I’m stuck with a checklist partner who has to visit every single person on the list every month. We have to sit down and talk for nearly an hour and have a lesson, no matter how obvious it is that our families don’t want us to be there.

And even worse, my partner keeps scheduling the appointments so it’s staggered throughout the week. I’ve talked to them about trying to get it all on one day, but they won’t listen.

I’ll just be honest: I’m tired as heck. I work from 7pm to 7am and I’m going to school. I average about 4 hours of sleep a day max. the last thing I want to do between shifts and classes is plan stupid lessons for people who don’t even care.

Is there a way to opt out and tell the bishop or someone that I don’t want to be a home teacher?

I’m happy to help with service projects and stuff but this meeting stuff is killing me.

It is voluntary. They only have the power over you that you give them. No doubt they will try to shame and guilt you but if you don't put yourself and your needs first nobody else will.
Just tell them you can't do home teaching.

You can be as polite as possible, but it still might not be well received.

If you want control of your life, you have to be willing to ruffle a few feathers. It’s not easy, but you need to take care of your own needs.

"If you want control of your life, you have to be willing to ruffle a few feathers. "

Yup!

It is polite to say "No." but many LDS don't think so. Tell your bishop and your partner that it's negatively affecting your health and your grades, and you won't do it any longer.

Remember, it is voluntary. You pay them; they don't pay you, and, if you let it affect your health to the point that it affects your income or future income, they won't make up the difference.

Don't feel guilty. Taking care of yourself is a requirement of life. Imposing on others, them on you and you on the unwilling families, is busy work. You have enough real work to do.

You can be perfectly polite while still setting reasonable boundaries with other people. It's called standing up for yourself.

Say, "No, I'm not going to do that." What you are doing is volunteer labor and you can feel free to unvolunteer yourself. What are they going to do, fire you? Suggest that your partner speak to the leadership about finding another partner who can adhere to his rigid schedule.

Consider that the ward leadership may have paired you with this man because they knew you would put up with him. Stop putting up with him!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/28/2018 01:13PM by summer.

I feel for you. You need sleep. That is ridiculous.

I see that you are a responsible person and sensitive to the families and the assigned partner. It puts you in a very bad situation.

You won't be able to please them all, so you might as well please yourself.

Options:

Cancel and tell the partner you contacted the families. Tell him they said they are fine so there is no need to reschedule.

Tell the partner you know it is important to him and you can't be available at this time, so they need to reassign.


You have got to get more sleep. I know how hard it is to work graveyards and have everyone expect you do things all day.

Wow! A fully active Mormon male doing home teaching! You are as scarce as hens teeth. They will likely yank your chain hard to keep you compliant.

Back to your question. The operative word here is "politely". Yes, you can be polite and refuse the calling of home teacher showing all the grace and respect within you but THEY will respond as if you are the most rude, unfaithful, shirker on God's green earth. Your right to refuse will be totally disregarded unless you have some pretty remarkable, character driven leaders in your ward who recognize that you are being abused and overworked. I wish you luck.

When I converted to Mormonism I was impressed by the fact that they taught "Free Agency". I was told that I would not be forced to do anything I didn't want to do. When I was a working student I refused a calling as Relief Society President. The bishop was shocked at my refusal but he let me go without a fight.

These days things are different. Shame and guilt are used liberally to keep Mormons securely in the flock and taking orders without question. "Free agency" seems to be a teaching long lost to history, and forgotten, in Mormonism.

I suggest you call/write/text/see in person the necessary leader(s), stand your ground, and simply, and politely, state that you are unable to fulfill your calling another month. As of February 1st you will no longer be accepting the calling of home teacher. Then hang-up, walk away, or refuse to return text (as appropriate). You'll likely get a lot of grief. You are exercising your agency and there really isn't much they can do except trash talk you to others, rant, rave, accuse, etc. But you must put yourself first. Your health and well being requires that you not let them use and abuse you.

In my opinion home teaching is an out dated concept. I always wondered why my home teachers didn't just take a few minutes at church to make contact, ask if I was doing well, ask if I needed anything in the way of service, and then leave me alone.

