Eh fuck it, this was never going to end any other way. I'll kick my father's ass right in sacrament meeting in my street clothes. Face the cult cops and get locked up again, i can't win in a cult town and the rest of the world just watches tv everyday they're no help. Probably wouldn't be thinking this way if i wasn't in pain but oh well, doc did say i would be hurting way more after a nerve ablation.

One of the advantages of being an introvert is that I'm usually too busy avoiding people to notice they're avoiding me.

I wish you the best in your continuing struggle. May you find peace and happiness—which is never going to come from your father.

Hiya, Badass. :-)

I always sensed that I'd never please/appease/get along with my family, but it took someone I trusted completely to tell me:

"I've seen you when you were broke and talking to you family, and I've seen you broke when you weren't. You were doing *much* better when you weren't talking to them.

"I'm sorry to say that you'll never please your family, but if you think about it, I bet you can find a way to please yourself."

Please don't wait as long as I did to cut the ties, Adam. I was 45 years old when I decided that I'd take the chance of going it on my own. It wasn't and still isn't easy, but my life is now my life.

Again, it's not easy, and it's not as if the memory of my family's voices doesn't intrude on my wellbeing at times. But they no longer can add more horrible memories, pain, and feelings of worthlessness to those I already have. Distance (emotional and geographic), has given me the ability to incrementally beat them back because my perspective has changed.

It's hard, and it wasn't a clean break. It took many years, but I don't regret it. It was necessary.

What I do regret is waiting so long. I try to take it easy on myself - I kept hoping that I'd do something right that would change things. Still, I waited too long.

My love to you, Adam.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 06/10/2018 03:01PM by Beth.

Beth Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Hiya, Badass. :-)
>
> I always sensed that I'd never please/appease/get
> along with my family, but it took someone I
> trusted completely to tell me:
>
> "I've seen you when you were broke and talking to
> you family, and I've seen you broke when you
> weren't. You were doing *much* better when you
> weren't talking to them.
>
> "I'm sorry to say that you'll never please your
> family, but if you think about it, I bet you can
> find a way to please yourself."
>
> Please don't wait as long as I did to cut the
> ties, Adam. I was 45 years old when I decided that
> I'd take the chance of going it on my own. It
> wasn't and still isn't easy, but my life is now my
> life.
>
> Again, it's not easy, and it's not as if the
> memory of my family's voices doesn't intrude on my
> wellbeing at times. But they no longer can add
> more horrible memories, pain, and feelings of
> worthlessness to those I already have. Distance
> (emotional and geographic), has given me the
> ability to incrementally beat them back because my
> perspective has changed.
>
> It's hard, and it wasn't a clean break. It took
> many years, but I don't regret it. It was
> necessary.
>
> What I do regret is waiting so long. I try to take
> it easy on myself - I kept hoping that I'd do
> something right that would change things. Still, I
> waited too long.
>
> My love to you, Adam.

Nothing is easy about this. I missed you beth by the way. I always second guess myself because my father always appears healthier than me like he has some kind of edge on me. I have to may a clean break and take it even farther with confidence in myself that i can last without the suppression of a family and a religion.

Hey - it's hard. We are super-conditioned to remain in a family, I think more so when it's toxic. Within the confines of TSCC, families are forever, right? Pulling away is so, so hard.

There's hope, Dear One. Remember that.

Beth Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Hey - it's hard. We are super-conditioned to
> remain in a family, I think more so when it's
> toxic. Within the confines of TSCC, families are
> forever, right? Pulling away is so, so hard.
>
> There's hope, Dear One. Remember that.

Yes it is hard when it comes to that religion and the toxicity that you are so used to. I almost feel like i declared war when i finally resigned, oh well i was born for this war think. Born and bred in hell on earth to one day rise above it all haha.

I'm tearing up at work reading this thread. Beth's advice is good advice. Don't wait until you're older to cut the mormon ties. I was almost 40 when I did, and wish I had acted sooner. Wish I could hug you right now. You are not alone. I've gained much solace from the RfM family over the past 10+ years being away from the church. We/They are here for you!

xoxo
HippieG

olderelder Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> One of the advantages of being an introvert is
> that I'm usually too busy avoiding people to
> notice they're avoiding me.
>
> I wish you the best in your continuing struggle.
> May you find peace and happiness—which is never
> going to come from your father.

I am an introvert but i have found that avoiding things is very unhealthy. Been avoiding things for most of my life.

If someone shuns you, laugh at them. Then proceed to ignore them.

Exactly. What's the problem? The people shunning me are those who I don't want anything to do with in the first place. Painful?? WTF!?!? I'd be celebrating.

Jaxson Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Exactly. What's the problem? The people shunning
> me are those who I don't want anything to do with
> in the first place. Painful?? WTF!?!? I'd be
> celebrating.

