Made a bad deal with myself when I was a Kid. Choosed to please others with a hope in my heart about a better future where everything is fine and people would finally understand me and I would be happy. Only if I always felt shame about myself and listened to others instead I would be awarded with love.

Now I am sobering up. Ditched the bottle about three weeks ago. I had an "I" that was drinking and thinking in a endless loop but my body started to protest, especially my brain. I fused the "I" and the body together and let my body decide what I should do.

Now it seems to me that the "I" is going away and I wonder really who I am for the first tine in life. I can not keep pleasing others anymore. Probably this is really what I was looking for. Freedom from the endless loop of shame and guilt.

You're right, you cannot keep pleasing others anymore. You are not the false mindset you adopted early in life, you are YOU and waking up to your real Self. People are so much more complex than the roles they often accept for themselves. Look at members in the church; they're all the same, acting out the same script in hopes it will be worth it. That if they will only place their true selves on the sacrificial altar of Mormonism and put on the manicured identity that's been fashioned for them, that they will find happiness. And so they chase the carrot on the stick their entire lives, convinced that the fulfillment and wholeness they seek is almost attainable, but in truth it's been the same distance from them since the beginning. What we seek is already inside of us, everything we need to love and know ourselves is within. Congratulations on realizing you are not your vices, your addictions, or anything else. Now comes the fun (and sometimes challenging) part: who are you? Buddhist monks-in-training actually practice a meditation of asking themselves repeatedly "who am I?" And as they come up with answers, they will ask themselves "But is that really me?" And they continue doing this for long periods of time until they truly understand that all of the things they thought were "them" are not, that they are infinitely more than they could've ever conceived of before. The ego falls away to reveal the true Self. Most people live their entire lives never actually knowing who they are. Just look around next time you're out shopping or running errands; people everywhere living hum-drum, mediocre, predictable, ego-centric lives without actually LIVING. How many people actually look ALIVE and THRIVING when you're out and about? Not many. I think the majority of folks in the world are scared of knowing themselves, so they distract their minds for lifetimes with things that don't really matter in the end. Knowing yourself means finding your light and your shadows. Your TRUE light and shadows. Now that you're out of the church (I'm assuming you're no longer active/believe), you have so many opportunities to learn who you are without fellow human beings in suits with fancy titles telling you they know who you are better than you do. It's exciting to not have all the answers! Life is an adventure, now you can begin the journey of getting to know, love, and celebrate your true Self. :)

Hi Juliette!

Yes, the carrot on the stick were never there. What a trick played on myself and everybody! But the unravelling is undoing lots of things now. The world looks like another place. I can do lots of simple things without feeling guilt or shame. I can listen to a song without thinking what would "they" say? It is like being whole again for the first time in many years. The Buddhist questions are great means and in some ways you and I have experienced them but the context we came from those means were not for people to reach a general understanding but means for others to keep totalitarian control over our lives.

The problem with pleasing other people is that they may never be satisfied.

For me, serving a mission wasn't enough, baptizing 25-30 people wasn't enough, growing up in the church wasn't enough, having to put up with my bishop dad wasn't enough, accepting 2 callings in grad school wasn't enough (the third one was for elder quorum presidency position which I turned down and then left the church), them trying to control who I married wasn't enough, nothing would ever be enough.

If you give them what they want, then they may want more and more and more. . . . . until you tell them to go f themselves.

Your life will get better, soon or later. Hopefully, "sooner," but don't give up if it turns out to be "later."

You're on the right track kiddo. Just be YOU.

For half a century I was what my Parents wanted me to be, my fully indoctrinated wife expected me to be, and my church leaders demanded that I be. My Parents are now gone, wife passed away, kids all married and on their own, and I can finally relax and just be "me". I resigned from the mighty morg, and have a live in girlfriend now. And, best of all, I don't have to be what someone else wants me to be. And I like it!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=28GLa9T2CtI

I like it a lot!

Congratulations ! You can finally be yourself!!

That’s the trick. To thine own self be true. I used to be a super people pleaser. It turns out pleasing people just makes their lives worse. The best way to unravel someone’s unrealistic expectations is to disappoint them. I went to hell and back to figure out you can’t give someone the love they deny themselves.

That means you will be disappointed too. Life will have its way with you like Joseph on a teenager. Is that a bad thing? The Mormons would have you think that you did something wrong if life isn’t going your way. That’s confirmation bias. Whether you “sin” or not, the same sucky things are going to happen. The gospel is designed to control you to feed a money laundering real estate empire.

The meaning of life is entirely up to you. I like Dawkins finding so much meaning in biology without any God whatsoever. All of these Atheists prove that life can be very meaningful without God, although it’s not my kind of box.

The caveat “don’t do stupid shit” still applies. I don’t know why Moses needed 10 commandments to say that.

You are in a terrific position to take roads never traveled, greet new faces, and open book after book after book.

Lots of people never reach the spot you're in. Very sad, but true.

Lies are meant to be unraveled....then the truth can be found, seen and enjoyed.

I spoke with a high school friend today. Back then for us, in the dinosaur age, there was no internet, couldn't even imagine such a thing, no cell phones either, not even the dinosaur ones. As we caught up, she shared that she does not use the internet nor does she want to.

(I suspect this is mostly the MormonCult's indoctrination in her life that makes her take this stance).

My reaction was shock and disbelief because I cannot visualize a life lacking the amazing instant internet information whether it be correct or incorrect. For over a year I have had some health issues and I cannot begin to tell you how much having the internet kept me from starting WW 111.

This friend will never unravel the lies. It makes me sad.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/23/2018 12:56AM by presleynfactsrock.

Hello presleynfactsrock! Yes it is unravelling in a very rapid pace. My mind is all over the place. Many of the thoughts I have had through the years to impress others and reach external validation have become thoughts for own contemplation. It is a complete new meaning to everything I have done in life for nearly 28 years.

Took a walk in a local park today, a beautiful place with a castle in the center of the park. It is owned by the King and the Royal Family and he is a very generous person and allow regular joes like me to stroll around on his property.

It is winter here so very few people take a walk in the park. Tranquil..

Lately I have been thinking about the moon-landings. It just came upon me one day watching a movie on youtube. I have many looks a week at the winter landscape around me and I feel the cold and think a lot about the final arguments with people I never had the capacity to impress. I did not know that limit in me or them. We just did not know and it was arid and like a tranquil chaos.

The moon is a tranquil and arid place. No life there,nothing to see, no one to talk to, nothing to earth, no place for cultivation of life. Well there is nothing to do except looking back on life and home at the planet earth.

Like JFK said.

"We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things (accomplishments and aspirations), not because they are easy, but because they are hard"

What was hard? Well, I came to the conclusion that it was looking for external validation in people who have no empathy or capacity to reciprocate anything except the command to others to to chase mirages.

Why did I choose to try go to a place where there is no life? I tried to do the impossible and it is impossible to impress those who can not be impressed because they can not understand.

I am now leaving the moon a go back home to earth where life is. Momma I am coming home :)