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Posted by: Pooped ( )
Date: June 10, 2018 02:56PM

My last aunt and last family member of that generation, besides my mother, died on May 31st so the subject came up with my mother about her memorial when her time comes. I'm her executor so I told her that when we have her memorial (no funeral) it will be difficult to be near my niece who is very rude and dismissive towards me at every family function. When Mom dies I'm going to be very sad and tender and don't want to even see this niece.

My mom is so great! She said, "Don't tell them I died. They don't come to see me. They don't care anything about me except when they will be getting their inheritance. I don't even care about a memorial. Those that care about me have been visiting me now, while I'm alive. Just bury me and go on a vacation." She has one Mormon friend who visits her regularly and she would like me to tell her but that's the only person she has directed to tell that she has died.

Knowing Mom's wishes makes this easier but it will be the death knoll on any remaining family relationship with my sister and her brood. There isn't much of a relationship now but my sister will love playing the victim.

I'm thinking of just putting the statement "no memorial as per her request" in her obit and releasing it to the newspapers as I drive out of town on my vacation.

Is this feasible/appropriate?

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Posted by: Beth ( )
Date: June 10, 2018 03:06PM

If it is good for you (because I think that funerals/memorials exist to provide solace for the living), and because this is your mother's wish, drive out of town knowing that you have honored your mother's wish that wonderfully coincides with yours.

Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 06/10/2018 03:21PM by Beth.

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Posted by: Tevai ( )
Date: June 10, 2018 03:09PM

I absolutely agree with Beth!

Your Mom lovingly gave you an out, so take it!

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Posted by: Beth ( )
Date: June 10, 2018 03:12PM

Hey, you! (((Tevai))) (No threadjack here - just a warm smile)

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Posted by: Tevai ( )
Date: June 10, 2018 03:18PM

Beth Wrote:
> Hey, you! (((Tevai))) (No threadjack here - just a
> warm smile)

Hi, Beth!!


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Posted by: Cheryl ( )
Date: June 10, 2018 03:16PM

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Posted by: Amyjo ( )
Date: June 10, 2018 03:21PM

I like it.

That you and your mom both agree, even better. :)

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Posted by: summer ( )
Date: June 11, 2018 12:28AM

I don't think you even have to put that much. Many people use the phrase, "Burial will be private" or something similar.

My brother and I did not have a funeral or memorial service for my mom. Most of her friends and siblings had already passed on. The rest lived at a great distance. We simply had her cremated and then buried with just immediate family present.

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Posted by: sbg ( )
Date: June 11, 2018 09:00AM

Another thought is just publish it after the fact with private internment has already taken place. Someone I know died in April, the obit appeared this month with basically that statement. No funeral or memorial service, just a she died and we already did what we wanted to do.

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Posted by: Lethbridge Reprobate ( )
Date: June 11, 2018 09:51AM

Looks like your mom had it figured out. Do it! If someone is bent, too bad.

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Posted by: Done & Done ( )
Date: June 11, 2018 10:11AM

If your mother were to put it in writing that would let you off the hook. You would only be honoring her official request to notify no one. It would be wrong not to honor her request.

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Posted by: cl2notloggedin ( )
Date: June 12, 2018 12:16PM

when I die do I want my niece and nephews (and my older sister) to know and I said NO! It isn't like I'm going to die anytime soon (that I know of), but once my parents died, I realize my siblings and I are next. And I think about what I need to do before I die.

I only want a graveside "service" with just a few people. I can't bring myself to be cremated!! Buried? You'd think! Must be a mormon thing.

My boyfriend's dad died 2 years ago. He was almost 92. He went the way he wanted to--AT HOME. When EMS got there, his wife wouldn't allow them to perform any lifesaving even though EMS wanted to. HE DIDN'T HAVE AN OBITUARY. They had a party celebrating his life with his family and some neighbors. He was cremated and when his wife dies, then my boyfriend will be spreading their ashes where they have told him to.

Nobody needs to know. I agree with others. If they aren't visiting your mother now, then why should they know when she dies? I love what your mother told you to do. DO IT!

My relationship with my sister is long over. I still grieve for my relationships with her kids. Let them grieve what they lost when I'm gone. I was always there for them when their mother was a royal bitch. They always came to me.

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Posted by: nonmo_1 ( )
Date: June 12, 2018 06:46PM

"My mom is so great! She said, "Don't tell them I died. They don't come to see me. They don't care anything about me except when they will be getting their inheritance."

Uh...if your mom has no relationship w/your niece, why would your niece be in your mom's will?

I have 2 kids and a few nieces and nephews. My kids will be getting whatever I leave behind. Now if I was what I consider...filthy rich, I would rethink that, but I am not, so my kids are the soul beneficiaries..

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Posted by: Pooped ( )
Date: June 16, 2018 02:37AM

My niece is not in Mom's will. But she thinks she is. The niece is eager for her mom (my sister) to inherit because her mom is flat broke and she and her brothers are on the hook to take care of their mom. When my mother dies my sister will be solvent and her kids will be off the hook.

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Posted by: catnip ( )
Date: June 13, 2018 01:22AM

I had lived out-of-state for ages, but as the only child, I had to go back home and put things in order for a funeral. It was brief and perfunctory. She had very few friends and/or surviving relatives. To be honest, she wasn't a particularly nice person.

Mostly, it was an excuse for long-time friends and family to get together and enjoy seeing each other! Most of us had not seen each other in YEARS, so Mother's passing was as good an excuse as any to get together and have a wonderful visit.

That sounds kind of ghoulish, but that's how it was.

I have outlived most of my friends and relations, too. I have outlined a brief memorial service that my family can honor, if they wish. I'd be just as happy if they got together at the Olive Garden or someplace, lifted a glass, and had a happy evening together.

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