The Pope dies and goes to heaven.* He is greeted by several other religious leaders; Mother Theresa, Buddha, previous Popes, Mohamed, and several others. Each leader is with a group of people from their religion. Buddha is surrounded by Buddhists. They live in a city that looks just like Delhi. The previous Popes are there surrounded by adoring Catholics.
They live in a city that looks like Rome.

The groups intermingle and share meals. But off to one side is a big wall, and behind it the Pope can hear a choir singing.

He says to the angel, "What's with the wall?"

The angel replies, "Shhh. That's the Mormons. They think they're the only ones here."

* Relax, it's a joke.

Why should you always take 2 Mormons with you when you go fishing?
Because if you take just one, he'll drink all your beer.

Ever notice that ststue of Brigham Young in front of the Salt Lake temple? He has his hand up to the bank and his ass to the temple.

So one day, the mormon prophet, the pope, and Billy Graham were out fishing together. A storm came up, their boat capsized, and they died. They showed up at the gates of heaven and the angel at the gate said "Gee, we weren't expecting you three here yet. Give me a week to prepare your glorious new homes and come back in seven days. In the mean time, can you stay in hell? It'll only be one week". They all agreed. Three days later, Satin showed up at the gates to heaven. He said you've got to get these guys out of my kingdom right away. Well, what is going on, said the angel. Satin said "Well you know that Billy Grahm, he is preaching the gospel. We can't have any preaching in hell". I see, said the angel. What is the pope doing? Satin welled up in anger, he is baptising people, in hell, in my kingdom, he is baptising people. The angel shrugged and said, I see. But what is the mormon prophet doing that makes you so unhappy? Satin said, he's raised enough money to air condition the whole place.

... When chrissies or muzzies talk about hell, secular people often say "with all those scientists down there, Hell is probably fully air-conditioned by now".

I always thought that Sam Adams, the beer guy, looked like Brigham Young. A Mormon I sat next to in graduate school found that very offensive. :)

Maybe they're related?

Heck, Brigham Young wouldn't have been offended. He'd have been flattered lol.

How do you tell a good mormon from a bad mormon?


By the temperature of their caffeine.

:)

Pure genius. Thanks for the good laugh this morning.

Why do Mormons always bury their dead 12 feet under?

Because deep down they're all really good people.

A mormon dies and is taken to hell. "Take him down to room 3 to burn for all eternity with all the other mormons" says Satan to his helper.

The helper returns after a few minutes with a confused look on his face. "What is wrong?" inquired Satan. "Well, room 3 looks kind of like the garden of Eden, with fruit trees, crops and luscious gardens," answers the helper.

Satan just shakes his head in frustration, "Those damn mormons have been irrigating again."



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/02/2018 10:46AM by redpill.

And it came to pass---A Mormon Bishop and a Texas Cowboy flew first class on a jet bound for Dallas TX.

As they boarded in the first class section, the stewardess asked the cowboy if he would like a drink. Yes ma’am, a bourbon and water if you please, whereupon she fixed the drink. She then served the drink, and then asked the Bishop if he too would like a drink.

He was obviously offended, and in his best righteous and arrogant voice responded, “Absolutely NOT. I would rather be raped by brazen whores before I would EVER let liquor touch my lips.” Whereupon the cowboy handed his drink back to the stewardess and said “Me too. I didn’t know I had a choice.”

There are four people on an airplane; the pilot, President Nelson, an old man, and a young boy with a backpack.

About 20 minutes into the flight the pilot runs out and yells. "The plane is going to crash! Grab a parachute and jump!"

The young boy says, "But sir, there are only 3 parachutes. Not all of us will survive."

All of the people look at each other and the pilot says, "I deserve to live."

So he jumps out of the plane leaving 2 parachutes and 3 people.

President Nelson says, "I have done so much for the world. I should live." So he grabs a parachute and jumps; leaving 1 parachute and 2 people.

The old man squats down and says to the little boy, "Son, I have lived my life to its fullest so you take the last parachute."

The little boy says, "That’s okay, we still have 2 parachutes."

The old man says, "How? President Nelson took the other one."

