What do you think of the commandment 'Honor thy father and thy mother'? There are other ones that have some real value...don't kill people, don't steal, etc. But this one I really have a problem with.

In my experience, growing up BIC, my parents viewed that as a free pass to treat their family like garbage....and we better honor them because it's a commandment from God! They are getting worse with age. They want their (adult) children to bow down to them.

It's dangerous. I've been become completely disillusioned not only in regards to tssc, but now also in regards to my parents. The older I get the wider my eyes are opened to the awful, reckless things they do. They are not good people. They hide behind religion in the most sanctimonious fashion. My mother has done things that she should be excommunicated for. But it's a commandment from God that I should 'honor' them no matter what?? I do not trust them. I don't even feel loving feelings towards them. I am in a zone of numbness. Will this feeling ever fade? For those that realized their parents were bad people...where do I go from here? Arms length relationship? Which is pretty much what I'm doing.

I believe anyone needs to earn respect. They can't be respected just because they are your parent.

When my ex left us and was basically torturing me and emotionally abusing the children, his sister told me that I needed to teach them to respect their father. I told her no way in hell would I do that. I didn't have to speak poorly of their father to turn them against him. He did that all by himself.

Now, we've come a long way and he has earned their respect TO A POINT. I am the one who provided that opportunity for them.

One day, before things improved much, my ex was treating me poorly because I didn't have a copy of my paycheck stub. My son started yelling at him about how he was treating me. My ex said to him, "When will you start treating me with respect?" My son said, "When you start treating my mom with respect." I was floored. My son was only a teenager, but he got it. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. I didn't even get it, but my son did.

Powerful!

I don't think anything of any "commandments."

"Commandments" are for giving people absolute rules and telling them not to think. Whether those rules are applicable in specific cases or not, whether the rules are reasonable or not, doesn't matter.

I prefer "teaching" people to think and reason. Then they can make good decisions about how to handle their lives -- such as whether or not to "honor" their parents (if they merit it). Or not, if they don't.

You can "honor your parents" in any way you decide. You can honor them by being kind and helpful to others, by being ethical and honest, by loving and supporting your spouse and children.

Your parents don't get to choose how YOU honor them. Too often, asshole parents use that "commandment" as a weapon in order to bludgeon their children into subservience. To "honor your parents" does not mean a lifetime of obedience and submission to every arbitrary whim of theirs.

My father was abusive (but nevermo). Once he tried to pull the "honor thy father" card on me. I replied that I did honor him, every day, by not showing up on his doorstep and beating the living s*** out of him. He never tried that again.

You might tell them that you're "honoring" them by allowing them to be part of your life for the present even though they don't deserve it; and if they continue with the browbeating, you will withdraw that privilege from them.

There were only going to be Nine Commandments but Moses just threw that one in at the last minute because he was having so much trouble with his own kids being disobedient and all. Hey. Couldn't hurt. Right?

All the things the supposed God could have written in stone and we get that? Hmmnnn.

You could "honor" them by recognizing their negative example and living your own life to a higher standard.

You don't just learn from the good.

Honor your parents by being the best person you can be

Thats what it means.

I try....

Let's put this in context. The whole verse: "Honor thy father and mother that thy days may be long on the land that the Lord thy God giveth thee."

Sounds like a threat to me. "You wanna live? Then do as I say."
Typical Bible stuff. Everything has an "or else" attached to it. It's, "Because I said so!" parenting style.

Posted by: sauci: "honor your parents by being the best person you can be. That's what it means".

P: Ditto.

However, sometimes you do better on improving yourself over your parent! I like to think I have done that, in regards to my own father's treatment of his children. He never beat us, but he sure liked to belittle me and and my siblings, to make us feel small. He made our weaknesses known (i.e., "kidding" my sister, that her ears sure stuck out, etc.). (I'm not going to tell you what he had to say about my features.)

pollythinks Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Posted by: sauci: "honor your parents by being the
> best person you can be. That's what it means".
>
> P: Ditto.
>
> However, sometimes you do better on improving
> yourself over your parent! I like to think I have
> done that, in regards to my own father's treatment
> of his children. He never beat us, but he sure
> liked to belittle me and and my siblings, to make
> us feel small. He made our weaknesses known
> (i.e., "kidding" my sister, that her ears sure
> stuck out, etc.). (I'm not going to tell you what
> he had to say about my features.)


Sounds similar to my mother. She tends to point out flaws no matter what I did, which is why a lot of my family gave up on doing chores and stuff "correctly," (aka her way). She also kept telling me that I should "go on a walk because you look fat." One time, at age twenty, I was wearing my corset (I freaking love them) and my mother stated I looked like a prostitute from an old saloon back in the 1800's.

I realized she tends to be very passive agressive or blatantly a bitch. It gets worse when she is hungry. She will "apologize" for yelling at you by stating she acted the way she did because her blood sugar was low.
It is never a real apology or "I am sorry I made you feel like utter shit."