Little background here..

Convert at 20. Quickly approaching my 30th Birthday. Have been in and out of activity since. Currently a the Young Women's Second Con. Unmarried. Not endowed.

I was the victim of sexual Assault a month ago. I knew him.

He's currently in jail. Has been since the day after it happened..

I was at the bar that night, where I saw my attacker...He was depressed as hell...So I invited him to my apartment to talk after we left the bar.

Do I tell church? I may find support through them, which...I need every ounce of support I can get right now. My fears..They would use my story as a scare tactic somehow..

"This is what happens when you go to a bar..This is what happens when you consume alcohol..You should not have invited him over. This is what happens when a single woman goes to the bar alone."

As many of you are all to aware..These fears are not completely unfounded.

Help?

The Church's task will be to determine your degree of responsibility for the attack and tell you to repent of that.

If the person who assaulted you is a member of the Church, then they would be more likely to protect him.

If you're looking for support, you're not likely to get it.

I'm glad he's in jail. Just take whatever steps you need to be okay. Definitely don't rely on the Church to be a support system. You could be lucky and have a great, supportive Bishop. But that's not a scenario that I've ever seen. It never seems to turn out well for the person who is the victim of the attack.

I'm a guy, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

I wouldn't tell the church, and if anyone at church found out and asked me about it I'd tell them I don't want to talk about it.

There are other resources available. I suspect that victims' groups--those who have been through similar experiences--would be far better at helping.

At best, there are individuals in the church who have good intentions, but they're amateurs; the church isn't set up to help victims of sexual assault. And as you note there's a strong likelihood they'll twist the trauma into an opportunity to "save your soul."

I don't see things ending well if the church gets involved.

getbusylivin Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I'm a guy, so take what I say with a grain of
> salt.
>
> I wouldn't tell the church, and if anyone at
> church found out and asked me about it I'd tell
> them I don't want to talk about it.
>
> There are other resources available. I suspect
> that victims' groups--those who have been through
> similar experiences--would be far better at
> helping.
>
> At best, there are individuals in the church who
> have good intentions, but they're amateurs; the
> church isn't set up to help victims of sexual
> assault. And as you note there's a strong
> likelihood they'll twist the trauma into an
> opportunity to "save your soul."
>
> I don't see things ending well if the church gets
> involved.

+ 15

Never send a Jr High girl to do a woman’s job.

You can’t trust a bishop’s confidentiality either. Between nosey wives and no concept of boundaries, gossip is likely.

I wouldn't tell the church either, I have found that they aren't really the support you think they are. Like an awkward parent you confide in but backfires.

Oh, heck no. Your fears are well founded. We've heard too many stories on this board of how the woman was blamed for "her part of the attack," as Greyfort stated. You would end up feeling re-victimized.

I would arrange for private counseling from a non-Mormon counselor. Or ask Victim Services at the local police department for help, or look for a local support group. *Do NOT go to the bishop.* There is no guarantee of privacy in the Mormon church, and it is likely that news of your assault would fly around the ward.

A non-mormon counselor is an awesome idea probably a female counselor as well. It has done wonders for me for my issues, seeing an lds counselor at first was a horrible idea they have a one track mind and don't think outside the cult so you'll actually get worse.

Tell the church? Oh hell no.

Richard G. Scott, "Healing the Tragic Scars of Abuse," April 1992 General Conference:

"The victim must do all in his or her power to stop the abuse. Most often, the victim is innocent because of being disabled by fear or the power or authority of the offender. At some point in time, however, the Lord may prompt a victim to recognize a degree of responsibility for abuse. Your priesthood leader will help assess your responsibility so that, if needed, it can be addressed. Otherwise the seeds of guilt will remain and sprout into bitter fruit."

The bishop, more likely than not, "will help assess your responsibility" for the assault. Based on your description of the circumstances, you may well expect some church discipline, as your OP suggests.

Also, telling the bishop potentially exposes you to the ward gossip club. Many bishops don't keep confidences. I can't see a way where bringing the church into this ends well for you.

Survivor Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------


> "This is what happens when you go to a bar..This
> is what happens when you consume alcohol..You
> should not have invited him over. This is what
> happens when a single woman goes to the bar
> alone."
>
> As many of you are all to aware..These fears are
> not completely unfounded.
>
> Help?


You know what will happen, so don't do it. Besides, if you do, eventually everyone will find out and some people will approach you offering support, but terrifying you in the realisation that your personal information is now public property and no-one really believes your 'explanation' anyway - they will all think you brought it on yourself. It was all your own fault and worse - you tempted a man to sin, shameful temptress that you are.

Save yourself your remaining dignity - tell no church member, ever. One day it will become gossip.

The "CHURCH" is the absolute last entity thaT I would tell
A N Y T H I N G !!!

My sister was raped at work by her boss. My parents take her to the Bishop for counseling. The Bishop required my sister to do all the repentance shit. He treated her as if she was guilty of wanting to sin.

This is SOP for the church. Do not tell them anything. You will not get any support. They will treat you like shit.

I'm so sorry this happened to you! Please realize that this is not your fault, no matter what the Mormons may say.

