Recovery Board
: RfM
Recovery from Mormonism (RfM) discussion forum.
So one of my best friends who lives far away from me just texted me saying she found out I don’t go to church any more. She said she knows it’s totally none of her business but if I wanted to talk we could. She’s a Complete TBM and so I have avoided telling her just because I knew it would be a uncomfortable conversation. How do most of you handle this type of stuff? She’s a great friend but at the same time I find it hard talking to TBM because they live in a bubble and have a hard time understanding why someone would leave the church.
Very "matter of fact" like.....I've only been asked that a couple times, and never by anyone close. But I always respond openly and honestly, just tell them what I found and that the new info has convinced me the church's claims are not and cannot be true.
No emotional stuff, just facts and the results of learning those facts....especially when the new info came directly from the church :)
Good luck.
No emotional stuff, just facts and the results of learning those facts....especially when the new info came directly from the church :)
Good luck.
If the friend is a true friend, then he/she should be able to handle the truth. (Sorry that it sounds like a cliche.)
I think pretending to be something you're not is unacceptable.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/01/2017 02:01PM by messygoop.
I think pretending to be something you're not is unacceptable.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/01/2017 02:01PM by messygoop.
In the same way, I hope you can handle that your friend is still a mormon.
I have been asked a few times about my inactivity (for those who don't know I resigned). I simply say, "the church just doesn't work for me anymore". It seems like that doesn't leave them much room for argument.
I've had a few "old" friends I grew up with ask me why I left.
I generally reply with something like this:
"I'd be happy to let you know why, but you may not want to know. It wasn't because I was offended or wanted to sin, it was because of facts and research into the church's truth claims. If you want to confront those issues, I'm happy to discuss them with you -- but be aware that I've already read the 'apologist' defenses, and find them completely unconvincing, and that 'testimony' isn't going to sway me either.
So if you'd like to talk, I'm happy to given the above. If you'd rather not deal with those things, that's OK too. I'll still be your friend, and I hope you'll feel the same way."
Most don't take me up on the talk. Only a couple did, and both of those tried to point me to FAIR and/or convince me with testimony, despite me telling them ahead of time that neither would be useful. That was the end of the talk.
I do hold out hope that the little bit I told them might be sitting, weighing heavily, on their shelves...:)
I generally reply with something like this:
"I'd be happy to let you know why, but you may not want to know. It wasn't because I was offended or wanted to sin, it was because of facts and research into the church's truth claims. If you want to confront those issues, I'm happy to discuss them with you -- but be aware that I've already read the 'apologist' defenses, and find them completely unconvincing, and that 'testimony' isn't going to sway me either.
So if you'd like to talk, I'm happy to given the above. If you'd rather not deal with those things, that's OK too. I'll still be your friend, and I hope you'll feel the same way."
Most don't take me up on the talk. Only a couple did, and both of those tried to point me to FAIR and/or convince me with testimony, despite me telling them ahead of time that neither would be useful. That was the end of the talk.
I do hold out hope that the little bit I told them might be sitting, weighing heavily, on their shelves...:)
I like this response!
It's honest and gives the person asking the question options on how to proceed. As we all know, this information is life-changing, and sometimes it's best to make sure someone is ready to discuss it in an intelligent way and face the consequences.
Could things devolve into a bad situation--yes. But this response provides some ways for it not to.
It's honest and gives the person asking the question options on how to proceed. As we all know, this information is life-changing, and sometimes it's best to make sure someone is ready to discuss it in an intelligent way and face the consequences.
Could things devolve into a bad situation--yes. But this response provides some ways for it not to.
ificouldhietokolob Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I've had a few "old" friends I grew up with ask me
> why I left.
>
> I generally reply with something like this:
>
> "I'd be happy to let you know why, but you may not
> want to know. It wasn't because I was offended or
> wanted to sin, it was because of facts and
> research into the church's truth claims. If you
> want to confront those issues, I'm happy to
> discuss them with you -- but be aware that I've
> already read the 'apologist' defenses, and find
> them completely unconvincing, and that 'testimony'
> isn't going to sway me either.
> So if you'd like to talk, I'm happy to given the
> above. If you'd rather not deal with those
> things, that's OK too. I'll still be your friend,
> and I hope you'll feel the same way."
>
> Most don't take me up on the talk. Only a couple
> did, and both of those tried to point me to FAIR
> and/or convince me with testimony, despite me
> telling them ahead of time that neither would be
> useful. That was the end of the talk.
