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Posted by: mightybuffalo ( )
Date: November 07, 2017 06:04PM

So this last sunday was fast sunday and my wife had me fasting, of course, for my upcoming med school interview. I actually do enjoy fasting, gives me a sense of control and medically I hear that from time to time its actually good for you.

Never easy though. I "accidentally" touched about 4 pieces of bread so I had to eat them all. Whoops!

My pops told me a story that when he was in high school one of the teachers thought it would be funny to use sprite instead of water in the sacrament cups. Oh man I can just see the startled faces of those wankers drinking sprite on the holy day hahaha.

Any experiences of your own?

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Posted by: donbagley ( )
Date: November 07, 2017 06:47PM

I was passing the sacrament when this "bad boy" I knew and liked took out a pencil and poked holes in the sacrament cups. I doubled over with laughter. Later I pulled the same trick when my brother was passing sacrament, and he cracked up too.

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Posted by: saucie ( )
Date: November 07, 2017 07:16PM

donbagley Wrote:
> I was passing the sacrament when this "bad boy" I
> knew and liked took out a pencil and poked holes
> in the sacrament cups. I doubled over with
> laughter. Later I pulled the same trick when my
> brother was passing sacrament, and he cracked up
> too.

You went to all the fun wards. I'm jealous.

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Posted by: donbagley ( )
Date: November 07, 2017 08:45PM

I went to some lousy ones, but the best were in the east. Mormons are easier going out there.

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Posted by: saucie ( )
Date: November 07, 2017 08:54PM

Yeah I bet they are.

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Posted by: Jonny the Smoke ( )
Date: November 07, 2017 06:53PM

An older, special interest couple in ward had a baby. When it grew to be a toddler, they would let it run around the chapel during SM, screaming and yelling. The mom would chase him down and pick him up, walking back to her seat laughing and smiling at the "cute' little boy. The rest of the congregation watched in horror, wide eyed.

The same couple went on a ward campout at church owned property about 20 miles out of town, just a few miles from gas, quickie mart, etc. The next day at church in testimony meeting, they talked about how the campout had shown them, and now they could relate, to the trials and hardships of the pioneers.

Counselor gets up to start F&T meeting and tells the congregation that is if your young child wants to come to the front and testify, they can, but don't come up with them and don't whisper in their ears, telling them what to say. The first person up was a woman with a 3 year old, whispering in his ear, telling him every word to say....she was so proud, positively beaming up there. The whole crowd groaned as soon as went up.

A new convert, she sat in the back row, she was kind of smelly, she ate saltine crackers and drank apple cider from a gallon jug all through the meetings. Only saw her a few times. Golden contact for sure.

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Posted by: Exmoron ( )
Date: November 07, 2017 07:18PM

A Polynesian priest was blessing the sacrament at the table one day. He was having trouble reading every word with exactness, and was missing one word here or there. Every time he look over to the Bishop for confirmation, the Bishop would shake his head "no." No kidding, about the sixth time he screwed up, in frustration he whispered "f*ck this" in the microphone. The gasp of utter horror that followed among the congregation was audible.

One Sunday a Polynesian deacon lit a fire cracker, and flicked it over underneath the podium.

One sacrament meeting a sister outted her husband for having an affair on him as he sat there in the audience. He never came back.

One Sunday a man was giving his testimony when he referred to a problem during a church men's basketball game where as a ref he had had a problem during one of the games. Well a brother in the audience didn't like what he said and he came up and hit the guy right in the face.

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Posted by: mightybuffalo ( )
Date: November 07, 2017 08:49PM

Hahaha that polynesian "F-this" playing out in my head was the best movie I've seen in a long time!

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Posted by: mightybuffalo ( )
Date: November 07, 2017 08:53PM

Oh i just remembered another one!

The day my dad was sustained as a bishop, the old bishopric was asked to return to their seats as the new one took the stand. The daughter of one of the bishopric hugged her dad as he returned then proceeded to projectile vomit on him and a few people nearby.

What did you ask? Of course we didn't finish early and let the smell of puke clear out. Meetings just pushed right on through. Worst smell ever. And my dad left us for the cool seats.