The little boy adds, "No he didn’t. President Nelson took my backpack.”

This one. Laughing hard.

A+++++ First outloud laugh I've had in a while.

The original has a football star,the pope, Trump and a boy. Trump and the football star jump out , but the pope and kid are saved because the smartest president in history took the backpack

A catholic, a protestant and a mormon all die with their wives in a plane crash and go to heaven.

Peter is at the gate and say's to the catholic man "all your life you were a drunkard, booze was your god, you even married a woman named Brandy. You may not pass through the gate." And he sends the both to hell.

Then Peter says to the Protestant man "all your life you were a miser, money was your god, you even married a woman named Penny. You may not pass through the gate." And he send them both to hell.

The mormon man turns to his wife and whispers "Come on Fanny, let's get out of here, we don't stand a chance!"

LOL

An airplane carrying a religious delegation, which included two mormon missionaries, was flying over the ocean when the plane started having trouble.

The pilot came on the speaker and said "folks, the plane is going down, it's too heavy. If we can lighten the load a few hundred pounds, we can save it. Otherwise, we're all going to die!"

The Baptist delegate jumps up and yells, "the lord is my shepherd!" as he runs to the emergency door, opens it and jumps out of the plane.

Then the Buddhist delegate jumps up and yells, "I will return in the great cycle of life!" as he runs to the emergency door and jumps out of the plane.

Then the Catholic delegate jumps up, and yells, "long live the pope!" as he grabs the two missionaries and throws them out of the plane.

Little Johnny asks, "Goundhog day. Is that when Jesus came out of the tomb and saw his shadow so we have six more weeks of winter?"

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

(Emo Philips)

A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.

"I have four boys, and my wife is expecting another," says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team."

"That's nothing," says the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son, and I'll have a football team."

"That's nothing," says the Mormon. "I have 17 wives. One more wife, and I'll have a golf course."



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/02/2018 02:39PM by ificouldhietokolob.

That made me laugh!

Donald Trump dies, gets to heaven and Trumpety-Thump-Thumps on the Pearly Gates.

Hatch opens and a man says, 'Allahu Akbar! A thousand greetings.
What were you wanting?'

Donald Trump says, 'Nah, never mind.'


*****

Q: How do you make holy water ?


A: Boil the hell out of it.

Arnold Palmer and Jesus go golfing and have a big match. It’s all even going into the 17th, a long par3 over water. Palmer hits a perfect 3 iron to the middle of the green. Jesus is up and tells his caddie, “ Give me a 3 iron”. Caddie says, “ all due respect sir, you need a 4wood”. Jesus says, “ If Arnold Palmer can carry the water with a 3 iron, so can I... give me the 3 iron”. He proceeds to hit not one, but all his golf balls into the water. Jesus is really upset and walks out on the water to retrieve some of his balls to try some more.

Meanwhile the group behind has driven up to the tee and, wondering what’s taking so long, asks Jesus’ caddy, “What’s with the guy walking out on the water? Who the hell does he think he is, Jesus Christ?” The caddy dryly responds, “ no he thinks he’s Arnold Palmer.

Dropped this before.....but still funny if you grew up around the Morg...

Catholic priest and mormon bishop walking down a road. They spy a young boy tied over a fence naked. Priest says...lets go over and screw that boy....Mormon bishop looks puzzled and says "out of what?"

"So, the Pope and Donald Trump die on the same day, all the more complicated by a major screw-up. Due to s paperwork snafu, Trump gets sent to Heaven and the Pope gets sent to Hell.

"Upon arriving down below, the Pope informs Satan, 'Excuse me, but there must be some mistake. I have lived my life as a devoted servant of the Lord. I should be in Heaven with God.'

"Satan replies, 'Holy shit! I can't believe my Mormon elves have messed up again. You're right. There's no way you belong here. I'll contact Heaven, but it's going to take least 24 hours before we can straighten this out. Damn Correlation Committee.' The Pope replies, 'Make it snappy. This is crappy.'

