WARNING! Much shameless self-indulgence ahead.

For the first time in 18 months I am starting to reel back in the parts of my self that have been tethered here and there waiting to become a whole again. Needed a simpler me to get through. Had to give parts of myself a time out. Now. The first time in 18 months I have been able to engage my true love whom I have continuously cut off short, rudely, abruptly, and with no hint of remorse. That would be Reading.

Done & Done's spring, here. The signs are there. 18 months of Covid. 18 months of the heaviest work schedule imaginable. 18 months of keeping so many employees safe and moneyed, and, keeping the enemy, the client, sated, fed, so spring could be sprung.

Signs of D & D's spring? Birds? Bees? Flowers? Trees?

No. A book. Hundreds of pages that I cannot put down. Millions of words finally in their proper groups. (I would tell you what it is but it is much too sophisticated for the likes of you.) Finally not thrown on the pile of half read

The book, a sure sign and not of the nail, and other recent events have made the processing center focus on control as Cold Dodger's latest thread, saturated with that very subject, has unearthed copious quantities of regret stemming from my own personal war on control. Can't stop thinking about his words. Brings up a lot of regret for me.

I wondered. Who else has traded the sick control of a BIC Extreme TBM family for some other control without realizing it?

Weren't we all raised to be Ado Annies? Weren't we all doomed by our formative years being extreme Mormons? Well, some here weren't. But the ones who were. Do you know what I mean? I know Cold Dodger does.

I just want out of the boxing ring.

Although I was never Mormon, I totally get that. It took me decades of age and experience to completely shake off Catholic guilt. I blamed myself for things that no one else ever did. There are times when people need to feel guilty, but Catholicism imposes it heavily on even the most minor things. The Catholics who take their lessons the most seriously are the ones who suffer the most. And for what? It's unnecessary, and sucks the joy out of living. It bogs people down.

My job, teaching, also has a lot of top-down control. "It's for the children," and therefore we evidently have to devote every waking hour to it. Teachers put in enormous amounts of unpaid overtime (50+, or 60+ hours per week,) and yet, it is never enough. More is required of us. I often feel guilty when I am not attending to unfinished tasks. And there are always unfinished tasks. When do I get a weekend during the school year that is completely free of work? What is this thing called a weekend?

I have two novels sitting on deck. I would like to get to them. I have two computer games that I would like to play. I need the mental space to engage with them. It's spring, I would like to get out and about. I want to go the zoo, and to parks and gardens. I want to give myself the gift of time.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/05/2021 11:56AM by summer.

My late wife was Catholic and I think guilt weighed in to her life and decision process more than she acknowledged.

Much more so the church as I was the one who bought into it hook, line, and sinker. I was their extremely devout child. It was a surprise and still is to all my family that I left the church including cousins, etc.

Now, I'm glad that I didn't have more than 2 kids. I have 5 siblings and the truth is the 2 who are now disabled take less of my energy than the ones who aren't disabled. Everyone NEEDS something. I'm considered the family enabler. Two of my siblings consider me a mother figure, especially my youngest brother.

I'm the one who goes to therapy. I'm the identified patient. My therapist says since I get help, they all think they don't need to. And they don't. My son is actually in therapy right now, which is NECESSARY. But everyone has resisted it, but me.

I'm weary.

There is so much work right now and I seem to be the only one who gets on in the morning. 118 reports and I can do about 20 in a day. Three new employees who have hardly shown up the last 2 days. (We're on line.)

I need to get back to reading, but I don't. I keep trying. I like movies. They are my escape. Went to see "Six Minutes to Midnight" Saturday and loved it. Right now, that is my escape. (Cache Valley is a lot different during this pandemic than other areas.)

I'm glad you found an escape.

God, I wish I was sophisticated enough...

Haha. You may be the one actually. If I make it past halfway this time, then I will divulge.

In particular this book's characters are not good or bad as wild choices they make. I like that. So tired of assessment and judgement and best--- the plot writhes like a snake.

The 'Spoiler' in me can't resist, plus it's like a huge self-brag, letting everyone know that I've already read it.

So... forgive me...


Dick sees Jane run. Swear!!!

Close. But no cigar. More like, "Spot's Revenge."

First The Cat, now you!!

Sometimes, Jesus, a cigar is just a cigar.

I know exactly what you mean. I was put in a box for most of my life and I am not even joking. Anytime I tried to get out of that box would be met with rage and more control tactics. I try to convince myself that I still am not a controlled human but I am. Even though I am not as severely controlled I would say, the government still does hold control on me to a degree. One control helped me escape a former control. Just can't win it seems. No matter what anyone says no one seems to want a human to think for themself.

I had to laugh at juvenile hall officials who’d confine the worst delinquents to their cells and make them read books all day.

What a punishment. Sounds more like a Get Out of Jail Free card for those juveniles--at least a temporary pass, the reading. Well if the book is good.

I am halfway. This was the book for me after the year I've had. I know everybody has had a bad year, but mine is uniquely mine--one in eight billion.

In this book everyone needs to be forgiven. Sound familiar? I'm hoping by the end everyone is. But I am laughing to the point of tears and crying to the point of laughter. And I am reading about policemen who are real human beings for a change. Damn I needed that.

A few more pages and I will have to keep my promise to Human to divulge. I'm a slow reader though---I live a book or don't read it at all. So don't hold your breath.