Ok, looking for those who are going to understand what I am about to say.

Normal cultural expectations are that when a new baby is born into a family, you are supposed to be all happy and "oohhh ahhhh awww" about it.

I have offered sincere (well as sincere as I can be, to be honest) congratulations to the family.

Yet.

This child has been born into an extremely dysfunctional family, and I am sad for her. So much drama, screwed-up-ness, etc etc. And yes, mental health issues that are not under a doctor's supervision.

I feel fake and phony with the "congrats". Because of the f-ed up ness of the family, I chose several years ago to put the family (for clarification, not the actual couple who just had the baby, but the new father's parents; i.e. the new grandparents) outside of my boundries. It was just the healthier choice for everyone involved.

But I hurt for this new little girl.

Insights and thoughts are welcome.

Oh that's tough....Just be the best auntie (or whatever your relationship is) that you can be. If the child sees functional, even if it's not at home, that can be helpful.

Devoted Exmo Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Oh that's tough....Just be the best auntie (or
> whatever your relationship is) that you can be. If
> the child sees functional, even if it's not at
> home, that can be helpful.

I do hope that the young couple has been able to carve out a healthier environment for themselves since getting married.

Yes, I am an great aunt within this.

"It's nice to offer help to someone who otherwise would be 'lost.' But lots of people forger about the law of unintended consequences. Do what you can, but don't lose track of who is number one in your life."

- - excerpted from Judic West's new self-help pamphlet, "Do Unto Others Before They Do Unto You"

elderolddog Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> "It's nice to offer help to someone who otherwise
> would be 'lost.' But lots of people forger about
> the law of unintended consequences. Do what you
> can, but don't lose track of who is number one in
> your life."
>
> - - excerpted from Judic West's new self-help
> pamphlet, "Do Unto Others Before They Do Unto You"


Thoughtful insight, thank you.

Think I know how you feel. A family member of mine had a child as a single mother because she wanted the baby to "belong only to her". The baby daddy is allowed to act as babysitter when she needs him but that's about it. They are no longer together. She's alienated herself from just about everyone in our family and her ex-partner's family because at some point she always gets offended and will not have anything to do with that person ever again. She never says "No" to her child so I imagine this, now five year old, little girl (truly is a cute kid) is fast becoming a brat. I suspect the child may be ADD because her attention span is about two seconds and her dad and cousins are ADD but at that age it's hard to tell because most kids age five have short attention spans. The grandparents are having a hard time sitting with her. I'm one of the many family members that has been frozen out so I'm not seeing how things have progressed recently. I occasionally get some second hand tidbit of info about the mother and child but that's about it. Ain't family fun?

I was an only child, never allowed to babysit, (my mother didn't want me having any money she couldn't control), and completely ignorant about babies when I had my own.

My now-ex made fun of me for years because a nurse had to show me how to put a diaper on the baby. This was in the years before Pampers. (The ex implied that he knew - because EVERYONE did - but he never changed a diaper that I know of.)

Though I was strongly urged (by constant harassment,day and night) to return to work when my baby was only 7 weeks old, I was basically a single mother. The ex NEVER prepared, delivered, or washed a bottle. The ex never took or retrieved baby from day care. He did NOTHING, really.

I have a photo of myself with the baby when the baby was about 6 months old. I remember wondering how long it would take to get rid of the bags under my eyes. I got rid of them for a time. but now they have settled in for good.

I had already determined that there would be no more babies. The ex thought maybe I didn't want to go through pregnancy and childbirth again. Those were not the problem. It was being a single mother, also working full-time, that I didn't care for.

Because I had to get out of the house once in a while or totally lose my mind, the now-ex said yes, I could sign up for a class in ASL, provided I had the baby bathed, fed, and down for the night before I left. And for a while, the ASL helped a lot with my job. But I don't remember much any more.

While I love my son dearly, there is NOTHING that could have forced me to have another baby. One was more than enough.

At times, things were so bad at both home and work that I considered suicide. But how could I trust my clearly incapable husband to provide adequate care for my precious baby? That's what kept me going.

Retired from the job, divorced from the baby-daddy, and dearly love my boy. It all worked out, but took several decades.

A new baby can serve the role of a new vice for the mother. As long as the mother focusses on the baby, she will not have to deal with the rest of the problems in her life. She will be able to block out the rest of the world as she falls in love with the child and gives the baby her undivided attention...

Or the added responsibility can push her in the other direction and become an overwhelming burden and push her to the brink of mental and physical exhaustion.

I can see how the OP may worry. Not all children come into this world during a time when their parents have their shit in order.

Fortunately for many parents, children will end up succeeding in life in spite of the dysfunction they are born into.

That's heartbreaking to watch. Short of calling Child protective

Services in case of physical abuse or neglect if its ever

necessary to do that is to show that little baby all the love

in your heart that you have for him or her. Children and babies

can feel it and if their circumstances are that harsh and

neglectful they will be yearning and yearing for someone to

give them love and attention every time you see them. They

will at least feel love and attention from someone and I feel

like I can't underscore that enough. Babies thrive when they

are loved. Well, we all do actually. Please let us know how

things are going for that little baby.

Our oldest son was four when child number four arrived. Then, I got a dishwasher. DW was a full time mother from the beginning. I would relieve her when I got back from the office because it is difficult keeping children alone. Later, my office was in the home. Our fiftieth anniversary is not far away.