No Over Swearing

https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713

Anyone read this/listened to the audio book? It seems in ways like many other reads such as, 'Men Love B**t**s'.

I find lots of us ex-mormons, however we arrived to Mormonism and however long we stayed, struggled with making mountains out of molehills, majoring in the minor. It's part and parcle of our indoctrination which focuses on minor things and expands them as if they will save our very souls.

The church encourages us to be too nice, too accommodating and to blame ourselves for interpersonal conflicts. We tend to obsess about stupid stuff that derails our focus. We worry about what others think of us because we've been brainwashed that our likeability is our essence. We falsely chase a 'worthy' identity and neglect our character. Etc.

I'm curious what a life would be like if I stopped doing all the crap I do not want to do (NOT work since I do not bite the hand) and get real. I've done so many things I now regret because I got caught up in the frenzy that is a calling, a home teaching, a belief that my finances are fixed with tithing.

Yes, I have read it. Most of the use of the f-word takes place earlier in the book.

Personally, I gleaned one good thought. Most of the book was pretty light, IMO. Here’s the “biggie” (according to me)

We only have so many fucks to give. Therefore, what we give a fuck about has to be fuck-worthy.

BYU Boner Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Yes, I have read it. Most of the use of the f-word
> takes place earlier in the book.
>
> Personally, I gleaned one good thought. Most of
> the book was pretty light, IMO. Here’s the
> “biggie” (according to me)
>
> We only have so many fucks to give. Therefore,
> what we give a fuck about has to be fuck-worthy.

I forgot you taught me that boner. I need to remember the stuff you tell me better. Sometimes i get a little lost in this life. People seem to know more than me about life. But i really do not know much.

Just temember, Badass, that you are totally fuck-worthy; that’s much better than being temple-worthy!

I had a young teacher colleague who was having a very rough second year. She had some severely noncompliant and violent children. She had a talent for dealing with them, but was frustrated by the lack of support from administration (which is the norm in my school district. Teachers are expected to "handle" pretty much every student behavior, no matter how awful.)

At a certain point, while talking to me, she would cup her hands together and say, "This is all of my care." (Meaning, none.) She had no more f---s to give.

She interviewed with three schools in another, much calmer district. One school would have involved working with poor children again. Despite her experience, she was still drawn to working with the impoverished. I convinced her that she had already given all she had to give in that regard, and it was time to move on. She had done her tour of duty, and it was time for her to "come home." She accepted a job at a perfectly nice, calm, school.

So yeah, a person has only so many f---s to give. I see a number of teachers that get to that point.

Reminds me of Seinfeld and being sponge-worthy. I actually went through those days of having to decide that. Made ya think. I like that outlook on fuck giving. If I'm going to give a fuck, it had better be fuck worthy. Most things just really aren't.

It's pretty decent as far as self-help goes.

I get pretty tired of being told that my depression is my own fault.

If I were as enlightened as this dude, I could be A-Okay.

If I remember correctly, he pretty much figures one can think one's self out of any mental illness save schizophrenia.

Maybe my entire problem is a bad attitude.

He does have some interesting things to say.

There’s an excellent book called “Feeling Good: New Mood Cognitive Therapy” that is based on sound cognitive therapy written by a skilled therapist.

I read this book 30+ years ago and it helped me directly. I still find myself referring back to it when I get depressed. It’s based on rigorous cognitive research.

Like Madson, the aim of the book is to have one monitor one’s thought processes, recognize faulty logic, and then make self-interventions to prevent going down rabbit holes.

Unlike Madson, there’s rigorous psychological research (albeit dated) presented.

As this is an older book, it can be bought cheaply.

BYU Boner, I read that book about 30 years ago, too. I also got the workbook. (Was it Dr. Burns?)

Though I forget the name of the author, I remember the examples of faulty logic, and loading thoughts to support a negative hypothesis. It was eye-opening to see my self-depricating thoughts in print. Knowing what to look for, has helped me in turning my thinking around, to be more positive and self-supportive.

Mormonism teaches the opposite. It encourages members to be self-loathing. The cult blames the members for its faults, and brainwashes the members to readily take the blame and guilt, and swallow it whole.

Not giving a F--- about the cult has been very healing!

It took almost 10 years, but I finally stopped caring what the Mormon wierdo's think of me.

Thanks for the book suggestion, Carameldreams!