I don't know my father is just a fucker sometimes on purpose being an arrogant asshole on his way to his mighty cult that makes him feel like royalty or something.

My father knows EXACTLY what he is doing. I am almost completely free of him now and he knows it, and now he knows financially as well pretty soon here.

Then MOVE AWAY. That would solve many problems.

Aquarius123 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Then MOVE AWAY. That would solve many problems.

To where? Where is this magical place that you've all found away from that religion? I want to know where the utopia of normal and sane people are.

Badassadam1 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> To where? Where is this magical place that you've all found away from that religion? I want to know where the utopia of normal and sane people are.

Basically anywhere outside of the Morridor. I live in Maryland and have almost no contact with Mormons. Not one Mormon here has ever tried to sell me on their religion. They have to play nicely with nonmembers because we are the majority.

Identify what you are looking for in a community and move there. Just stay away from the Morridor.

summer Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Badassadam1 Wrote:
> --------------------------------------------------
> -----
> > To where? Where is this magical place that
> you've all found away from that religion? I want
> to know where the utopia of normal and sane people
> are.
>
> Basically anywhere outside of the Morridor. I live
> in Maryland and have almost no contact with
> Mormons. Not one Mormon here has ever tried to
> sell me on their religion. They have to play
> nicely with nonmembers because we are the
> majority.
>
> Identify what you are looking for in a community
> and move there. Just stay away from the Morridor.

What is the morridor exactly? Idaho, utah, and arizona? I have lived in the fucking morridor for most of my life. I have only been to other states for work. This religious influence has literally fucked up most of my life i think. It would be hard as hell to make a blind move to a town where no one knows me very far from everybody and everyone i once knew. I have a friend that lives in tennessee but that is the only one really that is out of the morridor. Is it just those three states in the morridor? Their constant bullshit is killing me. Making me feel like some traitor or something to their handshake god. Things would be different if i was healthy.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mormon_Corridor

And a map:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mormon_Corridor#/media/File:LDS_Percentage_of_Population_2000.PNG

Basically Utah, Southeastern Idaho, and surrounding portions of other states.

You would be fine in Portland, Seattle, Denver, and many other areas. Yes, it can be difficult to get established in a new area. But many people do it and thrive. I lived in Colorado for eight years and loved it. A friend moved to Portland for a number of years and enjoyed her experience. If you choose well, you can find a place that will make you happy.

summer Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mormon_Corridor
>
> And a map:
>
> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mormon_Corridor#/med
> ia/File:LDS_Percentage_of_Population_2000.PNG
>
> Basically Utah, Southeastern Idaho, and
> surrounding portions of other states.
>
> You would be fine in Portland, Seattle, Denver,
> and many other areas. Yes, it can be difficult to
> get established in a new area. But many people do
> it and thrive. I lived in Colorado for eight years
> and loved it. A friend moved to Portland for a
> number of years and enjoyed her experience. If you
> choose well, you can find a place that will make
> you happy.

Fuck i was raised in morridor in gilbert arizona and now i am still in morridor in pocatello, idaho. No wonder i'm fucked up. Been surrounded by this madness most of my life without even knowing it was madness.

Where can you go? Astoria, Portland, south beach, vancouver seattle, canada, Mexico spain but first you have to resolve to be happy.where do you like to livr, beach, lake, river, deseret and move on from there.

Anon 3 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Where can you go? Astoria, Portland, south beach,
> vancouver seattle, canada, Mexico spain but first
> you have to resolve to be happy.where do you like
> to livr, beach, lake, river, deseret and move on
> from there.

Been to mexico and no way in hell would i live there. Think of the worst ghetto in america and multiply it by three and thats mexico. Got robbed the second day i was there.

I think Mexico is a bit larger than what you've seen, Adam.

Develop an Anthony Bourdain sense of adventure and a desire to connect with people from other cultures. You don't have to be rich to live in a funky cool place.

Beth Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I think Mexico is a bit larger than what you've
> seen, Adam.
>
> Develop an Anthony Bourdain sense of adventure and
> a desire to connect with people from other
> cultures. You don't have to be rich to live in a
> funky cool place.

Mexico does seem bigger when i see it on a map hahaha.

Learning how to shun others is a Mormon art form. There were enough snobs I attended church with that picking it up was to show them I was tough enough to withstand them.

Instead of waiting to be shunned by TBM's, you shun them first. Ignore them, in other words.

If it's your own father because he lives across the street? Well, once you move away or he dies, then you won't need to have a show down anymore. Movin' on.

You don't really expect anything different from them do you? Stop stewing about dealing with toxic people. The less you expect from them, the less you'll be disappointed.

