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Posted by: MyShelfBroke ( )
Date: July 01, 2016 10:46AM

Sorry this is a little bit of a rant, I don't have a lot of time to think out what I want to write :).

So after discovering the church to be a total and utter fraud a little over a month ago, it is my personality to just move on. However, I feel a weird feeling of being stuck in trying to prove the church is wrong and prove I have thought this out completely. So many people have given me books I "MUST READ" - from my Christian friends trying to help me transition to Christianity, history books from my dad (trying to explain my issues), to books by Denver Snuffer so I can understand the restoration and still leave the church. The list goes on. Not to mention to constant implores to read The BOM from Mormon friends and the Bible from Christians. Part of me wants to give it time so I can feel I understand all view points. The other part of me is just like - "Oh my gosh I just want to live my life! I'm so done having my time wasted by this twisted church!"

I just want to make decisions based on just thinking about what the consequences will be and what is compassionate. But I just feel this heavy weight to research every view point. How can I organize my thoughts and decide what I actually want to spend my time doing? I'm a young mom and I have two young children - 5 and 18 months who are super active and my time to read and research are sort of limited. I'm also starting homeschooling my 5 year old this fall, something I am super passionate about. I want to focus on things that are now actually important to me but I feel the need to research so I can defend myself against everyone and give "solid reasons". I know I don't need to defend myself and keep the conversations short but it is this nagging feeling. So far I can explain myself pretty well (obviously none of my reasons are good enough and I know they never will be) but I just feel like I should read more and more and more and I can't really understand why.

Anyways now that I went off on a tangent. The point is, I want to move on but I have this weird feeling that I have to read a library worth of books and articles to justify my choice. Any thoughts? What helped you move on?

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Posted by: Cheryl ( )
Date: July 01, 2016 10:51AM

Is it being lied to?

Do you feel regret for spending time in the mormon church?

Are you bothered about what the mormon church wouldn't allow you to do while you were part of their numbers?

Are you missing the money you gave them?

Are you embarrassed for not seeing through the scam?

Are you concerned about what people think of you?

Figure out what's bothering you, then you can deal with it and move on when you're ready.

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Posted by: Amyjo ( )
Date: July 01, 2016 11:06AM

Utah Lighthouse Ministry is online and has a plethora of information you can peruse on their website for free, plus a bunch of stuff they sell. UTLM helped me when I first learned the church was a fraud, by signing up for their newsletter.

RfM has loads of information accessible here also. It's hard with young children, and home schooling. You've already learned of the fraud, the rest is peripheral.

The BoM is passe - old news. Why read it again, if you have already? I don't even keep a copy anymore for reference, don't want it in my house.

You'll find what works for you, and your center of gravity. For now your children, husband and family are your priorities, and yourself.

Be prepared to go through the five stages of grieving the loss of the Mormon identity aka dogma that was integral to your life up to now.

You'll get angry, maybe be in denial, grieve, bargain, and at some point find acceptance of your life post-Mormonism.

Good luck and best wishes!

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/01/2016 11:07AM by Amyjo.

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Posted by: Brother Of Jerry ( )
Date: July 01, 2016 11:14AM

A month? You're not stuck. You're just beginning! This is a major upheaval in your life and it is going to take a while before you can see how well you have reassembled the pieces.

Personally, I'd say three years at a minimum, and more likely five years is the time to take a good look back and assess the progress you've made. Right now, not only has the dust not settled, it is still being kicked up.

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Posted by: getbusylivin ( )
Date: July 01, 2016 11:23AM

I echo Brother of Jerry's perspective--you've just started; don't beat yourself up if things seem rocky at first.

I'd say the most important thing is to start exercising your "No!" muscle. As you've realized, you don't owe anybody squat. Just say, "No, thanks" or "I don't feel like talking about it" and if they press you, remind them that they're being disrespectful and that they need to BACK OFF. Don't accept literature or dates for meetings or visits or anything else. This gets easier the more you do it. And because you're saving them wasted time you're being respectful of them as well.

