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Posted by: Liza ( )
Date: February 25, 2018 04:33PM

I don't really believe in Mormonism anymore and have been distancing myself from it for the past few years, but my ultra-TBM upbringing has warped my view of reality so much, I can't even have normal, healthy relationships with people.

I got into contact with my birth family a while ago and have built a relationship with them. They're really generous, accepting, hard-working people and I love them. lingering Mormon views have caused me to internally judge them really harshly.

All I can think about is "omg my birth brother has tattoos" or "look at him, he's drinking beer" or "my fourteen year old sister is dressing SO inappropriately wow" or "they're shopping on Sunday" or "they drink coffee."

My birth parents live together (unmarried) and I'm constantly reminding myself of how wrong it is, even though their relationship is better than anyone in my divorce-ridden, emotionally abusive TBM family.

It's so pathetic and I absolutely HATE how I have to fight this mentality 24/7.

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Posted by: Cheryl ( )
Date: February 25, 2018 04:40PM

It doesn't happen in a day, and I'm proud of you for the progress I see in your post. That took guts!

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Posted by: Tevai ( )
Date: February 25, 2018 04:43PM

Cheryl Wrote:
> It doesn't happen in a day, and I'm proud of you
> for the progress I see in your post. That took
> guts!

I very much agree with what Cheryl said here.

Welcome to RfM!!!

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Posted by: Devoted Exmo ( )
Date: February 25, 2018 04:46PM

What a huge step that you recognize those scripts as judgmental and having no bearing on whether or not the people in your birth family are good people or not. That's huge!

The rest takes time, and sometimes a lot of time. But for many people, those old notions die away as you realize the uselessness of them.

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Posted by: paisley70 ( )
Date: February 25, 2018 05:07PM


These are normal feelings that you are having. You don't have to beat yourself up over them. It's good that you have an awareness, or metacognition nowadays, and these feelings will lead you to a change in attitude and behavior. It just takes time after leaving the Morg.

The feelings will eventually be replaced with a feeling of love and acceptance for other people. Feelings that were not possible had you remained a member of the LDs church. The church says that they love all people and do not judge, but this is simply not true. TBMs look down on others as inferior. Consider your awakening a great blessing. Over the next couple of years, you will be a changed woman.

Thank-you for sharing your feelings so publicly.


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Posted by: Jane Cannary ( )
Date: February 25, 2018 05:14PM

Here's something that will probably get your judgementalism under control a little quicker.

Buy yourself a couple of skirts at least 3" shorter than mormon length, and wear them. When summer rolls around wear a tank top on a regular basis.

Go to your local coffee house and try a mocha or another mixed drink. You might like it!

Every Sunday from now on, do at least one thing that breaks the sabbath. Run to the store for milk, laugh loudly, have breakfast next sunday (fast sunday), etc.

I know, I know, I'm SOOOO helpful. :-D

I agree with Devoted Exmo. Recognizing the problem is a huge huge step towards conquering it. You're more than halfway there.

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Posted by: summer ( )
Date: February 25, 2018 05:17PM

Board member SusieQ#1 only posts occasionally now, but I like her name for those recurring thoughts that have worn grooves in your brain: Automatic thinking scripts. The key to changing your thinking is to recognize an automatic thinking script when it starts playing, tell yourself to STOP, and come up with a positive replacement thought.

Positive replacement thoughts might include something like, "Tattoos are not that big of a deal. It may not be what I, myself would choose, but other people are free to choose differently. This person is a kind, loving, responsible individual, and that is what matters."

As others have mentioned, it is not the work of a day. Keep at it, and over time you will see progress.

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Posted by: nevermojohn ( )
Date: February 25, 2018 10:38PM

I completely agree with this advice. Recognize the script, stop, and change the script. You are more than half way there already because you recognize these scripts as bad programming.

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Posted by: sunbeep ( )
Date: February 25, 2018 05:44PM

Having spent half a century being steeped in mormonistic thinking, I too find myself judging others by mormon standards. However, over time, this process is slowly going the way of the Buffalo and sometimes I find myself being way more tolerant of someone's else's opinion. Shaking the shackles of mormonism takes time.

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Posted by: chipace ( )
Date: February 25, 2018 08:17PM

It's great that you can see where that judgemental attitude came from. It is so un-Christ-like. Another example of how mormon culture is hypocritical.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/25/2018 08:17PM by chipace.

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Posted by: relievedtolearn ( )
Date: February 25, 2018 10:29PM

I like Summer's suggestion above; I'd like to add that it might be even more effective if you say the new, corrected thought out loud (softly, while in a bathroom or something for privacy!!)

Obviously people on the rfm have made this transition, so there's hope!!!

Good for you for recognizing and for caring; it'll get better!

Instead of hating yourself, just identify the LIES that you are now able to recognize as not-who-I-want-to-be, and as Summer says, correct them.

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Posted by: lazylizard ( )
Date: March 03, 2018 01:23PM

Liza, I used to be just like you, only I lived with birth parents when I was leaving the church. You did the first step; recognizing the conditioning and seeing it for what it is - a false belief. Do not beat yourself over it, you just need to change your thinking.

Instead of "wow, her skirt is so short!" try changing it to "wow! Her skirt is so cute. I wonder where she bought it?"
Stuff like that.
Start changing your thinking. It will take quite awhile to detox all the crap you have been told, but once you start cleansing from the dilutions of church it will make you feel better about yourself and everyone else.

Change starts from within and then reveals itself from without.

Now, go out on a sunday and drink some coffe or get a chai tea. You may just like it!

Edit: If you EVER need anyone to talk to, you can always speak to me.

Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/03/2018 01:26PM by lazylizard.

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