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Posted by: Anontoday ( )
Date: January 17, 2018 05:32PM

My narcissistic sister is bipolar and has some rather serious medical issues as well. Thus, she takes quite a lot of medication. My sister is also an R.N. but has been retired for three years and doesn't work for anyone. She lives on disability.

My mother just received a letter (actually a scrawled message) with multiple misspellings and ranting. The gist of the message was that sis will no longer be able to visit my mother at the nursing home. (Sis visited Mom a total of three times in all of 2017). She gave her reasons for not coming as: "I have taken an oath as an RN to observe the HIPPA laws. By coming to visit you when you have me on your records as "Do not contact" would be a violation of HIPPA laws and could land me in jail. I also cannot cash the birthday check you sent me because it has your address on it and that would also be a violation for me to cash a check with your personal address because I am a health care professional and must keep information like that private. I love you and care very much about you and pray to God that He will soften your heart and encourage you to take me off your "Do not contact" list."

What does all this mean? It appears that the "Do not contact" list is simply the Medical Power of Attorney designation on my Mom's health care records. In our state only one person can have that designation and it is me, not Sis. So, this does not mean that my sister cannot visit my my mother. It simply means that the nursing home is not to contact Sis regarding questions about Mom's health care issues because I am the only authorized Medical Power of Attorney and Sis is not. Sis seems to have the impression that we are trying to hide things from her regarding Mom and is pissed. She also thinks she is the "Queen of All Things Medical" with regard to our family and believes nothing should be withheld from her. I went to great lengths to inform all of Mom's doctors that it was okay for my sister to ask about Mom's medical conditions if she ever chooses. However, Sis cannot make medical decisions for my mother. She can only be informed.

AAAAAAnyway, Mom thinks Sis has lost her noodle completely. Actually, so do I. The garbled message actually looked like the scrawling of someone drunk or otherwise under the influence. When Sis gets like this she usually uses Facebook to rail about her awful family and how unloved she is. Mom is just going to ignore the letter and go on with life as usual.

I'm sharing this because I know many of you here have narcissistic family members who go off on tangents like this. There is nobody else I can share this garbage with so I picked you nice folks on RfM. Thanks. I feel better!

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Posted by: dagny ( )
Date: January 17, 2018 05:55PM


Gee, I wonder why mom has her on a Do Not Contact list and picked you instead! :-D

Sis is just pissed mom likes you best and no on respects her medical-know-it-all authority. She's retired for cripes sakes. Sounds like she wants to play HIPPA authority. What a laugh.

Honestly, it's enough to make you want to move far, far away!
(Glad I'm not the only one with crazy siblings.)

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Posted by: Sis ( )
Date: January 17, 2018 06:00PM

Moom awlays liked you best!!

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Posted by: ANON 3 ( )
Date: January 17, 2018 06:12PM

Is it possible that her doctors have given her a new and wonderful drug mix that has sent her up the walls? Sounds like she is going thru a manic stage. Could you send letter to her Dr.?

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Posted by: Anontoday ( )
Date: January 17, 2018 07:34PM

I have no idea who her doctors are. I only know her dentist. She keeps most of her friends and life a secret from us. We are, however, expected to open our entire lives to her completely for her observation and scrutiny. I once went to a funeral without telling her and she didn't talk to me for an entire year. Maybe I"ll get lucky and she'll take another year to punish Mom and me by withdrawing herself from out lives.

