I feel like I joined the church many years ago because I had serious trouble saying no to people who I care about.

This may sound like a silly question, but is this an actual condition? I think I have had some improvement but not much.

Thoughts?

Some people do have a problem with personal boundaries which leads to a difficulty saying no.

Sometimes it's related to anxiety, depression, self-esteem, etc.

I would suggest talking to a good therapist who can help you develop some good skills. :)

Mormonism is a cult, and cults are very good at destroying healthy boundaries in order to get people to do what the cult wants them to do. I formally left the cult a few years ago after 49 years (I was BIC), but the process of constructing a self is more difficult than just leaving.

I have only recently come to realize that I didn't have any healthy boundaries--a good friend I met after I left asked me about my boundaries and I literally didn't know what she was talking about. She has helped me deconstruct why I haven't been able to say no to the people that I care about in my life and has helped me to understand that setting boundaries actually frees them to find solutions that don't involve manipulating me and forcing me to be their solution.

It is taking a lot of practice to say no, but it is possible to get to that point and it is potentially freeing to everyone you are involved with. It is also a lot easier to do so as I understand more the reasons why I have such a hard time saying no to people. And those reasons may be different for everyone, which is why it's helpful to deconstruct your emotional responses to being manipulated and coerced to do something you don't want to do.

I agree that it is probably helpful to talk things out with a therapist, I've done it with my friend, and because we are emotionally involved it has been very painful for her to go through this with me. I feel very fortunate that she has done it, and I didn't realize at the beginning what a difficult path it would be for both of us (I didn't even realize that there was a path to go down), but she has chosen to be a part of it and I have no right to try and take that choice away from her.

In my experience leaving this cult, this has been the most difficult part, both conceptually and practically, but I also know that if I can do it, or at least start doing it, anyone can.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 12/14/2018 09:35AM by valiant.

no OPie ~

I used to have problems with saying no. Then I discovered that it was one of the most useful words in the English language. I no longer have that problem.

I think it was almost a year ago that I related a dinner my wife and I had been invited to by her VT. Other guests included three missionaries and a friendly acquaintance (non-member) of VT. It was an ambush; no doubt about it.

After dinner, the missionaries went into their usual spiel and immediately followed up their "thought of the day" by asking the acquaintance whether they could set up a time to visit and share a lesson.

Without hesitating, the acquaintance said, "No." No malice, no anger, no embarrassment, no insecurity; just a simple one-word statement without explanation, or even the promise of one.

I did a silent cheer: "You go, girl!"

To the missionaries' credit, they recognized that they had hit a wall and made no attempt to change her mind.

The church thrives on the inability to say "no." Its missionary program works best with such people, and the constant rhetoric about inspired leaders plus incessant violations of boundaries in interviews, etc., inculcate that tendency among members as well.

The Mormon response? Passive aggression. Members try to avoid leaders and callings, then slow walk any specific assignment they don't like. They will smile and speak obsequiously while trying their best to avoid compliance.

Case in point? Jeff Flake, who tries to act independent and strong but does so as gently as possible and almost always capitulates when push comes to shove. It's all in the vocal tone and vocabulary as well: "stay sweet, Jeff."

If you stand up now, you can transform any tendency towards excessive conciliation into a learning opportunity. Who knows? Mormonism may have made you stronger after all.

Trouble saying no?

No. :)

There is a book titled "Boundaries" by doctors Cloud & Townsend which may be quite helpful.

You do not owe Mormonism your $ or your time.
And you most certainly do not owe them any explanations about how you conduct your life.

Missionaries seek out anyone who has trouble saying no.

Mormons tend to use this tendency to take advantage of their members and force them to act against their own best interests.

I think it's very important for every person to learn to say no because it could save their life and help them avoid losing control of their lives.

Yeah, no. I mean no, yeah. So I think I mean no....yeah?

And it is not just a mormon thing. I first heard it put into words many years ago on Oprah. I think it was her first year on the air. It was a real problem for her. She brought the subject up many times over the years. After hearing about it I was able to identify it in my own life. Here is a good article about it that echoes the advice I found on Oprah.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-happiness-rx/201501/when-youre-afflicted-the-disease-please

Mormons train members to be "yes members" and my parents being who they were didn't help me. I was a teenager when I finally began to stand up in small ways. I finally stood my ground and resigned when I was 20 and about to leave for Great Lakes.

So yes, it is a condition that we have to work on.

You might be a Yes Man
Rather than a sNOw man

M@t

Yes it is hard saying no, many people don't take no for an answer and keep pushing, then you have to ratchet the volume and tone up to make your point, and it is better to say no at the beginning instead of having to back track over years of yes's. I see this every day in my business and just in life in general, I don't think it has to do with any religion, just human nature, we want to please others, be liked and then there are others who are manipulators and test the waters.