Today's Dear Abby had a non-Mormon high school girl asking why the nice Mormon boy who took her to a dance never followed up. She wonders if it could be that he is Mormon? Abby consulted Dr. Allen Bergin, her "Mormon Contact", who said that the boy is just "shy."

https://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/2018/3/17/2/girl-is-puzzled-by-boys-silence

I could not resist the urge to respond:

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I'm afraid I have to disagree strongly with your response to "Don't Know In Texas" (March 17, 2018), the Jewish girl who asked whether the Mormon boy who took her to a dance, followed by "nothing." She suspected that he did not pursue a relationship because he is Mormon. You consulted Dr. Allen Bergin, who assured her that it was probably just that the boy is "shy."

Bergin is a prominent Mormon, and is probably biased, not wanting to say anything that would reflect badly on his church and his people.

May I give you a different view? I grew up as Mormon, most of my family are Mormons, and I know many Mormons and former Mormons. Although there is no hard "rule" against young Mormons dating non-Mormons, it is certainly a widespread practice among Mormon parents to discourage their children from getting romantically involved with non-Mormons ("Gentiles" in Mormon parlance). The basis for this practice is the Mormon doctrine that the only people who are allowed into the highest level of heaven are those who are Mormon and married to a faithful Mormon spouse. This Mormon boy's parents are likely afraid that he might eventually want to marry "Don't Know". Unless she became a faithful Mormon, he would never make it into that highest heaven. If he should marry her, she would always be under tremendous pressure from his family to convert. She told you that she would not convert, but she clearly does not realize how much pressure she would get, especially after children arrived.

I know of hundreds of people who did that (as non-Mormon, fell in love with a Mormon, married, and converted) and later very much regretted it. Some of their comments are on my website at http://packham.n4m.org/inlove.htm "In Love With A Mormon."

"Don't Know" is probably much better off by finding some nice non-Mormon boy to fall in love with.

In future, when you get such questions involving Mormonism, I would be happy to give you an opinion to counterbalance Dr. Bergin's pro-Mormon views..

Richard Packham
Founder and Past President of the Exmormon Foundation http://www.exmormonfoundation.org

Good response. But why, in this day and age, anyone would consult Dear Abby, without checking the Google God first, is questionable. I wonder if it's all made up crap?

Why consult Dear Abby? My best guess is there is no replacement to asking a prominent voice a question, and receiving their attention. I used to listen to Dr. Laura a lot before my mission. I remember finding it curious that people would risk probable insult by putting that lady’s attention on themselves.

I think it reminded them of their parents. First, they’re a dick, then they’re nice...it was like narcissism parallel where you just have to earn their good opinion to make up for the nasty one they just gave.

The reason I don’t like those columnists is because of their Pet Issues. Unlike an impartial therapist, the columnist has a crusade or agenda, perhaps to boost ratings. So if you’re looking for legit advice, you could get an extra dose of confusion if your issue strikes a nerve with that columnist.

Of course you are right and Alan Bergin is playing fast and loose with the facts.

The Jewish girl is lucky to be dumped as the longer she remained friendly with the mormon, the harder it would be to recover from her brush with mormonism.

Great response - and nice to see you here Mr. Packham - I hope you're well :-)

There is still a "Dear Abby?" I thought she and Ann Landers had both passed away.

gemini Wrote:
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> There is still a "Dear Abby?" I thought she and
> Ann Landers had both passed away.


They both died some years ago, but the daughter (or perhaps daughters) of "Dear Abby" who took over after her mother's death.

I think the response that the boy is just shy is inaccurate and unhelpful. Isn't that so much like Mormons? Let's not bother to give some actual helpful insight, mkay?

Your response on the other hand, does give helpful, accurate insight. It may not paint Mormonism in a good light, but at least the girl would know better what she is up against. You are respectful and don't write off her experience.

