I was adopted as a baby and grew up as one of the few black people in my whole city. I was self-conscious about how I looked, but most people in my ward and school(s) were really kind to me and always made me feel welcome. Because of this, my struggles with my race (and later, gender identity/sexual orientation) didn't matter because Mormonism was the most important thing in my life.

I LOVED being Mormon. I went to activity days, young womens, seminary, camp, youth conference, and all of the fun activities. I did baptisms at the temple. I proudly wore my CTR ring and YW medallion everywhere I went. I loved watching Mormon comedy/drama movies and reading everything from Deseret Book's publishing imprints because it was good, clean, fun entertainment. I took scripture study seriously. I prayed, fasted, bore my testimony...Mormonism was more than just a religion for me, it was like my entire identity and way of life.

Ever since I lost faith, I've felt completely empty. It's hard to look back on my entire culture and upbringing and realize how nonsensical it is. Going to Church used to be fun and uplifting, but now it feels so hollow.

If I leave the Church, I'll lose my family, friends, everything. I know this probably sounds hyperbolic, but I feel like I'm nothing without Mormonism. It was the only thing that mattered.

I think I know a little bit of how you feel; my testimony died while I was a missionary. Maybe instead of thinking of leaving the church as losing your identity, think of how your previous experience within Mormonism, and all you learned there and what caused you to become skeptical and leave, are all part of your current identity.
While I don't post here often at all, I think lurking here has in part helped me start forming a new identity.
You excommunicating the church from your life is like the collapse of the Soviet Union. Now it's up to you to fill the void with a thriving new nation based on rationality and compassion (hopefully not like the Russia we have now, sorry for the weird analogy).

But I think most have suffered the feeling, some more than others. You'll need time and effort to establish your new and more authentic identity. I hope this adjustment time goes well for you. If posting here helps, I hope you do it often and get great support and ideas to help you. Good luck.

Anon2018 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> If I leave the Church, I'll lose my family,
> friends, everything. I know this probably sounds
> hyperbolic, but I feel like I'm nothing without
> Mormonism. It was the only thing that mattered.

I felt the exact same way 37 years ago.

Guess what?
I was wrong.

I didn't lose my family -- though there were some rough times I thought I might.
I didn't lose my friends. I lost some of them, but as it turns out, those weren't "friends" anyway. Friends like you as you are, not as they want you to be. And I made new friends, who were kind and honest and accepting, and who didn't care what religion I did or didn't believe in -- making them better friends than the ones I lost.

I didn't lose everything -- I gained everything.
An honest life. A quest for knowledge (not "faith"). The whole world to explore, not just the limited "don't go there" part mormons care about.

I know it's scary. I was scared.
Turns out I shouldn't have been.

And neither should you :)

+1
Be yourself. Your parents will understand. You get credit for all those years that you were a good teen. I served a mission for my parents, and they don't give me any hassle for leaving.
Your true friends will understand.

(((Anon2018)))) I am sorry to hear you are having such a rough time. Hugs and love to you.
How is right. In time, your life will become so much better. But, it's true that you will grieve over the losses awhile.

You said it, Anon 2018!

"I feel like I'm nothing without Mormonism. It was the only thing that mattered."

Most of us ex-Mormons felt the same way. Why? Because this is BRAINWASHING at its finest!

The Mormon cult (yes, it is a cult) wants its victims to feel exactly as you described.

You were told that church comes first, ahead of everything else.
You were told that you are nothing without Mormonism.

I often use the word "nothing" in describing how I felt when I was a Mormon. My self-esteem was destroyed. I felt I had no say in my life. I felt unimportant. I was treated like a second-class citizen because I was female. I got married in the temple to a con-man who beat me, and I stayed in the marriage because the Mormons told me it was my fault.

I agree with everything ificouldhietocolob said!

The Mormon church takes credit for everything good that you are! YOU need to understand that you are a good person, you have adapted to huge challenges, with your adoption and your life circumstances. You have learned to think for yourself. You express yourself very well. You care about your loved ones. You try, keep trying, and try harder. I can tell all of this about you, just from your one post!

All of who you are, has nothing to do with the Mormon church! I'm glad you enjoyed the activities (I did, too, growing up), and those might have helped develop your social skills--but so did your schools, teachers, family members, community, etc. Your good morals and ethics mostly came from the good example of your parents and peers. At heart, you are a good person, anyway!

The cult deliberately robs you of your self-worth. You are trained to be humble. You are made to feel that you aren't "good enough" to have the priesthood, because you are female. (Growing up as a Mormon, I always wanted to be a boy.) Females don't get to go on fun camping trips, like the Scouts did. You are taught that school and homework is not as important as silly YW, or busywork, or being a janitor for the Lord.