Amyjo Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Learning how to shun others is a Mormon art form.
> There were enough snobs I attended church with
> that picking it up was to show them I was tough
> enough to withstand them.
>
> Instead of waiting to be shunned by TBM's, you
> shun them first. Ignore them, in other words.
>
> If it's your own father because he lives across
> the street? Well, once you move away or he dies,
> then you won't need to have a show down anymore.
> Movin' on.
>
> You don't really expect anything different from
> them do you? Stop stewing about dealing with toxic
> people. The less you expect from them, the less
> you'll be disappointed.

It's definitely an art form you got that right. It's crazy to see all of my father's behavior and control mechanisms from a distance instead of being underneath him. Nobody knows him better than i do, i am the only person he can never fool. I am him practically i know him so well. I know him better than i know myself.

But beating his ass in sacrament would be a bad idea wouldn't it? It would be pretty glorious though and poetic. A fitting end to a long chapter.

No, it wouldn't.

You still need to deal with your anger, which you seem to have some serious issues based on how you vent here.

Your dad is only human. Stop trying to make others responsible for your bad behavior. You are an adult now. Act like one.

Amyjo Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> No, it wouldn't.
>
> You still need to deal with your anger, which you
> seem to have some serious issues based on how you
> vent here.
>
> Your dad is only human. Stop trying to make others
> responsible for your bad behavior. You are an
> adult now. Act like one.

You are right i have to act like an adult. If other adults want to do weird things away from me that is their own business. I do have anger problems for sure. Is anyone more angry than the badass? Probably not. I did not ruin my own life. The memories are there. It started with the actions of others. The proof is in the memories, god betrayed me first and he fucking knows it. Don't really care about the rest of the world spinning in circles watching tv every fucking day.

I think every TBM dad does this to their children without knowing it. When confronted about it, they deny it completely. In their eyes, they are right and you are wrong. My dad is the same way, he is never wrong and the cult has never done anything bad, ever. Because he is old he thinks he knows everything. My parents will not admit to ruining my life because they made the choice of making me a member of their cult.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 06/10/2018 07:42PM by jett.

jett Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I think every TBM dad does this to their children
> without knowing it. When confronted about it,
> they deny it completely. In their eyes, they are
> right and you are wrong. My dad is the same way,
> he is never wrong and the cult has never done
> anything bad, ever. Because he is old he thinks
> he knows everything. My parents will not admit to
> ruining my life because they made the choice of
> making me a member of their cult.

Yes exactly. My father and his damn religion are never fucking wrong. No fucking apologies for anything that happened to me as a kid. I really really want to be the one that breaks the cult and if their is a cult god i want to break him as well.

Adam, while you're looking for someplace to go, I'd recommend staying away from Southern or rural states; you dont need non-mo religious issues either. Nevada might work. California, while great in the metro areas is also very expensive.

Why avoid southern states? Im in TN and never have mormon related stress.BTW Adam, everyone has issues. All of us have problems. And u said that you are too sick to work, but somehow you are going to win a fight with your dad< You might just get a beat down if you try that at church.

No offense was intended, JT.

I was thinking Bible Belt in particular and should have been more specific. Trading one form of forced conformity for another might not be a good idea for Adam. There are plenty of urban areas (Nashville and Atlanta come to mind) where one won't be noticed if you're not a churchgoer. I'd just stay out of the everybody knows everything towns!

jthomas Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Why avoid southern states? Im in TN and never have
> mormon related stress.BTW Adam, everyone has
> issues. All of us have problems. And u said that
> you are too sick to work, but somehow you are
> going to win a fight with your dad< You might just
> get a beat down if you try that at church.

Never said i would win over my dad but i would get a good shot in.

a few weeks ago, I was trying to think what I did and I couldn't remember.

Some years ago, I went to live with my boyfriend in Colorado. I finally had a break where I could. My son needed me to get away from him. My daughter was in Alaska working. And my dog had just died. I stayed here until he died. Then I dropped my daughter off at the airport and drove to Longmont, Colorado to stay with my boyfriend. I'd come home once a month. My ex moved into the house.

It was difficult in some ways, but then my boyfriend started working in CA during the weeks and I was there alone with his giant German Shepherd, and I had time to myself with nobody bugging me. I got away from my siblings and my kids and this house that I worked so hard to keep and yet I hated the place, and I got away from the mormons. And I can't believe what a great thing that was for me. I'd listen to music as I'd drive back and forth 22 times, and I healed A LOT.

I don't think it is a matter of where. It is a matter of getting away from the toxic environment you are in. I know right now you don't have the opportunity, but one will come up someday.

I now live back in my house. Boyfriend is living in Cache Valley, too, got a job here 5-1/2 years ago. I refuse to live with him for many reasons. He's too set in his ways!!! I tend to let people make me disappear, so I have to be careful.

