-- For Young Women Only -- Your Body, Your Garage by 100Proof

A speech given by Apostate Hunerd Proof at the RfM Young Womens Conference on February 3, 1999

My dear special sweet young spirits, I wish to address a topic that is very sacred and dear to the Lord.

The Lord has blessed us with special bodies. Our bodies are like a house. We have many different rooms for many different purposes. Dear girls, the Lord has instructed us on the proper use and purpose for all our rooms.

This morning, I would like to talk about your garage.

As you mature, you will find new vines growing around your garage. You may discover an urge to raise the garage door and explore the opening. Satan will tempt you to fiddle with the automatic opener button, causing the door to rise and fall again and again. Resist Satan's temptations, for he simply likes to watch.

My dear sweet special things, the Lord has asked you to keep your garage closed until you have chosen a car for time and all eternity. Keep your garage empty until you've found that one special car to join you in the Celestial parking lot. Resist the urge to put your own bicycle in your garage. Do not allow foreign tools into your garage. Keep the door locked, for that is what our Heavenly Housebuilder has requested.

And if you find the temptation is too much, I have a suggestion for you. Turn your thoughts to construction sites, to messy bulldozers and cranes. Think of the noise and the mud and exhaust fumes. Imagine all the dirty grease these monsters drip. Are these the things you want in your garage?

You may find young men eager to park their cars in your garage. Young men like to brag about their cars. They like to show you their cars and let you feel the finish. They may even ask that you help them wax their cars, and then they'll insist that the wax job be followed by overnight parking in your garage. Dear ladies, do not be deceived by the shine. Encourage young men to park on the street, to wax in their own driveway if they must, for your garage is to remain unsoiled. Young men need to drain their crankcase once in a while. Do not allow them to drain in your garage, for they will leave a mess behind for you to clean.

Occasionally, young men drive cars that are loud and have strong engines. These cars are sports cars and are most dangerous. You should never let one into your driveway, for the Lord has asked that you marry a family sedan or a minivan. If you see a sports car in your neighborhood, you should schedule a visit with your Bishop. Your Bishop knows your neighborhood well and can instruct all young men on proper parking and driving.

When you find the one automobile that is right for you, and you both have been sealed in the showroom, allow him to park. He may need assistance parking his sedan the first few times, for if he has followed the maintenance schedule, he will be due for an overhaul. Keep your garage attractive and free of other cars. Trim the vines, and scrub the door.

Yours is only a one car garage, and he is your eternal car.

©1999 Playelder Magazine

Where do they come up with this stuff? They are constitutionally unable to talk straight!!

Exactly! lol

Thats a sign of good parody. It sounds like the real thing!

rutabaga Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Thats a sign of good parody. It sounds like the
> real thing!


Oh my gosh. Playelder! Haven't seen any of his stuff in ages! He posted some terrific parody.

Very funny. Not sure I will share this with my own two young women daughters though.

Andrew:

If U decide to share this with your DDs (age?), Please tell us their reactions, O.K.?

They are 16 and 14. Maybe I'll try it on the married two first.

Now tell us about deck maintenance.

Here is another one

I have a Little Factory, but for the first dozen years I didn't know what it was or what it did except for one very basic function. Never really paid much attention to it. As I entered my teen years I became aware that this Little Factory would sometimes make itself known in small subtle ways. On occasion it seemed to want to start up on it's own with the morning shift being the most active. Every now and then the graveyard shift would go to work and manufacture a little surprise too.

In my mid-teen years the Little Factory was almost always in the fore front of my thoughts. I was curious about it and wondered why it acted the way it did. About this time the Bishop called me into his office and talked to me about the "M" word. I didn't know what it was so I said "No". I had no idea the grief I had avoided simply by being naive.

Girls don't have Little Factories, they have Loading Docks. Their Loading Docks are also multi-function but their biggest purpose is shipping and receiving. They also have more paper work to deal with than Little Factories. Most Little Factories need a Loading Dock nearby and most Loading Docks prefer to be close to a Little Factory. Occasionally a Loading Dock would rather be by another Loading Dock, the same with Little Factories. Local Zoning Laws try to regulate these placements and much is discussed concerning this issue. Hopefully someday, Little Factories and Loading Docks can situate wherever they darn well feel like it.

Even though magazines were around, I had never actually seen a real Loading Dock until I was married. Then there was a flurry of activity at this particular Loading Dock. The Little Factory now had a license for full production. After a decent amount of receiving, the shipping part started up. This continued for years with unabated shipping and receiving. We had many urgent Morg orders to fill you know.

After six packages had been shipped we decided we needed to Unionize. We needed the protection of the Union even though we knew that the Morg was against this protection. The parties at the Loading Dock continued, but we had enough packages and didn't want any more. Don't get me wrong here, we still did lots of receiving, just tried to stop the shipping.

Some years later we severed the lines of communication between shipping and receiving. We also cut ties with the Union and went without their protection with much delight. Union protection was a good thing, we just didn't need their protection anymore. We frolicked without Union protection.

Many years later now, the Loading Dock is gone and the Little Factory has mostly shut down. The boiler fire isn't as hot and the conveyor belt barely runs. The packages we delivered have their own Little Factories and Loading Docks now. It's their time to flourish. It was a good run but reluctantly I will have to shut this Little Factory down and lock the doors. Good bye Little Factory.

Very Good!

I had read that before on here.

It gives me some small measure of peace to know that Boyd K. Packer's main legacy is being mocked ruthlessly for an I incredibly stupid analogy about penises and masturbation he gave once to a bunch of Mormon youth.

Those are beautiful.

Could you tell the YW about the door from the garage into the kitchen? I heard that it's locked up tight, and the seal should only be broken when the right car parks in the garage, and the right man unloads the groceries, so that the ingredients can be put in the kitchen, ready to be mixed for cooking baby batter.

Haha

Jesus christ is that really what somebody said. I am now dumber having read that.

If my last name was Proof, I would sooooo tempted to name my kid Hunerd (which actually *does* sound like a Mormon name).


My other kids would be named, Baby, Tamper, and Idiot.