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Posted by: MnRN ( )
Date: January 18, 2018 11:57PM

Late to this thread...while it sounds like your sister definitely has some features of narcissistic personality disorder, she also displays some behaviors consistent with borderline personality disorder. Both diagnoses make those unfortunate enough to be obliged to deal with them want to run far far away.
She is displaying a behavior called confabulation, which means she is making incorrect statements,or lying and making things up to make herself feel better and appear more functional than she is, possibly in an effort to conceal her own cognitive deficits. The more she feels she is not included, the more this behavior will escalate, because it is all about her and her needs. Borderlines love drama and when none exists they will create it to get attention. Another hallmark behavior is that she tells you and anyone else who will listen that either you are the best person/nurse/sister in the world, up on a pedestal, or the absolute worst, down in the garbage and beyond redemption. For people like your sister, there is no in-between, and in-between is the level where most people live their lives. Obviously you and your mom and other functional individuals do not fit well in the framework created by people with these disorders.
Her understanding of HIPAA is totally off base, and again serves her own need to be portrayed as a victim who needs attention. But you can bet that the staff at your Mom's nursing home is ecstatic that you are the contact and decision maker. Nurses have to waste a lot of time that should be spent with patients dealing with dysfunctional demanding relatives such as your sister. She is in dire need of a therapist, from your description, but probably is in denial that there is anything amiss.
And there are toxic people like this in every profession, including nursing. I wonder if there is some dementia setting in as well. (Nurses cannot diagnose unless they are practicing at the masters level, but we are legally obligated to "suspect"). Hang in there; you are doing everything right, and any health professional who interacts with your sister will quickly realize that she is not a trustworthy source of information and has her own unmet needs.

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Posted by: crooked mile ( )
Date: January 17, 2018 06:51PM

Yeah, I think youre right, her misuse of terms - not likely to be a misunderstanding. Either off the deep end, totally pissed or a mix of both.

I know how difficult it can be to maintain coolness when dealing with a nutty family member. My sister once tried to "exorcise" Satan and god knows who else out of me, because I wouldn't agree with her demands - anymore. Full-blown, self-medicating narcissist with long-term, untreated PTSD. :/ "I'd like to be alone alone now" didn't work, all the way through to "I'll call 911 if you don't leave." The cops came, and when they pulled in the drive, she went out.

So, peace to you, friend. I know how it feels.

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Posted by: Anontoday ( )
Date: January 17, 2018 07:09PM

Thanks. I've heard some people say that narcissists can get better as they age but I'm not seeing any sign of that. Sis is 65 and the crazy just keeps coming.

Over the years I've noticed that Sis gets incensed if she thinks she is being ignored or shut-out. Not answering her "letter" will either make her more angry or she'll realize we didn't fall for her fake HIPPA claims and she'll act like she never sent the letter.

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Posted by: Aquarius123 ( )
Date: January 17, 2018 06:51PM

((((Anontoday)))) Hugs and love to you! You are suffering through an awful situation. I'm glad you see the situation for what it really is. Be very good to yourself through this.

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Posted by: summer ( )
Date: January 17, 2018 07:11PM

Maybe the best course of action would be to maintain a sense of humor about her antics the best you are able. I think that dealing with Bipolar would be very, very tough, especially combined with other medical issues. Your sister got dealt a bad hand. It's a shame that your frail mother has to deal with this as well.

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Posted by: incognitotoday ( )
Date: January 17, 2018 07:16PM

‘The Shining’ is near...

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Posted by: kathleen ( )
Date: January 17, 2018 07:58PM

I suspected that we have the same sister, and when you said she's 65, I said, Yep, that's her!

No, it doesn't get better with age. Mine was that way from a very, very young age.

And I have never been able to help her. Neither has our brother.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/17/2018 07:59PM by kathleen.

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Posted by: Topper ( )
Date: January 17, 2018 09:45PM

NPD people love to create drama. It's the only way they can feel alive. It's because a part of their brain is on low power, and must be stimulated by the drama.

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Posted by: paintingnotloggedin ( )
Date: January 21, 2018 09:10PM

Wow. what an awful experience. Its too bad for all involved folks still apparently live in the same locale. And very sad the toxic family theme keeps getting replicated. Very sad.

