Re: Kolob: Joseph Coudn't Even Get His Units Right -- and that ain't all!

This is a parody I wrote several years ago. (repeat post)
Kolob! Here are some of my thoughts on how to teach a Sunday School lesson on Kolob! (parody?-)
Hope this helps!
A few years ago, I decided to look at what is considered revealed, inspired truths and see what kind of help Bruce R. McConkie added to the mix!

Then I wrote a Sunday School Lesson...of sorts! :-)
Here goes!
Judging from what has been said on the board and what I have heard others say on line, the average Mormon is likely uninformed and uneducated about Kolob and it's teachings.

About all they know is that fun hymn: "If You Could Hie to Kolob," [hie- meaning hasten]. Apparently the plane is leaving at any moment!
Allrighty now:
What did you learn in Sunday School about Kolob when studying the Book of Abraham?

Apparently, members do not read The Pearl of Great Price - (at least not often), at the back of The Book of Mormon behind the Doctrine and Covenants (Triple Combination) which is part of the Standard Works - or don't recall what they read. Or, if they do read it, they have no idea what it means. Just a guess! :-)

I had a little fun with this whole idea of Kolob, the Book of Abraham in The Pearl of Great Price:

Joseph Smith and Kolob with some help from Bruce R. McConkie
in the book: "Mormon Doctrine."

It is amazing what you can get from an Egyptian Funeral Scroll! :-) Just concentrate hard enough, pray hard enough, have enough faith, and.... here we go!

Book of Abraham Chapter 3
2: "And I saw the STARS that they were very great and that one of them was nearest unto the throne of God; and there were many great ones which were near unto it:

3: And the Lord said unto me: These are the governing ones; and the name of the great one is Kolob, because it is near unto me, for I am the Lord thy God: I have set this one to govern all those which belong to the same order as that upon which thou standest."

Verse 9 says:
"And thus there shall be the reckoning of the time of one planet above another until thou comes nigh unto Kolob, which Kolob is after the reckoning of the Lord's time, which Kolob is set night unto the throne of God, to govern all those planets which belong to the same order as that upon which thou standest."

NOTE it is called a STAR (caps are mine) or is it?

Now note what Bruce R. McConkie says in "Mormon Doctrine" pg. 428. Ya gotta luv this guy! He says:

"Kolob means "the first creation.,"
It is the name of the PLANET (caps mine) "nearest to the celestial, or the residence of God." it is "first in government, the last pertaining to the measurement of time...One day in Kolob is equal to a thousands years according to the measurement of this earth."

Is it my imagination or does Joseph Smith not know the difference between a STAR and a PLANET and think they are interchangeable here?
Or do I need some special understanding from faith and prayer for the mental gymnastic to make a star and a planet be the same thing?
The whole thing is gobbledygook - about astronomy !
Is this Science and Religion of the 1800's merging?
So an Egyptian Funeral Scroll has hidden knowledge from Abraham! Now that is amazing!
Then it says; verse 13:
"And he said unto me: This is Shinehah, which is the sun. And he said unto me: Kokob which is STAR, then he said unto me Olea, which is the moon. And he said unto me : Kokaubeam, which signifies stars, or all the great lights, which were in the firmament of heaven."

TEACHER TO CLASS:
OK, boys and girls, from now on, in class we will call the really big STAR, Kolob, the MOON - Olea and the really big flashy STARS: Kokaubeam and the SUN, Shinehah.

Now to help you remember, I have some sound-alike words for you.
Remember that that the big STARS sound like: Cocoa-Beans,
and the SUN is very easy because the sun does indeed Shinehah a lota,
and the MOON'S name,Olea sounds like "ole" in Spanish which means bravo,
and the biggest STAR, Kolob sounds like go - lob. Now here is where it gets tricky. Lob means: to droop heavily (but we won't be going there) or it can mean lout: dull heavy person.

Always remember, boys and girls, that Joseph Smith Jr. was translating this document from what Abraham said to him face to face - or something like that.
Naturally, the prophet Joseph would use words that he knew which would help us understand the special things Abraham wanted us to know.
So if the words sound a little funny, that is why. And, remember to pray to Heavenly Father tonight before go to bed and thank Him for this wonderful special teaching and ask Him to increase your faith to help you understand it.

verse 16 says:
"if two things exist, and there be one above the other, there shall be greater things above them; therefore Kolob is the greatest of all the Kokaubeam that thou has seen, because it is nearest unto me."

TRANSLATION:
The really big lout, Kolob is the greatest of all the Cocoa Beans.
Okay, lets give Joseph an award for some esoteric hidden teachings here like all kinds of other "teachers" of enlightenment.

You have to admit, this is clever stuff for the times. He managed to throw in, what some would classify now days as "New Age" teachings right into the Book of Abraham!
Time to move the Book of Abraham to the NEW AGE section of the book shelf at the book stores!

Incidentally: Kolob spelled backward is: bolock -- or bollocks in England. I think Joseph Smith JR had the last laugh.

Finally, somebody who "gets me!" :)

It all depends on how you’re “reckoning time”,I reckon....Reckon...is that even a word? Well, I reckon it is, fer heck sake!!

Personally, I'm kookoo for Kaukabeam.