I actually had some visiting teachers who looked like drug dealing gang members and I never let them in my home. Church contact is safer and less intrusive if done in the chapel with others around.

Are you a recent convert or very young? I haven't heard anyone as concerned about politeness with regard to Mormonism as Mormons I know are seldom ever concerned about being polite.

James83

It's happening. You are figuring out that you are being told what life to live and you are all but done with it.

"Who's life am I living?" This is banging around in your head isn't it James?

It's your life! 100%. Time to tell others to back the hell off. Even your partner (in nice words of course) Time to be honest James. Time to grow balls if you want to survive getting the kind of life you want and deserve.

You will never and I mean never, have the life you dream of if you are continuously living others version of your life based on a third party bastardization of what life on planet earth can truly be.

Time to be honest James. Start by being honest with yourself. Let the consequences follow.

Hard choices easy life, easy choices hard life.

Yep, its called "Sorry Im not available that day. I am available on these days at this time for this service."

The first step to doing this is realizing YOU have a say over your own life and how your time is spent. Own it and define your boundaries.

If you want FULLY out of home teaching, you CALL your Bishop and let him know nicely "Due to mental and physical exhaustion, I am going to need to be unassigned to home teaching. I will let you know in the future IF I am available, but right now I have made the decision to maintain a better church/work/life balance"

DO not let them talking you into having an appt to talk it out. If you are unable to leave this message on the phone or talk to him on the phone, write an email, a note, etc. Do not let anyone guilt you into negotiating a change if you have made up your mind to take a HUGE step back. You have already tried to negotiate a change in hours and have been ignored.

Be Well,
RMM

Don't worry, Home Teaching will soon be a thing the church used to do! The church, in conjunction with Amazon, is fine tuning their newest revealed instrument for salvation, the "MoEcho", which every mormon will have in his/her home or apartment or tent. the "MoEcho" stores audio and every hour, at a set time, condenses the audio into a two-second squirt of cellular broadcast back to church headquarters where the audio content is 'unzipped' and analyzed by a righteous, priesthood blessed A.I., who combs through it listening for things the bishop and/or relief society president need to know, in order to properly minister to the individual's needs, or to know when to show up for the party.

Full, proven tithe payers will be given a code word that will shut off the recording process for 20 minutes, each hour. the code word changes every month and the new one is issued by your bishop or branch president after review of your financial status and payment of what you lovingly want to turn over to ghawd.

The fact that people associated with this new program are all signing up for ASL lessons is viewed as being, at best, an interesting phenomenum, and at worst, no big deal so long as tithing revenues go up.

And there you have it, the latest news to be faked and baked!

Put simply:

If you don't take control over your own life, no one else will do it for you.

The reason your church workload is so exhausting is that many other men in your ward have already learned to say "NO." It is time for you to join them.

After you have successfully weathered their storm of guilt and shame, and you are still standing tall, it will be much easier to say "No" on a regular basis. You will love your brand new spine.

Remember, none of your church friends give a royal crap about you or your difficulties. All they care about is keeping you in line and taking advantage of your free labor.

If being polite is so very important, then amend your answer to "No, thank you."

Resignation works wonders for what ails you.

I was waiting for this. Highly recommend.

But politely resign!!

I never found visiting teaching to be voluntary.

I was not allowed to be unassigned, and even though I was a divorced mom working long hours, the VT supervisor insisted on calling every month, and every month I'd say "I told you, I"m not doing that. Don't call me again! If you want to know if anyone was visited, call the other lady!"

I think that was the year I finally resigned, around 2003.

My SIL did visiting teaching years ago. She said they had 2 women on their route that told them to stop coming. One would open the door a crack and yell at them. The other just didn't answer the door. She said they could see the curtains move when someone looked out to see who it was. In speaking with other RS women, they learned that this woman had told her VTs several times years before to quit coming and when they continued she quit opening her door to them.

She said they were required to go knock on their door anyway because the bishop had never seen a member who didn't come around. He said sooner or later they would soften their hearts, or maybe they would need something and would accept the lessons again.