The authos is David Burns, MD. It’s still in print, around $6 on Amazon. That it’s still in print, after so long, is an indication of its applicability in helping people.

And, I agree there’s much catharsis in swearing. But, i am trying to cut back on the Board to keep it PG-13.

exminion Wrote:
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> Not giving a F--- about the cult has been very
> healing!
>
> It took almost 10 years, but I finally stopped
> caring what the Mormon wierdo's think of me.

That is a HUGE accomplishment and undoubtedly, took much mental discipline. I am not there yet, hence my curiosity regarding such a book as I OP'd. What might that be like to truly not give an F about so many things that sideline my mind today?

It is a start to wonder about such a life.

I’m not there yet, either, carameldreams. But, I’m certainly going to order the book!

Thanks for posting this! :)

No, but I don't give a FUnCK if you do, or if you don't.

After I left, I still struggled for years with the Mormon hangover of wanting to please, to be the ideal. It was torture. And it unfortunately took years to realize no one even wanted the Mormon mentality still clinging to me that I was offering.

I figured out a long time ago that with many parts of life the one who cares the least automatically wins. Who is most likely to win any negotiation? The one who doesn't care if they lose, the one who isn't in it to win it at any cost but knows they will be fine with or without the deal.

I often sing to myself the song "I Am What I Am"--the La Cage aux Folles version---to remind myself. Life got good when I finally just became myself and that was enough, that was everything, like coming out of the closet for a second time. There are eight million people on the planet and you can't please them all, so if you have to pick just one, it has to be yourself.

I think I'll check out this book. Can always use a refresher course. Thanks. Also highly recommend Co-dependant No More which really helped me.

Done & Done, that is beautiful. Thank you for your post! I completely agree that an important realization/key to life is to understand that the one who cares the least automatically wins.

What a concept!

LOVE, 'I Am What I Am', particularly the Dame Shirley Bassey version at Poms. The video shows an audience member visibly weeping at the end. Understandably.

Here's the super great George Carlin speaking to the same concept, this time, 'It's Important in Life if You Don't Give a S*&^':

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZGo6mWjk4Y

One of my major goals is to be so much in alignment with loving myself and life that I no longer invest in people and situations which distract and diminish my life.

I don't think the nervousness goes away (the author of the book states the nerves don't go away) but my relationship to the nerves can change. What I've noticed is I have zero mental energy on memories when I spoke truth and spoke up/stood up for myself. What bothers me and I obsess about are all the times I did *not*. Regret sucks a lot and I want to avoid that in the future.

I agree also that Melody Beattie's works are very good. Such a powerful brainwashing in Mormonism to rely on others for our happiness, control/enslave others to give us security, and that we must never make anyone 'unhappy' so we sacrifice ourselves for their wellbeing.

This:

" What I've noticed is I have zero mental energy on memories when I spoke truth and spoke up/stood up for myself. What bothers me and I obsess about are all the times I did *not*. Regret sucks a lot and I want to avoid that in the future."

That is what I do. Every thing I ever did were I didn't speak up, let someone roll over me, those are the memories that grate. I try to let them go, but as they say, "the cash register of my mind keeps charging me for debts I already paid." And usually at three in the morning. So I always speak up now. Always.

I need a statute of limitations for those memories that cling though.

Off-topic here:

Yesterday in Costco, we bought a Tré Leche cake covered with caramel.

Carameldreams, I was hoping that you were somewhere buying the same cake!

:)

I realized when I left the church that I no longer gave as many

f**cks as I did when I was still a member. Now I only give a

f**k about those things that are truly truly important to me

like Eldeo Old dog and my kids .... and anyone else I love.

It makes life so much more relaxing and fun when the f**ks

are prioritized.

I haven't read the book, but I subscribe to his blog. And I read his blogpost by that name. I really liked it.

However, I HAVE read another book called "F*** It: The Ultimate Spiritual Way". And I got it on audio as well, because I was too late to get the book in time a for book club. The author's voice was charming and and cheerful. When spoken with a British accent, even the F word sounds downright refined. It was basically about letting go, and going for it (letting go of your fears). And doing what you love. It was full of humor, and he even threw in some mindfulness and meditation exercises at the end.

In comparing the authors, Manson (The Subtle Art of . . . ) is a bit more sarcastic and 'in your face', and Parkin (F*** It) is a little more lighthearted. I like them both.

Ooh, thank you! I'll check Parkin's work out!