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Posted by: anontoday ( )
Date: January 11, 2017 10:50PM

My therapist has strongly recommended that we move. DH, I and our children left TSCC 5 years ago. We were shunned by church members & our no longer speaking with our extended families due to their abusive behavior toward us after leaving. While going through this traumatic experience we have seen three different therapist and have learned that certain members of our families are most likely extremely personality disordered. This is the second therapist to suggest moving and she has strongly recommended it several times. Were okay with moving, its just our children are settled in their schools and we would need to sell our house and find a different job. We have no idea where to move to. We currently live in the PNW. I do think that a move would be good for our family. I currently fear running into our family members because of past mistreatment from them. Any advice, personal experiences, or suggestions of great cities for families is appreciated.

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Posted by: just pack ( )
Date: January 11, 2017 11:00PM

I moved away from an abusive family on my own. The relief has been overwhelming.

If you experience the same relief of pressure that I did, the positive effects on your children could be enormous. Changing schools might be a temporary upset, but having upset parents everyday could effect them long-term. It would also model rejecting abuse, taking positive action to improve your circumstances, problem-solving and ability to adapt to new situations and environment.

Good luck to you. :)

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Posted by: annieg ( )
Date: January 11, 2017 11:56PM

If you can find decent jobs elsewhere insayngomfor it. Look formsomeplace out of the Moridor and out of the Bible Belt. Happy parents produces happier kids.

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Posted by: ericka ( )
Date: January 11, 2017 11:59PM

I grew up in the pnw. My family sounds very much like yours. They caused a lot of misery in my life.

When I was 30 I moved about 150 miles away from them. It was pure bliss. No more unexpected drop in visits. This was back when it cost money to call long distance. The phone calls stopped. Finally! Peace.

Then, my oldest sibling moved a few minutes away from me. Suddenly it was all back into full on family drop ins, the judging,comments, snooping, criticisms, etc. I didn't know what to do.

Then my hubby was transferred across the country. I didn't want to live where we were transferred, but I saw it as a great way to get away from the crazy. I was right. We lived in peace in the midwest without any of the insanity. Then caller ID arrived like manna from heaven. I love caller ID.

15 years later I moved back to the PNW. I love it here. It's home to me, and I love the look, feel, and nature of it here. I no longer have to deal with the family crazy. While I was across the country, everyone in my family moved away to different areas.

Then I left the mormon church. Total silence from all mormon family. Well, except my mother. She did call to let me know that I was cut out of their will. Whatever. That was never part of my retirement plan. They don't have anything I've ever wanted. I'm pretty sure one of my TBM siblings has drained their finances dry. I'm no longer in the loop, and i'm so glad of it.

In the end, i'd tell you to move. Even if its over to the next largest city. Find a job first. The housing market is pretty good right now, you shouldn't have too much trouble selling. Re-buying may be more of a problem, not sure.

Look into your options. Don't be afraid to set yourselves free. My kids thank me all the time for the moves we made. They're in their 30's now. They didn't grow up with my crazy family around. They realize that was a good thing. We all live in the PNW now. My grand babies are here close by. It's all worked out for the best. Don't be afraid to have an adventure.

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Posted by: Pariah ( )
Date: January 12, 2017 04:21AM

Another alternative is to change therapists. Your therapist should have the knowledge to help you and your husband and your children become more assertive, cope with problems, become non-victims. I feel it is a cop-out to just move. How do you know that your family members won't follow you, wherever you go?

Your career is more important than your relatives. It's how you are supporting your family. More waking hours are spent at your job, than in church or anywhere else. The family breadwinner is Number One--not wacko Mormon relatives, not incompetent therapists.

If your children are happy in their schools, I would advise you to keep them where they are.

The PNW is lovely! It is not predominantly Mormon.

With Mormons it's all or nothing. You can compromise, and move across town, and still keep your job. Peace of mind might be worth a longer commute.

