Date: September 13, 2018 04:57PM
I'm so so so sorry for the difficult situation you're going through and so so so amazed by ANYONE who has the courage to admit to themselves that there is something amiss with TSCC. Sending you some real good vibes for all you're dealing with. The following is my crappy two-cents, take with a teaspoon of salt.
About your dad:For whatever it's worth, I have a brother and I know plenty of people that stay in the church for a spouse. My wife just left me a few months ago after I fell away from the faith of my fathers and to be honest, I came VERY close to renouncing my decision to step away simply to keep her. For me, it became a matter of personal integrity that I felt I couldn't dismiss. I'm not saying people that fake it to stay with their spouse are lacking integrity, I just suppose their motives, priorities, etc. are different than mine WHICH IS OK, and healthy, and normal. Now, that doesn't mean that I would base mine off of anyone else's approach. You can respect your father's decisions to come back without questioning your own decision to stay away.
Most importantly, you said "Afterall, if there is a god, then he/she should be loving and understand why I did what I did, right?"
YOU ARE SO RIGHT. If there is a god that really knows us as personally as we've been told, then he/she/it will definitely understand the reasons behind your decision. I used to feel guiltripped by my wife when she would say things like "faith is a choice, you've chosen not to believe and in doing so are breaking this marriage apart."
Faith is a choice, to a certain point. After a given threshold (of facts, morals, logic, knowledge, etc), faith is NO LONGER a choice. Here's the kicker, every single person has a threshold at a DIFFERENT level. There is absolutely no reason to feel guilty about having passed your threshold of willingness to choose to believe or participate. Whenever I feel guilty I remind myself of this.
Best wishes, stay in touch often.