>
> I do hold out hope that the little bit I told them
> might be sitting, weighing heavily, on their
> shelves...:)
^^^^
I've use this and never deviate from this sentiment. May I also add:
1) Resist the urge to unload. Resist the belief that if your friend knew the facts that they would fall out of the church. Resist the urge the evangelize. This is about you showing respect for your friendship over sectarian belief.
2) Almost always, I refuse to go into any gory details with people, even if they ask for details. The reason? Those details blow TBM's minds. A TBM's natural reaction is to think I'm lying (at worst) or misunderstanding or exaggerating (at best). Instead, I always point them to 2 or 3 books and tell them they won't believe it if I tell them and they should read it for themselves. After they read the books, then I'll talk more openly with them. In 15 years, I've only had 2 people ever request my book list and 0 people circle back after reading. That's all OK.
-------------------------------------------------------
> I've had a few "old" friends I grew up with ask me
> why I left.
>
> I generally reply with something like this:
>
> "I'd be happy to let you know why, but you may not
> want to know. It wasn't because I was offended or
> wanted to sin, it was because of facts and
> research into the church's truth claims. If you
> want to confront those issues, I'm happy to
> discuss them with you -- but be aware that I've
> already read the 'apologist' defenses, and find
> them completely unconvincing, and that 'testimony'
> isn't going to sway me either.
> So if you'd like to talk, I'm happy to given the
> above. If you'd rather not deal with those
> things, that's OK too. I'll still be your friend,
> and I hope you'll feel the same way."
>
> Most don't take me up on the talk. Only a couple
> did, and both of those tried to point me to FAIR
> and/or convince me with testimony, despite me
> telling them ahead of time that neither would be
> useful. That was the end of the talk.
>
> I do hold out hope that the little bit I told them
> might be sitting, weighing heavily, on their
> shelves...:)
^^^^
I've use this and never deviate from this sentiment. May I also add:
1) Resist the urge to unload. Resist the belief that if your friend knew the facts that they would fall out of the church. Resist the urge the evangelize. This is about you showing respect for your friendship over sectarian belief.
2) Almost always, I refuse to go into any gory details with people, even if they ask for details. The reason? Those details blow TBM's minds. A TBM's natural reaction is to think I'm lying (at worst) or misunderstanding or exaggerating (at best). Instead, I always point them to 2 or 3 books and tell them they won't believe it if I tell them and they should read it for themselves. After they read the books, then I'll talk more openly with them. In 15 years, I've only had 2 people ever request my book list and 0 people circle back after reading. That's all OK.
I know what you mean I have several good tbm friends and the whole its sometimes hard to talk to them because they live in a bubble thing I can totally relate too I feel that way around my tbm family members as well. Especially when they try to get me to come back to church. IfIcouldhietokolob thank you I think that's a great way to respond to people when they ask you about not going to church anymore.
Try telling her it's really none of YOUR business, but you've found out some things about the Mormon church that mean that it is not true. You're available to talk if she'd like to.
I'm not being facetious. Totally serious. It's only when you turn this stuff on its head and quit playing by there rules that you will break free of it.
I'm not being facetious. Totally serious. It's only when you turn this stuff on its head and quit playing by there rules that you will break free of it.
I had a situation where a person who cared about me was very persistent in wanting to talk to me--because he was convinced he could get me to see the light.
I found that very distressing, so I ended up avoiding him.
Something I did that I felt good about was to write him a note saying that I appreciated his obvious true concern for my well-being---and that I was fully convinced in my beliefs, and not interested or willing to discuss it any further.
If your TBM friend is willing to listen to your kind answer as suggested by a couple of people above, and not try and try some more to change your mind---then I think the above advice is excellent.
I liked the idea of ending with something along the lines of, "We've been friends a long time, and I value your friendship."
Also, FYI, it might depend on how much in the bubble they really are--that is, do they have dear family members who are not members, are gay, etc. so that they have already had to come to terms with loving someone who isn't a TBM----and don't forget the possibility that they may look TBM on the outside, but they may be quietly having some doubts themselves, and discussing with someone who has left the church may be something they are hoping will help them see what is true. Your willingness to simply share what you have come to believe is true might be helpful to them.
I found that very distressing, so I ended up avoiding him.
Something I did that I felt good about was to write him a note saying that I appreciated his obvious true concern for my well-being---and that I was fully convinced in my beliefs, and not interested or willing to discuss it any further.
If your TBM friend is willing to listen to your kind answer as suggested by a couple of people above, and not try and try some more to change your mind---then I think the above advice is excellent.
