Its important to not try to cover it up. I have been told to shut up my entire life and that my true beliefs are stupid, now i am snapping at everybody and i think its important and critical. For example today, i went into jimmie johns and i went to use the bathroom, and an employee yelled out "restrooms are only for customers", and i really got heated and said, "i am a fucking customer i was going to buy something!!", i should have just given the bird and not bought anything just for her comment, in the past i would never have done that but now i fire back. The sad thing was i went in there fucking yesterday and bought something as well, i am a repeat customer. I cashed that check that came in the mail to buy me a little more time nobody is going to help me lets be real i asked pretty much every group in idaho for help, and i am not going to grovel to the church for help if i dont have to. Fuck that fuck them, they dont control me anymore. I honked my horn down my street last night twice after midnight and that felt good. There was a cat in the street i swear. If i am awake worrying then they are too.

I still have a lot of anger, but for many things. This year has been tough dealing with my older sister and her spending all my disabled brother's trust. I've always had issues with her, but I've been pretty angry this year.

BUT the years after my ex left me, I would cuss the whole time I was driving, talking to myself about how angry I was and at who and why, etc. I started walking and I would cuss at God for what my life was like.

I think sometimes it is healthy. I get weary of people. I stay away from them as much as possible. I'm sure glad I don't have to go to church!!!

There is a movie with Meryl Streep called "One True Thing." In it she is talking to her daughter and her daughter keeps trying to get her to stop talking and Meryl Streep says "Everybody always shushes me. I'm not going to be shushed. I'm going to say what I have to say." That is how I feel. Many people in my life have shushed me all my life--my older sister above--who is 17 months older than I am, wouldn't even let me talk at church or at school because I might sound stupid.

It gets old.

Oh my--I am always having people be rude to me, just thinking about it. There are always those select few. Even my doctor. I almost quit going to her, but one thing I do notice here in utah is if my boyfriend is with me, they are NEVER rude. One guy was really being rude to me in Costco one day and my boyfriend just was walking back to the cart and when he got to the cart, the other guy actually ran off.

I have to tell this. Across the street from the church is a lady who I actually know and I've always been nice to her. She doesn't go to church much becausse she told me years ago that the people in the ward were mean. So I was walking my 2 little dogs by her house and I know she is very picky, so I was always very careful when I'd walk by her house. I guess she was laying in wait for me as she ran out and yelled at me for walking my dogs by her house (on a city sidewalk) and I somehow came back with "No wonder all the neighbors hate you." (I'd heard many things.) Then she kept yelling at me and I kept going. Finally flipped her off and she yelled, "Tough, aren't you?", so I turned around and headed back and said, "Do you really want to take me on?" She ran in her house. So she wrote me a letter . . . "kind of" apologizing. I wrote her back and told her off. So a few weeks later I decided to walk around the church with my dogs and she came after me. She got better than she gave and I told the bishop (who is also on the city council and she isn't allowed to tell me I can't walk my dogs there). But I really gave it to her! My daughter told me, "She didn't realize who she was dealing with, did she!"

I'm usually very nice to most people, but they cross that line and they are going to wish they never had.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/11/2017 03:16PM by cl2.

I thought i was a nice guy but i think i am a force to be reckoned with after today. I didn't even know this guy was in me.

You're not a nice guy. You're a misguided dick. Honking your horn
down the street to retaliate to one person, woke up countless people that never harmed you. Grow the fuck up and rethink your actions.

Go fuck yourself its more than one person. I know a lot of people on my street.

And yes i am a horrible dude that gave money to a cult. I admit it. Very bad dude never should have done that.

And i am growing the fuck up very fast i am tired of people like you walking on me.

I kind of wish you lived on my street, i would wake your ass up too for calling me a dick, there are consaquences for words. but of course you would call the police because you are a wuss.

You never crossed paths with someone with ptsd before i can tell. I could tear somebody up without even remembering it. I actually dont know if ptsd counts for legally insane, maybe?

I would have told them that I would take my trade somewhere else for now on. You don't treat customers that way.

Its like the worst thing to say to someone the whole restroom thing. That person will never go there again for food if they are smart. That treatment is total bullshit and a business killer.

as you heal. Just reading your post and feeling that secondhand rage made me feel tired. I remember going through that phase too, and I am glad it is over. I very seldom get angry about anything, anymore. It just isn't necessary.

One way I used to deal with rage toward the end of my first marriage - it had gone way past surreal. The alcoholic GF had already moved in with us. Sort of like a live-in maid. . .She cooked and cleaned and had dinner ready when now-ex and I got home from work.

I remember my now-ex saying, "Isn't this nice, to come home to a tidy house and a cooked dinner? We've NEEDED a wife!" I kept expecting to hear the "Twilight Zone" theme at any moment; it was THAT weird.

The GF, although she had an MBA, (technically the most educated of the three of us, but actually one of the dimmest bulbs I have ever met) had a very limited vocabulary. I used to have fun saying really nasty things to her, using grad-school level words that she did not understand, though saying them in a very sweet voice. Passive-aggressive, I know - but it was fun, and my life was seriously crazy back then.

I eventually moved out, taking my income with me (pissed the ex off, no end, because GF drank too much to remain employed.)

