Date: November 26, 2017 06:52PM
It could be a diversion by your wife to cite concerns about vasectomy risks as a reason for you not to have one. Perhaps it could help (although it's too late this time) to show her a list of potential complications from a respected source (i.e. look up Mayo Clinic online).
Then compare the risks of pregnancy in older women (to both mother and fetus), again from a reliable source. These risks would seem to be obviously greater than with vasectomy, which is a brief, simple outpatient procedure not known to cause unacceptable risks.
So of the two of you, it is your wife who is taking the greater (and much longer and more challenging) risk by multiple pregnancies, especially in her waning childbearing years.
If risk is the only consideration it would make sense to go with the lesser one.
However, common sense is not usually the prevailing driver of the desire to have babies. Still, it may be instructive to lay out for her her excuse of risk to you of a minor surgical procedure next to hers of a nine-month odyssey and the trials of childbirth, especially at her age. She could actually not have thought it through logically. And it may just be an excuse because she does, as you say, want to keep getting pregnant. At least she could be honest about that, you'd hope.
Much more difficult to overcome is the religious belief in Mormonism that innumerable spirit babies are desperately waiting for a human vessel to give them earthly life. My one Mormon friend was intense about this too. She already had four sons, the oldest a teen while the last was still pre-school. She talked a lot about all those spirit children "still waiting". It made me tired just to calculate how many years some Mormon women spend being pregnant and raising children.
Again, an appeal to reason in this situation is not likely to result in an easy change of mind.
You are facing the unwelcome prospect, as this point in your life, of another child to feed and raise. Perhaps too you are shocked, even outraged, at your wife's stubborn persistence to do only what she wants instead of accepting that something this major in your lives should be a shared decision, especially now and especially given your ages. I don't really know how you combat her single-minded intention, given this aspect of her religious belief (spirits waiting for bodies). (That sounds creepy to nevermos, btw).
Perhaps you could now prevail upon her to agree that this is absolutely the last child. Maybe an agreement from her on that could at least stem your possible panic over seeing no end to this - what if she wants to not stop until menopause? (Yikes!) Too, if her pregnancy this time is more difficult, and/or the delivery is, maybe she will decide herself it's the last time (or maybe her doctor might suggest or recommend that).
I agree with the others who have mentioned no sex without reliable birth control. I don't know, though, how much that would affect your wife's choices in future. For now, while she is pregnant, it's not even an issue.
You may want to think of how to try and bring yourself down off the chandelier, for your own physical and mental health. I'm sure this must be utterly frustrating, anger-inducing, depressing even. Maybe it feels like calamity thinking of the next 20 years of child-raising still rather than gradually gaining relative freedom as your current youngest children finally set out on their own at some point. When I have a problem and I see/feel only the big picture I can easily get feeling overwhelmed. Usually, if I break it down into smaller bits I can cope, such as not focusing too far down the road at first but mostly looking at what I need to do this day, this week, this month - a step at a time as they say - rather than feeling the weight of a whole big issue all at once, which can be paralyzing.
So maybe can you think about your five top issues around this and address them, in your own mind but also with your wife as/when/if appropriate, and then go from there? It might help you to feel somewhat more in control. Your wife's approach, understandably, seems to have taken that away from you and feeling like you've lost control of your own life and choices can be panic-inducing. Maybe think about what you can do now, then down the road, and into the future. (As I said, if I chop problems up into smaller pieces like that I can better handle them and see and achieve the best solutions. It's hard though when your solutions may depend on other people).
I hope you can resolve this, although obviously it's major. I hope it helps to talk to fellow RfMers, many of whom have been there, done that. Many have excellent comments and advice to give. And they care, even though it's mostly all only in cyberspace.