No matter how much you accomplish as a student, a humanitarian, an athlete, etc, it is never good enough. Even the tithing you pay isn't enough. You should always be striving to pay more money, give more free slave service.

Your depressed mind can't see your REAL VALUE as an individual, because you have been brainwashed for years.

Identity is not ever set in stone, or crammed into a mold. It is fluid and adaptable. Your identity is always changing and growing, and being influenced by whatever roles you are playing. For example, you are different when you are writing on RFM, than you are talking to your family. You are different playing outdoors than you are studying in school.

Daughter
Nature lover
Sports person
Hobbyist
Student
Worker
Seeker of Truth
Questioner
One who likes to laugh
Someone who is sympathetic
Friend

Add others to this list. The deeper things, which you have internalized, are your identity. For example, is music just a hobby, or is it the expression of your soul?

The Mormon cult doesn't "own" any of these things.

Anon2018 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> If I leave the Church, I'll lose my family,
> friends, everything. I know this probably sounds
> hyperbolic, but I feel like I'm nothing without
> Mormonism. It was the only thing that mattered.


Mormon culture is hollow compared to others. IT is a corporate created and maintained culture. You will be best served in finding an identity outside of something so shallow and contrived to produce children and money for itself.

There are so many things you're being confronted with right now. At its core, you're in the middle of the greatest betrayal of your life, and that will take some time to overcome. In a very real way this is more than someone discovering the person they love cheated on them. This is an entire lifestyle that was built on a deception.

In the midst of this, please take whatever solace you can from those of us who have gone through this. Your pain is very real and very normal. Thankfully, the pain will actually ebb and flow over time and begin to weaken as you rebuild your life to whatever your new normal looks like.

If you live in an area with a large LDS population, you may find there are support groups for others working their way out of Mormonism. It's amazing how affirming and comforting it can be to be around others who are going through a similar experience. I believe there are several churches in the SLC area that host these, and they're purely secular in nature. You may want to re-explore religion sometime in the future, but these support groups will generally avoid that topic in favor of just letting people work through the tangles that Mormonism causes in our lives.

You're not alone, you're not unusual, and there are people around who will gladly help you through this.

I completely understand. It was a long healing process for me and I would say I had to go through all of the stages of grief. I left almost 5 years ago now. I went to a therapist to help me process everything and he always said that I needed to grieve the loss. It is a huge loss, like a death. Changing everything you've ever lived and believed is traumatic. On top of that, dealing with loved ones negative reactions and rejection can make a difficult time even more so. One of the most difficult things for me was redefining myself and figuring out who I was without TSCC.
You are not alone, most of us on here have been through what you are experiencing. Get a counselor if you can and use this recovery board for support.
Sending love and thoughts your way.

I have encouraged, over the years, for folks like yourself to go to ex-JW sites. Guess what? These ex-JWs feel the same way as you. They have lost their identities, their friends, and often their families when they leave the Watchtower. This is what happens for many when they leave a cult. It sucks, but that is how life is. We can only change ourselves. It takes time. Read all you can. If you can find a counselor who understands cults, it is a plus. Ask questions. There are many here who will offer useful advice. Again, be patient. Life will be so much better for you.

Mormonism is unique in that it weaves its tentacles deeply into your core identity. So extricating those tentacles is a painful and often confusing experience.

But the theme of having to start over, of having to reinvent yourself, is a deeply human experience that goes beyond even Mormonism. Even Christianity has these themes in the form of baptism and Jesus rising from the dead. The phoenix rising from the ashes also symbolizes that theme. People often have to reinvent themselves in both minor and major ways throughout their lifetimes.

My maternal grandmother immigrated to the U.S. from a heavily Jewish part of Russia when she was just 16 years old. She came by herself, and had to escape across a border under cover of darkness in order to make her way here. She lost her language, her parents, her country, and her culture. She had to make a completely fresh start in a place that was strange to her in every way. She never went home again. She was made of tough stuff, my grandma. And so are you! And so are you.

I have had to reinvent myself in smaller ways. Who am I without my dad? (He died when I was 14.) Without my community? (I lost my childhood home at the same time.) Without the comfort of my small university community and friends? Without my former residence? Without my former career? Those are ongoing questions that I have had to grapple with throughout my life.

Yes, extricating yourself from Mormonism will be painful. But there are rewards for those who can tough it out. You will know yourself and your core values better. You will find an inner strength that will serve you well. You will find happiness because YOU will determine exactly what it is that makes you happy.