I liked the idea of ending with something along the lines of, "We've been friends a long time, and I value your friendship."
Also, FYI, it might depend on how much in the bubble they really are--that is, do they have dear family members who are not members, are gay, etc. so that they have already had to come to terms with loving someone who isn't a TBM----and don't forget the possibility that they may look TBM on the outside, but they may be quietly having some doubts themselves, and discussing with someone who has left the church may be something they are hoping will help them see what is true. Your willingness to simply share what you have come to believe is true might be helpful to them.
^^This^^. There are two people who could have really helped me end the misery much earlier if they'd opened their mouths.
If you do decide to talk a little, watch out. My TBM friend swore that our friendship was more important than my changing beliefs. When she dumped me, she admitted that my lack of belief was a big factor.
It doesn't have to be that hard.
Just reply:
"Thanks, but that's okay, I'm happy!"
leave it at that, change the subject to something else.
Just reply:
"Thanks, but that's okay, I'm happy!"
leave it at that, change the subject to something else.
I like this answer. She has already acknowledged that this really isn't any of her business (which it clearly isn't). This response makes that point without repeating it.
Her contacting you over whether you go to church or not is just not normal in the larger society. It just isn't normal for her to even know that you are not going to church unless she goes to the same church and noticed that you weren't there. Pathology on top of pathology.
If you are going to give up Mormonism, you might want to cultivate a non Mormon approach to these sorts of things. To a non Mormon, this would be a very bizarre note to receive. It would make one wonder if it makes any sense to have a relationship with someone who would behave so intrusively.
Her contacting you over whether you go to church or not is just not normal in the larger society. It just isn't normal for her to even know that you are not going to church unless she goes to the same church and noticed that you weren't there. Pathology on top of pathology.
If you are going to give up Mormonism, you might want to cultivate a non Mormon approach to these sorts of things. To a non Mormon, this would be a very bizarre note to receive. It would make one wonder if it makes any sense to have a relationship with someone who would behave so intrusively.
I'm with "Yeppers" on this.
Bentaylor wrote about the friend:
"She said she knows it’s totally none of her business but if I wanted to talk we could."
Hello--there's no question she is asking! She said she wanted to talk. Big difference! In the 9 years I have been resigned from the cult, not one Mormon--Zero, not even one--has ever asked me WHY I left! Oh, plenty of TBM's have TOLD me why (I needed to read the BOM again, I was offended, bla-bla). The real reason I left, is that Mormonism is a hoax, that is cruel and harmful to innocent people.
Why do you think this friend is asking Bentaylor any questions? No. Mormons only preach at you and bear their testimony. Discussion is a waste of time.
Be your friendly, polite self. You no longer have to be phony.
If Mormons don't back away, I start telling them what I DO believe in, such as Christ, and Love, and people helping each other. I talk about our volunteer work. I tell them about how happy we are, and what great things we have been doing as a family. I tell them about our successes. I talk about science, and nature, the environment, and other things that Mormons do not care about, but we care about
When Mormons come to my door, I love asking them for money!!! To contribute to our volunteer projects, the school, or someone's political campaign, Friends Pet Rescue, The League of Women Voters! I do this to Missionaries and the Deacons collecting fast offerings. I love watching them squirm. It shuts them up.
Answer your friend, that you would love to talk. You want to tell her all about your new volunteer service project, and that you are looking for more volunteers and donations. Start to go off on a tangent (like the Mormons do), then write, "Anyway--I'll tell you all about it when we meet!"
This is what Mormons are always doing to us, so why not do it right back at them. (Don't go as low as they do, so don't criticize your Mormon friends, don't tell them they are evil, don't tell them they are unhappy, don't shun them, etc. That's stooping to the Mormons' own very low-level manipulative tactics.)
Bentaylor wrote about the friend:
"She said she knows it’s totally none of her business but if I wanted to talk we could."
Hello--there's no question she is asking! She said she wanted to talk. Big difference! In the 9 years I have been resigned from the cult, not one Mormon--Zero, not even one--has ever asked me WHY I left! Oh, plenty of TBM's have TOLD me why (I needed to read the BOM again, I was offended, bla-bla). The real reason I left, is that Mormonism is a hoax, that is cruel and harmful to innocent people.
Why do you think this friend is asking Bentaylor any questions? No. Mormons only preach at you and bear their testimony. Discussion is a waste of time.
Be your friendly, polite self. You no longer have to be phony.