Your kids deserve your undivided, focused, clear-headed attention; churches don't.

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Posted by: Babyloncansuckit ( )
Date: July 01, 2016 11:25AM

The transition from caterpillar to butterfly takes a while. Give your guts time to dissolve and reconstitute.

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Posted by: summer ( )
Date: July 01, 2016 11:28AM

>>The point is, I want to move on but I have this weird feeling that I have to read a library worth of books and articles to justify my choice.

Consider that you do not need to justify your religious choices to anyone. My advice would be to take a long vacation from religion altogether. Tell your dad that you have enough information and are comfortable with your decision. Tell your friends that you are not interested in pursuing mainstream Christianity at this point in time. Focus on your young children and on developing interests that are not church-oriented.

IMO you need time to get unstuck and free your mind. Religion will still be there a year or two from now if you want to pursue your studies.

Ask yourself, why do other people "have a dog in the fight?" Why are your personal choices any of their business? Tell them, "Thank you for your interest but I am going to focus on other things at this time. I'll let you know if and when I want to discuss this any further." Then change the subject.

One of the huge mistakes that exmos make is thinking that they need to justify themselves and their choices to others. No, you don't need to do that!

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Posted by: blueorchid ( )
Date: July 01, 2016 11:35AM

The facts are there, the church is false. The need to add more wood to the fire is there because the betrayal was so monumental. A rain forest full of wood won't be enough.

You finally know you "don't know." You are now exploring now. You will always be exploring. You will present information not bear testimony. Certainty is for fools like Mormons. Growth comes from searching. You can read a mountain of books and still not know enough, and, maybe some of the books are wrong.

You have every right to rewind to zero. You have every right to wipe the slate clean and write your own story in any color chalk you choose. And you can erase any part of that and change it. There is no rush. There is only keeping your eyes open this time and not being afraid of anything you see. There is now the gleaning and discarding and rearranging of new information as it becomes available.

You have a right to claim yourself, to trust your self. Those are harder than any of us expected when we finally escaped. It's like going surfing or sailing instead of getting baptized when you come across some water.

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Posted by: madalice ( )
Date: July 01, 2016 11:36AM

For right now, don't worry about being a member of, or believing the teachings of another religion. That's too much to put on your plate for right now.

Get your mind straight on where you stand with mormonism. Reading Richard Packhams site, and gave me more than enough reasons to not be a mormon. How many reasons do you need?

I was a bit like you. I wanted to nail it all down. It comes down to one thing. Was Joseph Smith telling the truth. Was there a first vision.

There is quite a bit of evidence that points to "NO". One lie led to another, to another, to another. There's at least one or more things wrong with every level, or arm of Mormonism. The reason for that is because the foundation is built on lies.

I left the church at age 52.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/01/2016 11:37AM by madalice.

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Posted by: blueorchid ( )
Date: July 01, 2016 11:46AM

And another thing . . .

I left the Mormon Church knowing no "anti" material at all. 1973 and I was at BYU. I did not know one single bit of information that put the Mormon church in even a questionable light, let alone a bad light.

I read one chapter of the MoF and I knew like a lightening bolt passing through me that SWK was poisonous and a fraud. That was all I needed because in that moment I finally chose ME.

You have chosen yourself over a church that expected you to do as they say even when it is against your own best interest, even when it goes against reason, or decency. You chose yourself. That is enough. Revel in that.

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Posted by: ificouldhietokolob ( )
Date: July 01, 2016 11:50AM

What helped me "move on" shortly after I left was simple: I discovered there was SO MUCH REAL LIFE TO LIVE. So I got busy doing that, and just ignored the cult I'd been raised in. It was very satisfying, a great eye-opener, and quite enjoyable.

As the years passed (I left 35 years ago), I *did* do some of the reading and research you mention. Slowly. Over years. At my own pace. And not to justify anything to anyone, just for myself. There's time for that to come later, when you have the free time to do it. You don't have that free time right now. You have kids to take care of and teach, and LIFE TO LIVE.

