So, I´ve posted here before but now I´m a missionary, so I kinda have to stay under the radar. So, I guess I just wanted to say thanks to the makers of this website (susieQ I think?) Before I found it, I had a ton of questions about the church, but also was really depressed because I felt I was horrible because I wasn´t perfect. But, after reading about just how fake the church really is, it was a real life changer for me. Yea, ironic and just plain wrong that now everyday I teach people that the church is the one true church of god, and don´t get me wrong, i feel crazy guilty about it, and I´m sure some of you will hate me, but I guess we´re all on are way out of the church and healing from the damage we got, why else would we be here. Haha, it´s cool actually being able to talk about it, alright. Thanks.

Hi there. FYI, SusieQ is a regular poster. The "maker" of the site is Eric and the face of Admin here uses the board name Sus I/S. Glad you found us!

Don't hate you - no. But my convert self would have been surprised and disappointed to know that one or some of the missionaries didn't believe what they were preaching. I did suss out that some didn't want to be on a mission and remember being shocked when one mishie told me that another was only there to get the car his parents had promised him if he went on a mission and returned "honourably". I couldn't believe they would bribe him about something so important (preaching the Word and potentially changing people's lives) or that he would be able to carry it off if he didn't really believe or didn't want to be there. Those were just my ideals and standards and expectations but that's what I thought and felt at the time as someone who eventually joined up.

But it's a young and vulnerable age when they send you out and the Mormon culture demands that you "obey" so I understand that it can be hard to know what to do or how to get out of it. It can make for a very long two years though. I hope you can find a way of dealing with it and keeping your integrity intact. Mormonism can make you feel guilty enough without piling more guilt on top.

I'm glad you found this board. There are some good people to talk things over with. And yeah, just keeping it inside for two whole long entire years could make you explode! I hope you get a chance to come here often and give us news from the front.

Take care of yourself.

Hey, thanks a lot Nightingale, I appreciate it. I just made an account and hopefully I´ll be able to write here a lot, as long as I have chill companions that is is. Haha, yeah, I understand the exploding feeling, I´ve actually talked over my ideas with some of my comps, and needless to say, it´s got me in some trouble, ha, oh well.

I think we have all been there - perhaps not all as missionaries - but we have all been in the church close to leaving it, but still having to teach SS or EQ and not *really* believing what we were saying.
My own route out of the morg developed slowly and came to fruition over the course of about a year.
In that year, I did many things which were driven more by what the church expected, than what I truly believed.

I am not proud of the fact, but I doubt there are many people who could honestly say they gave up all their calling the very same day they found out the truth about TSCC

nice to see a man of the cloth posting here on RFM... props to you

at risk of sounding like a father here, be very careful of what you tell your comps. Unless things have changed in 30 years your comps would rat you in a heart beat. Revealing a doubter to the ZLs or MP would make front page news for them on their next mission bulletin. keep it close to the vest my friend.

good luck

Also - be careful about what computer you post from; and don't include personal information that can out you. Some here think this board is read by TBMs; I don't know.

Yeah, for sure, I´m doing all I can to make sure things can´t be tracked back to me. Fake email address, internet cafes, no info about where or who i am. Sure, the next 2 years´ll be interesting, and sometimes frustrating, but I really don´t think it has to be something I need to only endure. I can make a difference, do lots of service projects, learn as much as I can from and about where I am, and hopefully make some of my comps more liberal minded and start asking questions for themselves. Plus I´m in a beautiful place. I just need to get up the courage that when I realize I want out, I can do it. Still easier said then done, haha.

We've all been in the vise you're in. You make be stuck for right now but freedom will one day come to you too. You might have to be a missionary right now. It doesn't mean you have to be a very good one. Do just enough to not get sent home. Or if it gets too bad. Escape. The whole missionary thing is only important in Mormon culture. The outside world, which is huge, couldn't give a shit.

I was a missionary in Europe back in the mid-80's. You are leaps ahead of me at that age in terms of common sense, insight, knowledge, etc. I only found out about the dark underbelly of the morg a few years ago while serving in the bishopric, and like Lehi, I quickly told my children the news about the nasty fruit I had tasted. I will say though that it was on my mission that I began seeing things that disturbed me. For instance, I trained the spoiled grandsons of two GA's. I found out a lot of things, but what struck me was how much money their relatives were making off the poor members of the church.

