I’ve never done this. I’ve never put down in words what I’m feeling. I grew up Mormon. All my family is Mormon. Eagles scout. I served as a missionary. I married in the temple. My wife will bear my first child in april of this year. We’ve been trying for 5 years. I’m so excited and I desperately don’t want to lose them. I feel like every day, I’m drowning deeper and sinking lower. I know my wife notices, but that she doesn’t know where to help and I can’t ask for help. I haven’t been to church with my wife in over a year and a half. I have things inside me that I need to tell someone but don’t know where to go. When she works weekends, I go to Idaho falls alone, to get good coffee and food. I wish I could find 1, just one other prson that I could click with and talk through some sort of game plan that might help.
I don’t want new baby boy to be blessed into the church. I’m preparing for the letters of shame, I just don’t want my wife to leave me. I do love her. Help, please help. What can I do next?

I don't know i am just glad i am out before the whole wife and kids thing. That would be a nightmare. It might be better to just stay in and pretend. It's brutal here.

Either way at some point you'll need to talk with your wife about leaving the church or at least not blessing the baby.

Hang in there. Lots of folks have been in your shoes and can give far better advice than me. It may take them a bit to respond.

In the small town in which I reside, I’m surrounded by hundreds of family and friends. Some know that I’ve been “slacking”, (I’ve overheard them). Truth is, over the passed year and a half I’ve stopped going entirely. I’ve felt BETTER out than I ever did IN. I just don’t want to lose everyone, I don’t know what I could do next? Move away and start over solo, with noone else? Should I be looking for a counselor therapist type person? How can I find people that exist that have done this before?

You can talk to her. Or not. You could keep faking it, let your son be blessed, then baptized, and keep pretending.

There isn't an easy answer, and whatever you do will be difficult in its own way, but my opinion is that with few exceptions, honesty is always a good place to start.

I agree, I need to get it into the open somehow I’ve wanted to for so long. I’m afraid my wife will leave me. She is very active. And now that we’re having kid in April after so many miscarriages over 5 years,I can’t understand how do work through the thought of losin my new baby boy as well. The crap is gonna hit the fan when the “baby blessing stuff” comes up in a month. I’m torn and sick inside about it.

One thing you can mention in passing is that she couldn’t get pregnant while you were trying to be mormon, but the minute you were honest with yourself and quit attending, “BANG!”

I put myself first, when my BYU temple bride wouldn’t change. I filed for divorce, paid child support for 17 years, and tried to attain a modicum of maturity and happiness. Unfortunately, maturity totally eluded me, but my happiness quotient is off the charts. 41 years have passed since I gave up on Mormonism and I have no regrets. In fact, I applaud myself, frequently.

I believe that the more you care/worry about what other people think of you, the less likely you are to be happy.

You haven't attended in a year and a half, so I'm betting your wife already suspects something is amiss. :) We women are smart like that.

Sorry for your pain. Continue to love and support your wife. Be there for her and your son. Focus on the baby. Come to the board for support and consider professional support (preferably not an LDS counselor). You are not alone. You're already not attending church, so your wife will not be too surprised. Perhaps someone on the board knows of an Idaho Falls support group.

What support group might I be able to fine around Rexburg,Idaho or even Idaho Falls Idaho? I’d love to meet with a non-LDS Counceling person

Try a Google search of support groups in your area. Or, like another poster suggested, start a new thread here and ask.

Coffee shop every Sunday morning is a good starting point.

Mormonism is a dead-end road.

You need to stop at some point and turn the car around.

Why don't the two of you discuss this (before or after all this time)?

moremany Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Mormonism is a dead-end road.
>
> You need to stop at some point and turn the car
> around.
>
> Why don't the two of you discuss this (before or
> after all this time)?

Correct.

Life is awfully short and can be pretty hard, even when you aren't faking. If I were you, I'd think about the rest of your life and how long you want to pretend to be something you're not.

My husband stayed almost ten years in his first marriage. The marriage was pretty bad for the first seven years. Then, he and his ex wife became Mormons and things got even worse. Their divorce was final just shy of their tenth anniversary.

Yes, it was hard for him. He lost contact with his beloved daughters and ex stepson (who later proved to be a manipulative scumbag). He had to pay a lot of child support for years to kids who refused to see or speak to him. He had some serious financial issues that were mainly owing to bad decisions his ex wife made and his inability to say "no" to her whims.

