OK, there I am in Australia Area church office and I am the new guy on the block.

I see everyone going to great places like Tahiti, Fiji etc. and I really want to go to one of these paradises but on one of my first assignments I get given is Papua New Guinea.

Oh no. Now out of the city its a beautiful untouched jungle but the city of Port Moresby itself is like hell on wheels!

Basically its the hairy Armpit of the world but without the deodorant.

Rascals -thugs- roam the streets and you have to be back at the secure hotel by about 5pm if you wish to retain your genitals and continue to sing baritone in the choir.

As I am new they tell me that I have to travel in a suit although later on I find out everyone else travels in casual cloths. Hey lets get the new guy.

I wont go into details about any of the actual adventures I had there at this time as I want to tell you about one of the flights home.

However as a lead in I would like to say that when we were visiting one of the members homes I was given my first opportunity of watching a proud lady breast feeding her PIG.
-Glad it didn't have a twin-

No I'm not talking about an ugly kid here or even my nephew John this was a genuine fat bellied porker!!

Now if ever you want an image to be unseen then this is the one for you.

Generally I don't mind chowing down on a yummy bit of bacon but seeing the opposite of a pig slurping with delight on a female milk vending machine didn't quite do it for me.

I mention this because I have more breast coming up. So if you were bottle fed look away now!

So what's all this got to do with PEE you ask? Well here it comes.

I'm at the airport ready to fly back to Oz and I am flying Air New Guinea which maintains the same set of cleanliness standards as that of my teenagers bedroom.

I get on and it stinks. Its that really dark dank kind of smell and I walk up the isle and find my window seat and I sit down.

I'm not sure what kind of aircraft that it is but it has two seats on each side and it is fully booked.

Now as everyone is boarding I note a local lady coming towards me carrying a toddler and I'm thinking, don't sit next to me don't sit next to....... oh Hello how are you.

By now the smell on the plane is almost unbearable and I look at the lady sitting next to me and I start to wonder what kind of spider that is running around in her hair making a neat little web there.

I then smile at the child and I notice that she has a very bad cold. And I know this why?

Because I had to wipe the yellow mucous of my left shoulder of my suit every time she touched me. But hey kids are kids and people here in PNG don't have the same opportunities the rest of us have and I can always wash the suit. No worries.

So the plane takes off and I need to go to the toilet and while I am in there I reach down and notice that the back of my pants, jacket, garments and shirt are absolutely soaking.

I had no idea what was happening and then I take my jacket off and realise that it is soaked with urine. Did I fall into some public urinal on the way here and not notice I thought. I was totally perplexed and all I knew was that my body heat was multiplying the stench by a factor of 10.

So walking back to my seat I feel it and realise that Noah himself must have been sitting on it prior to my arrival and started the flood. It was saturated!

With no spare seats on the plane stupid me I ask for a towel or blanket or something but all they can offer me is an old newspaper to sit on.

And so I reseat and watch as the paper slowly but surely decomposes into a million wet pieces of tissue under me.

It was at this point that the lady next to me decides it is time to breast feel her toddler. Well at least its not a pig and kids get hungry.

And this next part as the rest of my story is absolutely true.

She pulls out her rather voluptuous breast and immediately it spouts into a very long strong flow onto the seat in front of her and as she directs it to her child's mouth it continues as if in slow motion like Darth Vader's light sabre to spray all over my shirt and tie before it hits her intended target.

Sorry she says.

And I still had two more hours of travel left.

Now if I only had a newspaper I could read.........

LOL! Priceless!

I love this story!

Papua New Guinea has always fascinated me (beginning with the languages spoken: officially, 832 distinct languages, making it the "most linguistically diverse country on earth").

There are distinct tribal peoples there, living in relatively "close quarters" vis-à-vis each other, who are the best living indicators we have to give us insight into the evolution of our species.

I have read a comparative lot about PNG, and the accounts are always fascinating (even if, simultaneously, disturbingly scary, and gut-deep nauseating). There are videos on YouTube which really do get across the potential dangers which do occur, and might happen anyone going there (such as unexpected road hijackings, with significant violence often involved to whoever is an "outsider," regardless of race, in that area of the island).

I know the rape rate is extremely high (which is, at least potentially, not only important to females--but maybe, as well, to not-quite-yet-wise males who happen by).

I have for a long time wondered how "ordinary people" go about their ordinary lives in Port Moresby (the capital city). How do you get to work, go grocery shopping, and do all the other ordinary stuff of daily life when you are in what amounts to the violence and rape capital of the world? (Seventy percent of PNG females will be raped during their lifetimes, gang rape numbers are high, and BOTH genders are victims of rape--which is likely connected in some way to male coming-of-age traditions, which frequently involve forced sexual activities with those who have long before become adult men.)

From my perspective, and compared to Papua New Guinea, South Africa seems almost as safe as standard-issue American suburbia.

Thank you very, very much for your first-person account of your PNG experience!

I am sorry for the piss but hey, you made it out unraped, uninjured, and ALIVE, and this is wonderful!

:D



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 09/09/2018 03:00AM by Tevai.

Yes I have been there many times and it is extremely dangerous. You can't live a normal life. One trip I honestly thought it would be my last.

Port Moresby is well described. The Highlands and north coast of PNG are wonderful and the outer islands truly paradise. It saddened me to see the evangelical churches honing in. When i was there 20 years ago the Mormon cult was just beginning its approach to PNG.

The Pacific Islanders do NOT benefit from a US cult.

Thanks, Alan, I'm really enjoying your contributions to the board.

Keep 'em coming

Tom, the pommie in Paris ;-)



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/09/2018 09:15AM by Soft Machine.

Thanks Tom. This is my way at laughing at myself for once being LDS. Hopefully others can also have a good laugh looking at a ex church employees life. Regards Alan.

This is so insane, I can't wrap my thoughts around it. What kind of health insurance do you have? Please tell me you are getting paid a grundel (not donating your you time and your life).

To my mind NOTHING would be worth exposing myself to this experience. Be safe!

Now I'm out of LDS I no longer travel there.

Thanks for a good story. I'm sure it's better than any Sacrament Meeting talks that will be heard anywhere. An old friend used to say, "Better to be pissed off than pissed on." Your story makes this clear.
I don't exactly recall that other saying about " The milk of human kindness. "

Thanks for this. I also am enjoying your well written stories. I don't think many could make such a miserable experience so humorous.

Interesting.

I really appreciate that. Laughing at myself helps me to forgive myself for being a previous robotic LDS.

You know, some people would pay for that.

Sorry (kinda). Great story.

Ha your right and the positive was I didn't need to leave my seat to have a nice glass of milk or to have a pee.

What a pisser!

I read that PNG has the most diverse set of languages on Earth—500+ if my memory is correct. Bro-hugs, Alan!

Your right but in my case it was the most diverse set of PISS on earth. Sure it's funny Now.......

Thx your comments are appreciated.

Alan,
I don't have a lot of comment, other than to laugh (in support!), and to ask that you continue to post your tales. I'm enjoying them thoroughly! :)

"Did I fall into some public urinal on the way here and not notice?" I'm still laughing. Thank you for this.

Well, that does it. Now I know I don't want to go to PNG. Still don't like flying. Great story.

So glad it didn't happen to me.

Wow! PNG always sounded to me like one of the most primitive places in the world - Stone Age tribes, cargo cults and cannibalism (within living memory). The modern world and primitive tribes take a while to get used to each other.

And yes, I have heard some really bad stories about Port Moresby. Like Kingston or Caracas, the police are supposed to be more interested in making money off the public than protecting them.