Well said, Judy Dushku.

"The most shocking thing about the outing of Rob Porter this week is not that there is another accused wife-batterer in the White House — it’s who did the outing: his Mormon ex-wives. Mormon women pretty reliably show up in comedy and drama as naïve, passive, and sweet mothers; gentle women who do not take the reins in blowing up an abuser and a criminal. In bringing down Porter, Jennie Willoughby and Colbie Holderness defied their church bishops, who had dismissed their allegations about how he punched and choked them, and instead went public. They shared photographs, and details of the alleged abuse, and refused to back down — even in the face of a president who doubts them. To see Mormon women take on a Mormon man of such stature is quite a new image.

I’m a 75-year-old woman, and I’ve been a Mormon my whole life. I am so proud of these breakers of the mold, these bold and honest survivors who have taken a well-protected bull by his horns and refused to give up.

Mormon women often ask ourselves if we are “too nice” and “too timid.” In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we are urged to speak up and take a stand on important issues of the day, but we acknowledge that we are culturally socialized to be polite and gentle to the point of being submissive. In talks by our leaders, women held as role models are typically described as modest, humble, and kind, people who accomplish great things through quiet persistence or meekness. We tease each other about how often we begin a sentence with “I’m sorry, but …” Or if we decide to criticize something, we say, “I don’t mean to be mean, but … ” Often, we back down from our firmest declarations of disagreement and anger.

And if a woman acts in ways out of sync with this style, she is usually shunned. Administrative and teaching roles in Church congregations are filled by members who are “called to serve” by a local male leader. Women who are “called” are likely to be charismatic and energetic — but still able to appear docile and dutiful. Women who seem to have mastered the art of leading with an air of the eager harmonizer are the ones who rise to the “top” spots in a congregational or ward hierarchy.

Women habituated to this style of interacting with others are perhaps not the best prepared to fight back if they are mistreated. In our church, the abuse of women by men is not new. And in the last decade it has been widely discussed, and acknowledged as a problem. Yes, there are manuals for ward bishops that are intended to help them deal with the complaints of women who describe abuse — but everyone knows about incidents of spousal abuse in every ward, which still often go minimized or ignored. When Colbie Holderness confided in her bishop about Porter’s alleged abuse, he cautioned that filing a protective order could harm her husband’s career. Jennie Willoughby says her bishop did not respond to her complaints about her husband being “physical” with any great concern.

When I first heard about Rob Porter, I recalled all the other Mormon women who have sat in my living room telling me similar stories. The day Porter resigned, I posted an article on Facebook announcing the news, and before the day was over, more sisters reminded me of their abuse histories at the hands of Mormon ex-husbands.

All day I had emails or private messages telling me new tales of the same. I can say without exaggeration that over three decades I have heard at least 40 such stories directly from the victims. And I can’t count the number of reports from others who are conscious and concerned.

Are Mormons worse than other people? Of course not. But I have a special kind of sympathy for a very large demographic subset of women in this country, women who have not been well-taught to defend themselves....

The church’s actions are coupled with attitudes preserved from the 18th-century writings of Cotton Mather, who praised the quiet, uncomplaining, long-suffering women in his congregation and called them virtuous because they never made a scene or called attention to their trials. He said, extolling them, “well-behaved women seldom make history.” His words were made famous by Laurel Ulrich, the Pulitzer Prize–winning Mormon historian who quoted them in an article in 1976, only to have them become a call to action for women who wanted to be the opposite.

But while Laurel was “our Mormon sister,” and she made us proud, many in our culture found it uncomfortable to rally around this phrase. I live near her in Boston, and there are more bumper stickers with her famous cry on the streets around here than in parking lots at Mormon churches. Most Mormons find Cotton Mather’s viewpoint more palatable than Ulrich’s: Righteous women are gentle, mild-mannered, and meek, particularly in the company of men of authority. It is common to hear Mormon women praised for being strong, but in truth they are being praised for showing that strength in self-effacing, deferential ways.

When these values permeate the culture, it is no surprise that women in Mormon marriages typically manifest humility, not boldness, in the face of conflict. Mormon women often discuss their ambivalence about being called “nice.” Are we too sweet, we ask one another? If there is a problem, it must be our fault, and that means it is ours to fix — but quietly, and without boasting or drawing attention to our success in the process.

When the Rob Porter allegations emerged, I wondered if this might be a moment of #MormonMeToo. But after throwing around the idea with me for an hour, a friend observed that for all the Mormon women posting about their anguish — privately, in direct messages on Facebook and Instagram — there was almost no Twitter patter. A #MormonMeToo hashtag existed, but there was no activity there. Which, she noted, was the whole point of #MeToo. Tell the world! Spread the word! Nope. As soon as we proclaim our truths, we Mormon women fall over one another trying to drag it all back under the rug."

https://www.thecut.com/2018/02/rob-porter-abuse-mormon-church-assault.html



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/16/2018 08:01AM by Amyjo.

The question I have is...why weren't charges ever pressed against him?

If a police officer sees a crime take place, he is the accuser, and testifies in court regarding what he saw.