I am sad for your mother becoming older and fragile needing care, and still managing altercations or critical interactions between her children. I am sad that as my cousin once employed for Days of our Lives writing said you see most things in soap operas are from real families (just not all at once. Its an incident from hundreds of families events all put in one moment) Its too bad for your family someone toxic didn't move, or break away or get cut off so both sides would have peace. Maybe its not too late for peace in the family or for your mothers last years to be uneventful comfortable and peaceful- possibly your self absorbed annoying sister will go away and not communicate which sounds like something you would appreciate. Its too bad it didn't happen sooner you could have had more peace. Since your mom is connecting to you perhaps you're closest so you don't really need her help anyways. I hope that any other family members who might have learned borderline conduct or be born manic depressive (one is learned from borderline establishing behavior before kindergarten I think, the other seems genetic) have disapated and abandoned the homestead sufficient to leave it in peace. Maybe these folks cousins, siblings, what have you, great aunts who ever maybe they just live somewhere else? Then it would be more peaceful- obviously horrid to have to endure aunties and uncles and counsins and siblings drama with a genetic disorder like manic depression among them. I don't know how you can stand it, and sort of hand it to you, to stand in there, and stand in there for you mom, among all those toxic sounding family members. God sometimes it helps to be adopted. sheesh. I don't know how you do it. I'd want to clear out- how many years of rudeness have come at or your mom through this sibling a sister right? oh Those are the worst. God I'm glad I don't have a sister about now, to read about your experience, Jesus. How can you stand it. I chose my sister. She's my oldest friend. named a kid for her. She travels a lot. neat destinations to meet her at. I had the privelige to just go out, meet someone, fall in love with them, and be a sister I got to stand in for them at a wedding when they were on another continent for the military. But your sister by birth sounds like the worst scourge of the earth and you had to communicate with them all your life?
God. and the church says families are forever huh. kinda like hell. But don't tell your mom, she might not be able to handle it (if she's tbm.)

I do not know how you can stand it seriously. some one you love so much needing assistance and then a sister bothering them being rude to them, if not to you. that's worse being rude to you mom. I don't know if there are medications for people who don't like you. I'm not sure if your sister sounds like she likes you maybe sibling rivalry happens among seniors? No body's publishing on that. Leaving you with all the work, conveniently saying she is through, right when you mom is in a care facility and maybe you could use the help, or extra visiting and stuff. SHEESH her timing really couldn't be worse to inconvenience and cause her mom and you pain. I am so sorry this is happening. Being related, it might be triggering past incidents of stunning rudeness your sister threw at you through the years actually.

I don't know what makes family members so different, but I heard a mother is a different person when they are twenty or fortyfive, as is their household. So the older siblings have different culture and past than the very youngest in these huge families. Perhaps this is what happened to you sadly and built such distance and differences. Are you even related? is it possible she was adopted? or are you? that would figure everything out. Maybe you're one with the good genes. Is everyone around you bi polar its genetic. That would be so hard to be the only calm one. sigh. Did you see the vignette going around facebook about the little identical twin girls driving a tiny car- and one smiled and pushed the other out to take the wheel? That's your sister probably. At least your mom likes you. But where the heck is your sister when you need her- this is so unfair.

Your post really struck a chord with me, and reminded me of the dischord and grief before older family members passed hearing stories around the staff room table on other big farm families, even folks having to take apart of dairy herd and disassemble an ag ranch as the siblings feuded and parents faded. It just resoundingly sounds so very real. I am sad this is so universal, ten percent? of families deal with great tragedies. Hang in there.

I know I go on and on, but your experience calls to mind my husband's sibling, and I would like to let you know that with counseling or assistance they might be brought around to support you properly once again at this trying time. Here's how my husband AND NATURE, WORKED IT OUT. a family member with a professional degree keeps attempting to direct all conversation & when all eat, when they walk, even direct where they drive. That's the sister in law to avoid! Their self absorption & attempts to control their adult siblings are constant, which are acknowledged and gently laughed over with head shaking behind their back for they are dearly loved despite their flaws.

