I asked this on FB, but I didn't get a lot of replies.

I wonder if God smokes cigarettes when nobody is watching. Do you think he might slip out back for a smoke every now and then? If someone caught him, who would they tattle to?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/23/2010 09:56PM by Troy.

If Jesus is all powerful, can he microwave a burrito so hot that he himself cannot eat it?

All of this will be revealed in time, Levi. When we get to heaven, knowledge will be computerized and we'll be able to just download it directly into our heads. This has been promised to all worthy and righteous saints.

Oh, and Jesus isn't all-powerful yet. See below.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 10/24/2010 02:32AM by Troy.

God is Michael. That's not really his name, that's the name of his office, whatever that means. If someone caught him smoking, they'd probably go running to Jehovah, who is Michael's dad. If Jehovah gets upset about it, and he has quite the temper, he'll probably babble about it at the next meeting with Elohim, who isn't just one god, but actually a council of gods who are all ancestors of Jehovah and Micheal.

To let you in on a little secret, Michael actually picked up the bad habit in the Garden of Eden, when he was known by his earthly name, Adam. It was Eve and the serpent, as usual. Those two are nothing but trouble. It's a good thing Jesus wasn't around for any of this. He was still in the pre-existence. You see, he and Satan were always fighting. Michael, their father, couldn't ever keep the two of them apart. But when Satan said he was going to force everyone to be righteous, Michael was at his limit. He can be a patient father, but when he's pissed, you don't want to be around. Michael said to him "Satan, you're not going to force anyone to be righteous! That's Joseph Smith's job! Now go to hell!" Satan knew had to do what Michael said and he went to hell as he was told, but he knew it wasn't over yet. This had all taken place prior to Michael's fulfilment of his godly duty, to start the human race as Adam. Michael was also a polygamist. He took one of his wives down to earth with him and while she was in her human state, he called her Eve. But that's not her real name up in heaven. That name is too sacred for our human ears to hear.

Michael had a good thing going. When he was a spirit child, his father, Jehovah, was the one people were calling "Heavenly Father." That was on a previous earth, however. That earth has since been baptized by fire and celestialized. But Michael, being Heavenly Father's "only begotten son" in that world, was the Savior. They didn't call him Jesus, however. We don't know what his name was then. All of that will be revealed in time. But focusing too much on that previous world is a bit risky, since we all know that Michael, being our own Heavenly Father, has commanded that we should have no other gods before him. He gets really jealous and he doesn't even want people worshipping his own father, whom he worships. But there are other gods, make no mistake about it. There is an infinite number of gods. All of them started out in the business by being saviors of their own earth-like worlds. What they're all up to now is not for us to know. Remember, Michael gets very jealous.

Anyway, after Michael got crucified, his next job was to finish his duties as a resurrected and now an exalted being. Now, he was a real god. He just had to start up his own planet first. When he did that, Jehovah took over up in heaven because Michael had to become mortal again for about 930 years. He had to do this in order to start the human race. His godly sperm were too much for the task, so he and Eve became human again and then had sex. That really pissed off Jehovah! Because in order to become human they had to eat the forbidden fruit and Jehovah had already told them not to do that. But Satan was mad about being told to go to hell, so he got even with Micheal. And if things weren't out of hand before, they surely were now. Eve wasn't particularly bright, and Satan knew he could outsmart her and after he did that, his father, Michael, who was completely p-whipped, would eat the fruit too. You have to hand it to Satan, he can strategize with the best of them. He's a guy you don't ever want to play chess against. He can plan 30 moves in advance. And Michael, for all of the talk of his godly perfection, he really didn't show off his best colors. That was really embarrassing to him because now, he'd fathered a whole world full of people who can't get enough sex!

So, back to the story. After his 930 years on earth, Adam became Michael again only this time, he was known as Heavenly Father. With all of this work done, Jehovah got promoted too, so he's Heavenly Father's father now. Jesus got a chance to gloat for a while in the pre-existence but he knew his time was up and he'd have to go through the whole divine right-of-passage too. That meant he had to go to earth, but remember, Jesus hadn't been mortal yet like his father, Michael had. This was Jesus's first chance in a human body but he was no ordinary spirit child. He was Michael's favorite. It's OK for gods to have favorite children. The lesser spirits will always understand because they're completely satisfied with scraps from the divine banquet table anyway. The lesser spirits are all of the rest of us. We blew our chances, or we never had any chances to begin with. We don't know for sure, and all will be revealed in time. But God knows (literally) that none of us will ever get a chance to get in on this Grand Order of Saviors thing that Michaal and Jesus got in on.

Michael now had a problem on his hands, but he knew he could count on Joseph Smith, who is a lesser spirit like the rest of us, but he's Michael's favorite lesser spirit. He's almost as important as Jesus, but since he's not part of the Grand Order of Saviors, he's not going to get a real world after this one is baptized by fire and celestialized. But Michael is a pretty good strategizer in his own right. He knew that Joseph Smith would have that same p-whippedness that he himself possessed. Remember, Eve? Michael knew that if he gave Joseph Smith a few young women to keep around, he could get him to do anything. But this was all just going to unfold later. For the time being, Jesus was doing his number. Michael didn't have the same problem he'd had earlier with his sperm being too divine. In order for Jesus to be born, Michael just sent one of his other wives, not Eve this time, down to Earth to give birth to Jesus. Her name was Mary. She had a boyfriend named Joseph, but he knew his place. It was a hands-off affair. She was Michael's wife and we all know how jealous Michael is.

Before Jesus could go back to heaven, however, he had a rather nasty job to do. He had to be the savior, which meant getting crucified at a young age. He'd always known that this was his destiny. But Michael knew how to handle the situation, as always. He gave Jesus his own harem. Jesus had a couple of wives named Mary and Martha, and Mary Magdelene too. But this had to be kept quiet because Michael was already embarrassed about his earth being overrun by extremely horny human beings. In fact it was so embarrassing that after Jesus was crucified, Michael said that men had to be celibate. But he didn't really feel bad about that because the ones who had to go through this were just lesser spirits anyway. We call them Catholics. Michael has them all tricked into thinking that they're his favorites, but Michael was saving his choicest lesser spirits for the Latter-days. And out of these best of the worst, Joseph Smith was the best of all. And in the end, Michael was trapped in a logical contradiction. Now it was Joseph Smith's turn to take advantage of things. So he told all of his buddies that Michael wanted them to be polygamists. After this, he was the most popular prophet in town, until they threw him out of that town anyway.

So in the end, that's what happens if God get's caught smoking. He's always had something to hide and it was always something to do with his addictions. That's why he won't even let Mormons drink coffee. He only lets his absolute favorites practice polygamy these days. And in a few short years, the rest of us will all be dead anyway. Those of us who are male, that is. When this earth gets baptized by fire, what that literally means is that wars will kill off most people. But out of those left, most will be women, since we all know that no woman ever goes to war. And in that day, there will be vindication at last. The Mormon fundamentalists will marry up all these extra women and the world will be celestialized. Then Jesus will go start his own world as "Adam" on a bright new planet.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 10/24/2010 02:19AM by Troy.

TROY - This is obviously roughed out for a road show. This says it so well and so cleverly. Kudos and thanks for a good belly laugh out loud.

I came up with the smoking question a couple of days ago, then I just thought about all of the hilarious implications. When I started this thread, I only had a vague idea about what I was going to type, but it just came out all at once and it had me laughing so hard I just had to share it here. I'm amazed that I was once actually expected to believe all of this, but this is Mormon fundamentalist theology 101, in my own words of course!