We wish you well on your journey, and for as long as you wish, we will walk beside you.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 02/17/2018 10:08AM by summer.

summer Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> My maternal grandmother immigrated to the U.S.
> from a heavily Jewish part of Russia when she was
> just 16 years old. She came by herself, and had to
> escape across a border under cover of darkness in
> order to make her way here. She lost her language,
> her parents, her country, and her culture. She had
> to make a completely fresh start in a place that
> was strange to her in every way. She never went
> home again. She was made of tough stuff, my
> grandma. And so are you! And so are you.
>
> I have had to reinvent myself in smaller ways. Who
> am I without my dad? (He died when I was 14.)
> Without my community? (I lost my childhood home at
> the same time.) Without the comfort of my small
> university community and friends? Without my
> former residence? Without my former career? Those
> are ongoing questions that I have had to grapple
> with throughout my life.

This is a touching, and also an amazing, personal story, summer...I don't remember ever reading any of this before.

Thank you for sharing this with us now, and on this thread.

I am sure it will help.

:)

First off...Congratulations for cracking yourself out of our cult! We all went through it too. It is not easy and our former cult is a pretty powerful one.

Your identity is up to you and how lucky you are to decide for YOURSELF what you are about! It is an awesome responsibility but also very rewarding.

It was scary for me too and through the years I became someone I could be truly proud of. I love ALL people and I treat everyone with a smile and with kindness...unless I know something about you that tells me otherwise.


Good luck!

Welcome to this board, Anon2018. You have our best wishes.

Once you're out, it too will be all that matters... and all that ever did. And you might wonder what took you so long.

It must not have gotten bad enough for you yet. Or, as you imply or allude to, you are afraid.

When you let go of that fear you allow that love and happiness and freedom to return. As it does, you will create/ recreate your [real, lasting] community.

You might run some tests.

M@t

It looks like you have simply matured out of Mormonism - and that's o.k.
Problem is, cults will rarely let you leave without trying to throw rocks at you.

What you need to do now is prepare a bit for when you walk away.
That means having a job and or non Mormon friends to fall back on.

Take your time, there is no need to rush. Best wishes,

First get to a drop in counseling at school or college for quick stress management strategies and Make a huge graphic poster list your favorite music, list your favorite musicians, list your favorite food, sports, list your favorite style shoes, list your favorite clothes, list things you like to see. Make it big. Add color and graphics. Use collage or a color printer. Make a poster. A big poster. Glue graphic s or sparkles near things you like. May make another, poster monochromatic all class and monochromatic I do that whenever my printers out of color ink, plus, paint is expensive. You might try drawing in graphite regular pencil is graphite. Super leads are available at art supply stores. But between posters your listing your favorite music favorite drink favorite color favi rite shoes favorite hair styling your favorite dance moves WOW this is you.

I feel sad you noticed that led identity <think playdough mold you're the beautiful playdough ready to self roll > <think art dough you're the dough making beautiful beads package opened but you aren't a little bead baked set in stone yet your still playable fresh beautiful gorgeous artists bead clay ready to mix your style>

and I hope it doesn't worry you for long. If I could sit up cross legged alone toe tucked into edge of my calf sit shoukders back, breath in deep, dance my hips and think a chants ok BE ok BE ok it will be ok . <try that>

If you were nearby, I would pick the salmon pink camelias now in bloom by my door and give you an armful and crochet a band so you could put flowers in your hair. or hold beauty and you could wrap your arms around the flowers and bury your face in the salmon pink cameli a blossoms, and together we could walk among the plants by the path and not touch the cactus.

I am, you are, more than a brand name, more than a religions stamp through your thoughts or drawn on your skin or poured like a new color dye in your hair. You and I are actually like gossamer fractals of skills

Which make and create experiences or babies or bridges or music. And we dance

The religious or educated thoughts are like the strands on a suspension bridge, it changes how the cars flow through over the water

Your bridge is a well engineered thing called being human being. Bridging either star stuff or transition after growth in a uterus you are made bridging Your thought and emotion into acts dance creation art connection . Your suspension bridge is made of good strong stuff with cultural artifacts decorating it. Your suspension bridge is strong and able capable so you can dance, make experiences, use your exponential growth exploring using skills like a fractal a beautiful beautiful fractal.

The strongly built amazingly engineered suspension bridge is you. The fractal of beauty and expanding skills and some simple well loved songs or sports or clothes or hair hold beauty like a space saver for us. But we are more than the skills from second grade! When someone taught us cursive and we learned to type our first funniest app on our phone. We are more than the skills of preschool when we learned to walk. Now we dance.

If you were a little plant like these plants transplant from one pile of dirt in the earth to other pots or garden beds you are able to transplant your favotite things and skills come inside you to a new view in tge garden when you see a new perspective too just like agastacge, aretemisia, Asiatic lilies, monch aster, bee balm, bulbs, Goldstein back eyed Susan, cardinal flower, campanulus, thread leaves coreopsis, day lilies, feverfew, liatris, mind, obedient plant, public, consider serum Shasta daisy,Siberian iris, veronica, yarrow.. all transplant easily to other piles of dirt they get their roots lifted and tucked back in another garden bed with a blanket of mulch tucked in over them and they take off and they grow from another perspective, get a new view on the earth.

