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Posted by: startinganew123 ( )
Date: January 11, 2018 09:01PM

So, I’m new to this board. I’m still a TBM as far as everyone but my husband knows. I haven’t taken any steps yet. I’ve been working out some nagging concerns on this board to help give me the courage. I resolved the concern of finding a new community on a previous post. This post is about my concerns that my awesome husband is still a TBM and how this divide will affect my three kids (6, 4, and 1). My husband was raised in a divided household and he’s awesome so you’d think that would give me comfort except his brother committed suicide and I can’t help but wonder how confusion played a factor in his depression. Family scripture study and prayer are very much a part of our routine. I’m atheist now and personally, the Mormon teaching I struggle the most with is this dependence on getting life’s answers from the Holy Spirit. It played a major role in my struggle with mental health (E.g. After the birth of my first son, i thought the spirit confirmed I should try to kill myself). And I see how this teaching has destroyed my friend because the spirit keeps telling her to do or not do all these things that are contrary to what she really wants (aka she’ll move across the country or break up with someone she really loves). So she’s both super neurotic and miserable. Anyway, I digress. The point is, how do we have a united family without confusing the heck out of our kids?

Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 01/11/2018 09:05PM by startinganew123.

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Posted by: BYU Boner ( )
Date: January 11, 2018 09:27PM

As I mentioned in your previous post, begin with working on your issues with a skilled therapist and invite your husband to join you when you feel comfortable inviting him.

Having a faith difference doesn’t have to be the end of a marriage; but, to be honest, it’s going to be hard if he’s a TBM. The two of you can build a marriage with common goals and strong communications.

Although his brother’s death was tragic, that doesn’t mean your husband is contemplating or will be a suicide-completer.

Best wishes!

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Posted by: pollythinks ( )
Date: January 11, 2018 09:29PM

This question is complex, so start with the basics.

That is, your husband's feelings about how to raise the kids (being a TBM), vs. your now being an atheist.

It strongly appears to me that the two of you need to, first, sit down together and discuss these differences, and (hopefully) come to agreement as to how to handle this situation with the children.

That is, let the kids decide if they want to go to church with their father, or not. Also, let them know that you (the mother) no longer believe in the things that the church teaches, which is why you don't go anymore.

Do let them talk this out with you and your husband, and assure them that they will be loved no matter what path they decide to take-- and that they will always be free to change their mind at any time, and that this will not effect your love for them.

Best Wishes,

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Posted by: Heartless ( )
Date: January 11, 2018 10:06PM

Might I suggest targeted scripture study or using children's illustrated bibles to teach values you and your husband can agree on.

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Posted by: never logged in ( )
Date: January 11, 2018 11:34PM

Priority decision is what to do w/ the kids WRT the church.

Is Hubs OK with the heavy Primary indoctrination, esp. things like the uber-culty "Follow the prophet, he knows the way"?

For the boys, the over-the-top mission brainwashing; "I Hope They Call Me On a Mission"?

For the girls, the unhealthy fixation on "modesty" and licked cupcake lessons? Do you and Hubs want your girls to view themselves simply as baby-makers, in case their own preferences and goals lie elsewhere?

Is he OK w/ baptizing 8-yr-olds into a lifetime "covenant" even though they have no inkling of what any of it actually means, or what the church expects of them as a result of their so-called "choice"?

As the kids age, teach them to think independently, critically, and to trust themselves, not just to swallow the church stories and rely on the "prophet" to do their thinking for them.

Other than that, you know Hubs best. Maybe once in a while express your distress w/ plural marriage & your fervent hope he doesn't plan to take any celestial sister wives.

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Posted by: summer ( )
Date: January 12, 2018 12:07AM

Mormons tend to be subject to all-or-nothing, black and white thinking. They are also conditioned to obey. Other denominations often feel free to disagree with certain church policies or teachings. I remember growing up Catholic hearing my relatives disagree with one of the Pope's pronouncements or with a given teaching. I remember once hearing my dad softly disagree with what a priest was saying during mass. Questioning what "authorities" say is a valuable skill. It won't harm your kids to think things through and come to their own conclusions.

You will need to come to an agreement with your husband about how to raise your kids, but don't discount your own point of view. You have as much right to present your own thoughts as he does.

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Posted by: praydude ( )
Date: January 13, 2018 02:24AM

I agree with this posting. Your husband is in a cult. You can try your best to mitigate the cult's influence but hopefully he will come out of it.

Black-and-white thinking is a way mormons (and other cults) simplify our thinking. It makes it easy to cast everything into the "bad" bucket and discount anything that doesn't support the cult's direction.