My 18 year old son was the first person I told a few years ago about cult because I didn't want him wasting his life for a corpo-cult empire. The evidence was overwhelming for all of us, and my son quickly decided to join the military after graduation. He's really enjoying it now. I suppose its the father in me now wanting to encourage you to think about going home. Dude, I hear what you are saying about the positive things about staying, and I think its cognitively healthy to look for the positive in your situation. Just think about it though, two years is a long time. Consider going to college or the military. I just hate to see this cult, selfishly steal these precious two years from young men. What is best for you? Two years = 1/2 an undergradate degree or more. By the way, I am a BYU grad. I hate BYU. I am embarrassed to have this on my resume. My advice, don't go to BYU either.

Eric owns it, it's solely his. He's the head honcho! :-)

I'm SusieQ#1 a long time poster. I have nothing to do with the running of this board, just happy to be a supporter.

Sue is with the ExMormon Foundation (separate entity), posts about the ExMormon Conference in Oct. in SLC, etc.

Welcome, "anon" aka "iamwhoIam" -- hang in there. Be careful how you conduct yourself, what you say, as you are under some heavy authoritative leadership that can make your life miserable. Use this time to gain all you can. I like your attitude! :-)

when I realized TSCC was not what it claimed to be. I didn't know what to do and found it increasingly difficult to continue teaching. I eventually found myself wanting to outright quit everything, take my name off the rolls but DH asked me not too. He was afraid of the backlash and shunning. I can't blame him. I didn't say anything to anyone and kept teaching until our planned move. Once we moved I never attended another Sunday church meeting, except to hear my daughter speak in sacrament.
Since my name was still with the church I was eventually asked aka called to work as a YW camp leader. Since DD was in the program I felt obligated to help. I took the calling and attended camp meetings and did the prep work but made an excuse not to attend camp. I would have gone insane being at camp!

I feel for you. It isn't easy and I wonder if it won't become increasingly difficult for you. It took a while for me to fully understand I was under no obligation to do what was expected of me or even something that made me uncomfortable.


You only need worry about disappointing yourself and no one else. You life decisions are yours. If you find yourself wanting to go home, do it.

You CAN leave. I know it is easier said than done, but missionaries do it all over the world, every week. If you do decide to leave, remember that they will usually pay for the plane ticket home. Depending on the type of person your mission president is, he may give you the HARD sell to stay in. Alternately he may put you on the next flight out of town before you "encourage" anyone else. Each MP is different.

I've been in a position to see over a dozen missionaries go home early (in mission office for 18 months over two MPs). Unless you can pay for your own way home you're going to have to talk to the mission president.

Here are a few paraphrased recollections I have of things real missionaries said that put them on a plane within a week.

"I'm having serious doubts about the church, and I feel strongly enough about them I want to share them with other missionaries. I also want to warn our investigators what they may be getting in to. I want to stay in the mission so I can talk with lots of different people here about what I'm finding. Are you going to be okay with that?" (Not taken seriously until he started actually doing it. Sent home within a week.)

"I have fallen in love with a local member girl, and I want to marry her. Can you help me find a local apartment in the ward I'm in?" (Story confirmed, sent home in 4 days. Missionary was back in 7. Married the girl. Area shut down soon thereafter.)

"I gave a dog we saw hit by a car a priesthood blessing, and he was resurrected. Isn't that amazing President?" (I never figured out why this one got sent home, mystery. I think the MP thought he was lying.)

Slug your companion in the guts during morning study, break a door in two, then light the stock of book of Mormons on fire in the apartment parking lot. No need to say anything. (This guy was gone that night.) No, don't really do this. It was still interesting.

"I am gay." (Always works, but might land you in a church court.)

The phrase "I want to go home" will get serious push back from the MP, but if you stand your ground you will be sent home per your wishes. You don't even need a reason. Usually they will transfer you out on a normal transfer. Keep in mind almost everyone caves to the MP and ends up staying.

Of course, these are the exceptions. _Most_ of the missionaries who wanted to go home (in my experience) got a hold of a credit card or some cash, bought a plane ticket, called a cab, put a note on the table (optionally), and left in the middle of the night. Keep in mind missionaries may be sent to the bus and train stations as well as the airport to look for you. If you plan ahead you can get out like clockwork without talking to anyone. Put your flight number on a note if you want to reduce panic.