In my personal experience, I was able to get the Mormons out of my life, and still keep my beautiful home in the mountains. My children grew up with great non- and ex-Mormon friends, and they have homes in our same neighborhood. Over the years, our previously Mormon neighborhood has become mostly non-Mormon. The old fanatic core group (the ones who abused my children) have moved to St. George, or into fancy condos, or followed their children to Texas, or wherever. New families have moved in, with younger parents, who are not Mormons. Be patient. The Mormon cult is rapidly shrinking in the nice residential neighborhoods--even in SLC, where I live.

I went to a psychiatrist, an MD, who was President of the Psychiatric Association, and who was recommended by my psychologist friend. He's a never-Mormon, but knew about the pathology of Mormonism. I needed his help in handling my abusive older brother, in dealing with my money-scamming nephew, and my sociopathic TBM husband who abandoned me and our children--and the inlaws who disowned us. My former ward friends would not even make eye contact in the stores, and acted as if I were not even there. That can mess with your mind! They gossiped about me, because I was divorced, and insulted me in front of my children, in my own home.

Still, I loved hiking and cross-country skiing and mountain biking out my front door. I liked my mini-woods, my garden, the city and mountain views, my not-Mormon neighbors. I had a really great career, that I could not leave. There were so many positives in my life here, that I was not going to let a cult of crazies ruin it for us!

I moved away from the neighborhood stores, the old Mormon hang-outs, the movie theater, and everywhere else that the Mormons frequented--just like moving away for real. I didn't want to see any of them and give them a chance to shun me. My children went away to college, and happily re-connected with their same non-Mormon friends, when they returned. They were free.

Most of the Mormons in our ward and stake (I had a stake and a regional calling) weren't interested in the same things I was interested in. For one thing, they didn't work, and the downtown professional work scene was foreign to them. They also weren't into nature and tree-hugging and animal rescue, and all that. They read only church books, so I quit that book club and joined a classics book club, and later a best seller's book club. Yoga was foreign to most Mormons. No Mormon women my age ever skied, and I went with my two old high school friends, who were baptized with me--all three of us resigned! We go to the operas, too, as our taste in music is different. It's good advice to seek out interests that are as opposite to Mormonism as possible.

We know which restaurants to avoid, too. There are so many to choose from, that it's no loss to us.

You can leave, in your heart, and it is like you are really gone. I barely listen to what Mormons have to say, anymore. I smile and am polite, because I learned to be that way in California, where I grew up.

You must always remember that you are in the MAJORITY. The majority of normal people think that Mormons are weird, and they would never want to join their cult.

Back away, emotionally. Don't disclose your financial information. Don't debate religion--it does no good. Don't do business with Mormons.

Be patient, and you will find a whole new group of friends. when I quit Relief Society, I volunteered in my children's schools, and made the best friends of my life there. Make play dates for your children. In fact, do things with your children, instead of wasting time trying to make friends with Mormons who don't like you. Concentrate on the relationships that count.

Stay put, but make changes. Set boundaries. Learn to be assertive (there are books on the subject), and enjoy your new life, right where you are. Bloom where you're planted! You might bring some good people into the light with you!

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Posted by: Amyjo ( )
Date: January 12, 2017 05:22AM

I'm seconding Pariah's response. You shouldn't have to move to remove yourself from negative family pressures. Moving when you don't know where to go, and don't have jobs lined up or a place to live can be more disruptive to both you and your children, than staying in place.

Also, changing therapists to get a second, maybe even a third opinion. My therapist changes his tune all the time. Sometimes I wonder whether I'm counseling him or he is me lol. You go to a therapist for feedback and hopefully sound advice. Not all are created equal. Plus, you'll be needing a new therapist where you'll be going, in addition to the other stuff.

As for children, there's lots to be said for normalcy and stability. I was in a different high school each year I was in high school - and hated it. No sooner was I getting settled in then circumstances whisked me away to another locale, another state, another high school. Starting over is horrible at that age, no matter what the parents are going through. Some kids thrive on being raised in "Army brat" style homes. It isn't for everyone.

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Posted by: cl2 ( )
Date: January 12, 2017 07:54AM

for my kids, so their lives wouldn't be more disrupted than they already were. There were many years that I hated this house. It had all the memories of my life with my "ex" and the pain he caused when he left.