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Posted by: Hockeyrat ( )
Date: November 07, 2017 09:06PM

Was this in Hawaii? It reminds me of my very first sacrament meeting when I was an investigator. The poor priest giving the blessing kept sighing for half a second and started repeating the same part a couple of times during the whole prayer.
I thought he was giving his own prayer , just wondering why he kept starting all over, repeating the same phrases.
The lady next to me knew it was my first time and whispered to me that it had to be perfect.
Another time, after the prayer, when the priest picked up the tray, the bottom feel out , and he was left just holding an empty holder

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Posted by: saucie ( )
Date: November 07, 2017 07:34PM

Yikes man, you guys went to all the fun wards.....

I missed out.

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Posted by: jstone ( )
Date: November 07, 2017 08:43PM

When they ran out of the finger pulled apart slices of cheap bread, and have to get some more from the kitchen - but horrors of horrors they didn't bless the new bread. No one said a thing because of this very real passivity that pervades the TBMs. This passiveness that I kept witnessing from one thing after another was one of the things that made me realize that the majority of other members had stopped THINKING.

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Posted by: namarod ( )
Date: November 08, 2017 12:19PM

I wouldn't say funny, but very bizarre. I served a Mission in the Dominican Republic. The Branch in my area met in a rented house. During a Fast & Testimony Meeting, one of the members went up to the podium to bear his Testimony. He started talking like he was Jesus saying stuff like, "If you love me keep my commandments. I am the Alpha and Omega" etc. After a few minutes of hearing his psychotic rant, his brother went up and whispered in his ear. I'm sure he nicely told him to sit down. Instead of sitting down, he started yelling at his brother, "Get thee behind me Satan! I cast thee out!" and other crazy stuff. The Branch President came up front to try to gently remove him from behind the podium. He became aggressive and pushed both of them and ran into a room used for classes. He blocked the door and his brother and the Branch President were pushing on the door trying to get into the room. He finally let them into the room and they both escorted him out of the chapel. Me and the rest of the congregation were just watching all this drama with our jaws dropping and thinking WTF!

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Posted by: Journey ( )
Date: November 08, 2017 12:29PM

I was filling in as chorister back in the 80s in the singles ward. After the opening song, I went to move the music stand out of the way and the shelf part came off in my hands. I stood frozen for a moment, as the guy was standing there waiting to say the prayer. I turned around and took the music holder to my seat with me in the choir. When it was time for the sacrament song, I walked back up there, put the top on the stand, and continued on as if it happened every day.

Inside, I was mortified, but as all good morgbots do, I just kept smiling.

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Posted by: brettys ( )
Date: November 08, 2017 09:58PM

I enjoyed that one. Sounds like something I would have done. :)

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Posted by: GNPE ( )
Date: November 08, 2017 12:53PM

A former (?) JW got up in testimonkey mtg & started preaching JW doctrine; good guy Bp. explained that he was a recent convert, etc.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/08/2017 01:37PM by GNPE.

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Posted by: memikeyounot ( )
Date: November 08, 2017 01:52PM

My son, age 39 this year, hasn't been to church since he was about 18 or so and never got into it much. That may have been my fault.

He was ordained a priest and his first Sunday doing the prayer, he had trouble getting it straight and the bishop (a guy he hated anyway) kept making him do it again.

He finally got it right but would never ever do the prayers again, and also didn't want to help with it.

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Posted by: brettys ( )
Date: November 08, 2017 10:00PM

Why in the hell does it have to be so exact? If one work is wrong, Christ withdraws any blessings you would receive from the sacrament?

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Posted by: kairos ( )
Date: November 08, 2017 02:17PM

Someone should write a book.
In an Virginia ward, newbies took the front row which always went to the Jones- well Jones showed up and a fistfight ensued- i dont know who won.

Always a few times a year no one brings the loaf of bread so off to Safeway goes the second counselor at the speed of light in his pickup- so much for not grocery shopping on Sunday.

or the bread is so stale the priests cannot tear it apart-all crumbs

or the F&T where my friend said he only wanted truth wherever he found it. later he was bombarded with emails for his lack of faith.

or the old drone who goes on and on about the end of the world coming scaring the hell out of everyone especially when he said build your own underground shelter and stock and arm it.


Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/08/2017 02:18PM by kairos.

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Posted by: ificouldhietokolob ( )
Date: November 09, 2017 10:12AM

kairos Wrote:
> Always a few times a year no one brings the loaf
> of bread so off to Safeway goes the second
> counselor at the speed of light in his pickup- so
> much for not grocery shopping on Sunday.