If Mormons don't back away, I start telling them what I DO believe in, such as Christ, and Love, and people helping each other. I talk about our volunteer work. I tell them about how happy we are, and what great things we have been doing as a family. I tell them about our successes. I talk about science, and nature, the environment, and other things that Mormons do not care about, but we care about
When Mormons come to my door, I love asking them for money!!! To contribute to our volunteer projects, the school, or someone's political campaign, Friends Pet Rescue, The League of Women Voters! I do this to Missionaries and the Deacons collecting fast offerings. I love watching them squirm. It shuts them up.
Answer your friend, that you would love to talk. You want to tell her all about your new volunteer service project, and that you are looking for more volunteers and donations. Start to go off on a tangent (like the Mormons do), then write, "Anyway--I'll tell you all about it when we meet!"
This is what Mormons are always doing to us, so why not do it right back at them. (Don't go as low as they do, so don't criticize your Mormon friends, don't tell them they are evil, don't tell them they are unhappy, don't shun them, etc. That's stooping to the Mormons' own very low-level manipulative tactics.)
My TBM Rel. Soc. teacher and friend came to visit me today (she made an appointment with me as to when was a good time for both of us).
This is the Rel.Soc. visiting teacher who cannot not bring me a gift.
Today's gift was a small purse pad of paper, with pen (the cover was a metal of some kind, decorated with colorful flowers on top).
We never talk church (except, maybe, if a new bishop, etc.), but we do (sometimes) talk husbands (although mine is now deceased, since Feb.).
She is a delight to visit with, and a true friend (and, seemingly, couldn't care less about my lack of attendance).
You should be so lucky.
This is the Rel.Soc. visiting teacher who cannot not bring me a gift.
Today's gift was a small purse pad of paper, with pen (the cover was a metal of some kind, decorated with colorful flowers on top).
We never talk church (except, maybe, if a new bishop, etc.), but we do (sometimes) talk husbands (although mine is now deceased, since Feb.).
She is a delight to visit with, and a true friend (and, seemingly, couldn't care less about my lack of attendance).
You should be so lucky.
"She said she knows it's totally none of her business"
Your reply to her:
"You're absolutely right, it's totally not"
Your reply to her:
"You're absolutely right, it's totally not"
"First of all, I didn't leave for any of the reasons the church says people do, and I could give you a very long and detailed answer if you really want to know, but the short answer is that I don't believe it any more."
An old tbm acquaintance from about 15 years ago visited my home along with another old tbm friend last month. Two weeks later he shows up again out of the blue saying "I don't know why but something told me I should come and visit you." I don't like beating around the bush so I told him he was wasting his time if he thought he could bring me back to activity in the church. He asked my why. I told him to ask my wife if it would be ok with her for me to explain to him my reasons then I would. I know she will say "NO". I really don't have the heart to break his bubble as he is older, seems so caught up in the church and so fragile that he might be lost without the support of church friends.
Being your self is always the way to go. If you go into your reasons for leaving Mormonism you will find out soon enough what her real self is. Might as well find out.
I really like how waunderdog put it. Classy, and leaves the ball in her court.
Make contact after that with no agenda related to the issue and get a feel for what the friendship will be in the future. If the friendship was based on mutual Mormonism then it's already over most likely.
I really like how waunderdog put it. Classy, and leaves the ball in her court.
Make contact after that with no agenda related to the issue and get a feel for what the friendship will be in the future. If the friendship was based on mutual Mormonism then it's already over most likely.
I think it depends on how much you want or need to go into it. A "Thanks, but I'm good" might tide you over for a while.
But if at some point you need to explore it further, this is how I would approach it. Mormons appear to assume that all moral authority derives from the Mormon church. They need to be educated otherwise. In this event, I would tell her that after thoroughly studying church history, doctrines, and policies, that it no longer aligns with your personal values and morals. You wish her well, but you have decided to go in a different direction.
But if at some point you need to explore it further, this is how I would approach it. Mormons appear to assume that all moral authority derives from the Mormon church. They need to be educated otherwise. In this event, I would tell her that after thoroughly studying church history, doctrines, and policies, that it no longer aligns with your personal values and morals. You wish her well, but you have decided to go in a different direction.
People who are genuinely secure in their beliefs do not have a profound psychological need to investigate the motives of someone who has left the faith.
The best, polite, response to an overly 'inquisitive' member of the Faithful:
"My decision to leave the church is personal and private, and not open for discussion."
Keep it simple, and redirect the conversation elsewhere ...
The best, polite, response to an overly 'inquisitive' member of the Faithful:
"My decision to leave the church is personal and private, and not open for discussion."
