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Posted by: kathleen ( )
Date: January 07, 2018 02:02AM

Just wondering.

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Posted by: Whiskeytango ( )
Date: January 07, 2018 02:16AM

Yes.

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Posted by: kathleen ( )
Date: January 07, 2018 03:04AM

Thanks, Whiskeytango. :)

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Posted by: NormaRae ( )
Date: January 10, 2018 10:51AM

Yes, but it's all computerized now. The patriarch gets on the secret blessing program and inputs the person's name, age, race, gender, weight, suspected sexual orientation, health status, education level, career goals, info gleaned from bishop's sex interviews, parents' names, parents' tithing status, family church activity status, where parents served missions, known connections to G.A.s, seminary attendance, mission preparation status, connections to known apostates, and other info.

Also, when the bishop is interviewing them for a PB recommend, he is to offer them a glass of water and swabs a DNA sample from it after they leave to submit for purposes of determining ethnicity.

Then the program produces a blessing that is faith promoting, a little prophetic, a little miraculous, a little emotional and a seems very cautionary. Each paragraph ends with a different way of saying "based on your worthiness." Then is is loaded into a teleprompter that is turned on after everyone has bowed their heads and closed their eyes. It is to be read in a sing-songy, slightly emotional G.A. voice.

The old-fashioned way of letting the old geezer go off on tangents about guarding your virtue with your very life or being alive for the second coming or being promised a worthy husband and lots of children, etc. is unsustainable. It causes too much questioning of penishood inspiration when someone marries a wife beater, is infertile and gets cancer in her 30s so won't see the coming of the Lard.

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Posted by: smirkorama ( )
Date: January 07, 2018 08:26AM

Give ?

I will sell you my PB for a lot less than the 10 percent of your gross income required to convince the BishoPrick that you deserve one!!!!! I will even jazz it up for you, to make it more special IF you feel the need for that. What tribe do you want to be from? Its wide open on that count while I am in charge !!!!

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Posted by: tumwater ( )
Date: January 07, 2018 01:41PM

Smikorama - I hope you realize that you could make a few bucks on the internet creating individualized PBs.

Just a short application form is needed, i.e., name, birthday, location, tribe, gender, etc. Then it's up to your imagination.

People could have PB opening parties, just like those held when someone gets a mission letter.

If you make it big, a 10% finders fee would be appropriate, same a tithing. I'll even give you a TR, actually it'd be a list of beer taverns near you, Tavern Recommends.

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Posted by: kathleen ( )
Date: January 07, 2018 09:34PM

Joseph Smith Sr. was the original patriarch, and he'd sell 'em $2 a throw. And you could get as many as you wanted (for an additional $2 per each.)

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Posted by: kathleen ( )
Date: January 07, 2018 10:04PM

Actually, I've heard some pretty funny ones:

TBM friend's PB: "Yours is a house of healing." Good thing because her hubby is a hypochondriac whom she waits on as fast as her hands and knees can carry her. He's left her a lot of times, but comes back when his bank account needs healing.

TBM Cancer Society Executive at a meeting: Went on for 1 1/2 hours that her PB expounds (at length!) on her WONDERFUL personality. Cancer? Meh! Then back to her WONDERFUL, PERKY, DELIGHTFUL personality--it says so right there in her patriarchal blessing. I sat thinking "shoot me now!"

My ex's PB: "one of God's loyal and noble sons..." The church booted him out a time or three.

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Posted by: smirkorama ( )
Date: January 08, 2018 06:48PM

one favored (stupid) saying from a PB; "you have been given the gift of prayer"

.....thanks for that stunning insight on that exclusive gift!!!!!that might have otherwise gone un noticed!!!!

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Posted by: Dave the Atheist ( )
Date: January 07, 2018 09:38PM

mormon horoscopes.

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Posted by: kathleen ( )
Date: January 07, 2018 10:06PM

Well, they know your date of birth.

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Posted by: Dave the Atheist ( )
Date: January 07, 2018 10:40PM

Would that make them more accurate than normal horoscopes ?