Also a regular occurrence in my ward. Only it was never the second counselor, the bishop would hand me a couple of bucks (as the priest quorum leader) and tell me to go buy bread.

One Sunday when that happened, I had my annual "priesthood interview" the same afternoon. During the interview, I told the bishop that I'd worked (at Jack in the Box) the previous Sunday night, because two people had called in sick, and they needed a fill-in.

He let into me with a fire-and-damnation lecture about working on Sundays, how nobody should work on Sundays, and if we even went shopping on a Sunday we were enabling Satan to rule the world, since our shopping meant other people had to work.

"But..." I pleaded, " just had me go buy bread this morning!"

Dead silence.

"Yeah, well, try not to work on Sundays anymore," he said.
Interview over :)

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Posted by: mrsnotasiplanned ( )
Date: November 10, 2017 03:53AM

Once before I got to Sacrament mtg, my husband sat in a pew that we normally didn't sit in - no big deal right? Um, wrong. The woman who usually sat there with her family came and said it was their seat, and asked him to move. Another woman, in the pew behind him agreed with her, saying, "Yes, that's where they sit"
My husband is very polite and would never cause a problem or a scene. When I arrived, I couldn't believe how petty they were. If I had been there, I would have likely said, "I don't see your name on it, and/or you must pay a special fee to believe you can claim a seat"!

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Posted by: messygoop ( )
Date: November 10, 2017 08:13AM

I always thought that it was stupid to worry about sitting in other people's seats.

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Posted by: jackman ( )
Date: November 08, 2017 02:24PM

I recall preparing the bread for a sacrament meeting in a college ward. It was a holiday weekend fast Sunday and there were only like 35 people in attendance.

I instructed the Elders who were up at the table with me to just "tear each whole piece of bread into quarters since there are so few people and we'll have way too much bread as it is and it's fast Sunday, let's give them a little extra shall we?"

I got a little embarrassed when the bread started going around and people were grabbing these enormous pieces and trying to stuff them in their mouths all at once and having to chew them up for a long time.

I knew I had made a huge mistake when we actually ran out of bread and had to re-break and bless 2 more trays of bread. Oops, my bad.

But miraculously, nobody went hungry during fast and testimony meeting. ;)

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Posted by: incognitotoday ( )
Date: November 08, 2017 03:33PM

The second counselor got up to announce a baby blessing. Said the girl’s name was going to be, ‘little baby Vagina.’ It was really, Virginia. The only time I heard laughter in SM.

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Posted by: Hockeyrat ( )
Date: November 08, 2017 03:41PM

The Canadian city of Regina is pronounced like vagina.

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Posted by: Sweets ( )
Date: November 08, 2017 03:53PM

Early 1980s in a very small ward in the 1980s: One sister stands up during F&T and just blasts away at the congregation in anger. New to the area and no one cares enough to be friendly and welcoming. We all just sat there as she went on and on about how she hated this rural area that her husband dragged her to. The oldest member (about age 80) gave a huge yawn during her tirade. So, she burst into tears and sits down, and the Bishop gives us all a pep talk and love in Christ, etc. Of course, no one really reached out to this bitter lady since she pissed off the sweet ladies in the ward and pretty soon that family moved away. And really, it was a nice ward - friendly but reserved and not a lot of rich people. Mostly hard working rural people.

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Posted by: Mother Who Knows ( )
Date: November 08, 2017 03:58PM

Back in the days when I thought "Mormonism is the best way to raise children", I was very proud that my sons were passing the sacrament. One Sunday, the bread tasted like mold. I looked at the tray, and could actually see green mold...and then I recognized the bread. I had thrown it n the trash that morning, from our a bag of stale bread, that we kept to feed the ducks. My son had rushed across the street to our house, to get more bread, and that was the only bread we had. When I recognized the bread, I laughed out loud! During the sacrament. I was so embarrassed. My children were the ones who led me out of the cult.

Funny how things used to embarrass us, and now it all seems so trivial and unimportant. When we left, I never saw those people again.

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Posted by: brettys ( )
Date: November 08, 2017 10:06PM

Can't stop laughing. :P

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Posted by: messygoop ( )
Date: November 08, 2017 04:57PM

Moldy bread. Love it! Ha ha.