Keep it simple, and redirect the conversation elsewhere ...
Authentically. Just what you said, OP.
"You're a great friend, but I find it hard talking to an active Mormon, because we no longer have that in common. Are you okay with that?"
Then, go from there. It's not your responsibility to anticipate her motives; be open to what comes. Maybe she's doubting, maybe she's plain curious, maybe she's on a mission. If you hear a mission coming your way, respond appropriately.
"I know these lessons, and soundly reject them. Can we move beyond religion?"
Life is a ride - enjoy it.
"You're a great friend, but I find it hard talking to an active Mormon, because we no longer have that in common. Are you okay with that?"
Then, go from there. It's not your responsibility to anticipate her motives; be open to what comes. Maybe she's doubting, maybe she's plain curious, maybe she's on a mission. If you hear a mission coming your way, respond appropriately.
"I know these lessons, and soundly reject them. Can we move beyond religion?"
Life is a ride - enjoy it.
With respect and sincerity, I always say "if we continue to talk about (something), we will argue about it", before it happens.
So the annoying part of all this is that suddenly her Facebook and Instagram page are non stop quotes and links to stupid Mormon stuff. It’s daily now out of nowhere when before she never posted religious garbage. I don’t get people. Oh wow that quote was so amazing I think I’ll go back to church now... said no one ever.
Yep. This might trigger her into "save you" mode.
You have a few options. Occasionally they actually follow their Article of Faith 11 and accept your views. However, then they are hesitant to associate with someone critical of the church. Often the relationship deteriorates if you do decide to discuss it.
I've had success with saying, "I value study over faith and have moved on, but I value our friendship. Out of respect for your faith, I propose we do not discuss religion." Remember that everything in her life is viewed through the church filter. She probably isn't capable of discussing views that the church has not fed her, so you will have to determine how much to invest in the friendship.
It might be good to reassure her that you were NOT OFFENDED and that it was an intellectual decision and not based on wanting to go sin (meaning act normal by having a glass of wine now and then). If you leave, she NEEDS to reassure herself that you could not keep the standards and it was your fault. It messes them up when they realize it was the other way around. :-)
Good luck. If she continues to post non stop church crap, all you can do is ignore or tell her it really looks like she has a very limited world view.
You have a few options. Occasionally they actually follow their Article of Faith 11 and accept your views. However, then they are hesitant to associate with someone critical of the church. Often the relationship deteriorates if you do decide to discuss it.
I've had success with saying, "I value study over faith and have moved on, but I value our friendship. Out of respect for your faith, I propose we do not discuss religion." Remember that everything in her life is viewed through the church filter. She probably isn't capable of discussing views that the church has not fed her, so you will have to determine how much to invest in the friendship.
It might be good to reassure her that you were NOT OFFENDED and that it was an intellectual decision and not based on wanting to go sin (meaning act normal by having a glass of wine now and then). If you leave, she NEEDS to reassure herself that you could not keep the standards and it was your fault. It messes them up when they realize it was the other way around. :-)
Good luck. If she continues to post non stop church crap, all you can do is ignore or tell her it really looks like she has a very limited world view.
I like the idea of texting her the 11th Article of Faith
"We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may."
Thanks for understanding I choose to worship differently. It means so much to me!
"We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may."
Thanks for understanding I choose to worship differently. It means so much to me!
I would just unfollow her for a while. Or alternatively, you can shut off anything from church-owned sites on FB, and tell FB that you want to see a whole lot less from that person.
E-mail her the CES letter.
I love the intellectual line. That’s perfect.
Boner. Thanks! Life is good. My mom is on a foreign mission again making sure she never gets to know her grandkids. Good part is she can’t interfer with my marriage as much.
Marriage is going good with no problems at the moment.
Boner. Thanks! Life is good. My mom is on a foreign mission again making sure she never gets to know her grandkids. Good part is she can’t interfer with my marriage as much.
Marriage is going good with no problems at the moment.
Ben, the marriage part is wonderful! I’m sure is helps that your Mom is on the mission. Thanks for your posts. It’s dreary, as fuck, here in Utah and thoughts of beer with a buddy after work has a nice ring to it. So, tonight, over a nice amber ale, I’ll toast you, Ben, with a hearty—Here’s to my buddy Ben! May he and his loved ones experience joy, health, and love! And may
Ben always rise for the occasion! Hell yeah!
Ben always rise for the occasion! Hell yeah!