"24 hours later, Satan again apologizes to the Pope, 'Being the Devil, I'm not used to saying I'm sorry, but, hey, as Joseph Smith is my witnesss, I'm sorry. Sorry I put you through hell. You can go now. Just make sure you tell Trump he's supposed to come here.' The Pope replies, 'Will do. I'm outta here.'

"The swsp commences. On the way up to Heaven, the Pope passes Trump, half-way in mid-air. The Pope stops, hovers, and explains, 'Excuse me, Mr. President, but there was a mix-up, but it's all been corrected. You must face your eternal destiny--Melania says so. As for me, my big wish has always been to meet the Virgin Mary.'

"Trump replies, 'I'm sorry, but you're a day late.'"



Edited 5 time(s). Last edit at 02/07/2018 07:01AM by steve benson.

"Before the world ends, Jesus wants to take one last fishing trip, so he and his good friend Moses head up to Minnesota's lakes to rent a canoe. Once there, Moses says, 'Hey, Jesus, before we start, let's have a contest. Do you still walk on water?"

Jesus replies, "Who do you think I Am?" Moses winks and says, "You da man. To hell with the canoe. Just walk on out there--you know, on the lake.'

"Jesus smirks, takes his reel and tackle and steps onto the lake, takes a couple steps, and sinks knee-deep into the water. Moses chuckles and says, 'Maybe you need a head start or something. Might want to go to the end of the dock and try.'

"Jesus glares at Moses, takes his reel and tackle, and steps off the end of the dock, walks out about five feet, and sinks up to his chest. He mutters angrily, "Damn this to hell. Something ain't right here." Moses says, "Relax, dude. Let's just rent the csnoe, head out to the middle of the lake and you can strut your stuff there.'

This pisses Jesus off totally and he commands Moses, "In in the name of the Lord, wipe that stupid smile off your face!" Moses can't stop laughing.

So, they rent the canoe and paddle out to the middle of the lake, whereupon Jesus stands up in the canoe, hikes up his drenched robes, steps out on to the wster, prays "Please be still," and disappears beneath the surface.

"When he pops up gasping for air, Moses says, 'Take a deep breath. Get yourself into the state of mind you were in the first time you did this on the Sea of Galilee.'

"Jesus pulls himself into the canoe, sits down, looks heavenward and cries out, "My God! My God! Why hast thou forsaken me?" He then puts his head in his hands, meditates for a few minutes, finally gets himself sufficiently psyched, steps out of the canoe, walks out about 30 feet, and proceeds to go under again.

"Moses says, "OK, that's enough. My turn. Time to show you how it's done." He stands up in the canoe, raises his hands high above his head and shouts, "Waters, part!" The lake splits, Moses wslks out across the lake bed, grabs the sputteting Jesus by the hand and leads him back to the canoe. Jesus climbs in and starts cursing and beating himself up mercilessly, screaming, "Goddammit, I used to be able to do this!!!"

"Moses smiles, looks down at the bottom of the canoe, then suddenly announces, 'By God, I've got it!

"Do you think it might be the holes in your feet?"



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 02/07/2018 06:21AM by steve benson.

Right in the middle of the ward picnic a naked, masked man streaks through the picnickers and runs off into the distance.

There is a shocked silence and then gasps and mutterings.

"That wasn't my husband!" exclaims Sister Jensen.

"And he certainly wasn't my husband!" said Sister Stringham.

"Relax everybody. That wasn't anybody in our ward," said the Relief Society President.

Why are crows black?

Because they wouldn't eat crickets in the pre-existence.



I've always thought this was funny because it mocked mormon theology, but someone once told me that they thought it was racist. I guess I kind of see how it could be taken that way. Do you all think that?

I see the joke as mocking Mormon racism rather than being racist. I always thought that one was funny but you have to be an Exmo to laugh or a Mormon to be offended. Anybody else would just be like, "Huh?"

Not racist to me. Just a metaphor pointing out the way Mormons used to rationalize their racism. Of course some deny it now, but they just weren’t around when “ less valiant “ was taught. I was. It was. Brigham Young also taught no blacks would receive priesthood until all the white sons of God had received it. I was not around when he taught it however. I guess Brigham was wrong.

I do not see it as racist.

