I came out to my TBM husband a few months ago about not believing any of mormonism, and 3 weeks later was consequently kicked out of our house and hated by his whole family, and he told awful lies about abuse, hatred from me, that I just wanted to drink, etc.

I've been struggling with this. I was only in the church a total of fewer than 2 years, but these were all my loved ones, not to mention my husband who I wanted to stay with, and now I know they think I'm a worthless, abusive pig of a wife, who lost all my morals and just wants to drink all day and live in sin, etc.

Can anyone relate? If you've had a similar experience, what helped you get over it? I obsess over wanting them to see that I'm still a good person, with high standards and high morals. They can't see that through all the lies my husband told them all.

He even lied to BYU about what happened (saying I hated him, hated the church, hated everything, tried to lead him down a "dark path he couldn't follow") in order to keep his scholarship there. (BYU allowed him to keep his scholarship.)

Now I'm just ranting...but seriously, how do I overcome this need for their approval? The need to uphold my reputation? I just want them to understand I never hated anything or my husband, I wanted to live a good lifestyle with him, and I only left for doctrinal reasons. Should I just come to terms with the fact that they're so conditioned, they'll never be able to see that?

I think I'm just looking for support and assurance...anything helps. It's been hard to say the least.

Heartbreaking. Assume you live in Provo. Several questions.
Kicked out of what,where? Married housing? Rental appartment off campus? Your house?

Legal advice is sorely needed. Your husband is guilty of emotional abuse.

How are you supporting yourself? Employed? Where is your family?

Where to start on this is perplexing without background. But if your spiritual life remains Christian attending a Christian church locally may give you solace, some reputation survival and self esteem. The latter seems to have taken a beating

Gatorman

I was living in Provo; we lived in a house owned by his family member; since there was no expectation of payment and the family wanted me out, I couldn't legally have enforcement to stay there. My family is out of state, so I "escaped", had to quit my job to make the move just to live with them. It's better being down South far from Utah away from the situation, but emotionally I'm still there.

I'm Christian now, so I've been avidly attending a welcoming Christian church with my family, and that helps very much.

First get good legal counsel.

Second. Live your life as if his family no longer exists. It would never matter to them how great a person you are. They just see that you left mormonism. So live your life for yourself. Be successful in life. Be happy.It's the best way to get back at people that think you'll never amount to snything.

Third. It will take time to get over your ex. Take all the time you need. Get counseling if appropriate. Don't rush it.

And.... visit here and rant to your hearts desire.

This is actually typical Mormon behavior. Their religion conditions them to act like that, like real flowers turned to plastic. Proper Mormons don’t do unconditional love, you can even ask their prophet. Getting kicked out was the best thing that could have happened to you.

People in cults very often choose the cult over spouse, parents, and children. It's an ugly, painful fact. I hope things work out for you, but tuck away in the back of your thinking that it may be over, even as you attempt reconciliation. Perhaps re-courting your husband will work; perhaps, not. Keep praying for him (Luke 18:9-14).

https://bible.org/seriespage/16-unjust-judge-and-persistent-widow

There are ex-mos in the South. Perhaps the Admins can help connect you. But understand that on this board atheists are very vocal, and sometimes aggressive. Their advice will be mostly secular, or spiritual in a generic sense. There are other boards and ex-Mormon ministries that are more Christian friendly. Naming them is a violation of this board's rules, but a search will find them.

Also, you might use Craigslist or Facebook to look for former Mormons in your area.

You're articulate and seem composed, but you are in a crisis. Talk with your pastor. Consider professional counseling. Avoid people who say, "I told you so," and tell your parents you need their love and support. Find a few friends you can unload on, who will cry with you when needed. Make sure you're included in Christian fellowship which is both social and spiritual, and that people are praying for you. (I will.)

My Wife and I are ex-mos that have moved back to the south.

We cannot pray away another person's freedom to chose.

Sadly, your husband chose Mormonism over you. Move on.

Since he told lies about you and tore apart the marriage you undoubtedly went through a very traumatic experience.
But his behavior shows he wasn't right for you.

Mormonism turns sane people into crazies and makes crazy people into church leaders.

I would let them go completely. They are not worthy of your time, energy, or attention. You need to heal, and trying to convince them of how good you are will only delay that, re-opening the wounds.

There is a Christian Protestant Ex-Mormon group on Facebook. I can't remember their name, but you will be able to find them pretty easily.

It sounds like you don't have any children together. Be thankful for that! Otherwise, it would be a difficult divorce. At this point, I'd cut ties with the jerk and his family. You can't convince brainwashed people. And you cannot control what other people think or do.

If you don't have any kids to worry about, I would just move on from those people. Divorce is hard, but this looks like it was inevitable.

As others have said, please get an attorney. In many states. You can't just be kicked out of your home, regardless of your relationship with the landlord. You are due some compensation for that.

Hello mayrach, what happened to the first thread you posted about this? There were posts that were very helpful, imo, in that thread.