She felt bad about bugging them, and admitted that IRL she would not continue to knock on people's doors after they told her to go away. But she did it anyway because it was The One True Church that told her to do it.

That was back before most people knew you could resign to get them to stop bugging you. Late 80's to very early 90's.

Just say no. Or just don’t do the visits. If you HT a friend u can always call any monthly interaction as a visit. “Hey, how about the Bears game?” HT done.

Keep the conversation short when you decline to do home teaching. Stay cool, do not whine, or beg them to see your point of view.

The more you try to justify, explain, defend your position the more the longer the argument goes on and they will use shame, guilt and finally threats to try and break you.

You will either become depressed or angry. If you become angry they will try to drive you back into depression. If you go into depression, you are likely to hate yourself for not being able to stand up for yourself. Being angry is better than being depressed and you may opt for that and that is okay. Be kind to yourself. Keep it short, respectful and FIRM. Then it is over.

I agree. This is the attitude/approach to take.

It's not a calling (though it's acted as though and thought of as such).

Tell your partner and the bishop or simply ignore all mormon promptings.

Also sacredly (secretly?) tell your families and ask them how they feel.

Stick up for your. Your church (people) won't.

After I was baptized, I told the BP that I did not want to be a VT nor have VTs. He complied.

I did accept a HT. I used to meet with the HT at church until he guy's wife decided that she was going to meet with us as his companion and my VT. I told her that I did not ask for VTs and did not want one. She replied that I was going to be VTd because I was a member of the RS.

At that point, I decided to send my nice HT a monthly email letting him know what is happening in my life and still continue to do so.

If you're an elder, let your elders quorum president know that you need to be released as a home teacher. State your reasons. He will comply.

"Sorry, these meetings are killing me. I have to quit starting now. Hope you find someone else who can help you because I just can't do it anymore."

No matter what they say, don't give in. Just say, "no, sorry, I'm done."

Polite?.....hmmm...I just told my HP geezer I wasn't gonna do it anymore.

There is no polite way. Just tell the bish you are through and he can release you or not-- his choice.

I find it comical (and sad) that Mormons use the term 'released'. They have the members thinking they are literally shackled to their 'callings', and a bishop literally needs to unlock it with a key and give them permission to stop doing it.

Use the "broken record" technique. Come up with a basic sentence such as, "I will not be home teaching anymore." No matter what they say, no matter how guilt inducing, respond with: "I will not be home teaching anymore." Do not add anything to this statement, just say it over and over again exactly. Eventually, the listener will say something like, "So what you're saying is that you won't be doing home teaching anymore." Say "Yes" and walk away.

It's important to give them no information or excuses, no matter how valid. All that accomplishes is to give them ammunition they will twist and use to pressure you.

Years ago, newspaper columnist Miss Manners wrote about the circular excuse. It goes like this:

"I can't do that."
"Why not?"
"Because it's impossible."
"Why is it impossible?"
"Because I just can't do it."
"Why can't you do it?"
"Because it's impossible."

Etc. Sooner or later you wear them out.

Start with borrowing Cheryl’s garden hose.

After you have told them, many many many times, that you do not want to be bothered by any of them in any way. Step one is taking your own power back and saying NO and sticking to it. Time to put on your Big People Pants.

When I was leaving the church, I found it much easier to make my wishes known about callings, visiting teaching and the like by sending emails or texts. Face to face conversations were difficult for me and texts and emails took the pressure off a little and allowed me the opportunity to compose exactly what I wanted to say. It might seem a little wimpy, but it still gets the job done.

It's not wimpy at all. I struggle with anxiety and being able to write it out is easier for me.

A couple of months ago, that's what I did. I sent a note to the high counselor asking to be released from my calling in the stake and I sent a note to both my HP group leader and my HT companion that I wouldn't be able to home teach anymore.

I was released and no one has said anything to me about home teaching (so far). Now, I've noticed they all look at me with that "cautious" look now, but I expected that.

My wife talked to her bishop to be relieved of callings and VT visits. She pleaded that she simply had too much going on with caring for relatives with long-term medical needs, working long hours at her job, and taking her ex to court.