Would you tell your dentist and expect good advice and support? No, because they aren't trained. Bishops are just dentist, lawyers and other random people. Please seek treatment. You don't have to do this alone. Go to a counselor. Seek out a support group. Tell a close friend. Or even go to another church with a trained clergy who went to many years of college to help people with this. There are so many people who have been where you are that are willing to help. There are also lots of people trained to help. Always remember what others do to you don't define you, don't diminish your worthy and isn't your fault. I can leave me wallet in plain site in an unlocked car, but that still doesn't give anyone the right to steal it. You are allowed to drink, date and be alone with men. That doesn't give them the right to take you. It's NOT your fault.

All that you divulge to a Bishop or Stake leader becomes a permanent record in a file with your name on it. Only if you marry a General Authority will it ever be deleted. If you think private confession is just that, it's not. Short notes are written and sent to Salt Lake City and then placed into your permanent Membership file.

I'll let you imagine the why.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lW8pJ7E9taQ

With the church, it's not about him - it's about YOU

WWJD?

No. Do NOT tell anyone at church.

Go directly to rainn.org and do some reading and find some support where you live.

The church will not support you. The church hates women and will blame you. You may be punished. Nobody at the church is a qualified sexual assault counselor (unless there happens to be a licensed psychologist in your ward). Nobody there is qualified to help you and they will only make it worse.

EDIT to add: The National Sexual Assault Hotline is 1-800-656-4673 (HOPE).

You are not alone. It wasn't your fault.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/13/2017 10:28AM by dogzilla.

What everybody else said.

From that sickening quote - "Your priesthood pleader will help assess your RESPONSIBILITY so that, if needed, it can be addressed. Otherwise the seeds of GUILT will remain and sprout into bitter fruit." - it is clear the victim is the 'guilty' one.

Mormonism is the (eternal) problem and so it isn't good to include them in anything.

The answer is no.

I would also like to add that there are no commandments whatsoever about NOT raping or sexually assaulting someone throughout the bible, BoM and any other canonical scriptures the mormons adopt. There are several places in the bible where rape is either justified or outright encouraged.

I would never look to an organization that sees nothing wrong with this for support. I wouldn't advise anyone else to either. Why on earth would you think they can help you when they clearly advocate rape based on their scriptures?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/13/2017 04:04PM by dogzilla.

I forgot to not that he is in jail, has been since it happened. Well, the day after.

I have receiving help, outside the church church. Have been since a few weeks after it.

I have an amazing support system. The amount of love and understanding I have gotten it amazing.

I'm so glad that you are receiving help and support, Survivor. You are a very strong woman!

Keep posting as you wish. We are here for you.

From one survivor to another, DO NOT tell the church!

You may as well change youe FB pic to [pick a bad image].

The bishop is under no obligation of privacy, and as I understand it, can even be compelled to testify for the defense. You should be very careful of telling anyone at church. Untrained people hear only what they want to hear, put it through their own internal filters, then swear you said it. They don't even have to be aware that they are misrepresenting what you may have actually said to harm you - and your case against the perp.

Zip it until after the case is settled, with everyone except protected conversations. THEN you can decide if you want a permanent church record of the crime following you around - forever.

Just figured I'd jump on to update this, since I've been lurking.

After one very challenging trial (on a personal level, I've never been more anxious in my life,) My rapist was found guilty and is now serving a 20 years in prison. Writing my victim impact statement proved to be healing but very difficult.

Recovery is hard.

The missionaries keep coming by, telling them no has never been easier.

You really are a survivor! I'm so happy you got the help you needed and were able to go through the trial and turn it into an empowering experience. That's amazing.

That is an awesome story. You did what was right.

You may well have saved others.

Wow.
Good job.
Rapists should be shot.

My $0.02:

If your attacker is a member of your ward/stake, or even another, and is mormon -- tell the church. Don't expect or ask for any support from them, in the unlikely event you would get any at all, it would be conditional and full of blame for you. But do let them know about the monster in their midst.

If your attacker is not LDS -- it's none of the church's damn business.

I'm reading through the lines that as a convert and holding a "calling" in the LDS Church, you are not a TBM - True Believing Mormon.

Why are the missionaries coming by if you are a member? Not sure I know what that is about. Males can't even come in if you are alone.

You indicated you have an amazing support system. If that is helping, stick with it.

You are very brave. I applaud you for reporting the crime and following it through to trial. Good to know he is in jail and not on the streets where he can hurt anyone else.

The LDS Church cannot help you. I think you know that.

Do what you need to do for your recovery and healing.

I'm so sorry you went through this. I had a similar situation.

Always remember it is never your fault, even when alcohol is around at the time. It took a long time to wrap my head around that. I am so glad you are getting help from outside and people are supportive!

I don't know I still go to counseling and still think I am not even safe in my own home.

I hear you, like I said.. recovery is hard. PTSD and depression are no joke, especially at the same time. I've basically isolated myself for the past few weeks, Working alot.

I'm sorry you are struggling, and that it happened to You too. You're not alone.

Sexual assault is a crime. I would go to the police, not the church.

Look at it this way. If someone in the church were to steal your car, would you go to the bishop?
If they came up and threw a hay-maker into your face and broke your nose, would you run to the bishop?

Those are lesser crimes in my opinion, yet people are brainwashed into believing that sexual crimes are somehow different. That they need to be handled by someone sitting behind a desk in a church.