Posted by:
Nightingale
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Date: February 07, 2018 01:17PM
AmyJo: I get what you're saying when applied in a general sense. A few thoughts though.
Thousands of people through RfM's many years have been ably helped by the information and support here. They have benefited from empathy aplenty, both for themselves and reflected from comments and assistance to others. I am often amazed at the speed, wisdom, knowledge and desire to help strangers that many posters exhibit on a repeated basis. I used to at least try to be one of them but now I'm too tired. Maybe that will improve. Life is challenging, pretty much no matter who you are or what your experiences. It's a learning process which can often be rough and leave scars. Some of the most deeply wounded people here take time and make supreme efforts to reach out to strangers they will never meet.
As for bullies, I haven't noticed that as a feature of this board. I guess it depends on your perspective.
Regarding helping a person with multiple medical and/or psychological issues, this is not the place. Even medical or psych professionals here cannot, obviously, "treat" an anonymous poster. Also, the vast body of participants here are not pros and have their own problems they're grappling with. There is a certain emotional limit to how much and in which ways one can interact, for many of us.
As a community, albeit an online one, we can provide information and discuss personal issues and solutions, we can commisserate about our shared difficult, disappointing, hurtful experiences, we can offer insights and yes, empathy for someone else's pain. But there must, by definition, be a limit. Hurting people can't themselves give out 100% of their emotional energy, especially not on an ongoing basis. And the first rule of care is to ensure one's own safety first, physically and emotionally, as far as possible in whatever circumstances.
I attended a grief group years ago. I'm not much of one for going to "therapy" or groups like that but I had lost several family members and friends and acquaintances in a very short period of time. I was so consumed by grief that my brain shut down somewhat. I had to carry a list around to remind myself who was dead and who was still alive. I felt disoriented and it scared me. I was at work one day as usual and suddenly couldn't perform, just out of the blue. Couldn't remember what I was supposed to be doing. It surprised me. I was together enough to call for help to the hospital chaplain. She had to come and collect me because I couldn't find my way to her office.
Back to the grief group I subsequently found. The bereavement counsellor was wonderful. The program was gruelling though. Ten people, all newly bereaved, all discussing their loss and pain. It was brutal to try and maintain composure in the midst of people's naked wretchedness. One woman had lost her mom suddenly, just before giving birth to her first child, which intensified her grief. A man had just lost his only child in a car accident. Their pain was palpable and supreme self-control was needed by all of us just to listen, never mind try to say something useful. For the final meeting we were instructed to give a presentation about the one/s we had lost. I took photos in and spoke of my loved ones who were gone. It was supposed to be healing for ourselves and the rest of the group (via a theory I can't remember now). One lady afterwards said to me "that was too much loss" and me being me (sensitive to a fault, which is a cross to bear I can't seem to shake) I felt like I had totally screwed up and added to everybody's misery. Therapeutic for me? No. I don't even know why this memory dredged itself up for me here and now. I guess partly to say it's a challenge to interact in community at the best of times and in a "recovery" setting even more so. But I think we have a certain responsibility to think of others at least as much as we think of ourselves, to avoid being a gigantic taker and failing to give. In the most extreme circumstances we should still try to at least limit how much we expect other people to soak up our pain and provide instant solutions for us.
So, as I said in another thread, everybody hurts. And mostly it's invisible. There is no expectation that another person can or "should" help us. Any crumb of support and acknowledgement is a gift. Especially in an online forum. People are busy. People are struggling. People hurt. There is only so much emotional energy to go around. We should try to share, not be the only consumer of all the energy in a room.
Another point about a person's needs when they come to RfM is that Eric, board owner, has repeatedly stated that this board is decidedly *not* professional therapy (should be fairly obvious) and everything that a person in crisis may need cannot possibly be provided here. They shouldn't expect it and we shouldn't think we can give that.
So, there is nothing wrong with this board or its posters if a person's needs are not met here, especially when they themselves acknowledge that they need both medical and psychological intervention. This is just not the place for that level of interaction, especially on a continual basis. We are not helping someone if we even hint that they can find that here. And they are not being realistic if that is what they expect. We can call RfM a community but it's not in the same sense as real life resources and groups can be, of course.
To come here and rail against RfMers and the board in general because one's needs aren't met is not healthy for the complainer or other posters. It's counterproductive to healing as well. We have, after all, the ultimate responsibility to help ourselves. Anything that remotely helps us along our way is a bonus. However tough what we are going through is at the time, it's no excuse to denounce a resource like RfM or its participants. Eric never promised anyone a rose garden, after all. (Rose garden is a reference to an old song, that I don't even like, but it seems apt here and it just popped into my head - ewwww, hope I don't have to hear it rattling around in there all day).
It's not that most of us fail to wish someone well. It's just that many are dealing with our own pain, ya know? And we have to limit our energy output. That does not mean we don't feel for others or that we lack empathy. Likely quite the opposite.