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Posted by: kathleen ( )
Date: January 07, 2018 11:08PM

Nope--just about as inaccurate! I envision the patriarch pulling out his astrology manual before he meets with some poor believer.

The only accurate ones I've seen are are the ones you deliver up here on RfM. I'm waiting for our 2018 forecast. Please don't keep us waiting too long.

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Posted by: readwrite ( )
Date: January 07, 2018 11:17PM

Give out?

They aren't free - I never got one.

To amart/ skeptical I guess.

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Posted by: Babyloncansuckit ( )
Date: January 10, 2018 09:31AM

I got mine for free, which is strange because Joseph Smith Sr charged $4. That’s like a few hundred bucks in today’s money.

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Posted by: Hockeyrat ( )
Date: January 08, 2018 02:19AM

Mine was disappointly genetic. It seemed like everyone was from the tribe of Ephraim. I guess the patriarch had to know something about you. I got mine after a year in the church, so he didn't know much about me. Why is everyone from the tribe of Ephraim?
What about someone who found out they had a bunch of Jewish family members they never knew about and found out through all that f these recent DNA test, and having a parent who was adapted, where must of this cake from.
If they really had the gift, why doesn't anyone get the tribe of Judah in the USA , unless they already know your history ?

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Posted by: scmd not logged in ( )
Date: January 08, 2018 03:28AM

Hockeyrat Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Mine was disappointly genetic. It seemed like
> everyone was from Ephraim. Why is everyone from Ephraim?

ALMOST everyone in North America in the church IS from Ephraim. My parents certainly are, but I'm from Manasseh and one of my three sisters is from [I think] Dan. I know it's an obscure tribe she's from, but I sometimes get mixed up as to which one. She was at BYU when she had her PB, and went to the same patriarch there that I did. I knew the guy was a bit of a visionary (translated; crazy and wanting to make a name for himself). My sister was concerned and asked her bishop at BYU how it could be that two parents from Ephraim could spawn someone from Dan. The bishop's reply was, "I don't know, but don't let it shake your faith." By the time I got mine, I was fully prepared and hoping to be from a really obscure tribe, and was disappointed that it was something so mundane as Manasseh. By the way, we have no hint of Native American ancestry. It's all traced back to Denmark and Sweden and a bit of Norwegian, with just a tiny amount of English, Scottish, and Irish, presumably from the various Viking raids. Ancestry.com backs this up.

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Posted by: elderolddog ( )
Date: January 08, 2018 04:47AM

Did you think that maybe spending the summer at the beach and then getting the PB at the eginning of the school year could have had anything to do with it? Of course I am assuming you take a good tanning...

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Posted by: scmd not logged in ( )
Date: January 10, 2018 02:27AM

elderolddog Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Did you think that maybe spending the summer at
> the beach and then getting the PB at the eginning
> of the school year could have had anything to do
> with it? Of course I am assuming you take a good
> tanning...

I did my time on the beach and did tan really well, but I was also tow-headed and blue-eyed, as was my sister. Who the hell knows what was going through the patriarch's mind? Maybe he was color-blind.

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Posted by: Void K. Packer ( )
Date: January 08, 2018 11:45AM

scmd not logged in Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> My sister was
> concerned and asked her bishop at BYU how it could
> be that two parents from Ephraim could spawn
> someone from Dan. The bishop's reply was, "I don't
> know, but don't let it shake your faith."

Possible, uh, "explanations".

Tribes mutate. Ephraim, Ephraim, Ephraim, Ephraim, bam!, Zebulun.

Tribes come in dominant and recessive alleles. Ephraim, Ephraim, Ephraim, Ephraim, bam!, Naphtali.

The 80-something sweet spirit sister that transcribed the blessing had a bit of dyslexia. Ephraim and Dan are easy to confuse.

Your sister came from a non-paternal union and the biological father was from Dan. Since repented of as outlined in The Miracle of Forgiveness, but nothing can be done about the tribal thingy.

God is testing her faith. Even the very elect can be deceived.