Is there something new regarding your situation?

I also married and divorced a BYU Mormon, from a fanatic TBM family. We lived in the same ward as his parents, for 14 years, and had children. During our entire marriage, he cheated on me, without my suspecting anything. Early in the marriage, my ex-husband found out that Mormonism is a hoax, so he became permanently "inactive." His TBM family blamed ME for that, even though the children and I were still active.

Mormons are experts at denial and blame. When my husband left me and moved in with one of his women, his TBM parents blamed me. They denied that their son could do anything wrong. Mormons in our ward made comments that maybe I wasn't giving my husband enough sex. "Blame the woman" seems to be the SOP for Mormons. When the children and I moved away, to start a new life back in my hometown, near my own family, near my old employer, near my friends, his parents told friends in our old ward that I had deserted my ex! I had to concentrate on helping my children heal, and to live a life as a single mom, and I was far away, so I didn't waste my time and energy in trying to change anyone's mind about me. I just cut my losses.

Well, remembering, I did try at first to keep contact with my in-laws, for the sake of the children, but nasty insults from my ex MIL stopped me in my tracks. I did keept a few good non-Mormon friends from that neighborhood, but I never heard from the Mormons. My children's grandparents, 3 aunts and uncles,the my ex sisters-in-law and my ex-husband's sister, my children's cousins there, had no contact with me or the children. Not even a Christmas card.

Yes, it hurt very much! But, that's the Mormon cult for you. I never wanted to get married again.

Years later, my reputation is golden, in the larger non-Mormon world. It had to be, for my business and as mother of my children. I do think it helped to resign from the cult (when I discovered all the lies) with my children, and immediately join a Christian church, and do volunteer work there.

When the in-laws died, the family members didn't want me at the funeral because my ex's new wife was jealous (the ex was still cheating, on her, now), so my children flew out alone. It was a bad experience, but helped them realize that nothing had been their fault, and that their father's TBM family are mostly nutzo-crazies. If you have no children, you would be wise to not bother with your ex-in-laws at all, in the future.

My children all married wonderful non-Mormons, and have houses close by, with children of their own. They have seen their father a few times, on their own, but he has never reached out to connect with them. When his parents died, he was dis-inherited, and the children, along with him. He lives with his wife, in a dirty, run-down house full of dogs. His wife is probably the meanest, nastiest daughter-in-law that I could wish upon my ex-inlaws!

Believe in Karma! What goes around comes around.

Logically, you don't need to care what CRAZY people think of you. Most Mormons aren't in reality, anyway. They think JS and his polygamy, polyandry, statutory rape, lies, cons, and crimes were fine-and-dandy! Whatever atrocities need to be done to preserve the Mormon church, are just fine! Including dumping your wife--that's fine, too!

Congratulations on moving away from all the craziness that is Provo, Utah! You are exactly where you need to be, right now. time, love, family, and friends will help prove to you that you are WORTH LOVING! Don't let the Mormons defeat you!

excellent exminion post is excellent ~

>>I wanted to live a good lifestyle with him, and I only left for doctrinal reasons.

Leaving a church for doctrinal reasons is a perfectly good reason in other Christian denominations. The Mormons just don't get that, because they believe their church is perfect, so they resort to name calling, i.e. you were lazy, offended, or wanted to sin.

Life lesson: Not everyone is going to be your fan. You will need to develop a thick skin and believe in yourself when others don't. Fortunately you are now in a more sane environment, surrounded by family and friends who "get" you. Use this as an opportunity to rest, heal, and regroup.

Leave the Mormons to their insanity. If your ex is lying and slandering now, he will certainly do it again to his next wife. Feel pity for her. You are now free to live a better, more enriching, diverse, and interesting life.

mayrach, here's your first post, which was responded to with very helpful advice, including by gatorman:

https://www.exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,2080989

What do you think of what people here posted the first time?

Yes, that was her FIRST post. It can often take quite some time to digest, evaluate, and work through problems associated with leaving the Mormon church. I hope that Mayrach keeps posting whenever needed to help with her recovery. I personally am glad to help her, and I know that my fellow board members are as well.

carameldreams Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> What do you think of what people here posted the
> first time?

When newcomers first come to RfM, there can often be a period of time before they post for the first time...

...possibly, for that person, a gigantic step requiring a great deal of courage...

...and then, after that first post (and the waiting for a responding post, which can be both frightening as well as hopeful), posting again...and then, yet again.

Everyone has their own natural pace here, and no reports need be made to anyone.

I appreciated the helpful posts so much! I reread and reread. Everyone has good and constructive advice. My questions were different each time - first, how to get over my husband and how could I have fallen for the church? Second, now I'm going through the difficulty of what my in-laws and old friends are saying, thinking, etc. Perhaps a more mature person wouldn't have to ask two or three different questions about the same situation!
But every answer seems to help in some way.