However, in the wake of his divorce, he found me. We've been married fifteen years and have made a wonderful life together. He gets to live authentically and spend his Sundays and other off time doing whatever he wants. His lives his life entirely on his own terms wearing whichever underwear he chooses. He doesn't have to tithe his hard earned money to a soul sucking organization with philosophies he doesn't support. Consequently, we're able to travel and do things we want to do.

And he's also still a good person with a good job, friends, and family members. His life didn't go to hell after he left the church and got divorced. He has missed his daughters, but one of them, whom I had always thought of as the most brainwashed, recently starting talking to him again. I'd be willing to bet your wife isn't as cruel or abusive as my husband's ex is. I like to think my husband's ex is a somewhat rare breed of psycho.

There is life after Mormonism. There's life after divorce, too, should it come to that. It's your life. I think you should make a decision as to whether or not you want your life to be authentic. Is it worth it to stay in a belief system that makes you miserable? Only you can decide.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/08/2018 01:55AM by knotheadusc.

Wow just wow....in your situation take a step back. More info is needed.
1. Does your employment depend on staying at least culturally LDS?
2. Have you continued to pay tithing?
3. Are you already getting “when are you returning?” Private talks at family gatherings and from friends?

Your activity record speaks for itself. What questions about it and “are you blessing our baby?” have come from your bride?

It seems to me the person who makes you the happiest in the world has to be intimately
Involved in the discussion and decision. You are going to have to talk with her and soon

Gatorman

I definitely think that counseling would be useful. Go to a non-church sponsored therapist. Most health insurance plans should cover some counseling, normally about ten sessions. And at some point you will need to talk to your wife, but you might want to wait until after the baby's birth.

I also think that long term, you want to think about moving to a part of the country where the Mormon church does not predominate. You are not going to get much more TBM than the Rexburg area. I think if you were living in an area where absolutely no one cares about your religion, it would be like a breath of fresh air to you.

Good luck, and let us know how things go.

Your story is very similar to my husband's. Back in 2008 he realized the church was a load of bull. I was pregnant with our son (our first child) who was due in April, just six weeks before our 5th wedding anniversary.

He stressed and worried about telling me about it. I knew something was wrong, but didn't think for a second it had to do with church, as we both still attended. He grew up in the church, served a mission, and we we're married in the temple.

So, four years passed before I finally made him tell me what the crap was going on! And even then he was hesitant. The trigger was one of his siblings was leaving the church which finally lead to our conversation about him wanting to be done with it all. That conversation lasted about 7 hours.

I was glad to finally know what was bothering him and very relieved because I had felt the same way for quite a while.
I know your situation isn't exactly the same, but I think you should definitely communicate with her.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/08/2018 06:07AM by slumbering.

Even though you've gone inactive to the point your relatives have noticed, and your wife knows that things are amiss, have the baby blessed.

Your wife and family will find great value in that although you do not. She is not on your same wave length. Respect hers, and her fundamental beliefs you once shared as your own as part of your marriage contract.

If you're going to make compromises in your marriage now that your shelf is cracked and breaking, don't withdraw your children unless she is ready to join with you.

Those rituals are not just a religious rite of passage. They are times for family celebrations of new birth and faith & hope for a bright future ahead for your infant child and your family.

Celebrate the rite of passage as a family tradition for now, until such time your wife is ready to go along and set new traditions.

If you live near Idaho Falls, my hometown, you are surrounded by Mormons on every side. Recognize there are others like you, with their doubts and misgivings. Why do you think the term "Jack Mormon" was invented? It's for the souls who sort of left without actually resigning their membership to remain in their families and communities they may have been for generations.

Being a Mormon in SE Idaho is a cultural thing every bit s much as it's a religion. You aren't going to change your wife to your way of thinking overnight, if ever. You are going to need to be patient as you wait and starting a family takes on new and shifting responsibilities.

Hang in there. You're going to be a new dad! This is supposed to be an exciting, joyful time for you both. Try not to be overly anxious. Have faith that things will sort themselves out.

Also consider therapy counseling with a non-LDS counselor in your area. You would really benefit from having a trained, professional helping you through your current life transition.