As a Priest at the sacrament table, I managed to bump one of the trays of unbroken bread with my elbows. The two slices fell to floor where I promptly scooped them up with the tumbled tray. Yeah, it was a bad thing to do but we really believed that it would be purified and sanctified. We also had some extra clumsy deacons that could trip at the most unfortunate moment. Oh well, those poor saps in the back probably enjoyed eating carpet fibers.

Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 11/08/2017 04:59PM by messygoop.

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Posted by: cl2 ( )
Date: November 08, 2017 06:12PM

As a single female, I taught 4-year-olds in SS. They had opening exercises (if we don't remember back then). One of the little boys wouldn't let go of the tray with bread. I was trying to get him to and all of a sudden, he let go. All the bread went flying . . .

My oldest brother and his best friend ran away when they were juniors in high school because my dad didn't think my brother's haircut was short enough and he cut it shorter, so my brother ran away. They were found quite quickly on a bus headed for AZ. In rebellion, my brother and his friend shaved their heads (this was in hippie days). His friend wore little round wire-rim glasses. You should have seen the 2 of them sitting at the sacrament table to bless the sacrament. It was comical.

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Posted by: AVT-16 ( )
Date: November 08, 2017 08:22PM

we had this one woman that I was always disappointed if she had not gone up to give her testimony. I have told people that if I die and it is insisted on that there is a service at the church ....She will be required to come and give here testimony or a talk.. Holy cow! I will paraphrase but they went along the line of this

"Good Morning Brothers and sisters I bring you tidings of glad joy. As you know My husband has been away working in another state he has been gone a long time, He cant come back until he has a proper pass port. so now I have to mow my own lawn. Well yesterday as I was praying waiting for my tea water to boil. My home teacher called and asked if I needed anything done.

So he came over and did my yardwork So today I thank the ward for all the good that they do. I bless you for it ...cause you all are nice people ....well most of you... I have some problems with some of you and also my health.

Today I pray that Heavinly father will heal the wart on my has been just killing me. so anyway I thank you I thank god ... love my husband even though I have not seen him in months....I know God will bring him back to me ....well I gatta go now the Bishop just whispered to me time was up...I love the Bishop I bless you too. Ok bye now thank you every body....

OH I SAY THIS with all my heart....In the name of all that is good and holy his blessed son the redememer the lord of life...

bye thanks for coming....

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Posted by: dagny ( )
Date: November 08, 2017 10:06PM

When I was a teen, the three teacher guys at the sacrament table sat there practically the whole time like the three monkeys: One had his hands over his eyes, the next had hands over his ears, and the third had hands over his mouth.

Eventually people in the congregation started to snicker. The bishop had to give them a dirty look to make them knock it off.

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Posted by: txrancher ( )
Date: November 08, 2017 10:41PM

I was in the bishopric and the bishop was out of town...I had to conduct. I forgot the little sacrament prayer card--and of course I didn't have either prayer memorized--so I opened either the BOM or D&C (I can't remember which) to find the prayer and follow along.

The priest kept making a mistake and I kept giving him the shake of my head.

As I recall, I finally went over and instructed him where he was making the mistake. "It's supposed to be "XXXX XXXXX XXXX...." He corrected it.

Apparently either the BOM or D&C version has a different word or two--and I don't mean "wine" is changed to "water," so apparently I was giving bad info, lol. Somehow, sometime later I realized that there was a little difference there. Oops.

I wonder how many camping trips have relied on that scripture and it's not accurate...hahaha

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/08/2017 10:42PM by txrancher.

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Posted by: pugsly ( )
Date: November 09, 2017 01:15AM

My cousin was passing sacrament for the first time. A tiny elderly woman picked up two pieces of bread. My cousin smacked her hand and yelled " you only get one piece!"

My mother was giving her testimony. As she was leaving the podium her pantyhose which were two sizes too small rolled down to her mid calf and she had to hop/shuffle out of the chapel.

My dad walked to the front of the chapel to give his testimony with a four foot streamer of toilet paper hanging out from under his suit jacket.

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Posted by: holycarp ( )
Date: November 10, 2017 03:12PM

The pantyhose story reminded me of a similar situation I was in at work.

I worked at a bank and my desk was between the deposit/withdrawal slip station and the teller line. I went over to the deposit station to greet a customer I was friendly with and my pantyhose started to roll down - they were on the opposite side so they could not see what I was doing so I worked my nylons to my feet, slipped them off and wadded them in my hand. I had the key to the deposit box with me so I casually opened the box and threw them in there.