Accept that you've made the right choice for you, right now, whether or not the church is "true" (it isn't). Then get busy with life. Flesh out the details of the reasons for your choice later on -- they can wait.

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Posted by: scaredhusband ( )
Date: July 01, 2016 11:53AM

Are you trying to justify your choice to yourself or others?

You don't have to give in depth answers to anyone. You don't owe anyone else answers.

I read some of the age of reason by Thomas Paine and it really put things in perspective. I am not giving you another reading assignment, just telling you where I got this quote from.
“Is it more probable that nature should go out of her course or that a man should tell a lie? We have never seen, in our time, nature go out of her course. But we have good reason to believe that millions of lies have been told in the same time. It is therefore at least millions to one that the reporter of a miracle tells a lie." Thomas Paine.

I am assuming you were BIC. This means you have a lifetime of conditioning and indoctrination to work through. It isn't easy. I found out almost a year ago and am still working through the mind screw. It is also pretty hard to work though if you have a spouse still clinging to the faith.

It sounds like you have told your family and they will use every tactic they know to pull you back.

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Posted by: Eric K ( )
Date: July 01, 2016 12:00PM

You commented, "So many people have given me books I "MUST READ" - from my Christian friends trying to help me transition to Christianity, ..." This site,, was established due to folks like your Christian friends. I wanted a site free from religious proselytizing to help ex-Mormons. I believe one should, just like Summer mentioned, take a break from all religion for a year or two. Your children are young and need you now. Religion can wait. You will be surprised, after a couple of years, that religion will appear quite different to you. You may still desire to participate in some religion after this period of 1-2 years, but your mind and emotions will be healthier and more in check as you recover from the religious indoctrination you have experienced. You will make better decisions. Give yourself some time and a break. Keep posting as you have questions.

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Posted by: Amyjo ( )
Date: July 01, 2016 12:45PM

I used the time after leaving the LDS church to explore other religions, with my children. We went to quite a few actually. When we found one we connected with we stayed for a time, some were for several years or longer. The main thing is none of them were Mormon! And we were free to come and go.

There was no pressure by any of them to join, or like Mormons put on you to be baptized and convert.

It was important to me to continue worshiping somewhere with my children after Mormonism. So the Sunday/Sabbath worship has remained a steadfast part of my diet since then.

And I'm still free from Mormonism, and haven't joined another church in the interim. They all felt safer to be at than did Mormonism, truth be told.

I was able to keep my faith in God without losing my belief in a higher power, or a divine purpose to our existence.

That doesn't work for everyone who leaves Mormonism. But it is what has worked for me and still does after being out for many years. (I do have one place of worship I still go to regularly. Only my sabbaths are Saturdays now, not Sundays. Que sera, sera.)

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/01/2016 12:47PM by Amyjo.

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Posted by: presleynfactsrock ( )
Date: July 01, 2016 05:09PM

One of the things that Mormonism does well is lay on the guilt to make members feel that unless they are moving and doing all the time they are worthless. And, because you have been exposed to this, to do differently feels strange and wrong. Keep reminding yourself that it is okay to move at a slower pace, in fact it is very healthy and good for your body.

As other posters have recommended, I agree with taking a break from religion. Enjoy your beautiful children, keep a journal of what they say and relish that if you do this you will have their words forever. Smell the roses, go on nature walk with your children, take them to new places where you and they can discover and learn. Have a fun, relaxing summer.

((((hugs))))) and do keep posting.

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Posted by: onthedownlow ( )
Date: July 01, 2016 05:18PM

Denver Snuffer, HEH! I don't know how anyone coming out of mormonism can follow down that path? Then again, some choose Christianity--like the earth is really 6000 years old.

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Posted by: Greyfort ( )
Date: July 01, 2016 05:18PM

When I left the Church, I felt that I'd taken back my own power. I became the Captain of the my own Life. I developed an aversion to anyone telling me how I should live, or what I should read, etc.

