My TBM husband is a narcissist. (I left the TSC a few years ago.) I used to question that diagnosis, but after all I have been through, I think it explains a lot. Recently, he has been exceptionally morose and depressed. Since that is his usual way, I just ask if there is anything I can do and leave it at that. Last week he told me that I can find out what it is but it will probably end our marriage and is disgusting and gross. I told him I needed some time to brace myself before getting this info. He has always had a problem with porn. I put parental controls on at home, so he cannot use porn here. I have told him in the past that if he cheated on me, the marriage would be over. I am preparing myself for that news. We just "celebrated" our 39th anniversary. Any insights?

He can't read Playgirl in the car?

He's gay?

He's cheating on the church, I mean you?

I'm still contemplating how to respond to this. WTF?

along with- "We just "celebrated" our 39th anniversary."

Hahaha i am laughing for real.

Mormon men seem to be into more weird sh#t than the average man so it could be anything.

Masturbation?

From past posts (>1 yr ago), your husband:

- Is a narcissist (as diagnosed by non-mo professionals)
- Is a sex addict (ditto; not just the SI swimsuit issue)
- Wants an open marriage, PO'd when you refused

It may be best to rid yourself of this louse. That's all I got.

Cliche: Life is short.

Choose peace and serenity.

Co-dependence, or at least tolerating endless angst, steals a person’s soul.

On your deathbed, will you tell everyone life would have been better if only you’d had a little more of the same?

Is it cheating if he's into porn, or is he seeing someone else?

You can't tell a grown man what not to do. Either you two can work out a compromise or something's got to give.

Good luck!

She can't tell a grown man what to do but she can tell a grown man what she's willing to live with.

Sounds to me like she has a sh!tty marriage anyway. I agree with the person who said opt for peace, serenity. Eviscerate that chaos from your life, girl.

He has a fetish that’s fueled by TSCC and you’re drawing lines in the sand. It could be a lot worse. He could be verbally or physically abusing you. But I’m guessing he’s just an asshole. You can’t handle asshole roommates?

I only say that because TBMs are married to their church and only live with their spouses.

I can't get past "I put parental controls on at home".

Yeah, that does speak volumes. Treating a spouse (or any adult) from a parent to child style is not evidence of a healthy relationship or respectfull. More to the story...

I noticed that also.

It sounds like some fetish, not an affair.

I would say at this point, you know what you are dealing with. Would you be happier staying with him or leaving him? If you need to visit a divorce lawyer to see what your financial life would look like post divorce, then do it. Get whatever facts you need to make a decision, and then make it.

Yeah, I agree, But:

Can a cheater be a TBM, or that that just a facade

Posted by: Cate, Re: "TBM husband may be a cheater": "She can't tell a grown man what to do but she can tell a grown man what she's willing to live with. Sounds to me like she has a sh!tty marriage anyway. I agree with the person who said opt for peace, serenity. Eviscerate that chaos from your life, girl"

I agree. You'd be better off alone, or trying marriage with a better person. What's left to love of the husband you now have?

What’s left to love?

Money of course, which is what most marriages are about. Haven’t seen many wives who didn’t care about their guy’s income.


And you often have to put up with crap to get it, just like any other job.

To leave means extra effort, which is why so many stay.

Remember that valuable lesson taught by Lucifer when he stormed out of Heaven when his plan was rejected: "It's better to be alone than in bad company." ...or something like that...

He said it is gross. To a straight, gay sex is gross. To a gay person, straight sex is gross. (Remember that last statement.)

But then mormons are raised to believe anything about sex is gross.

Do you have income? Can you financially live on your own?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/05/2018 08:27PM by cl2.

Since none of us here know your husband its your insights

that are important. I've always heard that if you think your

husband is cheating, he probably is. Its time for you to have

a plan and be prepared for it.

ask him, paying close attention to his body language & tone of voice / inflexion as he answers.

Then, follow your heart.

Best from all of us!

The minute you "put parental controls" on your home you ended your marriage and became his caretaker. I suspect you were celebrating 39 years of dysfunction.


Good luck with whatever happens, but understand the level of co-dependence that you probably have on each other is going to make you accept things you shouldn't and him to do things he otherwise wouldn't. It will also make your threat to leave him an empty one.

Or I could be completely wrong.

icanseethelight Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> The minute you "put parental controls" on your
> home you ended your marriage and became his
> caretaker.

This, in somewhat different imagery, was my thought as well.

"Parental controls," and an adult marital (or marital type) relationship between two adults, are not reconcilable unless one of the parties is no longer fully functioning as an adult.

(I do know of a situation where one of the people in a marriage had very early Alzheimer's, and I understand this is often true of dementia-type disorders in general. In these particular cases of mental decline, it IS true that "parental controls" of several different kinds, as well as increased "security" measures (to prevent fires, etc.), need to be imposed as the situation worsens. If your husband does NOT have failing mental health, then why would you, evidently all by yourself, decide to begin treating him as if he is a child? This makes no sense to me.)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/06/2018 01:52PM by Tevai.

He admitted to being hooked on porn it was a joint decision to put on controls he may have even thought of it

Doesn't matter whose idea it was. Whether his or yours, it put you in charge of and responsible for for his actions.

That changes the dynamic of the relationship and puts you in an unequal position.

Leave his ass. He does not care at all about your feelings. You can do it.

Aquarius, I laughed when I saw your post. <long exhale> I know your right.

The LDS Church promotes all-or-nothing thinking through its doctrines, policies and procedures. Your husband may believe that his sins are "unforgivable." He may have concluded that his life can not be improved. This is a recipe for becoming "morose and depressed." I know I was at that stage in my life.

Of course, that does not necessarily mean that your marriage isn't over. You (the couple) may have problems that can not be resolved. We won't know until your husband shares what is troubling him. Let him tell. It may or may not be serious. Or it may be all in his TBM mind.

It's remarkable what wrongs an individual can do & still be referred to as TBM; lots of people fooling themselves, D'oh!

Another 39 year sexless marriage.

Narcissism by itself is enough reason to end a marriage. A narcissist cares only about himself/herself. Other people are only there to be exploited. Is he cheating on you? He probably has been for 39 years. It's what narcissists do.