We choose our own music and we flow. We take our training and we apply it, we learn new apps everyday . Our phone and tablet get operating system upgrades, and we plug the system into power and we download it.

You can too. You can "download upgrades to your apps" you can "download the latest operating system for organizing your skill applications apps" which you select. Just as you select which apps to download in your phone, you choose when to open or use each app. You choose which messenger app is selected or which downloaded file storage you designated, you choose which song to play off your music files. If you don't like ones words conveyed you stop listening to it.

If this overwhelms you get in to see a high school or college counselor for quick upgrades on your survival skill system and support with your stress management flow chart,

get help filling in boxes on your graphic organizer about what feels good, things you like, places you like, your favorite music, your favorite book or movie and make one how-to fill that chart out!

Coach, drama director, college contacts, and they may takk to you. One high sch eng drama teacher left to be a protestant minister & guided me by phone occassionally, one college grad sch professor invited me to call once a week over the 6 month transition into a new place I had moved * If you are really spinning you can "ground" yourself with a person. I care more that you are safe, than that any religion or belief or historic data reflects anyone anywheres perspective on valid credibility, you matter more than what you believe in.

If you are really spinning between and noticing identity , uncomfortably, then you can choose to ground yourself with conversation with them, it estsblishes a who you are moment in the connect.

I can use yarn for beauty, or photography for what is happening now, or breath in hit sunlight or breeze and say IS and lock in(to) that moment. AND i am a human being in the sun no matter i have done see your hand, take a selfie see your hair your nose IS touch your cheek stroke face softly. IS AM. Be in this instant a chance to observe and reflect upon it, know it:

I am more than a religious identity, I am more than a collasal list of ethnicity, which means whatever to whoever and I dont know exactly what yet ("writer speaks here and writers old! And still doesnt know everything about writers ethnic self )but I do know there are some negative hsteful perspectives labels I will not accept as my own, that I know I vow not to internalize societal prejudicial persoectives and turn them on myself.

Grounding through a trusted person of former positive relating when you are "floaty" or "@spinning" (re between perspectives and identitues/ even noticing you are "between identities") works best when there's mutual compatability , past real connect and respect, caring/ but they were a skill leader director to you.

This supports you now, so you grounded in an old established flow like electricity in a curcuit board, instead of arching electric current arching between power poles arching off the power line in an earth quake , whike the poles holding the power line rock, and so the power line dance and swing and the electricity arches between poles

Be sure to be in a safe place, treat yourself gently.no that drama coach cant direct your religion but he/she can relay whats going on in the musical theatre scene locally, that sports coach can direct you to sone great workouts or the next great sports clinic for you. These touchstones to regular life, to your past in fbla or ag or welding or math training can "ground" you, restart your current when its just spinning between identities during your own earthquake.

And please identify a now go-to safe< verb >right now..not a place, but a safe-to-do-and-good-for-you action event.
For me, its crochet, its sketch, its smooth comb put my hair up, its file my nail gently massage sides of shoulders gently with lotion, its massage hands with cream in winter, its write a poem with rhythm about a photograph! Its warm hands in mittons driving gloves garden gloves warm water cleaning coacoa mug. Its warm feeties in boots and on cold floor indoor wearing socks. Dont stop wearing socks look wear you walk strike a pose
And dance when youre alone. Like your music, like socks wiggle your toes
And dance.

And definitely youll find your identity; its inside you not beside you, actually. And then you will notice things around you you relate to or not.
If you must use things outside you <externals> as cues for an identity right now; or for shaping your identity like artist polymer before initially, then try to anchor * bake in tge rolled mixedxshaped polymer artist polymer clay* in your identity through things outside you< externals> which are SAFE

"Identity" is overrated, and probably unnecessary. I don't know about other people, but Mormons were raised with this concept, which means, fitting into a mold. Being an obedient Mormon. A Child of God. A Mother In Zion. A Priesthood Holder. Brothers and Sisters. Presidents and Bishops. My favorite is from the temple: Priests and Priestesses/Kings and Queens. Oh, and from Steve Covey: Gods In Embryo.

These Mormon so-called identities seem to encompass everything, but they mean NOTHING. The 6 or so hours of church and preparation a week are just part of a tiny little facet of someone's total personality. Mormonism hijacks identities, the way it hijacks "the family" or "blessings" or "God."

Mormonism can not define an individual human being. I agree with the idea that people and their identities are in a constant state of flux, adaptation, and growth. Why do some Mormons try to put people into neat little boxed categories?

I don't get it.