I'm a frequent lurker but used to post here years ago. I have been out of the church for 20 years but I sometimes struggle with what the church did to me and what it continues to do to others. My siblings and father are completely TBM and my relationships with them have ranged from strained to outright shunning.

Sometimes I really need to vent about it all but my nonmormon husband doesn't understand why. He dismisses it with the phrase "all religions are screwed up" and wants to change the subject. We've been together for 18 years and I love him to bits- we get along wonderfully.

He was raised catholic but left it when he left home. He won't talk about it and I am unable to have a philosophical conversation with him about any religion. I am not religious myself but I would like to be able to share my thoughts and vent when I need to. I don't have any exmormon friends to talk to.

Anyone else encounter this with their nonmormon partners?

is so deeply implanted in people who grow up in the church. It starts so early, with all kinds of magic talk that captures the imagination of children. Golden plates, magically appearing and disappearing angels, special healing powers of the priesthood, fortune telling in the form of patriarchal blessings, secret passwords and handshakes for getting into heaven, priesthood powers of discernment, leaders who actually meet and talk to god face to face in the temple...

Thinking people eventually think their way out of it and come to realize that it's all fiction. But the stuff that was implanted in early childhood remains under the surface, only to pop up unexpectedly. It becomes a kind of second nature that is unexamined, but still influential.

I still find myself on occasion thinking about the direction my life is going and suddenly a thought will pop up like "but your patriarchal blessing said that...". And then I have to catch myself and remind myself that patriarchal blessings are not what you thought they were when you were a kid. They're just boilerplate, fill-in-the name, "blessings" that some guy called a "patriarch" (usually an insurance salesman or accountant or plumber in real life) gives because the Churchco authorities assigned that task to him.

The more you talk about and examine your experiences as a Mormon, the more you "clean house" so to speak in the nooks and crannies of your mind where a lot of these childhood beliefs continue to lurk and have influence.

Some of my nevermo friends also have the same difficulty understanding why an exmo would want to keep examining what happened. They don't realize that leaving Mormonism, especially if you grew up in it, is not at all like switching from Methodism to Lutheranism or just not going. Those "mainstream" sects do not even come close to the type of control exerted by Mormonism. You don't worry about being split up from your family in the hereafter just because you didn't pay 10% on your gross income. You don't believe that you're drinking damnation into your soul when you have a sip of green tea.

The closest thing to it is cult deprogramming. Mormonism is indeed a cult experience.

You got that right, Wally Prince.

Mormonism affected every facet of our lives. It was ingrained and imprinted on our heart, mind, imagination, being.

You don't really leave that 100% behind. All the years in between leaving the cult, and it's still there - the scars - as a reminder.

Our families, our ancestry, our birth, are just poignant remnants of what was.

You might need to post more on RfM and find someone else to talk to about your feelings. Not all spouses are good at this and hopefully he has other talents which counter this failing.

It seems to me, forester, that RfM is the answer. Come here and vent to your heart's content.

Welcome back, Forester!

I was raised Catholic. There are plenty of ex-Catholics such as myself who like to discuss religion. It just sounds to me like your husband is not one of them. You can come here to vent, if you wish, and/or find a local meetup group to develop exmo friends in your area. The Mormon Spectrum site lists meetup groups. Facebook may list some groups as well. Or give a shoutout on this board giving your general area.

https://www.mormonspectrum.org/map/

IMO it may be difficult for mainstream Christians (such as your ex-Catholic husband) to fully understand that Mormonism is a high-demand religion. If you compare it to another high-demand religion, the JWs, that may help them to better understand. Most people know about the JWs. Catholics have their own issues that they deal with (guilt is the big one,) but it is nowhere close to what exmos have to deal with in leaving.

Yes, forester, I am also with a non-mormon partner. He was raised marginally Lutheran but it was kind of a Christmas and Easter kind of thing for his parents. We live in Utah. He is very anti-mormon but he doesn't want to discuss anything with me. He also doesn't understand why I even NEED to vent all these years after I've left. So, keep coming to RfM and VENT away!

I admit that my mostly lapsed-Catholic wife doesn't get the way I feel about the mormon church. She understands when I comment about some overly-mormony-post family makes on Facebook, or when TBM mother comes to visit but has to go find the local ward to attend on Sunday and I tease her for that. But she doesn't understand, really, because her church association was never as controlling and culty as mormonism (though catholicism does have plenty of control mechanisms and guilt-inducing tactics).

That's one reason I hang out here, why I like to play golf with elderolddog, etc. It's nice to be with people who get how and why you feel some way about something.

Whatever U do....

Don't ask Hoax for advice!!

Thanks everyone for responding- it always helps to know I am not alone. I will participate more on the board and see if there are local exam meet ups in my area.

Cheers!

Not with a spouse, but with my formerly-Catholic mother. She'll say, "When I left the Catholic Church, I just walked away. I don't understand why it needs to be such a big deal to you."

I said, "Well, Mom, the Catholic Church won't try to find you, no matter where your go, for the rest of your life. They won't send the missionaries, try to assign you a Home and Visiting Teacher, or give you a calling, to keep you busy and in the Church," etc.

She said, "That sounds more like a cult." I'd always defended it against that accusation, even after I'd left, but that's when the light bulb went off.

You might try explaining that it's a little more involved than just being able to walk away. You'd think he'd know that having experienced some of the shunning.

My "worse half" does not want to hear the word Mormon and not for the same reasons Russ Nelson doesn't. He was raised in a very generic church and thought the Bible stories were ridiculous even as a kid.

Our NeverMo friends and partners will never walk a mile in our indoctrinated shoes. Very few can "get it" and even fewer will want to hear about it. Most don't accept that any group is a cult until said group actually dies with pinkies joined in some horrific manner. I am not quite ready to offer that kind of proof.

I only talk about Mormonism if I am trying to make people laugh now. There is a rich vein to mine and I use it. For comedy.

The other day I had a friend belly-aching to me for about the tenth time over the same awful thing that went down with her job. I am quite sick of hearing the tale and her own father even told her he didn't want to hear about it anymore. When I apply that to my need to vent about Mormonism, I kind of get where our spouses may be coming from--just get over it already.

Of course we know it isn't that simple. The betrayal and the hurt run deep and hide in corners we didn't even know we had. Being understood is a great luxury and we crave it. So nice to come here for some of that. No? So valuable.

Send her here for some homework. She can read bio's and stories. She may never fully understand, but this place sure does open eyes. My friend, outside of Utah don't believe half the shit that I tell them about Utah and mormons. They tell me that it sounds like a different country with different rules and laws. I tell them that it is. Good luck.

Sure the church is perhaps more influential on lives than other religions.

But one thing we fail to consider here is individual differences. We are not all the same.

Two soldiers can experience the same horror in a war zone and one will be messed up for life, and the other will move on and not discuss it, and function fine.

Likewise, in the same religion, two people can leave and one will never look back. That is my wife. Not interested at all.

So we assume here that everyone has to be traumatized and needs recovery, but not true. The less sensitive types can't understand why it was such a big deal.