So, 32-year-old [step] dtr has gotten into yet another snit with her father. This happens fairly regularly, so I didn't think much of it. She has been living with us, more or less rent-free, for a couple of years, and this has gone on sporadically since she impulsively married at 18 (mainly to get out of having to either get a job or go to university.)

Her online rants refer to her father as more or less a chunk of protoplasm to whom she has the gross misfortune to be related (although he has funded her for years past the usual age of 18, tried hard to help her out of various self-inflicted difficulties, etc.)

I have never been anything but kind to her, and thought we got along well. Not too long ago, when we were sharing a quiet moment, she told me, "You're my mom. Yeah, you didn't give birth to me, but you raised me." And that's how it has been.

After her recent spat with her father, her bio mom (who is into large trucks and trailers and things like that) helped her to move out into her own apartment (yet again), said dtr related that her "real mom" had helped her to move, along with a lot of other, fairly vituperative material.

I guess I've been demoted. I raised her since she was in diapers, wrote (or at least helped) with any number of papers and projects that she stalled until the night before they were due and then burned the midnight oil to get them done. I've loaned or given her dribbles of money over the years as she needed it. And yes, I have loved her, as if she had been born to me.

This child (an adult, legally, almost twice-over) has always been as fickle as the wind, but I thought we had established a fairly close relationship. Guess I was wrong.

Her father plans to change to door locks after she has moved out the last of her belongings. To the extent that I am able, I will help. I truly never thought it would come to that.

I have often thought of myself as the shock absorber that kept things from getting too rocky when one or the other of my volatile family members got mad at each other. Guess I'm worn-out and useless now.

Oh, well. I like retirement anyway.

Sometimes deliverance is disguised as disaster. This might be for the best.

Devoted Exmo Wrote:
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> Sometimes deliverance is disguised as disaster.

Love this truth. Funny how the Mormons think their fictional murder of many humans (cleansing for Jesus) in their book is requisite for their savior to save them.

you've done for her. I have a nephew whose mother gave up custody to my brother when they divorced when my nephew was 5. My brother remarried fairly quickly and my nephew is now about 21 I think or 22. The 3 of them are definitely a family, the step-mother, etc. Her mother has always considered him her grandson. They've been great with him.

BUT he always longs for his mother to love him like a mother really should. His step-mother is the one who stands up for him to his own mother. She'll call her up and tell her what she NEEDS to do, etc. My brother doens't want anything to do with his ex.

I know my nephew really loves his step-mother, but he still wants his mother to love him as much as his half-brother (who he helped to babysit over the years), but she doesn't treat him the same.

Your step-daughter may be going through something like this now. I hope in time she'll figure out who really did everything for her. Most kids have no concept of what their parents did for them and I would say YOU ARE HER PARENT, no matter how she is acting. I think what you have done for her is WONDERFUL.

I understand why you'd be hurt, but to me it seems this is all about her, not you.

She appears to "like" anybody who's helping her out at the moment, and "not like" anybody who isn't.

And uses who she says she likes and doesn't to guilt-trip anybody else in her life.

You're not worthless, she just wants you to think you are so you'll do something for her, then she'll pronounce you to be "real mom" again. It's manipulation, not love or appreciation.

Sorry. I wish you the best.

Enjoy and consider it a vacation. It sounds like you needed

one anyway.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/20/2018 02:02PM by saucie.

It sounds like you need to buy her love. If love isn't freely given, it isn't love.

I would not be surprised if your step daughter has a personality disorder. It might help you to get some therapy about the relationship so that you can better understand how to deal with her (or not). I am guessing that this is not the end of the story.

Might just be a figure of speech.

My poor granddaughter in trying to specify her mother from step mother sometimes uses real mom, biological mom, other mom, step mom, mom mom etc.

She means nothing bad by it.

I think mom and stepmom are perfectly valid terms that everyone understands.

I hope that you won't be offended if I say that your stepdaughter may have some mental health issues. In your shoes I would continue to be cordial and kind to her, but I would also take a step back. I wouldn't loan or give her any more money for the immediate future. You also might consider unfollowing her on social media.