So unfortunately, like many people here. I used to be a try-hard. I wanted to be a good mormon. Check off all the list items, make sure all my ducks were in a row so I could excel to the celestial kingdom. I wasn't 100% TBM, ever. I thought that some people were crazy, I wouldn't just take a command from a prophet without thinking about it first. ie. If I had to give up a daughter for a polygamous marriage or pack up and move to Missouri at a moments notice, I probably would not have done it.

But...

When times got difficult. When I didn't feel like I could speak to my husband. Or when I felt that my husband wasn't listening to me. I knew, he'd listen to the bishop. I tried hard to get us all in so we could talk to the bishop and then hubby would be forced to consider things. This was usually my thought, when I felt I was right. I'd never think to do this when I was being an ass.

In my mind this was normal, As he was an authority. I could use his power to manipulate my husband into doing what I thought was "reasonable".

My husband. Used the church against me as well. If there was a disagreement, he would say that I was out of line with gospel principles. That I would submit to his will, his decisions if I was a better mormon. Every disagreement, every time I'd say 'no' was proof in needed to be more humble and a better mormon wife.
I'd have quotes from leaders read to me that would designate acceptable behavior for me. etc.

We were fighting against eachother, never against the church. We were both trying so hard to be good mormons, that we'd result to these types of coercion when the other wouldn't fall in line.

I stopped taking it seriously. He lightened up as well, at least in regards to me. SO things are better, but when we were striving for perfection.... it was hell.

I'm glad things are better.

Having been on the male side, I can't imagine the feelings you had when your hubby would pull the "you should submit to me" stuff. It's a male mormon doctrine/attitude that bothered me as soon as I was old enough to understand the hierarchy, and baffles me still...how simply being male can make you so arrogant, and so uncaring about how your chosen life partner feels. I guess it's something I'll never fully understand...but I can empathize.
Hang in there.

The game is rigged against you. It's purposely devised so you can never be good enough. "If only I work harder, pray more, pay more (especially pay more), I can be a perfect mormon". Cults are called cults for a reason.