If no police officer saw the reported spousal abuse, a witness is needed to testify, so if the wives won’t testify, the district attorney probably won’t file charges, if the wife was the only other person present.

As to why the wives wouldn’t testify, one reads the available accounts and one draws one’s conclusions.

Amyjo, this is something that more women of all religious pursuasions should read. Thank you for articulating it so well.

I am not and never have been a Mormon, but this is what makes me furious with the Mormon women I know and am related to. If they would just stop saying they are sorry! In truth, my heart weeps for their abdication of power, their willingness to turn their backs on what is good and right, whether it is trivial or profound.

What a huge waste. Instead, we have to listen to and look at the drivel of creatures with the dangly things that give them priestly power.

(disclaimer: I am neither lesbian nor unmarried; I actually love a few men, but I have MUCH in common with both states of being)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/16/2018 11:53AM by amiable.

Having been raised a Mormon I really identify with the subject matter.

Women are taught and inculcated to be the submissive door stoppers for abusive husbands and a patriarchal system of systemic abuse within the church hierarchy.

That's central to the church' power in keeping a tight lid on families through its control of them by usurping personal power and autonomy - assertiveness is not recommended, valued or prized among LDS women.

I've struggled with that as an adult before and after leaving Mormonism. It's a feminine issue made moreso by the culture Mormon women are born into and grow up in. Feminists within Mormonism are often silenced and shunned. Sometimes they find themselves excommunicated for being too vocal, because they stood up against the patriarchal system that keeps them literally underfoot.

Right; and it starts at such an early age. I see it in how my nieces-in-law are treated, from birth, as compared to the boy children. It is really sad, and almost impossible to overcome as an adult.

Breaking free from having been a Mormon is in its own way almost as hard (sometimes harder as expressed right here on this board,) as having broken free from someone who grew up Amish. It's more subtle, but the cultural conditioning and brainwashing run just as deep as any Amish home could IMO.

The battle wounds may last a lifetime. While having been a Mormon may certainly build character, it also has no problem in tearing people down when they attempt to leave and strike out on their own.

As for male dominance and hierarchy, that's systemic and repressive. I doubt it will change as long as the men retain power they're not about to turn that over to their women counterparts. In Mormonism there is a saying that the male and female roles are "separate but equal."

That's been one of the biggest crocks in all of modern history.

They never saw me as an individual, but just as someone they could use as their lab rat. The abuse also extended to my ex of course. All gays are abused in mormonism. But what really got to me is when they blamed me (and still do) for him not changing to straight.

He used to agree that the problem was me though. If I would just be perfect, the he wouldn't be tempted. If I just gave him enough sex, he wouldn't be tempted. He now denies he ever said that.

There is SO MUCH abuse in the LDS church. Those damn interviews were abusive.

AND I know for a fact that the reason the mormon guys usually didn't date me is because I was independent and I spoke my mind until they abused me to the point of being broken.

There are many men who are also abused and the bishops don't listen. I also knew a girl whose dad was sexually abusing all the girls in the family. She told the bishop and he didn't believe her. Luckily, he eventually ended up in prison for over 10 years and now he isn't allowed to be in Brigham City. Think of the abuse that could have been avoided if that damn bishop had listened.

I hear many people say that most bishops they know are nice people. I've seen SO MANY good men turn into assholes when they become bishops.

My brother-in-law is a bishop, and one of the nicest men I know. But since reading on this site, a have a very jaundiced view of him now. He has a bunch of daughters, and I am sure loves them, but not in the same way he fawns over his sons. It seems an oxymoron, to be truly a good person and a bishop at one and the same time.

I've known some really fine LDS lay leaders. It's the bad apples that spoil the whole barrel. Literally. When one or two leaders are bad apples, they pick other bad apples to compliment themselves. It has a domino effect.

It can sour an entire ward. I've seen that effect in the last two Mormon houses of worship where I worshiped when my children were young and teenagers. Or maybe it's the cult effect on the people who adhere to the bogus belief system over years that has that same effect on people. They become desensitized - lose compassion and empathy for the less fortunate. Their self-righteousness clouds their ability to genuinely relate to those who are hurting. Then they add to their hurt by their insensitivity and lack of concern for the welfare of others.

Smug and self-righteous are the attributes that still come to mind after years of being out of the cult. Doing things in secrecy behind my back with my daughter I wasn't supposed to find out, to undermine my authority as a parent because I was a questioning single mom, with doubts about the gospel. I should have acted on them way sooner than I did because the cult damaged my relationship with my daughter. I will forever hold them responsible for their actions they had no qualms or reservation disrupting or severing familial ties between a mother and child. They didn't care the damage they caused. They seemed to revel in it out of pure meanness, spite, and pure unadulterated evil.

I knew some women in the cult who were every bit as abusive as the men in those leadership positions. They didn't only break down my shelf, they crumbled it because of the systemic abuse throughout the church system. They hide behind the church like the facade that it is. The pulpit is really a bully pulpit for them. They use their positions to strong arm, threaten, and malign. Gossip is their best friend. It's people who are expendable.

Not a church I think.