I bet the girl is thinking, "Huh, he doesn't seem shy to me at all. I don't know why the expert gave that estimation" And so she moves on unhelped and still in the dark about the boy's motivation/actions.

gemini,
Both Ann Landers and Abigail Van Buren, who were sisters, have passed away years ago, but I think the "Dear Abby" column has been continued by Abby's daughter. At least that is what I remembered from a few years ago. Not sure who is writing it now.

thanks for the update on the Dear Abby column. I did not know it was even something that had continued.

Here's a link to the current Dear Abby site; it's written now by Jeanne Phillips, the daughter of the original author, Pauline Phillips. Jeanne started writing the column in 2000 and then took it over in 2002, after she announced that mom had Alzheimers. She died in 2013, age 94.

https://www.uexpress.com/dearabby

I'm an old guy and used to read it regularly, getting the bug from my dear mother, who's been dead 38 years next month. I don't remember a time when she didn't read Dear Abby in the local paper and you risked her wrath if for some reason the DeseretNews here in Utah wasn't available so she could read the column.

I quit reading a few years back when it had been online for a while. It seemed like there was lots of repeats.

Yes, I was aware that Jeanne had taken over her mom's column. IIRC she had also worked as her mom's assistant for many years before she took over. A number of people who wrote queries got personal responses that never made it to print.

I read the column regularly until I could predict rather well what the responses would be. I think that Dear Abby and Ann Landers are two useful columns that have given out a lot of good advice over the years. But I agree with Richard that the ball was dropped on this one particular response.

I can only wish I had married one of the nonmormons I dated. I worried about dating them, but mormon guys didn't ask me out very often. I worked around a lot of single nonmormons and they asked me out a lot. My mom was talking to our very TBM neighbor, who told my mom "someone needs to date them." So I dated them. My parents didn't have any problem with me dating nonmormons and they wished I would have married one. They knew how much I struggled with mormon guys. They really didn't think it was a big deal.

Thing is, I never really believed the nonmormons I dated would convert. Obviously, I thought there was a problem with them buying into mormonism. BUT stupid me, I had to have a temple marriage. So much for that idea.

I've said it many times, NOW I'm with the first nonmormon who asked me to marry him. We've been together 13 years.

I just realized what my concern would be, so I'm really glad you replied. If this mormon guy likes her and he obviously does, he might play games with her emotions because he really wants to date her, but then can't. It is important she realize this is going nowhere and she needs to not let him play with her emotions.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/17/2018 07:37PM by cl2.

There's also a socio-cultural bias in Jewish families to date &/or marry someone not of their faith.

It goes both ways. I'm surprised didn't hear more from her on her own family's bias or lack of one.

And, Abigail Landers is Jewish. Inter-marriages are not uncommon in this day and age, but is still frowned on by observant Jews.

I saw that one too, and felt she really missed the boat in her answer.She did not even get into the fact that if the boyfriend is a serious Mo he will try to convert her.Nor as you mentioned, Amyjo, the Jewish opinion of intermarriage. My Orthodox father-in-law never spoke to me and never saw his grandchildren, because I am Catholic and half Polish and he was treated badly in Poland as a child. My mother-in-law was fine with it, just said "You are a nice girl, too bad you are not Jewish!" She was famous for saying whatever came into her head, but she had a good heart and knitted things for the babies.

Life goes on, my biological grandson's heritage is Polish, Irish, Jewish, Japanese, Chinese, and a bit of native Hawaiian, and my two adopted grandchildren are African American.It is all good.

I saw that too.
Thank you for sending the message to Dear Abby.
Yes, bad advice.

KJ/Tutu

***FACEPALM***

Yes Mr. Packham, you are spot on as usual.

And the sad thing is that this girl could have been writing about me 25 years ago. I had zero interest in non-Mormon girls as anything other than friends.

And hardly a day goes by that I don't kick myself for the wasted opportunities. I'd give almost anything to go back and re-live those years.