It’s obviously something she needs to keep talking about.Some trauma doesn’t go away so quickly. Some people, it can take years to get over something. The other post had a lot of responses, so it would probably be closed soon anyway.
There’s nothing wrong with making multiple posts, all of have here.

Cut all ties and start over if you can. It's not easy but the mormon mind is a weird and crazy one that is hard to change with the best effort.

In my opinion you seam to be actually dealing quite well with it. Impressive that you did not run back to Mormonism.

BYU does not allow ex Mormons to attened. BYU allows active members and non members.

Usually the advice is do NOT talk about not believing in the gospel while attending BYU. Keep your head down get your degree, once you have your degree in hand you can resign but not before.

Are you at BYU too?

My aunt got kicked out of BYU for getting pregnant outside wedlock. The man an RM who got her pregnant was able to stay at BYU. Double standart one gets punished the other doesn't.

Ofcourse you are very hurt right now. It will take time. You are so much smarter than I was I stayed in Mormonism although it made no real sence but I kept going to church every Sunday lol.

Believe it or not you have planted a seed in your ex husband he took it very hard that you do not believe in the false religion.

Remember the temple convernant you made "to give everything even your own life for the building up of the kingdom". I got endowed 1 day prior my wedding and I remember thinking that was scary giving my own life for my religion. In Mormonism the woman needs to harcken onto her husband as he harckens unto god. You should not think for yourslef and only follow your husband who follows the religion. Mormonsim decides what kind of underwear to wear and what color. What to eat and what not to eat. What movies to watch and not to watch. No pants to church for women.

To answer your question. "To get over it" is not going to happen fast. Relgion can bring people together or drift them apart. My mom and I had a bond due to Mormonism and by me leaving that bond has been broken. I have changed and it still hurts my family. Wow I could write paged to you.

To sum it up. You are smart. You are strong. You are young. You have no kids yet. You sound happy. You will be fine :)

Raises hand. Been there and done that.
Been called the slut and told no one would ever want me. Been told how I would only become a drunken nobody. My ex laid hands on me and told people I kicked him out of the house. He left our home and told me it was to "teach me a lesson" to see what it was like without the Priesthood. He told people how he really wanted the marriage, but was seeing another woman on the side. I was too ashamed to tell people he was abusive and broke me down with verbal and physical threats on a daily basis.

You know where I finally learned to look at my personal worth? During his absence. When I no longer had a narcissistic abuser in my life breaking me down, I could breathe and think. I was incredibly depressed for a long time and called a suicide hotline more than once to get me thru a few dark nights. I had night terrors and was on anti depressants.

The one thing he did to teach me a lesson and get me to beg for him back...was the turning point where I knew I was better off without him. I changed the locks and filed my papers. Since then I have rebuilt my life and I have more to show for it than HE does ;)

You see, YOU will find day by day...who you ARE. Now who a church or shallow church assigned friends say you are. You will gradually let go day by day the importance of what they think of you....and what YOU think of you will matter. Let all the beauty of who you are show. Be strong. Be kind. Be loving. Put your energy into beautiful things that feed your mind, body, spirit and soul. Take good self care and try to avoid putting energy into black empty pits that will give you nothing back.

The thing is...fools will believe lies without even knowing you or the truth. Mormonism breeds this foolishness. In their perspective only what is in their circle is good. Once you go outside the circle..you are bad.

Be grateful you know the truth of the matter.

There is a saying that it is better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you are NOT. I would rather live alone in peace, that be accepted by a group (or a husband) that only loved me as long as I played the role of happy Molly Mormon.

Yes your ex might seem like he is smelling like a rose right now and is maintaining the status quo by lying about his situation. Let him. ALL truth comes out. Remember that. Whether its 2 days, 2 months or 20 years..it will all come out eventually.

*how do I overcome this need for their approval?*
Ask yourself what the pay off is if they approval of you? How much is it worth? The only way I overcame it was to put all the love I deserved into me. I gave myself the thing I needed. I surrounded myself with genuine people. I did nice things for myself (even when I was broke I would at least buy a bottle of nail polish and do my manicure at home) I had actions that reminded me that I mattered. I read positive things. I went to church and prayed. I read scriptures that did speak to my heart about my worth...even if the world seems against you.

* The need to uphold my reputation?* You have no control over what people think or say about you. The only thing you have control of is how you react. You know what the best revenge is on someone who mistreats you? LIVING WELL AND HAPPY and looking good while doing it.

You do not need to convince anyone or explain to anyone who is not sincerely interested in you as a person/a relationship or friendship with you. Do not waste your time and energy on it. Its like pour a bucket of water on a dead plant.

Instead put that energy towards yourself. Even if its something simple. Go hug your parents. Go walk a dog. Go volunteer for a worthy cause. Put energy into creating the life you want and deserve, not the life behind you that you don't really want now. Because admit it...you don't really want that life. You just didn't want to be painted a pariah.

Let those people think what they want. Let them waste their energy on it. You have better things to do and better people to love in your future:)

RMM