I would definitely start with therapy. You seem depressed and confused, and that is never a good state of mind to have hard conversations with family members. Find a good therapist to help you work through some of the things that are going on inside you. When you are ready, invite your wife to one of your sessions. As you said, she will have already noticed by now. You haven't been to church in over a year - at least on some level, she understands that you being inactive/not believing is her new reality. Now you are just attaching a real name to it. I will never talk anyone out of resigning their membership, but some people here have been living happily in inactivity for years. They get to live free from the church, their family is happy that their loved one hasn't officially left. You know your wife better than we do - she is pregnant and probably a little nervous about motherhood. Be willing to meet her halfway for now, but don't settle for an option that doesn't address your depression and doubts.

Finally, use this page often. There might even be some RfM-ers in the Idaho Falls area that would be willing to meet up sometime for a coffee and a chat. People here are a great resource and always willing to help.

Here is a link that migth be helpful.

http://www.mormonspectrum.org/map/

I agree. Mormon Spectum might lead you to a local group where you can talk to others and my get more local advise about counseling references. Of course, come back to this board to talk as well if you want. Congratulations on the upcoming birth.

If you leave, family and friends will be upset with you. If you play along, you'll feel trapped and frustrated.

You could ease out gradually, but in the end it would still catch up with you.

I chose to walk away, but that was before I had a spouse or kids and I didn't care as much as you do about upsetting parents who didn't much like me in the first place.

Still, I think I'd rather be true to myself than live a fake life to please others. They might surprise you and not cut you off if you ease out of mormonism. There are no guarantees in life. we just do the best we can.

First things first, talk to wife. Don't hit her over the head with anti-mormon stuff, tread lightly. She might surprise you, either way you will get an idea on how she feels. I've been there and the frustration over time will get worse. As far as the blessing goes, just have him blessed, you've got bigger fish to fry.

Okay, the baby blessing stuff is bs, and you know it, but you descibe it as SHTF.

You have mentioned:

Option 1: Staying where you are, and "losing everyone."

Option 2: Running away from home. (leaving, and "going solo")



Reverse order, option 2:

To avoid option 1, you would really consider option 2? If your wife has had multiple miscarriages, and she's six months in, that's no guarantee that the fetus will survive. Part of me thinks that you were lulled into thinking that your wife would remain barren, and you wouldn't have to accept making an overt choice - to refuse the baby blessing, thus outting yourself, or, to allow your child to be indoctrinated into a cult.

How could you move away, going solo, from a wife you say you don't want to lose? From a child you have yet to meet? Are you trying to stress her into a miscarriage, so that you don't have to out yourself?

That's what I read when I read your posts, and I'm not trying to be judgemental, but state plainly what my perceptions of your positions are. I'm trying to be the sounding board you requested.

If you love your wife, and view the baby as an interloper who will interrupt your silent resignation, I think and hope that those feelings will diminish as you begin to realize that there are other options.

First, the notion that you could run away from making a decision, abandoning a pregnant wife and soon-to-be child, let's just say that that is an emotional hell you would never escape, unless you're a true narcissist. I guess at this point, it would be important to know that about yourself. Could you really abandon them without guilt and shame? if not, it's not an option. If so, the best thing you could do for them is to leave.

Assuming you're not a narcissist, and abandoning a pregnant wife would cause you a lifetime of guilt, shame and pain, we can nix that option right now as a non-option. Abandonment would not save the child from indoctrination, nor, you being witness to and powerless to stop it.

I'm going to say this straight out - you lost the gamble that lying to your wife about wanting a child could be hidden in her inability to carry a child to term. (Again, not judging, but stating what I see.) Your option pool must be re-written.

You can stay, allow the pregnancy to result in a baby without imposing the stress (of you having lied to her) on her in an already high-risk situation. You lied, it's your stress, you bear it while she bears the baby. Totally amoral to do otherwise. Once the baby is born, you can tell her then that you intend to resign.

In your heart, you are resigned. In saying that you might want to run away, you "would lose" everyone anyway, so...

What you are *really* saying is that you don't want to face them as an apostate. You don't want that pain. Everyone, and I mean *everyone*, here understands the basis of that terror.

Exiting a cult that holds your entire family hostage is not easy, simple or painless. You have a child on the way, and you need to be the dad, prevent your child from total indoctrination into that cult. Knowing what you know, you simply cannot stand by without empowering yourself to do something about it.