this sister in law claimed one of my children's tumor removal and bone marrow replacement didn't occur, after they demanded every one visit a suicide site at a local bridge, then drive to a cemetary and then proceded to attempt to direct conversation repeadted in reminices of fatalities and hospice among the family. They then proceded to attemptm to secure a communication about medical plans around the table, (six of us were there seated) when it was my turn I said if it has spread I'd hospice. She blinked her eyes and said what? what have you had, I stated the obvious dozen plus procedures, and she said "no they didn't" none of my surgeries happened even the first with the scar right in front of her at the table (can't cover it with clothes) which my husband replied turned to her and said, yes, they did I was there. And we packed up and drove away after my husband went on a fine walk with them, after receiving various criticism (he married a Mormon> he had children young> <they had none> he has an old trailer? he has a truck? we camp? we visit our children? we had, children? his wife had tumors his children had tumors how could they have forgotten> they didn't know> HOW could they not know and addressed this criticial self absorbed over educated dominating family member once and for all. He stated to her: once you have faced dying, you live. Camp while you can. ) On the drive home to me he said, she's amazingly over indulged everybody's favorite. Its like two different families , the older siblings and the younger set of siblings. The younger set were protected from all the sacrifices of the olders made for them buying things working to assist our mother. I'm not calling the younger set back. I belong with (named his older set of siblings by name.) and then that man drove on home in his truck down the highway.

My husband turned to me and said, I am done with that part of the family I am not contacting them again. He was strangely quiet. He rebuilt a camper and did amazing amounts of reconitours around state and national monuments with many grandchildren visits instead of visiting siblings again. Finally he visited family skimming through their area not stopping by despite the 1500 mile drive. It really looked like he'd had it, adult siblings who were rude and unappreciative didn't deserve time with him. I was sad for him.

After a little over a year had gone by, word came to him through one of his various siblings: the dominating self absorbed sibling had gone out and bought a used trailer... Gone camping 20 weekends the last year. Shut the -- up and woke the --- up plus had been caught camping in camp ground not notified about the Santa Rosa fire & had to drive through the flames on either side of the road wondering if they would survive the night.

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Posted by: paintingnotloggedin ( )
Date: January 21, 2018 11:06PM

perhaps your sister can come to some peace & become calm kind and caring once again. I'm hoping so.

I felt enormous grief and pain here hundreds of miles south of Sanfrancisco when I heard about the fast moving and tragic Santa Rosa Fire. My husband and I were filled with horror grief that something so tragic totally devastating occurred with no warning at all, and folks tragically suffered, even those in convaslescent homes. Folks trying to evacuate no warning, and we talked about our regret about not living in the Gods country or high mountains and living in this huge ag farm region hundreds and hundreds of miles south of the beautiful Nor Cal Coast. Those folks in convalescent homes being evacuated due to the fire could have included your mom and you could need your sister to help move her rapidly. it might be important to have her quick help in circumstances like that. I wish you well finding either safe separation from your unkind, ungrateful, and unpleasant sounding sister, OR a safe reunion to facilitate support with simple things like getting your mom's hair done, or bringing flowers to arrange, or doing recreation on the patio.

My husband's dominatrix style sibling who runs the siblings events like a marionette puppet mistress (and with about as little concern for anyone else's intellectual interests as a child meeting a toy puppet instead of an intelligent human with years etched experience )- spoke with him for the first time in 18 months, and seems to have come around about celebrating life now. she woke up hundreds of miles from her home surrounded by flames burning down forest around the campground. No one in the family even knew she would go there no one knew she had gone camping then had to escape the flames of the Santa Rosa fire.

I wish you well and hope the scrawled letter alone serves as sufficient wake up call- to either keep this horrid toxic experience away so you can care for your mom in peace,
or, if they aren't typically actually horrid, or you feel they need you to be their care giver as well as your mom's, then that you find legal counsel to assume legal guardianship over your troubled sibling as well as your mom.

Best to you at this really difficult time. take care of yourself so you can take care of your mom (or everyone else, its up to you) <3 -Painting

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