander him right back. But it might be more effective to say in a loud, clear, calm voice, "Divorced for 24 years and he still isn't over it. Talk about a sore loser!" Say it with a little smile and a shake of your head, like you can't believe his ongoing foolishness.

Try to develop some confidence. Practice that or other possible responses in front of the mirror if you need to. As a long time schoolteacher, I can promise you that the only thing that bullies get is when you stand up to them with confidence. They are counting on you to cower and take their garbage. Don't do it! You don't have to come down to your husband's level, but you don't need to take his abuse either. Another comment might be, "It takes a very little man to hold a grudge for that many years, doesn't it?" Give him a smile that wouldn't melt butter and raise an eyebrow when you say that, like he is beneath your notice.

Say not true but you should hear what he says about you or your family or mother. Fill in the blank.

My guess is that your husband feels hurt about something. He has an open wound that isn’t healing and probably never will.
Perhaps he feels that you are responsible for that wound and that you have to pay.

I would say nice things about him.
“Hey, that guy is the greatest nicest guy in the world.”
“Everything he says is true.”
“I recommend that you believe in what he says.”
“Once, my toilet was jammed. I called him and he came over quickly and unjammed it. He is a great friend to have.”

So, we need to say over exaggerated nice things about him and also construct pointless ludicrous stories. Be creative.

~~~~iceman9090

There must be something about him that is less than perfect in a way that can be spoken in just a few words. Whatever it is, be honest about it. But be fully honest about it..... with everyone. I would be prepared to speak about his worst or most embarrassing actions ever, in just a few seconds, to anyone who knows him and who cares to listen. Don't initiate this sharing of information or even bring him up yourself. Use it as a counter-punch, any time you see evidence that he is slandering you. Just drop those bombs in to the conversation and move along. If you were married to him, you must have something on him that will hurt when he hears about it from others. If he cheated on you or if he couldn't maintain an erection, it'll hurt hearing about that from his adult children or from his home teaching companion, and possibly with details that only you would know about. Hopefully, people can be shocked by what they hear and will gossip about it. He won't know exactly who knows nor exactly what they know. Don't lose any energy over anyone's reactions. Don't expect anyone to respond to you in any certain way. But be willing to share any explicit details to anyone who wants to know more. Just be prepared to hold the space graciously if a shit storm erupts when you drop those bombs. At the same time, make sure your boundaries are firm with anyone who may be caught in the middle and to not drag anyone in to the conflict unless they want to go there voluntarily. You can't change the truth (of his least honorable actions or of the most humiliatable parts of his psyche) and you do have the freedom of speech. Just share truthful information only. That's what will hurt him the most if his actions against you stem from his own regret about his own actions. And let those words get back to him. Don't approach him nor agree to anything after he comes to you, until he is willing to agree to quit slandering you and to apologize and to correct the record with others. If he is in the church and you have officially resigned or don't care about the church, he won't be able to compete with you in a game of who can shame the other the most. You can still always flaunt your own violations of church rules or active sex life (if necessary), while shaming him for his hypocracy and non-compliance. I would maintain this war front until he quits using his and others' involvement in the church and other intimidation factors against you.

azsteve Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> . . . Just drop those bombs in to the conversation
> and move along. . .

> If he cheated on you
> or if he couldn't maintain an erection, it'll hurt
> hearing about that from his adult children or from
> his home teaching companion, and possibly with
> details that only you would know about. . . be willing
> to share any explicit details to anyone who wants
> to know more. . .

> You can
> still always flaunt your own violations of church
> rules or active sex life . . .

Stay classy, azsteve.

Thanks to all for the suggestions and support. And to answer azsteve: the truth to tell about the Ex that is most damaging is he refused to pay child support.
All his preaching about how great he is-he did not support his family.

He stiffed me on the small CS payments until I contacted the county and the county attached his wages.

(He screamed that I was to wait on support and lectured me over the phone and I hung up on him.)

So he quit his job that he had at that time-thinking he would avoid paying child support.
Then bought himself a newer car.
Nothing to go to the support of his 4 kids.
Then he was going to lose his driver's license --so his mom paid his arrears.
He's since remarried 2 more times and each time his mother bought the engagement rings yet he never paid a dime for the sons' missions
or contributed to any of the 4 kids' college or anything.
This is the righteous LDS BYU guy I got defrauded by-And his family still enables him?!

What happened to "Pray for your enemies?", it accomplished volumes of ground with those folks that I choose to engage with when searching for ways to help make a nearly unsolvable situation a little bit better. Smart folks really get where you're going with this.

When with anyone who knows these flying monkeys I ask them to please pray for the misguided soul. I actually believe in prayer and tell my acquaintance I'll be sure to lift up a prayer as well.

Like Jim Dethmer says, things just like this carry you both into a fresher and more serenely kept meadow.

Next year write one of those over-the-top Christmas brag letters and don't mention him at all.