Beware of mechanisms that are really shortcuts to critical thinking. Look up logical fallacies on google and get to know how they are used. If you read the list on wikipedia you will find mormons use all of them. They use a few of them with unmitigated aplomb.

Good luck and my heart goes out to you and your family.

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Posted by: GNPE ( )
Date: January 12, 2018 12:59AM

Can U agree that 'religion' is a deeply personal, individual matter, not to be imposed or enforced?

that might be a start.

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Posted by: anonuk ( )
Date: January 12, 2018 06:31AM

I started with 'jesus wasn't baptised til he was 30' - this gave me some breathing space with relatives as it is not a statement mormons have been primed to respond to and is not 'thought blocked' either, so makes them think just a teeny, tiny, little bit before they dismiss it. This was when my eldest approached 8. I am not nor ever have been in your situation - I married a never mo and only started going back to church after a twenty odd year hiatus because I had kids.

I recently discovered my brother in law is done with church too, this may or may not have anything to do with my apostacy, but happened after my younger sister decided she had the right to call me out in my own home for my disbelief. I didn't give her the opportunity, but she had to listen to my hubby talking about the things I had discovered (gospel topics contents) and some stuff he had read about captain kidd's treasure, etc (more outlandish 'anti-mormon' claims).

So, this christmas, after I had learned of my bro-in-law's predicament (and my sister's ensuing dillemma) I left scripture references in my sister's gift so she has to look it up. She's that nosy that she would have to, since me quoting scripture is something NONE of my mormon family would ever expect.

D&C 74 verse one & first corinthians 7 verse fourteen

For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; else were your children unclean, but now are they holy.


14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his believing wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy.

I used these scriptures to kind of give my sister and her husband the ammunition they need against pressure from other family or church members to split up, which will come at some point.

I have no other help for you but trust some advice given in the thread(s) will help you navigate your path through this coming storm.

Please, please, learn about emotional abuse and do not stand for it and teach your children what it is and how to overcome it, it is not always just mere 'peer pressure'; it can be far more pernicious.

Your children need you and you can do this for them - you will be a better mother than any example you have been given.

Best wishes for a productive year.

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Posted by: sparty ( )
Date: January 12, 2018 07:02AM

First and foremost, I would sit down and have an honest discussion with your husband. Start by letting him know that you no longer believe - no amount of testimony bearing, doorstep cookies, or missionary visits is going to change that. Let him know that you still love him (if still true) and that you are interested in hearing what would make this easier for him. Hear him out - maybe you will be able to meet in the middle, maybe his requests will be ridiculous and get you nowhere. At least you tried to start an open, honest dialog. After that, I would strongly encourage a therapist. If you struggle with mental health, the journey out of the church will be extra brutal. I struggle with anxiety - the constant phone calls and missionary visits made me feel like I was being chased and had nowhere that was safe. Invite your husband to join you.

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Posted by: icanseethelight ( )
Date: January 12, 2018 04:48PM

While I am not a fan of lying, I would NOT just announce that you are done one day. I did it. My marriage survived but we have a divided household and my DW has a LOT of resentment because I let my kids make their own decisions.

Stop, slow down, and let him take the journey with you. If you have addressed this previously I am sorry but I cannot emphasize enough the need to slowly make them aware of your concerns and find out if they can make the same connections you have at their own pace.

Good luck.

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Posted by: chipace ( )
Date: January 13, 2018 01:00AM

Sounds like your TBM husband hit the lottery... If he could just realize that he is the only one standing in his path to 10% more income, 50% more free time and 100% less drama. It took me 3 years married to a novermo before I woke up and got out (that and my younger brother left first).
The first 5 years of my marriage was amazing, I would do anything for her and she would do anything for me. If she had not been so amazing i probably would not have left the TSCC. Be the amazing wife that is better than all the TBM wives. Hopefully you haven't married a conceited guy who gets off on the church powertrip.
Just my $0.02

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Posted by: praydude ( )
Date: January 13, 2018 02:37AM

Yea!!!! I love this story! It it so true! My nevmo wife is the most amazing person I know! She showed me through her actions what it really means to care for other people. She doesn't talk the talk but she walks the walk.

She was the one who got me out on my first protest - ever. It was for opposing CA prop 8. That was a big deal for me but I'm proud of myself for having done it. My wife saves lives every time she goes to work (She's an amazing labor-and-delivery nurse at the local hospital).

I'm not saying you have to be a nurse or even (gasp) a liberal. All i'm saying is be your truest self and your husband will find his way out by looking at your example. More than the rhetoric, or the "logical" arguments, what got me out was realizing my amazing wife was the best person I ever met - and she was not a mormon.

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