I see it as a metaphor that points out the racism of the Mormon Church when they taught that blacks were no valiant in the pre-existence,and were cursed. I know they say that the curse was that they were not to have the priesthood, not the black skin...but the reality was that the skin color was all the members saw. Additionally, Brigham Young taught that no one from that lineage would receive the priesthood until all the other “ worthy” tribes had received it. I guess he was wrong.

Q. How do you teach a bunch of kids about God—who He is, and what He does?

A. Gather them all in a classroom. Then never show up.


Don’t forget: If you never sin, Jesus died for nothin’

Abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers.


Q. According to the Bible, God killed 2,391,421 people and Satan only killed 10.

A. Anyone else think we might be following the wrong guy?

There were a bunch more but I liked these the best.

Jews don’t recognize Jesus. Catholics don’t recognize divorce.

What do Mormons not recognize?

A: Each other in the liquor store.

Love it.

Four scientists are travelling by train in New England to a convention.

Astrophysicist spots a black sheep from the window and says, "all sheep are black in New England".

The physicists replays, You can not generalize all sheep are black here. It would be only correct to say that at least one sheep is black in New England.

Mathematician looks at window and says, "Im sorry, You both are guilty of generalizing this sheep, one can only say that there is at least one sheep in New England, which has at least one side black.

Fourth scientist doesn't doesn't look the window, but pulls the drapers down.
Next week there is an new article on FAIR. A Curelom found in New England.

Why did Jesus cross the road?

He was nailed to a chicken!

I am the Very Model of a Modern Unitarian
by Christopher Gist Raible

Sung to "I am the Very Model of a Modern Major General"
from "Pirates of Penzance".

I am the very model of a modern Unitarian,
Far broader than a Catholic, Hindu, Jew or Presbyterian.
I know the world's religions and can trace their roots historical
From Moses up to Channing, all in order categorical.
I'm very well acquainted, too, with theories theological,
On existential questions I am always wholly logical,
About most any problem I am teeming with a lot of views,
I'm full of fine ideas that should fill our church's empty pews.

(Chorus members:
We're full of fine ideas that should fill our church's empty pews.
We're full of fine ideas that should fill our church's empty pews.
We're full of fine ideas that should fill our church's empty empty pews.)

I quote from Freud and Jung and all the experts psychological.
I'm anti nuke, I don't pollute I'm chastely ecological.
In short, in matters spiritual, ethical, material,
I am the very model of a modern Unitarian.

(Chorus members:
In short, in matters spiritual, ethical, material,
We are the very model of a modern Unitarian.)

I use the latest language; God is never Father or the Lord,
But Ground of Being, Source of Life or almost any other word.
I never pray, I meditate, I'm leary about worshipping.
I serve on 10 committees none of which accomplish anything.
I give to worthy causes and I drive a gas conserving car,
I have good UU principles (although I'm not sure what they are).
I'm open to opinions of profound or broad variety,
Unless they're too conservative or smack of righteous piety.

(Chorus members:
Unless they're too conservative or smack of righteous piety.
Unless they're too conservative or smack of righteous piety.
Unless they're too conservative or smack of righteous pie-piety.)

I formulate agendas and discuss them with the best of 'em,
But don't ask me to implement, we leave that to the rest of 'em.
In short in matters spiritual, ethical, material,
I am the very model of today's religious liberal.

(Chorus members:
In short, in matters spiritual, ethical, material,
We are the very model of today's religious liberal.)

[Source: http://bertc.com/subtwo/i_am_the_very_model.htm]

As given to me by a 10 year old Canadian:

Two missionaries are walking down the road and some one drives by in a car pointing a gun out the window shoots one of the missionaries. The missionary falls down. After a few moments the missionary gets up and he finds out that the bullet hit one of his suit pockets where he was carrying a Book of Mormon. He starts flipping through the Book of Mormon and find the bullet lodged in some of the pages in a chapter in Alma.

The joke is: nothing gets through Alma.

A man goes to an evangelical meeting and ask the preacher to pray for his hearing. The preacher grabs his head, shakes is vigorously while praying loudly. The preacher asks "how your hearing now". The man replies "I don't know, the hearing is next Tuesday."