But someday the chance will come. It doesn't mean you have to stay away forever, but to get some distance from the toxicity. I still have my issues, but not like I did. It was so nice to be able to just take care of ME for a change.

I have determined moving away by myself to a new state where i don't know anyone would be a bad idea right now. My counselor agrees so i trust her judgement.

I was born in Los Angeles, lived in San Diego most of the time until I was 27, and from there, moved to Denver, Seattle, Cincinnati, and New Orleans with ex's company. When the ex moved his GF into our home, I decided it was time for me to move on.

The Federal agency I work for had a new office opening up in New Mexico, and they especially wanted English/Spanish bilinguals, which I am. So I moved here in 1989. Didn't know a soul. Only the job was familiar.

After growing up and spending a quarter-century or so in the same city, it was difficult, grasshoppering all over the country. I had literally never experienced snow until moving to Denver. Now, being old and rather creaky, I wouldn't care to relocate. It is difficult, moving to a new place, and learning your way around.

But you are still relatively young, Adam - I bet you could do it. Make a list of the characteristics you are looking for in a place, and then see what locations might work for you. I bet that many of us here could help with info about specific locations.

I absolutely HAD to get away from my mother. She was a very abusive person. But it also meant leaving my dearest friend. But BFF stayed in touch by phone and email for the remainder of her life. I'm a Westerner at heart. I've visited NY, lived in Ohio and Louisiana, but prefer the western third of the U.S. That's just me.

If I could move, all by myself, from Louisiana to New Mexico, I bet that you can move from Pocatello to wherever you choose, as long as you have thought and planned carefully. If you move, EXPECT to feel lonely for a while. EXPECT to ask yourself, "Oh, WHY did I do this??" for a while. It will happen. But as you become more settled, I bet you will be a happier person.

It will be very therapeutic planning your escape
Start doing research now, it will serve as great distraction from issues that drive you nuts, like living in Pocatello with 74% Mormon population, and your family tooooo close for comfort
In such a vast country as the US, you will find somewhere better, where you are now is killing you, you deserve better
Best wishes and good luck

FNQ sparky Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> It will be very therapeutic planning your escape
> Start doing research now, it will serve as great
> distraction from issues that drive you nuts, like
> living in Pocatello with 74% Mormon population,
> and your family tooooo close for comfort
> In such a vast country as the US, you will find
> somewhere better, where you are now is killing
> you, you deserve better
> Best wishes and good luck

Maybe i could last somewhere else when i really think about it.

Happy days Adam, now your on the right track
You will last for sure, you're a survivor, look at the tests you've been through and still a few more ahead , you've progressed very well
I did a geographical change 10 years ago, from a cold region here in Australia to the far north tropics, never regretted it for a moment , even though work prospects are limited.
So good for the soul not having to endure cold miserable winters
It was a hard change at the time but like you, I know I had to do it, and you will to
Google earth is a great tool to visit or other places, gets you out of Pocatello

FNQ sparky Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Happy days Adam, now your on the right track
> You will last for sure, you're a survivor, look at
> the tests you've been through and still a few more
> ahead , you've progressed very well
> I did a geographical change 10 years ago, from a
> cold region here in Australia to the far north
> tropics, never regretted it for a moment , even
> though work prospects are limited.
> So good for the soul not having to endure cold
> miserable winters
> It was a hard change at the time but like you, I
> know I had to do it, and you will to
> Google earth is a great tool to visit or other
> places, gets you out of Pocatello

Yea these winters here kill me and slow me down a bit. I think i need to resolve a few more health issues before i do anything drastic, i used to move around from state to state all the time for work and it really was not the best idea. I have only been able to fix one health issue at a time but if i want to work full-time again and last in the workforce i have to take care of these health issues. I crashed and burned literally when i was 29 and i never want to go through anything like that again. Health comes before everything no matter what anyone says. I can always make tons of money later, i've done it before and i can do it again. I am disabled but i don't feel i will be anymore once i get a little further.

Well you're only "in the shop getting work done",for a short while , and that's your first priority.
So what happened that you crashed and burned? Sorry it's none of my business, but we always learn from events in our life upon reflection, and that's where your at, it's like time out, time to recover.
Some people never get that opportunity, their life just goes on and on and on, distracted with marriage, kids, work and a ton of obligations.
I know you understand that's it's better to go thru this shit now while you've got youth, the will and strength to deal with it.
It's tough, the shunning bit and being so close, but fuckem, shun them back, just because they're family, doesn't mean you're obliged to do and think their way.
Feel proud to be an individual with your own thoughts, ideas and standards, too bad they are incompatible with what you need and want
Like I said before , don't drink the poison and wait for the other guy to die, it never works that way.
All the best for now