I'm still here 20 years after he left me (January 3rd). And guess what, he lives downstairs. We are best friends. I have my boyfriend and he has his boyfriend. I changed the house to the point that people who come in here who knew us back when don't recognize it. My kids wanted it gone for a long time, too, and now everyone is glad I hung onto it.

The neighbors have changed. My family hasn't been a problem in terms of the lds church, but families can be problems without the church and they have been. But they don't drop in or dare to shall we say.

I'm glad I stuck it out. I did change therapists a few times and finally found one that really worked for me. I only see him once or twice a year now. He would ask me what I wanted and then helped me achieve it.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/12/2017 07:55AM by cl2.

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Posted by: dogzilla ( )
Date: January 12, 2017 10:10AM

I recommend doing your homework and put the moving plan on a long, slow burn. I am methodical about this sort of thing, so I'll just list what I've done the 2-3 times I've moved across the country.

1. First, I sat myself down and decided what part of the country I wanted to live in. Southeast? Northeast? Southwest? On a coast? Near mountains? This might be a fun family exercise: "If you could live anywhere in the US, where would you pick and why?"

2. Once you've narrowed it down to maybe 3 choices that everyone could live with, then the breadwinners start looking for jobs in those areas. While you are researching job opportunities, take the time to look at Zillow and look at rent/home values in the three areas you've identified. Get a sense of how much you need to make in order to keep your current standard of living.

3. Take a couple of 4-day weekends to go on a recon mission to the areas you've identified. Book a hotel and plan some activities. Move around in the area. Check out the grocery stores. Look at for sale homes. Try to get a feel for what it might be like to live there. I recommend AirBNB for this because you'll be in neighborhoods and will have better access to locals. Talk to people, ask them what they like and dislike about that particular area. Set up a school visit or just go look at the schools where your kids would be. I would think that involving them in the process and giving them some control over some of the choices might help with the feeling of "my parents just uprooted me and I hate this place" like in The Karate Kid. Better if you can find a Mr. Miyagi. ;>)

You may decide to just move across town or you may decide to stay within the same state or you may decide to go to the opposite corner of the country and put down roots in a totally different place. If you have friends or relatives in far-off places, go visit them and ask lots of questions and see if that area might be feasible/appealing to your family. I would totally avoid anything remotely like a mormon stronghold, so Idaho and Utah are right out and large chunks of Arizona as well. That still leaves plenty of places to explore and investigate.

Take the pressure off yourself to move this month or in three months or asap. Do your homework and think it through. Then look for a job. When someone gets a good offer, take it and then worry about selling the house. Put a plan on paper. Set goals and milestones and a timeline if you roll that way. Break the process into chunks so it's not such an overwhelming prospect.

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Posted by: readwrite ( )
Date: January 12, 2017 01:06PM

Yes, move to another PNW locality.

Wait! How can we give suggestions on where to move if we don't know where you live now? I can suggest many places but one may be where you live now. We need more info to help, as you ask.

I also say stay and tell people where to go.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/12/2017 01:23PM by readwrite.

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Posted by: canary21 ( )
Date: January 12, 2017 02:28PM

I would recommend avoid Mormon-populated areas or areas in close proximity to Mormon-saturated areas, so leave Utah and avoid AZ, WY, and ID. I would also recommend against CO and NV.

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Posted by: SusieQ#1 ( )
Date: January 12, 2017 02:59PM

First of all, I don't think moving is the total answer. Sure it might be helpful, but it also would cause a lot of problems for your children that need the consistency of school, friends, etc.

The therapist can make a suggestion, but you are in charge of your life and your family.

You may want to move at a later date.
In the meantime, you can learn how to be assertive and set boundaries. And, disconnect, emotionally! That, the therapist can help you do!

Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 01/12/2017 03:45PM by SusieQ#1.

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Posted by: Heretic 2 ( )
Date: January 12, 2017 04:10PM

"You can't run from trouble because there ain't no place far enough."

If you wanted to move, then moving would be a good thing. But it sounds like you are not at all enthusiastic or excited about moving. You would lose things as well as gaining things. So I don't think you should move. At some later point, you might decide that moving sounds good, but unless deep in your heart you want to move, you should not do it.

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