Seriously...ok, ok,...half seriously, have you noticed how a lot of LDS history is written like a 19th Century dime novel?

"He sprang from the wagon" "She threw open the door"

Well, it *was* written in the 19th Century, but I guess when things are fairly dull you have to jazz 'em up a little.

Ever notice that the BOM is written like one too?

Joe Smith would have been a great character in a Mark Twain novel.

This was in a college English anthology back in the 70s


"Who Flang That Ball?"
by W. F. Miksch

My assignment was to interview Infield Ingersoll, one-time shortstop for the Wascosville Wombats and now a radio sports announcer. Dizzy Dean, Red Barber, Ted Lightner, and other sportscasters had taken back seats since the colorful Ingersoll had gone on the air. The man had practically invented a new language.

"I know just what you're gonna ask," Infield began. "You wanna know how come I use all them ungrammatical expressions like 'He swang at a high one." You think I am illitrut."

"No, indeed," I said. Frankly, I had intended to ask him what effect he thought his extraordinary use of the King's English might have on future generations of radio listeners.

But a gleam in Infield's eyes when he said "illitrut" changed my mind. "What I'd really like to hear," I said, "is the story of how you left baseball and became a sportscaster."

Infield looked pleased. "Well, " he said, "it was the day us Wombats plew the Pink Sox..."

"Plew the Pink Sox?" I interrupted. "Don't you mean played?"

Infield's look changed to disappointment. "Slay, slew. Play, plew. What's the matter with that?"

NO THINKING THIS WAY "Slay is an irregular verb," I pointed out.

"So who's to say what's regular or irregular? English teachers! Can an English teacher bat three hundred?"

He paused belligerently, and then went on. "What I'm tryin' to do is easify the languish. I make all regular verbs irregular. Once they're all irregular, then it's just the same like they're all regular. That way I don't gotta stop and think."

He had something there. "Go on with your story," I said.

"Well, it was the top of the fifth, when this Sox batter wang out a high pop fly. I raught for it."
"Raught?"

"Past tense of verb to Reach. Teach, taught, Reach,--"

"Sorry, " I said. "Go ahead."

"Anyhow I raught for it, only the sun blound me."

"You mean blinded?"

"Look said Infield patiently, "you wouldn't say a pitcher winded up, would you? So there I was, blound by the sun, and the ball just nuck the tip of my glove--that's nick, nuck; same congregation as stick, stuck. But luckily I caught it just as it skam the top of my
shoe."

"Skam? Could that be the past tense of to skim?"

"Yeah, yeah, same as swim, swam. You want this to be a English lesson or you wanna hear my story?"

"Your story please, Mr. Ingersoll."

"Okay. Well, just then the umpire cell, 'Safe!' Naturally I was surprose. Because I caught that fly, only the ump cell the runner safe."

"Cell is to call as fell is to fall, I suppose?" I inquired.

"Right. Now you're beginning to catch on." Infield regarded me happily as if there was now some hope for me. "So I yold at him, 'Robber! That decision smold!'"

"Yell, yold. Smell, smold," I mumbled. "Same idea as tell, told."

Infield rumbled on, "I never luck that umpire anyway."

"Hold it!" I cried. I finally had tripped this backhand grammarian. "A minute ago, you used nuck as the past for nick, justifying it by the verb to stick. Now you use luck as a verb. Am I to assume by this that luck is the past tense of to lick?"

NOBODY LUCK HIM "Luck is past for like. To like is a regular irregular verb of which there are several such as strike, struck. Any farther questions or should I go on?"

"Excuse me," I said, "you were saying you never luck that umpire."

"And neither did the crowd. Everyone thrould at my courage. I guess I better explain thrould," Infield said thoughtfully. "Thrould comes that? Now to get field, you bum, and no back talk!' the umpire whoze."

"Whoze?"

"He had asthma," Infield pointed out patiently.

I saw through it instantly. Wheeze, whoze. Freeze froze.

"And with those words, that ump invote disaster. I swang at him

"Lood? Oh, I see--Stand, stood. Land, lood--it lood on his jaw."

"Sure. He just feld up and went down like a light. As he reclone onthe field, he pept at me out of his good eye."

"SO I QUAT" "Now wait. What's this pept?" I asked.

"After you sleep, you've did what?" Infield inquired.

"Why, slept--oh, he peeped at you, did he?"

"You bet he pept at me. And in that peep I saw it was curtains for me in the league henceforward. So I beat him to it and just up and quat."

"Sit, sat. Quit--well, that gets you out of baseball," I said. "Only you still haven't told me how you got to be on radio and television."

"I guess that'll have to wait," Infield said, "on account I gotta hurry now to do a broadcast."

As he shade my hand good-by, Infield grun and wank at me.