You don't owe anyone an explanation. Church members are like a herd. If one member strays from the herd, they can't resist trying to gather in the wanderer.

Ignore them. If they get pushy, ask them to respect your choices, as an adult, just as you will respect their right to live their life as they see fit.

You don't ever have to give over your power to anyone in your personal life. There's not much we can do about our boss, or other such situations, but church is part of a person's personal life. It should be left up to us as to how we want to live it.

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Posted by: ghostie ( )
Date: July 01, 2016 06:32PM

The Bible gives a good test on how to tell if something is true, i.e., from God.

"By their fruits".

You don't have to read about Book of Mormon DNA problems, the anachronisms, the 4000 changes, etc. You don't have to know all the problems that exist with the Book of Abraham, or LDS history. Those problems are there but you can simplify this process (IMO) by making a list of all the "good" things about Moism...things you admire, and making a list of the "bad" polygamy, marriages to other living men's wives, forcing women to accept and live plural marriage. Things like the historical (and current) LDS treatment of women. The LDS treatment of blacks and homosexuals. Adding perhaps, Mountain Meadows Massacre or anything else you don't like or that is questionable.

Once you have your list, recognize that most Christian religions (including Moism) believe and teach that all good (positives) come from God and all evil (negatives) come from Satan. Evaluate your list with that in mind. Also keep in mind that the LDS church claims to be the One and Only True Church on Earth led by a prophet of God.

Then ask yourself if God would or could ever be party to all things on your list?

My conclusion was an absolute "NO!"---the negatives far outweighed the positives (for me)...especially since most of the negatives were "revealed" (supposedly) by God as set-in-concrete doctrine. (Just one negative should have been enough to convince.)

This exercise helped me in the sorting process. Your results may differ.

Just something to consider along with all the excellent suggestions given in this thread.

"Don't worry. Be happy. Everything's gonna be alright."
(Bob Marley, 1945 - 1981)

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Posted by: satanslittlehelper ( )
Date: July 02, 2016 02:54PM

When I was a mormon, I had all of life's answers. Most of those answers were wrong but I had them. Giving that up allowed me to struggle with the mystery and wonder of this existence that had been more rewarding than I can convey.

I hate to think of all the things I would have missed had I stayed. IOW it was worth it!!!

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Posted by: MyShelfBroke ( )
Date: July 04, 2016 12:49PM

Thank you so much. I feel most of the things you mentioned so I will need to just take them one at a time. That was a really helpful perspective thank you :).

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Posted by: MyShelfBroke ( )
Date: July 04, 2016 12:56PM

Wow I don't know how to work this Forum very well.

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Posted by: MyShelfBroke ( )
Date: July 04, 2016 12:58PM

Wow I don't know how to work this Forum very well. :) The above comment was suppose to be a reply to the top comment. So I guess I will just reply to everyone at once and say THANK YOU! It is hard to be patient with myself in letting everything settle and not having all the answers. It is a whole new way of life but I prefer it to a lie for sure :). Thank you everyone for your lovely perspective I have been helped so much by this forum. I was feeling so depressed and confused but it helps to know I am not alone and it relieves the pressure to talk to all of you. Thank you so much for your posts. :)

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Posted by: summer ( )
Date: July 06, 2016 03:33AM

Post anytime. :) We're here 24/7. And don't worry about using the forum correctly. I still make mistakes at that, I think we all do.

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Posted by: theviking ( )
Date: July 06, 2016 03:28AM

Here's my two cents.

When I went inactive, I was in my mid 20's living in a big city where I didn't really know anyone so church members couldn't really bother me. Instead of looking for another church I decided to just do what I want to do and not worry about religion for a while.

Over time I did decide to start reading up on the church - I mainly looked at wikipedia to answer some of my questions. Over time I read all the dirt but I didn't rush into that at all. I did go to a few other churches here and there but I realized that organized religion wasn't for me.

I'd take a step back from everything and chill out for a while. You don't have to explain anything to anyone. Just live your life. You don't need to read a bunch of religion or mormon history to live your life.

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