Hi Ben, a couple of thoughts—
The quotes and posts may be her way of trying to sort out cognitive dissonance. She may be experiencing deep concerns as a TBM (most of us here, myself included) once we’re very TBM.
Unfortunately when I left, long-term friends (20-plus years) dropped our friendships. One of them included the best man at my wedding. As hard as this is to deal with, leaving a cult has a friendship price. I’m sorry if you experience this with your friend.
How’s everything else? Is your Mom still trying to make alliances with your wife?
It’s Sunday, I wish I were with you n your boat telling jokes, drinking beer, and saying fuck the Morg with you! The Boner.
The quotes and posts may be her way of trying to sort out cognitive dissonance. She may be experiencing deep concerns as a TBM (most of us here, myself included) once we’re very TBM.
Unfortunately when I left, long-term friends (20-plus years) dropped our friendships. One of them included the best man at my wedding. As hard as this is to deal with, leaving a cult has a friendship price. I’m sorry if you experience this with your friend.
How’s everything else? Is your Mom still trying to make alliances with your wife?
It’s Sunday, I wish I were with you n your boat telling jokes, drinking beer, and saying fuck the Morg with you! The Boner.
"Are you sure you really want to know why I quit? I don't want it to jeopardize our friendship."
That will either pique curiosity or gracefully allow the conversation to change.
That will either pique curiosity or gracefully allow the conversation to change.
When she starts talking, let a 'vague' look cross your face and blink a bit and then focus over her left shoulder and smile (hopefully inappropriately). When she breaks her monologue to ask what's wrong, tell her you see Satan and Joseph Smith matching for quarters and Satan is losing and steam is rising off him.
When she says, "Really...?", say no, that you were just day dreaming about the orgy you went to three nights ago and ask her if she's ever been to one.
When she starts to look horrified, quickly tell you that you're just repeating something you read online that was supposed to be useful in changing a conversation, and then ask her how often she blogs about yoga pants.
When she says she doesn't even have any yoga pants, ask her if she'd like some... When her eyes get big, apologize and explain that you were just channeling your inner mormon missionary.
Then pray that I find something to do other than haunt RfM while drinking.
When she says, "Really...?", say no, that you were just day dreaming about the orgy you went to three nights ago and ask her if she's ever been to one.
When she starts to look horrified, quickly tell you that you're just repeating something you read online that was supposed to be useful in changing a conversation, and then ask her how often she blogs about yoga pants.
When she says she doesn't even have any yoga pants, ask her if she'd like some... When her eyes get big, apologize and explain that you were just channeling your inner mormon missionary.
Then pray that I find something to do other than haunt RfM while drinking.
When I (and my family) left I was asked by friends, family, church members, bishops, etc. why. At the time I didn't even want to talk about it but I felt obligated to. So, I entertained all of them. I answered the door, the phone, I returned messages, and emails. All in hopes of preserving these relationships.
I was even warned on here that these conversations wouldn't go well & to tread carefully. Well everyone here was right. During these talks/conversations I was open & honest with people. I answered their questions. I let them into my home. I was respectful to not share too much unless they were okay with hearing it.
This is what I learned from it. They didn't really want to know why or "talk about it." It is just a ploy to try and change the decision and to check off something on their to-list or to relieve their own guilt of knowing they tried. They didn't believe a word that I said, even though I could show them church approved material that backed up every fact. And as soon as the conversation was over & their attempt failed we were irrelevant to them.
We no longer have relationships with any of these people. Not even our TBM family. So, I wish that I would have listened to myself (and the exmo's here) and not really talked about it. It just wasn't worth it. Just matter of factly state that no I don't go anymore. I hope it goes better for you than it did for us.
I was even warned on here that these conversations wouldn't go well & to tread carefully. Well everyone here was right. During these talks/conversations I was open & honest with people. I answered their questions. I let them into my home. I was respectful to not share too much unless they were okay with hearing it.
This is what I learned from it. They didn't really want to know why or "talk about it." It is just a ploy to try and change the decision and to check off something on their to-list or to relieve their own guilt of knowing they tried. They didn't believe a word that I said, even though I could show them church approved material that backed up every fact. And as soon as the conversation was over & their attempt failed we were irrelevant to them.
We no longer have relationships with any of these people. Not even our TBM family. So, I wish that I would have listened to myself (and the exmo's here) and not really talked about it. It just wasn't worth it. Just matter of factly state that no I don't go anymore. I hope it goes better for you than it did for us.
I don't discuss my religious beliefs with others...they're personal..between me and God