Stake "Patriarchs" make it all up.

My Bayesian priors lead me to strongly predict one of those explanations. YMMV.

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Posted by: scmd not logged in ( )
Date: January 10, 2018 02:31AM

I have to admit that it did cause me to question whether or not the Maytage repairman or mailman could have been invloved with either my sister's or my paternity, but all six of us siblings look a whole lot alike, as in our baby pictures, if they weren't labeled, would be interchangeable, and if anything, we look more like my dad than my mom. Then again, Who the hell knows? Maybe my mom was the ward slut.




Void K. Packer Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> scmd not logged in Wrote:



> --------------------------------------------------
> -----
> > My sister was
> > concerned and asked her bishop at BYU how it
> could
> > be that two parents from Ephraim could spawn


> > someone from Dan. The bishop's reply was, "I
> don't
> > know, but don't let it shake your faith."
>
> Possible, uh, "explanations".

> Tribes mutate. Ephraim, Ephraim, Ephraim, Ephraim,
> bam!, Zebulun.
>
> Tribes come in dominant and recessive alleles.
> Ephraim, Ephraim, Ephraim, Ephraim, bam!,
> Naphtali.
>
> The 80-something sweet spirit sister that
> transcribed the blessing had a bit of dyslexia.
> Ephraim and Dan are easy to confuse.
>
> Your sister came from a non-paternal union and the
> biological father was from Dan. Since repented of
> as outlined in The Miracle of Forgiveness, but
> nothing can be done about the tribal thingy.
>
> God is testing her faith. Even the very elect can
> be deceived.
>
> Stake "Patriarchs" make it all up.
>
> My Bayesian priors lead me to strongly predict one
> of those explanations. YMMV.

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Posted by: kathleen ( )
Date: January 08, 2018 05:54AM

I’m wondering if Ephraim even existed.
Lost tribes? I’m sure they’re somewhere!

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Posted by: Dave the Atheist ( )
Date: January 08, 2018 08:37AM

The lost tribes are living inside of hollow earth.

I think mormons should get multiple PBs over the years just to see if their "tribe" changes.

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Posted by: smirkorama ( )
Date: January 08, 2018 06:43PM

EXACTLY !!!!

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Posted by: ificouldhietokolob ( )
Date: January 08, 2018 01:01PM

kathleen Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I’m wondering if Ephraim even existed.
> Lost tribes? I’m sure they’re somewhere!


According to the bible, Jacob elevated the descendants of Ephraim and Manasseh (the two sons of Joseph and his Egyptian wife Asenath) to the status of full tribes in their own right, replacing the tribe of Joseph.

In the Bible's version of events, the period from the conquest of Canaan under the leadership of Joshua until the formation of the first Kingdom of Israel, passed with the tribes forming a loose confederation, described in the Book of Judges. Modern scholarship has called into question the beginning, middle, and end of this picture and the account of the conquest under Joshua has largely been abandoned. The Bible's depiction of the 'period of the Judges' is widely considered doubtful. The extent to which a united Kingdom of Israel ever existed is also a matter of ongoing dispute.

( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twelve_Tribes_of_Israel )

At any rate, the peoples of Europe didn't descend from any ancestors in bronze-age Palestine. Neither did any of the Native Americans mormons call "Lamanites." So even if the tribes and their namesakes existed, the vast majority of people claimed by mormons to be in their "tribes" didn't descend from them.

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Posted by: kathleen ( )
Date: January 08, 2018 06:11PM

Thanks, Hie! :)

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Posted by: tutu ( )
Date: January 10, 2018 08:48AM

Which means you're paying 10%.

Must have an interview with Bishop &/or temple recommend.

My Dad has given his Great Grandkids their PBs.

Funny thing.....I never got one. And Dad was the stake Patriarch.

I listened to a couple of his on a cassette tape.
(boring)
But before & after conversation was interesting.
Dad learned some info from the "one to be blessed".

And there was something said about us adult kids.....not
being active but having free choice. WOW.
I need to find that tape......listen again.

Tutu

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