Hello everyone! My husband and I have been lurking and reading off and on for a while now. We didn't know anything about Mormons when we first moved here, and boy has it been an eye opening experience!

My daughter has been dating a Mormon boy for a while now. He is graduating from high school this spring, but she is not. I wasn't that concerned when I thought he was going on a mission, but now I am told that his application for a mission was denied because he has a lot of resentment toward his parents.

His parents are described as "very conservative" so I rarely interact with them. He spends much more time at our house than his own, I think. I'm not as crazy strict as his family, but my house rules are thorough and comprehensive. I suspect he skips seminary which is at 7am.

His parents want him to attend BYU, but he is planning to attend the local community college. My impression is that he would like to walk away from from Mormonism. My own private speculations are that since he is adopted, he is afraid of being cast off without any family at all.

Questions:

1. Regarding the denied mission application, does it sound normal to you that anger or hostility to his parents would lead to this? What seems weird to me is that this kid is even tempered and sweet. I would be much more likely to describe my daughter as hostile to her parents! Haha! Is this Mormon-speak for having impure thoughts, or something he made up to tell my daughter? (I'm 95% sure they aren't having sex at this point.) I don't really follow these things, but I can guess that his dad is pretty high up in the hierarchy.

2. The parents have about six or seven natural kids and a couple of kids adopted from foreign countries. What the heck motivates these parents to have that many kids, and then adopt??

3. If this kid does decide to leave the Mormon church, in your opinion how likely is his adopted family to cast him off?

4. Assuming they don't break up, how worried do I need to be for my daughter? She is not at an age where she listens to me, and she also has several LDS girlfriends.

My sister dated a mormon boy since high school. She converted last year at the university and I as the brother and our parents were not allowed to attend the "temple" wedding.

Anything involved with the mormon church is evil.

Talk to your daughter about sex. Prepare her for the world.

I have never heard of anyone being denied a mission call because of resentment toward parents. It is not even a question on the application. It could be that his bishop refused to recommend him, but in that case the application would never have been sent. It is the bishop that sends in the application. It sounds like he doesn't want to go on a mission, but the parents want him to go.

2. I don't know why some families adopt even when they already have so many. They may want to help the less fortunate.

3. This depends entirely on the parents. I have known many families with adopted children who did not cast them off for leaving the church.

4. If they don't break up, I would worry about your daughter if he still believes in the church. He would try to get her to join. Her girlfriends also might try to get her to join, but they might not. They might love her as a friend. Everything is relative, who knows what their motive is?

1. From reports on this board, I haven't heard of it before. Usually a bishop tries very hard to get eligible young men in his ward on missions. Typical reasons for denial include health issues or chastity issues (i.e. premarital sex.) The bishop can deny or delay a mission call or it can come down from SLC.

2. Mormonism has a bias toward larger families for religious reasons. Parents believe that they are providing vessels (bodies) for waiting spirits. It also wins them respect from other Mormons.

3. Hard to say. Some kids will be cast off entirely, some will be subject to a lot of hostility, and some will be more or less fine.

4. IMO the easiest solution would be to send her away to college, hopefully a school with a small Mormon population. Few relationships survive the transition to college as long as they are not at the same school and are at some distance from one another.

1. I don't think they turn anyone away! Sometimes you hear of missions postponed for sexual "misconduct" (masturbating or actually engaging in sex).

2. Creating more future tithe payers is looked upon favorably.

3. Some Mormons will shun even their own flesh-and-blood family members.

4. If he's been brought up Mormon, there's a significant chance he may revert to it at significant junctures: marriage, birth of children, death of a family member, serious illness, etc. There will also be hurculean pressure exerted by TBM family members for him to rejoin the fold, and/or for your daughter to do the same, and for any children born of a marriage. If those efforts fail, they will likely be shunned.

Unless this guy is absolutely, 100% done with Mormonism, she'd probably be better off without him.

I wonder if your daughter might be willing to do some lurking here herself?

I don't know if I'd have paid attention to anti-Mormon literature or warnings, but I might have paid attention to the things written by ex-mos, especially the things about the temple, how one makes promises to give all time and resources to the church, how one is expected to say yes to any callings---they are not offers of opportunity to serve or not to serve---and the invasiveness of the interviews with the bishop in order to have a temple recommend, etc.

