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Posted by: hawk ( )
Date: October 30, 2015 02:20AM

I hate her because he tried to force me to have a relationship with her. I hate her because she tried to replace my mother (who I'm now closer than ever to; we've both left TSCC). She plays grandma with my sister's kids and is generally annoying. She's not my family and I don't want anything to do with her....

But I'm thinking about my wedding in a couple of years, and how if I don't at least let her attend, it's a very real possibility that my father won't come at all.

I keep swinging back and forth between banning her from the wedding and just letting it slide. I'm planning on a very small, intimate wedding and it turns my stomach to think of either situation: her being there, or my father not being there.

I don't want more drama, but I also don't want her to think she's part of my life. Your thoughts, RfM?

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Posted by: verilyverily ( )
Date: October 30, 2015 02:47AM

You are planning a wedding for a few years from now? Don't borrow trouble so far in advance. This bitch might be out of the picture by then. Your dad could divorce her or she could die. You can always hope.
Wait and see

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Posted by: madalice ( )
Date: October 30, 2015 02:50AM

My thoughts exactly. Don't worry until you need to. By the time you send out the invites, all of the issues may be resolved.

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Posted by: hawk ( )
Date: October 30, 2015 03:15AM

I really don't think she's going to be out of the picture. They only got married a year or two ago.

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Posted by: knotheadusc ( )
Date: October 30, 2015 03:24AM

I agree with those who are advising you not to borrow trouble. A lot can change in a few years.

Aside from that, speaking as someone whose husband's kids hate her, I'd like to point out that she could very well feel the same way about you and might not even want to attend your wedding. There's a reason why your father married this woman. Not knowing the people involved, I can only guess there is something about her that he loves. If it were me in this situation, I might try to talk to my dad about it and see if we can come up with a solution that appeals to everyone. Or at least a solution that people can live with.

Good luck.

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Posted by: hawk ( )
Date: October 30, 2015 03:36AM

Thanks for your input. I hope I didn't touch a nerve.
However, I think this might need a little more background. He married her as a replacement for our mother. He will not listen to me if I try to discuss things. Before I even questioned the church, I told him I was uncomfortable with her. He reacted with lots of disrespect towards me. Not a single concession or acknowledgment of my feelings. He has since been distant, enjoying vacations and fun things with her and her family, which he never did with us. I don't hold out a lot of hope for compromise.
Also I'm pretty sure she doesn't hate me. She has tried to be my best friend without me asking. She's weird and makes me feel so awkward. I'm glad I live far away.

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Posted by: knotheadusc ( )
Date: October 30, 2015 03:47AM

Yes, a little background is helpful. Hate is a very strong word and I don't know anything at all about you or your situation.

To be honest, it sounds to me like it's your dad that you're more angry at, not his wife. I think that since he is your dad, it's easier to dislike his wife than it is to dislike him. And that's not even to say that you dislike your dad; it just sounds like you resent his decision to make such a major lifestyle change that affects you. That's just how it sounds to me, whether or not that's the truth.

I don't want to diminish your feelings because I know they are very real. I just want to point out that those feelings can go both ways. Being a stepparent is difficult. It's hard to know how to behave. A lot of stepparents overcompensate to try to get along. It could be that your dad even told his wife to try to make nice with you and your sister. Add in Mormonism and it gets especially weird. But again, I'm making stabs in the dark because I don't know that much about your situation.

I am sorry you're dealing with this. I know it's tough. Hang in there.

ETA: I am sure you don't think of his wife as your stepmom, though she may see herself that way. Blending families can be very awkward.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/30/2015 03:49AM by knotheadusc.

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Posted by: hawk ( )
Date: October 30, 2015 05:47AM

Thanks again. I am trying to be as rational as possible about this. And yeah, don't consider her my stepmom because I was already full grown and out of the house before she came along.

Perhaps hate is a strong word. I just don't like her at all. If she weren't married to my dad I would just avoid her altogether.

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Posted by: knotheadusc ( )
Date: October 30, 2015 05:58AM

I understand. It's tough to have to be around people you can't stand. You're lucky to live far away and not have to see her very often.

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Posted by: summer ( )
Date: October 30, 2015 05:33AM

The 2nd wife and your dad are a team now. Yes, you would need to invite her (along with your dad) to an important life event such as a wedding. Aim for a distant cordiality. You don't have to be her best buddy. It's fortunate that you live at a distance from one another so that you don't have to see her often.

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Posted by: blueorchid ( )
Date: October 30, 2015 10:07AM

Yes. I usually agree with Summer even when I don't want to.

Every wedding should have at least one undesirable guest. Otherwise things go perfectly and you have no outrageous stories to tell your friends or grandchildren for years to come.

Love Summer's reference to "distant cordiality." It can be very fun to serve that dish, and always luke warm.

If it happens, just plan carefully so she can't upstage you or your mother. Have some cream pies around in case that happens, if you know what I mean. :)

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Posted by: Amyjo ( )
Date: October 30, 2015 10:29AM

I see a wedding as a time for family members to come together, and put their best foot forward.

Hawk's step-mom doesn't sound like a drama queen. In fact, she's described as ingratiatingly nice. She'll likely go out of her way to make sure she isn't in the way at Hawk's wedding.