Yes, I encourage you to seek exmo meetup groups. I think this forum and others like it can offer support and advice as you go through transitions.

Excellent resources for you:

http://packham.n4m.org/

And here is a specific page that may help you after the baby is born. You have time to study up:

http://packham.n4m.org/q-and-a.htm

You are among friends, here. Welcome.

deleted. Misread op



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/08/2018 10:09AM by Brother Of Jerry.

You and your wife have to tackle every issue together or it's not really a marriage. You can't go under, around, or over this because those roads lead you in circles. The only way out is straight through.

Your wife deserves to know the real you. Your child will deserve to know the real you. You heap love on them. You make life fun. You make yourself desirable so that they really really want you as much as you want them.

The Mormon church is only part of this. You can't be the Mormon husband because you already aren't that. You can be the most wonderful husband and father on the earth. Don't let Mormonism be the most important thing in the marriage. But, find out if it is for your wife.

Everyone one in this situation has to face the fact that in many Mormon marriages that the people in it are married to the church first and their spouse second. It's is tough to face what the answer may be.

There are many people here who have been in your shoes with very different results. I hope they can give you the good advice you need like many of the above have. Just thought I'd give my perspective and wish you the best. At least start by having some faith in your wife's love for you and her wish for all of you to be happy.

I didn't take her with me when I left. I wish I had.

Why don't you believe? Why is it not for you?

And can you play the game? Lie to those who are your friends and loved ones to live up to an expectation that is impossible?

Talk to your wife. Take her down your path. It is about the family unit. She may want you to lie. The pride tied up in priesthood holders by women is retarded.

TSCC cannot deliver on its promises. They lied to you. There is no obligation to be truthful with them(TSCC).

About that blessing...it's down in the noise.

My brother ditched church when he got kicked out at 16. He was pretty bad--long story.

Anyway, he had each of his kids blessed. It was just a nice party. You can have it done at home. Close relatives only.

Why worry about such a minor thing?

Good luck on your journey.

You need to be honest with your wife and tell her how you feel.


Start from there and you two together can work out the details.

Just take it one step at a time. If you are dishonest with

her, you will continue to feel worse and worse and so will she

because she knows something is different with you but she

doesn't know what it is and she might fill in the blanks and

imagine something far worse than the reality.

Good luck to you. I hope it turns out well. Please let us

know how things go for you.

First, don't get too hung up on the baby blessing. I say go and do it. Its not an ordinance, its more like a nice custom. A beautiful, flowery prayer where you say some good things you hope for your child. A woman may really seize upon that and be quite upset if you say that you are opposed to it and its not happening. You need to tread lightly at this point, so i don't believe that denying the baby blessing is your best move.

I am happy to talk to you personally if you like. Mormonism is a heavy religion to be a part of and its extra heavy and burdensome to leave when you are married and have kids.

If you want to talk, put your email link in a response and i can reply to your email to have a phone conversation.

I've been through having to tell my True Believer LDS husband I no longer believed. I really feel for you.

I went through Major Depression in facing up to the fact I didn’t believe. When you mention you feel like you are drowning – I know the feeling. It’s what I felt when I went through my break with the church, which entailed Major Depression. A person should NOT try to handle major depression without antidepressant medication. I strongly recommend not only that you see a good therapist, but also get on good anti-depressant medication. It really will help you see more clearly. Do NOT make any decisions until your major depression is under control.

A Psychiatrist is a specialist in medication to help with conditions affecting the brain, which Major Depression is. I know it’s scary, at least it was horribly frightening for me, but have the courage to go to a specialist. The therapist you choose might be able to recommend a psychiatrist for you. A psychiatrist will most likely only handle the medication portion of your treatment. Again, it’s best that you see an actual Psychiatrist for Major Depression. A family physician is less likely to know how to figure out the best medication for you specifically.

Another very important thing is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for major depression. An excellent book that can be found in any library is “Feeling Good, The New Mood Therapy” by David D. Burns M.D. (a psychiatrist). Note that the book was written before new medications for major depression were developed. The important thing about the book is it helps you get control of your thinking.