Those things are unbelievable because they are so outside the norm for someone who wasn't brought up in Mormonism, and they may not be talked about by someone who was, because for them it is the norm.

4. What to expect from Mormon inlaws: If your daughter doesn't join, she will always be "less than". They will pity your grandchildren.

If she does join, your grandkids will be subject to Mormon brainwashing that will stunt their emotional growth. Speaking of which, it might not matter much to her now that her beau's emotional growth is limited by his religion (they are still shrubs), but it will matter later.

In my opinion:

There can be incredible pressure in a rabidly TBM household for a young man to go on a mission. If the young man doesn't want to go, and the high ranking priesthood Father wants him to go, then a conflict will most certainly rise. I'm quite sure that the bishop wants to young man to go, as well as the parents. I don't know why a mission call would be denied other than moral reasons or health issues. It could also be that the young man is adamant about not going enough to convince the bishop of that.

If this young man doesn't serve a mission, then yes he will most likely be shunned (outcast) by the very people who should love him. Will he make a good mate for your daughter? I would guess that he might but only if both he and her are on the same page as far a religion beliefs are concerned.

Is it possible the young man told the bish' that he thinks mo'ism is BS? I realize that a lot of bishops would tell the kid to on a mission anyway and "gain a testimony through the bearing of it" (in other words, the kid will be worn down & church-broke *or* learn to lie like a pro *or* not be able to finish the mission because he just can't take it anymore).

As was said before, a lot of ex-mo leaning members go back to being good little morgbots when they get married or buckle under social/family/financial support pressure/need, but this guy sounds like he may really be done with it.

Also, as is well known, most wards are hotbeds of gossip, so if the bishop is like so many, he'll tell his wife and others, and it will be spread around "why" the mission was nixed.

1. While what you wrote seems implausible, I do think that bishops delay recommending prospective missionaries if they are struggling with anything that makes their mission success problematic. If he can't follow his parents rules, he's unlikely to be more successful with the mission rules. Did he actually graduate (that is required to be recommended)? Has he really decided for himself to go? Only those who can say yes should be going. There is no stigma for not going at age 18 (and it is entirely possible that he is sexually active with your daughter and whether he has told the bishop or not, that is what is keeping him. Frankly, it would be pretty normal with any adoptee who feels a safe harbor and love for another and is afraid to let them go.)

2. There are lots of children who need temporary or permanent homes. Members who foster and adopt generally see it as an extension of living a Christlike life.

3. While Mormon families have some better success at keeping their kids close to their religious faith than others (see Pew research), lots of mormon youth are not actively involved in the church and/or doing lots of things inconsistent with their faith. Others should not construe the physical distance from the church as lack of belief. Mormon families believe their children who are baptized will be with them throughout the eternities if all live like they should and submit their will to Gods to the best of their personal effort. So they worry greatly about children who stray or sometimes even if they practice the Mormon faith differently that the way their parents do. It is more likely the family will be in an extended state of drawing him closer (and irritating him greatly in the process) than throwing him away.

4. If he has been taught faith and lived in a family that tried to live godly lives, your daughter has nothing to fear from that. Some here might argue that he may have absorbed patriarchy ideas, but there are plenty of mormons who would tell you that their own homes are pretty egalitarian and dads do as much housework and child care as mothers (especially when both are working). So get your kiddo the https://deseretbook.com/p/300-questions-lds-couples-should-ask-before-marriage-shannon-l-alder-50863?variant_id=51843-paperback and suggest that they are questions that will help her get to really know him and that would be important thing to do. Tell her there are secular versions too online and otherwise if she'd rather use them, but that it is really important in making friends, especially in those they are considering or being intimate with to work alongside their significant other, to do new things neither has ever done before, to serve others, to be with extended family in the ordinary things of life like painting or spring cleaning, or fixing the lawnmower or digging out the tree stumps, like reading and talking about books, like taking younger kids to a museum or parade, like fixing food for the family, or singing at the assisted living center.

Bottom line is that how difficult or enriching his beliefs will be to their relationship is really dependent on what he believes and how he practices his faith, more so than Mormon doctrine itself: no one makes church members do any of the huge number of things they are taught to believe or invited to do.