The bishop, who've I've long maintained is a good egg, said, "Fine. Take care of your situation first, and do what service you can when you can."

What a decent man. My mom always took on the impossible calling with the promise that God would bless her the be able to do it.

Later she said that we (six kids) had been neglected. I remember fending for myself during my parents' endless church meetings.

My wife regrets all of the time that she had spent on her callings at the expense of her children (she, too, had six). She thinks they would be less messed up and still Mormon if she had been at home instead of at church meetings.

It's time to take control of your life instead of letting outside stuff control you. Say no, don't give a reason if you don't want to, and only do things that you really need to. You can control this.

Send your bishop an e-mail. Politely explain how busy you are and let him know that you can't commit time to HT anymore. If he tries to lecture you, you can politely (but firmly) tell him that your initial e-mail wasn't a request. If you don't mind me asking, why not just go inactive?

"...Why not just go inactive?"

I was wondering the same thing. Boom! Problem solved.

I wrote a letter to my bishop and EQ president and told them that since part of home teaching is bearing testimony, I would not be doing that anymore because bearing testimony is something I cannot do.

just say NO!

Having been a member of the cult for 4 decades and a home teacher since the age of 8 years old since my old man began dragging my ass out the door I can say most assuredly that Home teaching is hated by all. Although they don't admit it, it is despised by 95% of those that do the actual home teaching and those members that receive the home teachers. It is bar none the most complete waste of time and energy than any other mind numbing activity the cult dishes out. I don't mean to sound sexist here, but I think some of the ladies enjoy visit teaching. However, most males typically cannot stand wasting their time visiting and talking about church. Not only does the cult steal the entire Sunday, and most Saturdays, AND at least one weekday if you are involved in an auxiliary, but place something like "home teaching" onto the pile (even multiple times per month in your case) AND it become sheer insanity.

Sounds like your shelf is starting to break. You are questioning the Hometeaching BS, and you are visiting this site. Start thinking about how nice it would be to be free of this cult. What would it be like to have Sunday off to do whatever you want for the rest of your life? You've been indoctrinated, and so it takes time to pull away from that. Live a life of happiness, not servitude to a cult.

I never refused an assignment ---- but I rarely home taught. My final home teaching assignment was to home teach two families -
the Bishop and his family and a member of the stake presidency and his family. That I did by teaching "The Song of Solomon" for one "interesting" lesson and another from the NT which contradicted the teaching on polygamy (by teaching from Ephesians), and possibly one on the Book for Judith. Thereafter, came my trial on apostasy.

Same for me. I usually accepted callings and usually did a pretty good job of them. HT was just somehow different. Somehow it just was never a priority and rarely got done. And to be honest, I never really felt bad about it. It seemed to me to just be about the EQL and his numbers.

Probably not.
Brace yourself, you will most likely have everyone at your door trying to change your mind.

" No, I won't" , repeated as needed, is a powerful message. Learn to use it.
If you have to work up courage, practice saying it out loud in front of a mirror.

Do not get entangled in any explanations - you owe nothing to Mormonism.

Your hours are horrendous but the cult will use you up for as long as you let them.

If anyone in your quorum feels very strongly that home teaching needs to be done - they can do it themselves.

one of my final straws. HP group leader got wind that I was "non-volunteering" for home teaching. He called me in for a PPI and told me I had no choice in the matter. I told him I would succumb to his theocratic bullshit and I wasn't doing home teaching either. He retreated like a scared rabbit. I was out completely a few months later.

I remember when I was still active in the Church and had just been assigned a new HT companion. It was a friendly older gentleman who had a calling working in the ward library. I stopped by one Sunday to inform him that we had just been assigned as HT companions. His response: "I do not do home teaching". I was floored. I did not what to say. I was stunned that he said that. He gave me a piece of candy he keeps for the Primary kids and wished me a happy Sabbath day. I went on to the rest of the meetings. From then on I never once mentioned home teaching to him and he still works in the library to this day. Of course, I would swing by every Sunday to get my Bit O Honey candy. He saved those for me. It was the highlight of the three hour block when I was still going to church.