And I agree with a previous commenter who said don’t worry about the blessing. I agree the blessing is not an ordinance. The church doesn’t tend to follow children who are only blessed. My youngest daughter was blessed and then I left the church. They don’t bother her. They’ve only followed around my oldest child who was already baptized.

Also there are some LDS therapists who advertise themselves that way who no longer believe. I know one.

Please make some phone calls and find a therapist on Monday. And know that you do have time. Right now major depression is clouding your thinking. Things feel so urgent that you get out of the church now, but that is the depression speaking. Once you get your mood stabilized your ability to reason and plan ahead will return. Getting out of the church is not an emergency.

drowning, start a new thread to find ex-mo friends in your area and schedule a meetup.

I’d like to express gratitude to everyone for their posts so far. It feels great inside to know that so many people have gone through similar situations. I knew I wasn’t alone in this, but didn’t know where to even start. My first priority is finding a non-LDS counselor/therapist/psychiatrist. It will be difficult in the area in which I live, but not impossible. Then I’ll go from there. Again, I do still feel so strange inside on not wanting to lose family/friends. I have ONE non Mormon friend, everyone else is LDS. You always think that they’re “always your friends and family”, but church stuff is so engraved into every piece of life that I can see how it’s going to be very difficult to not become even more of an an outcast than I already am. I’d love to somehow find more exmormons in my area. Is there a “best” place to start?

Do what helenm said above and start a thread asking if there are any exmo's in your state/city. There are exmo's or soon to be exmo's everywhere! ;-)

There are A LOT of non-believing people in the church. A LOT.

Check the communities tab here:

http://www.mormonspectrum.org/

I didn't have to worry about losing a spouse when I left but I think the first thing I'd want to know, if I had a spouse, is where she stands. You aren't fooling her if you haven't been to church all this time so just ask her: "If the church wasn't true would you want to know". If her reply is, "No", then she is more happily married to her LDS delusion than to you. Proceed slowly and get reliable, professional help before you confront her.

Next, if you are in Rexburg (I've lived there so I know) you are probably better served if you find a non-Mormon therapist/counselor/etc. someplace farther away. Take a trip to Boise or Wyoming or some other city where you can be well out of your small town. I'll bet you could find a therapist or marriage counselor who might skype. I got lucky when my Mormon counselor prescribed some meds for anxiety through a Physicians Assistant. I got talking with the P.A. and one hour with her did me more good than the multiple sessions with my counselor. She had left the church and told me all about the ways she handled it with her all Mormon family and husband. She knew more about my anxiety than my counselor did! She was terrific. So I know how you feel about wanting to find someone who knows what you are feeling. It's wonderful to find someone who "gets it".

Don't get discouraged. You will gain your strength and power as you progress. But hiding from your problems won't solve anything. We all need someone to lean on so you've come to the right place to start and we'll try to help you move along.

My biggest suggestion is don't waste your time with a Mormon counselor. I wasted too much money on what I was told was an "Open minded Mormon counselor". He helped me with some career issues just fine but with the personal stuff he was a giant waste of time and money. And just because a counselor is not Mormon doesn't guarantee he is good. If he's not helping you, find someone else. Those guys/gals charge too much to waste your time. Move on if you need to. Get the right fit with someone and it will make all the difference. Good luck.

Sincerely tell her your concerns. Don't worry about the blessing, its a nit compared to the bigger issue.

For those that maybe don't understand the magnitude, the part where he mentions he lives in a small town around Rexburg really is a game changer...It is a very thick culture - its not just the local ward it is pervasive everywhere - It is a rough situation - the concerns with his wife are magnified in this pressure cooker. At the end of the day I would recommend you find someone you TRUST completely. Maybe Even if they are LDS if you can identify a trustworthy and empathetic candidate- Confide in them you concerns without in any way disparaging the religion. I know Idaho falls has some ex-Mormon groups - I am not sure I recommend immersing yourself in the group but I guarantee you should be able to discover someone in the group that can support and understand...

drowning,


I left because I was miserable in church. I found zero happiness there no matter how hard I tried to be part of it. I realized I was doing church things because I was seeking acceptance by the church members, but never received a personal testimony even though I prayed a ton. I finally acknowledged this, cried rivers of tears, and left. Luckily for me, I had people around me that supported me in that decision. Now I can see that the church is not what I thought it was.

If you are comfortable saying, what makes you want to leave?