Will the mentally ill please step forward and give your stories here on the forum. A lot of people would benefit from your story. Others, like myself need your courage.

A few days ago I got overwhelmed when I realized that I created a false, and emasculated personality to survive life in the church. I realize that the church is a fat lie, but here I am at 50 not knowing deeply who I am or the life I should have lived -A life that should have belonged to me. It seems like everything was controlled and scripted from the beginning. From primary songs praising and obeying the prophet, to being forced to go on missions with new names from the temple. It's scary looking back on it. I feel like I allowed the best years of my life become hijacked by the church's agenda.

Feeling myself in crisis again I called the Suicide prevention hotline in Utah and shared these thoughts and feelings.

Guess what happened?? She cut me off in the first minute and wouldn't let me talk. She said it was my fault because I had choices. She then did the unspeakable and went back through a few years of logs, which I didn't know they kept, and said that I had wasted their resources. I said that wasn't fair and that she must be a Mormon for being so defensive. She then yelled that she was a licensed social worker and then she hung up on me!

This was shocking but a profound moment for me. It confirmed what I always knew in my heart that TBMs care more about their beliefs than fundamental welfare of others.

From the age of 15 I've had OCD and MDD diagnosis that I still deal with. Things such as being lit on fire and having burning matches tossed on me while being tied to flagpoles are some of the fond memories I have in my youth of the sons of stake presidents, temple presidents and others in our Provo ward. Ironic how when your life stumbles they are quick to blame you for the errors of your ways. Elitism and exceptionalism run strong in this church and I fear there are many victims struggling to deal with it.

If you got stories you need to share, have courage to know you're not alone!

You took a big step just calling the hotline. My advice is if you still are feeling suicidal just go to the emergency room of the nearest hospital and tell them you have feeling suicidal. They have people trained to deal with you and don't think you are crazy because there are lot's of people dealing with what you are dealing with.

If you haven't done so, I would advise to go see your doctor and get a check up. Suicidal levels of depression can be a symptom of some medical problems. I was having bad depression that wouldn't go away and it turned out to be diabetes. As soon as I got on the diabetes medication I felt a lot better and I was getting to where I just didn't want to be around because I felt miserable all the time.

It can be a combination of things. The church can be part of it. So make sure you are ok health wise. Then it might not hurt to talk to friends you trust or a councilor. If you can swing it. A vacation away from what's bothering you isn't bad either.

Lot's of things can cause you to feel the way you do. I think you have identified some of them. You are far from being alone in dealing with this stuff. Believe me.

Thank for the advice and story about how diabetes affected your depression. I don't feel suicidal, but the despair and sense of loss gets the better of me some days. Talking it out for a few minutes help a lot!

Gideon Wrote:
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> Thank for the advice and story about how diabetes
> affected your depression. I don't feel suicidal,
> but the despair and sense of loss gets the better
> of me some days. Talking it out for a few minutes
> help a lot!

Physical illness can make your feel depressed. I didn't feel physically sick but just run down and depressed. Turns out it was diabetes. So my advice is get some blood work done and see a doctor. Something you should do once a year anyways. Make sure you are physically healthy.

If you are physically fit and still feel depressed you can try things like meditation or yoga. I hear these are quite helpful. If you can't snap yourself out of it, you might want to see a counselor. There is no magic pill but they can help you break down what is bothering you and suggest some things you can do.

Sometimes it can be a clinical depression that medication is needed but that's really the last thing you want to do. Sometimes medication is needed and some people need it but there really isn't a magic pill.

Sometimes is takes awhile to see what works.

I'm surprised it didn't answer with a recording saying...

"Hello and thank you for calling the Utah suicide prevention hotline. Suicide is a local ecclesiastical matter. Please contact the Bishop of your ward."

That was true when I sent in my resignation letter. They wouldn't rescind my membership for weeks. They said I was required to speak to my bishop first. I threatened legal action and received my resignation confirmation two days later!

So much for free will without a lawyer!

After that I'd be like, "I'm sorry, did I dial the number of the suicide ENCOURAGEMENT hotline by accident? 'Cause that's what you're doing right now."

I did report it for that very thought. Someone more on the edge could take a final plunge talking to that person.

(I did report it)

If you kill yourself, they win.

Mormons are in the same boat you used to be in. Their natural empathy is suppressed so that they can follow the script. I’m sorry you got connected to an unprofessional dickweed. You have discovered another feature of Mormonism. Stunted emotional growth. You will tend to find this emotional immaturity among TBMs.

You now face the job of developing yourself later in life, when it’s not so easy. But you’ll value it more.

You're absolutely right.

That has been huge consideration during the biggest crises in my life. I also felt like I would be hurting others. Having seen the church destroy so many lives I didn't want to do anything selfish like that although life seemed rather pointless at times.

I do feel emotional crisis from time to time, but a call every few months helps me out immensely. Just talking to a compassionate person really helps.

At the top of the main page is a national number. Try that next time.

You could also file a complaint against the Utah number. See if any changes occur.

Unfortunately, the national number directs you locally based on your area code '385'. If I changed the area code I could get different people.

The person who answered the phone sounds totally burnt out.

Also, people should be able to call a suicide line as often as needed, that's the whole idea.

Let me tell you what happened to me when I told my doctor that I THOUGHT about suicide...

I was seeing a doctor for stomach/intestinal issues that wouldn't resolve. I was in pain that kept me up every night. After years of seeing specialists without results, I became depressed and broke down crying in my doctor's office. She asked: "are you suicidal?" I said I thought about it a lot because of the pain I experienced. She asked if I had the means to carry out a suicide attempt and I said "no." She was worried about me and made me promise that I wouldn't commit suicide. I promised I wouldn't and drove home.

I'd only been at home for about 10 minutes when there was a knock on my door. I opened the door and was surprised to see three police officers standing there. I stupidly let them in. They said that my doctor reported that I was suicidal and proceeded to search my apartment for a suicide weapon. I was calm and cooperative and said that I told my doctor I only thought about suicide (is that a crime?) and promised that I wouldn't go through with it. Never the less, I was placed in handcuffs and hauled off to what was basically a prison for people who threatened suicide.

I was placed on a 24 hour hold with a bunch of bipolar teenagers, a few homeless people, and some creepy characters. We were all kept in one very cold, sterile room with nothing to do: no access to phones, computers, books - nothing! There were only three beds which were used by the people who were highly medicated. The rest of us - about 30 people - sat in chairs for over 24 hours. I thought I would go insane. There was a guy observing us and taking notes on his clipboard. It seemed the only way to get out was to appear "normal."

To get out we had to speak to the on-call psychiatrist and promise that we were not suicidal. At that point I really was suicidal but knew the only way out was to lie. Everyone in there was there because of depression but had to pretend that all was just fine to get out. What a joke.

Being on a 24 hour hold in an uncaring, uncomfortable facility with no one to talk to but other suicidal people was one of the worst experiences of my life and a real eye-opener about the poor state of mental health care in this country. People with suicidal thoughts are treated like criminals who need to be punished.

That is a hellish story! You're seeking help and confiding in your physician only to be cuffed and treated like a criminal. Not to mention in the future how much harder emotionally it will be to seek help.

I'm glad you're still among the living. Thanks for an eye-opening story.

I used to work in mental health care as a technician. Our hospital charged $1600 a day for the room. Most patients never saw a Psychiatrist or councilor. If they were lucky and there long enough they might get a 30 minute face-to-face consult.

I 100% agree our health care system is broken.

You were very brave to make the call and you deserved kinder consideration and all of the help possible.

Please be strong and seek help somewhere else. My best warm wishes are with you.