All of my life, I was told to be an “example of the believers.” I also felt an even stronger sense of responsibility because I’m a black Mormon and since there are so few of us, I need to represent my race and religion well.

I work with a lot of non-Members and I talk to my non-Member birth family a lot, but I never talk about the Church. I drink coffee and dress kind of punk-ish (?) and I’m not very conservative.

I’m happier, but I constantly feel this endless guilt under it all because I’m not being a good example to the non-Members around me and I’m probably an embarrassment. I feel like I’m failing my life mission. I was taken from a bad situation and adopted into a white, Mormon family and given a good home and lots of opportunity, but now I’m turning my back on everything. I feel like a slacker/loser/failure even though I don’t fully believe in Mormonism anymore. This cognitive dissonance sucks.

I would say stop feeling guilty. Mormonism has a lot of baggage and We are what we are. Since your looking outside the mormon foundation. What new ideas are you looking at? Maybe there is something in the African American identity, contributions, and legacy to look into more?

You were fed lies.

The biggest one? That your "life mission" was to be a good example to non-members.

Here's a truth to replace that lie:

Your "life mission" is to be true to yourself, and decide for yourself what your "life mission" is.

Go forth and prosper :)

Your parents gave you a good life and you owe them respect and gratitude for that, but they cannot expect to own your brain. Part of the process of growing into an adult is to form your own opinions about things and that includes religion.

What you don't owe your parents is a lifelong membership in a church you do not believe in. You can respect their right to worship as they please, but don't have to remain a believer to show that respect. And they must respect your own ideas and opinions too. You have a right to ask for that. If they can't give you that right, you might have to go your separate ways as some point.

You are absolutely failing the Life's Mission assigned to you by your adoptive parents and the church they happen to belong to.

And yes, you could be called to account for taking advantage of all the 'good' they did for you and gave to you, which you are now failing to repay. If you think there is Some Higher Power that watches and judges, of course you're going to feel guilty, mostly because that's how you were taught!

But it's YOUR life! I don't feel we owe a debt of abject servitude to those who raised us. To heck with them if they can't take a joke! I doubt very much that you would expect a child you raised to, as an adult, ONLY do things you sanctioned. Things are just too wide open now for that kind of thinking.

I might agree that you owe your adoptive family something in the way of a debt, but it doesn't include them dictating the course your life will take.

You come first, until you fall in love ... and then have kids...

The good thing about Mormons is that they aspire to goodness. The bad thing is that they go about it the wrong way. Why don’t you just do it your way? Because the leadership is clearly unqualified to tell you how. Society keeps moving forward while they stand still, so they’re losing the moral race. The system they inherited is just set up like that.

I had some cog dissonance when I turned my back on everything I believed in, but I knew I was right. I realized I had been living a lie my whole life. I didn’t know who I was anymore. But one thing was for sure. Things couldn’t go back to the way they were.

It wasn’t me, it was them. They used guilt to control me all this time, when their history is a complete whitewash. Not only are the BoA and BoM easily proven frauds, but Joseph Smith lived a secret life that would make a ho blush.

You’re a human being living in the 21st century. The pivotal century, in my opinion. Just look at we’ve overcome in the last 50 years. Can you imagine the next 50? My life’s mission required me to leave Mormonism. Maybe yours does too.

Leaving Mormonism behind is an example of being true to yourself. Many people can’t do it. They have put themselves in a position that they can’t trust themselves. Lying for the Lord is toxic because if you do it willingly, how can you really trust yourself? When the chips are down, all you have is you. In too many cases, it’s not enough.

You should be proud to be making such progress. It means you did something right.

Hi Jamie, you are not feeling guilt, but shame. Guilt is legitimate regret FOR SOMETHING YOU HAVE DONE. Shame makes a person feel badly because is not based on an action, but negative mind set. Guilt would be, “I feel bad that I did ...” shame is, “I’m a bad person.”

I hope this helps you realize that Mormonism has shamed you, and that you have not done something wrong.

Welcome to the Board, I hope you’ll join in the conversations.

As William Shakespeare said:

This above all: to thine ownself be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not be false to any man.

In my experience, being true to myself was just the start. Once I started to do that, truly do that, the rest of the saying just naturally followed.

Can I give you some advice?

Stop it! :-)

You're OK. You've been given artificial reasons to determine your worthiness. It's a rotten attempt to make you fall for the old "guilt trip" nonsense.

My motto: Nobody can make you go on any guilt trips you don't want to go on. I choose not to go on any.

Somewhere alone the line, I determined that guilt was used to control people and I was not going to be their victim.

Sure, some guilty feelings are appropriate, for about three minutes to figure out you messed up and then fix it, if you can. Then be done with it.

Feelings of guilt and shame are self sabotage for any longer than three minutes. That's my limit. :-)

They wanted to use you and abuse you. You were too smart to let it continue. Hope you can rise above it. You deserve a good life with no guilt.

I still feel insane guilt. I was told by a mormon that i was one of god's top dogs, no pressure. Mind you i was never defended from any abuse or suffering in life from a god as if i were one of his top dogs.

Did you ever thank God for your suffering and ask for more?

Babyloncansuckit Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Did you ever thank God for your suffering and ask
> for more?

Maybe i embraced the suffering a little too much back then. Never asked for more just didn't think i had a choice but to take it. Maybe deep down i thought it would make me stronger but i don't think it did.

It forced you to disconnect from a life-killing cult, didn’t it? It’s like you just got divorced from a horrible bitch. It doesn’t mean all women are like that. If nihilism works for you, maybe it’s what you need until you’re ready to move on.

When you’re in the dark night of the soul, all you have is the badass and the strange gray roommate sharing his skull. The morning will come. Doesn’t it always?

Babyloncansuckit Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> It forced you to disconnect from a life-killing
> cult, didn’t it? It’s like you just got
> divorced from a horrible bitch. It doesn’t mean
> all women are like that. If nihilism works for
> you, maybe it’s what you need until you’re
> ready to move on.
>
> When you’re in the dark night of the soul, all
> you have is the badass and the strange gray
> roommate sharing his skull. The morning will come.
> Doesn’t it always?

You think the suffering was by design? Like it was the only way i could see what that organization was? Maybe you are onto something. Why would god have placed me in a cult in the first place though is another thing i ask myself?

Jamie, I've known adults and kids who were really great representatives of the JW sect. That doesn't mean that I would ever in a million years become a JW. I consider it to be a toxic cult. It has some nice people trapped within it, however.

Guilt can have its uses when you've done something wrong. There is nothing wrong with leaving a particular church. So try to ignore the inappropriate guilt. It will fade in time.

I know what it's like trying to reconcile two very different parts of yourself. Try to take the good from each -- the "gifts" from each. It sounds like your adoptive family gave you stability and opportunity. Appreciate that with love, but move forward in order to have your *own* unique life.

I've struggled to come to grips with a lifetime of guilt and shame for not living up to Gods expectations and the expectations of others. You're not alone. I find it hard to distinguish which relationships are conditional or unconditional. The mormon Gods' love seems to be condional based on obedience. And many of my relationships while in the church seemed conditional on living up to whatever mormon standards. So now I'm stuck looking for friendship and love that is truly unconditional. I'm finding that it has to start with me. I need to be happy with who I am before I can let go of the guilt and shame I've felt for not being enough. Just know you're not alone. Maybe different circumstances and experiences, but not alone in feeling guilt.

It will take time to get away from the conditioning of "good" and "bad". How is a coffee bad? Now things seam so silly. The person is the same person if he/she drinks a cup of coffee a day or not.