Then, moving several states away, I could clear my befuddled mind in the High Desert Country, met the love of my life, and could let go of the need to vent rage. I didn't have any more left.

I bet the time will come for you, too, Adam, when the rage is spent and you can experience GOOD stuff!!

I am exhausted every day. I get these rage bursts and i can feel it in my chest. So these rage bursts are normal as you go through recovery?

Yeah, you do get pissed. Very, very pissed. But I feel that, at the same time, find new friends who are nonjudgemental to enjoy your new found freedom with. Volunteer work is a great thing to do. You meet people who have their stuff together and a genuinely positive attitude. Just some thoughts. Do what you need to do. ;^)

If you know about cars, you can fix it to where the horn will get stuck and keep honking, man, you can't help that ( wink wink)
You can just leave your hand on the horn manually and say it's stuck.
As far as the restaurant restroom goes, my dad always said you can tell a lot about a restaurant by how clean or dirty the rest room is. If that's filthy, walk out, you wouldn't want to see the kitchen.
Tell them you got sick in a similar place and want to check the rest room first, if they're really nasty yo you, come out the rest room yelling about a giant cock roach

Starbucks is locking their restrooms too now, even ones that didn't before. Even put those digital keypads on them, not just a normal key on a chain. And they won't tell you the code, they have someone come from behind the counter to enter it in for you, or else they change the code weekly.

They told me too many homeless and druggies were using the restrooms and making a mess out of them, graffiti on the walls, etc. It only takes a few to spoil it for everybody!

I used to live with someone with a lot of rage, and they acted outrageously to try and get the rage out. It's hard, the first year or two after the jig is up, when you realize how they did you. How cults like this are allowed to exist is beyond me. But it's the price we pay for freedom of thought. Creating that boundary in law was the great innovation of the modern age. Joe and his cronies just figured out how to abuse it.

But, whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

This is true, Adam. If it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger...

You are a trooper. Please take care of yourself. Also, please let us know how you are doing? There are a few of us, maybe a lot of us, who have never seen you, but we do care about you and what happens to you. Don't let the callous actions of a few ruin it for the rest of us.

I have been called a bigot and a whiner here... Oh well... I have to let it roll off. I really thought in June of this year I was gonna DIE, literally, when I found out the church is not true and how FAKE it is. But with help from folks like you I have gotten this far without losing my mind.

I kind of want to stay for people like you cutekitty. You are fucking legit. I think everybody else was just in the church for like a month it seems like and can just keep on going like a normal human being.

Everybody else, as you say, has a normal life to stay in after they leave TSCC. They have families, jobs, responsibilities beyond what you and I have, and a super buffer zone to catch them when they fall.

BYU Boner is married, has a job and a family.
Hie is married and has a family and a job. Not to mention he lives in sunny, southern California!
Amyjo is a single mother of three, i think, and has her hands full with everyday life.
SusieQ#1 and catnip are retired ladies....

Everybody has a life full of things to do.

I am so glad you are playing cards with some folks at the mall. It all occupies time.

I have seriously downsized my daily events so I can read about HOW I can RECOVER from Moronism! My life is a shambles. No friends. I do know other people but I am LOOSE friends with. Nobody I would go out with, but folks to have a conversation with. That is my therapy. Still don't talk to others about the church, cos' I was told not to.

Maybe I will get dramatic when I get my letter of acknowledgement of my resignation from the morg. They can't hurt me once I am truly free. I sent my letter to the Membership records dept. at the COB in SLC. I HOPE I get something back in writing?

I understand cutekitty probably more than most, i lost everything more than once in my life and had to keep starting over and it sucked so i have just been focusing on my health strictly so i dont fall into the same cycle. The first 6 months after leaving the church was rough as hell. Sir david the bard on youtube saved my life. I was like a lone man in a desert. I still listen to his videos to give me strength. But yea it feels like it is you and me against the world right now.

And the people i play cards with are my boys. No judgement no bullshit they accept me totally and i feel more like a real human being. Not in la la land mormonland.

Don't go ,we'll miss you and definitely want to keep updates on your progress getting and staying out the church, seeing if you eventually get help from other people. If a lot of us were closer, we'd be able to help with some things.

Life can be full of petty insults, but when you are poor the insults hurt a whole lot more. You feel like everyone is attacking your dignity. So something that you might otherwise brush off or handle easily (a clerk yelling at you that the restroom is for customers only,) just seems to add to your woes.

I had a petty insult at my last appointment with the periodontist. He was trying to sell me on the idea of a bite guard, which is probably not a bad idea given my teeth grinding, but at appx. $1K is not happening anytime soon. He said that he tells patients to think of it as "just $50 a month, or one less dinner out." What I didn't say to him is, I don't go out to dinner. I haven't been out to a restaurant for dinner in the past several years (at least, that someone else hasn't paid for.) I chalked up the petty insult to just one more well-meaning but clueless person.

I often tell myself, it's not a short race, but a long race. You know how the Bible says that those who are first shall be last, and the last shall be first? There is some truth to that.

I wear a splint every night and i am still paying it off. 6 grand for a stupid little splint that no insurance covered. I lost 80 grand in the last 3 years for my health.