Politeness is over rated when it comes to demanding manipulative cult leaders. Tell them in no uncertain terms that you neef a break.

Your HT partner isn't being polite to you, so why should you be polite to him?

Broken Record Technique:

"For personal reasons, I won't be doing home teaching any more>'

"What are the personal reasons."

"They're personal."

"but what are they?"

"They're personal."

"You know this calling is from the Lord, right?"

"For personal reasons, I won't be doing home teaching any more."

"It's very serious to go against a calling from the Lord."

"For personal reasons, I won't be doing home teaching any more."

"Are you having problems with your testimony? Is that it?"

"For personal reasons, I won't be doing home teaching any more."

"Do you pray every morning and night? Do you read the scriptures as you're supposed to?"

"For personal reasons, I won't be doing home teaching any more."

etc.

(notice that your part of the script is VERY easy to memorize.)

No there is not, TELL EM ya aint doin it.

They wont hear you and will keep you on the list. You will get calls for appts and your HT Partner will keep calling for you to go with him.

I told em no I was not visiting and I did not want visits.

They are so slick the then decided it would be best that My personel friends be my HT Parteners and HT's

The Last attempts Fred called to say he was My HT Companion I said "Really Fred Who is now the EQP Whats his #
I Called his ass up and Said this is BR. AVT-16 Br. Fred called to inform me he was my HT Cpm. Whats wrong with you?

Br. Fred is struggleing with all kinds of issues. He really wants to go Home teaching!

You best better reassign him I HAVE NO INTENTION OF EVER HOME TEACHING.

And make sure I am not on the HT Visit list.

Then my friend Carl Calls up about a few months later...

hey how ya doin aint seen yall in a while mind if I stop by Tuesday after supper.

I said sure why not.....Hell don't hey show up shirt and tie with some asshole I neva seen before.

Well that went well for me! Its my house we pray only if I want to and I shook their hands told HIM he could stop by unofficially whenever.

I did move shortly after...shucks I forgot to give the church my new address or phone,,


hahahaha

I’ve told the story before—I was active. Hubby was not. He got a phone message assigning him an inactive home teaching companion and FIVE inactive families.

I was floored. Of course it wasn’t going to get done—ever.

I complained to the bishop that no one checked with my husband to see if he was willing to do this assignment. I was informed that it wasn’t a calling, it was a priesthood duty.

I continued, but he won’t do it and it just makes it less likely he’ll ever come back to church.

The bishop said that was on my husband.

It’s mostly people who don’t care just going through the motions.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/29/2018 10:25PM by Dorothy.

It depends on your objective.

If you want to continue going to church and not raise any concerns about the level of your belief, don't say anything, but when your HT "companion" calls you to schedule HT, be unavailable due to work, family needs, study, sleep, etc.
This is a passive agressive approach, but effective and is employed by many active men.

Asking to be "released" will either fall on deaf ears or raise concerns about your valiance to the truth.

If you are in process of deactivating yourself, send an email and tell the BP you can no longer be an HT effective immediately. You do not need to provide any explanation. Church leaders only have the power you give them to order you around.

The thing is, Bob, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care.

My life scripture.

James83 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Is there a way to opt out and tell the bishop or
> someone that I don’t want to be a home teacher?

Sure.
"I don't want to be a home teacher. I'm not going to do it anymore."

See, that wasn't hard, was it?

Of course, they won't want that to be the end of it. They'll cajole, persuade, threaten, etc. to try and convince you that you're a horrible apostate worthy of excommunication if you refuse to do your home teaching. That you're not being "obedient to the lord." That your immortal soul is in danger of outer darkness.

None of which is the case, of course. You just don't want to do home teaching, and you're not going to do it anymore.

But cults don't work if the people in them refuse to obey...

I just don’t go. I’m assigned with my son so no one calls me. I ignore the monthly email asking for my report. It’s been at least 5-6 years this has been going on.

You never OPTED IN so, of course

Ok James...57 people, now me, have told you to man up and just say no. We’re all dying to know....whatcha gonna do?