At the end of the day another manager (a man) opened the box and pulls out my hose - the look on his face was priceless...he laughed for 10 minutes.

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Posted by: MexMom ( )
Date: November 09, 2017 01:41AM

I can't beat any of these! OFLMAO
I haven't laughed this hard for awhile. I needed that. Thanks folks.

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Posted by: yorkie ( )
Date: November 09, 2017 07:24AM

Twin toddlers were sat on their parents knees in front of me in sacrament meeting. When the sacrament was being passed there was an altercation between them because one got a bigger piece of bread than the other. Still not happy when the water was passed, one of the boys grabbed a cup and threw it and the water at his brother.
I was helpless with laughing.

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Posted by: fromdahood ( )
Date: November 09, 2017 12:32PM

Dad was a district 70s in Germany in the 80s so we would travle to different wards quite often.
In some cities the water had a real bad aftertaste. So at sacrement I would go for the bread just fine but when the water was passed out I had my little sister be the taste checker first. I would drink the water depending on whether she gave me a nod of approval of a stank face. Still makes me chuckle

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Posted by: mightybuffalo ( )
Date: November 10, 2017 12:04AM

Anyone ever pass/bless/prepare/take the sacrament under the influence?

SWI: sacrament while intoxicated?

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Posted by: mrsnotasiplanned ( )
Date: November 10, 2017 03:59AM

Last f&t mtg., a man from a nearby ward got up and talked about how he hadn't been to church in 45 years, until he returned in 20teen something. However, even though he didn't attend, he ALWAYS paid his tithing, knowing he couldn't obtain heaven if he didn't. He proceeded to take out his recommend and show it to the congregation, while stating the things you need to do to obtain the celestial kingdom.
I wanted to give him a gold star.

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Posted by: valkyriequeen ( )
Date: November 10, 2017 01:20PM

After the closing prayer during one fine sacrament meeting, a little boy shouted: AMEN!! Let's go HOME!"

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Posted by: Road Worrier ( )
Date: November 10, 2017 02:35PM

When I was a teacher, I spotted a typo on the sacrament blessing cue card. "Remember" was spelled "remeber,"

Any deviation from the prescribed sacrament blessing renders the blessing null and void. And because no teacher ever recited the blessing as it was misprinted, no good ever came of the ceremony.

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Posted by: Jaxson ( )
Date: November 10, 2017 04:09PM

Waaaaaayyy back in the day when they used to pass the sacrament during the Sunday School opening exercises…and they used to have a “practice” hymn…and “two and a half minute” talks…and we sat together as a class, etc., my buddy brought some Fizzies with him to church (For the youngsters here who don’t know what Fizzies are - He passed a few out to us and we proceeded to put about 3/4 of the Fizzie in our mouths, and dropped 1/4 of the Fizzie into a sacrament water cup as the tray went past us. As the tray was passed back down the row in front of us, we could see about a half-dozen cups that were red, purple, orange, yellow, and brown just fizzin’ away like soda pop. Good times.

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Posted by: Aquarius123 ( )
Date: November 10, 2017 07:03PM

We had a really old guy in our ward, who was loved by all. He was an agriculturist and grew collards. (This is the deep south.) He went to sleep every Sunday during sacrament. The poor guy had been asked and agreed to do closing prayer. When time for closing prayer, someone gently prodded him, telling him it was time to go to the podium. That guy got up there and was giving a talk. The bishop finally got him to sit down and gave the prayer himself.

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Posted by: Vegas_Eddie ( )
Date: November 11, 2017 01:31AM

I grew up in a ward with a pretty big youth program. We had a couple snobby, holier than thou, never do wrong priests that took the sacrament stuff pretty seriously. During this time I was a teacher and regularly had to set up the bread and water trays. I felt like the do-gooders needed to lighten up a bit. So one week I brought a small wrench and loosened about half of the bolts that hold the handles on the trays so that when picked up the handles would just come right off.
It was quite a sight watching them get all red faced as they tried to pick up the trays and only got handles!
Had to lie my way thru several bishop interrogations after that one!

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Posted by: Kami ( )
Date: November 12, 2017 05:27PM

There was a priest in my ward growing up who messed up the sacrament prayer and exclaimed, "Oh sh*t" into the microphone. As a ten-year-old, I was appalled.

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