It would be a mistake IMO not to invite her. It would be a snub to her father if she does that.

Summer does have the right intent, and spirit, agreed.

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Posted by: Amyjo ( )
Date: October 30, 2015 06:42AM

Your hate is misplaced and directed at her, while you seem to be more angry at your dad for trying to replace your mom.

It would be wisest for you to at least consider showing some courtesy and respect to her as your stepmother. Even if you can't stand her.

My parents both remarried after I left home as a young adult. Dad's wife became like another mother to me, in her own way. I can say we didn't get off to the best start, but in time we warmed up to each other. She had four children from her prior marriage, and her youngest daughter and I lived under their roof for a time. She and I had some sibling rivalry going on, even though we were both young adults then. It was a difficult time.

My stepdad was a total creep. I couldn't stand him. But I showed him as much respect as I could, out of respect to my mother. That we didn't get along is probably an understatement. But I forced myself to be civil, and after years we forged a mostly civil relationship.

They're all deceased now.

My advice is not to harbor resentment or harsh feelings against this woman, now that your dad is married to her. You may come to respect her in time. She probably already knows how uncomfortable she makes you feel. Maybe that's why she tries harder to get in your good graces.

Cut her some slack, if you can. Hate is a strong word to use for your father's wife, unless she's truly an evil bitch.

We only have our parents for a little while, and then they're gone. Treasure the time you still have with each of them, for what it's worth.

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Posted by: CA girl ( )
Date: October 30, 2015 10:37AM

Hawk, you didn't really mention anything she does that is evil except take over a role in your life you didn't want her to have. She may be a perfectly nice, well-meaning person who is just trying to live her life but unfortunately, thanks to your dad, her life is overlapping yours in ways that make you uncomfortable. If you've only been saddled with her for a year, I'd give her time. Time for you to get used to each other, time for you to define your boundaries and set up your relationship with her on your terms and so on. It sounds like you've got your hands full with the here and now - I wouldn't worry too much about what is going to happen a few years from now. By then, you will be better able to deal with it and have a fiance that will help you to make the right decisions. You shouldn't burden yourself with the unknown future, even though your worries are legitimate and concerning. But maybe you could be like Scarlett O'Hara in Gone With the Wind and just tell yourself "I will think about that tomorrow." I sympathize because I'm the classic worrier - what if? person but I've learned over the years things work out OK to a remarkable extent and, if not, you'll have plenty of time to worry about this when you get closer to the date.

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Posted by: CA girl ( )
Date: October 30, 2015 10:42AM

OK, I went back an re-read your comments and want to add two more things. One, when I said define your relationship, that includes a "non-relationship." If she really makes you uncomfortable, you don't need to question - just stay away from her. That is what gut instinct is for. Ask yourself though, if she makes you uncomfortable because she gives off a weird vibe or has "scary eyes" or if she just makes you uncomfortable because she's pushy. Because if she's just pushy and not giving off an "unsafe" vibe, you might still be able to hammer out a working relationship.

Also, you might hate her because it's safer and easier to hate her than to hate your dad for his attitude and his actions. It sounds from what your saying like he is the real villain of your story and who you are really mad at but it's harder to be mad at your dad than a stranger. I don't know your whole story, so if I'm way off base just ignore me. But it's something to ask yourself.

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Posted by: schlock ( )
Date: October 30, 2015 10:41AM

I hate my stepmonster too hawk.

She's a prurient prude, socially inept, has a baby piglet face, told me that I finally have a real mom shortly after her and dad married, and is forever overstepping her boundaries. (Example: Every time we move, she sics the new bishop and missionaries on us. We don't give her, or my dad, our new addresses any more. All they get is a PO Box.)


When Ms. Schlock and I married (only a few guests were invited) on a beautiful bluff overlooking the Puget Sound, guess what? Dad & SM were invited. And we were polite. And we survived.


Of course, it was the right thing to do. Sometimes, you just gotta suck it up a little...

I opine.

Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 10/30/2015 10:42AM by schlock.

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Posted by: Hedning ( )
Date: October 30, 2015 01:10PM

He is a non-member and they got divorced. They are still friendly to each other and the kids but she now lives far away. Her parents love him and invite him to their house often as a son. I've attended parties there with all of them. Great people, and not a mormon among them.

If I was going to wonder who will have a happier, longer, more meaningful life, I would expect my friend will do much better than those that hate and create drama.

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Posted by: anonrit3n0w ( )
Date: October 30, 2015 03:02PM

Your dad needs to realize he can't force a relationship between you two. It has to grow organically. I despised my stepfather at first and now I'm the one cheering in his corner when my siblings are ragging on him. Our relationship didn't develop until mom backed off. He's actually a really good guy and good for my mom in ways that my dad wasn't. It just took me a while to see that. I love him dearly. It took me a while to get there, but now I am very glad he's a member the family.

Give it time. Many things can happen in two years. Nothing says you HAVE to like her, but my advice would be as polite as you can. Who knows. You both might surprise each other.

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Posted by: Greyfort ( )
Date: October 30, 2015 03:39PM

Well generally wedding invitations say "invited person" and guest, so his guest would likely be her.

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