I was so miserable those first couple of years out of the church. I left immediately after finishing my mission and went started college at SUU. I was excited to embark on a voyage of real self-discovery and experience some of the joys of life outside the church. But I had no one to turn to and no faculty to figure it out on my own. Luckily my family, who I now lived 5 hours away from, were kind and respectful of my choices, but here at college, all of my apartment roommates were Mormons (except for 1 who happened to be an obnoxious dick). I would spend so much time at the library, sitting alone while I watched everyone around me foster friendships and relationships. I would freeze my ass off walking around random streets in Cedar City by myself, sometimes breaking down crying in a vacant lot or park somewhere. I worked enough hours to try to support myself that I didn't have time to go to a lot of clubs and student events, and when I happened to be free I was simply to shy to try to go to events, dances, and stuff, especially since I didn't have any friends to go with. I was miserable and lonely for the first 2-3 years out of the church, but I always knew I would be worse off with a church community I could never again agree with.
I ended up dropping out of college after a few years, realizing how physically and mentally unsustainable it was to try to pay for college when I had no desire to jump into the corporate world that the university program was designed to prepare me for and ended up moving to a communal farm.
I've lived here for a year now and I feel great. I have real friendships for the first time in my adult life. I still haven't had a romantic/sexual relationship yet (not sure if I really want to tbh), and I'm still poor AF, but it feels great to have rebuilt that sense of community and my life again has purpose.
Anyway, thanks y'all for being here for me in that difficult time in my life. I wish all fellow travelers the strength to keep moving forward and searching their souls to find what they need to heal and be happy.

    One foot in front of the other . . .

    Some people struggle cuz it's all uphill; if you're comfortable with your pace, you're one of the lucky ones.  Sure, you can always hope or wish for more, but if you like who you are now, you're better off than ever so many.

    Keep on keeping on.

    

It can take a very long time to unentangle your mind from a stringent religious upbringing. But it sounds like you have found a peaceful, safe harbor, and are making progress.

You might want to start thinking about how you want to earn your living for the long run. Speaking from experience, there comes a time when being poor gets old. This doesn't necessarily have to mean an office job.

My first days were delightful.

I had spent so long trying to preserve my testimony, to reconcile obviously contradictory historical and doctrinal principles, to rationalize and then figure out how to ignore the Q15's sins/crimes, to justify continued membership in a community few of whose members I respected, and to persuade myself that keeping my eldest in primary was appropriate, that when that last church leader demonstrated the complete failure of inspiration I felt immediate and profound freedom. The rusty chains crumbled and I was liberated.

A few weeks later I was on a business trip and tried my first wine. Several days after that I found a form of coffee that I liked. A friend who knew of my long struggles was shocked at how quickly I changed my ways, but I told her that everything stemmed from my commitment to the religion and once that commitment was gone I could resume a normal life. Nothing needed to be mourned.

This was the one instance in which Lot's Wife did not look back. What was burning was not my childhood home, my friends, and my memories, but religious delusion and the bonds that had enthralled me for decades. I owed those smouldering ruins neither loyalty nor recognition.

Burn, baby, burn.

The 'church' Is In apostasy
So you were Just Out Of apostasy

Just wanted to clarify

"ended up moving to a communal farm"

Living the dream. I wouldn't be in a hurry to get into relationships either, if you value your sanity. Even if she's not psychotic, her culture is.

They call it apostasy. Don't accept their labels. Look at the labels they put on LGBTs, or blacks in the past, or the "lamanites" they once tried to exterminate.

They are a franchised asylum. You were never the problem, it was them. They gaslighted you because that's a manipulation tactic.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/25/2021 04:53AM by bradley.

I think apostasy is a perfectly fine label. The root means to move away from. Same root as ‘apostle’, one who goes away to spread the message.

I did move away from Mormonism. That makes me a Mormon apostate. I’d rather own the label than spend energy fighting it.

The trouble with apostles is that they always come back.

Brother Of Jerry Wrote:
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> I think apostasy is a perfectly fine label. The root means to move away from.

Same root as ‘apostle’, one who goes away to spread the message. >

JOSEPH SMITH was an apostate
(That doesn't mean everyone else is)

I was miserable the last few years of trying to believe but knowing deep down that I was in a cult.
Being out is so much better. Free at last!

Actually they were super great days

Anarcho-Apostasy Wrote:
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> tbh), and I'm still poor AF, but it feels great to
> have rebuilt that sense of community and my life

You are much much richer than many people I know.